How to End an Affair With Someone You Love

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If you are in an illicit relationship outside your marriage, you’ve probably wondered how to stop having an affair at one point or another. 

Affairs are exciting by nature and often give you the confidence and feelings of being desired that are lacking in your marriage. However, they also come coated with guilt and hurtful feelings for all the parties involved.

How to end an affair? Ending an affair isn’t easy, nor is it always as quick as saying ‘It’s over’ – but you can break free from your affair addiction. This article discusses the steps to take to end your affair with dignity and put your heart back into your marriage.

How do you stop having an affair with someone you love?

How to end an affair with someone you love?

Ending affairs when you are in love can be tricky. However, here are ten steps to end an affair when you are in a monogamous relationship with someone else or are married to someone and do not want to end that relationship.

1. Have realistic expectations

Ending an affair is hard. So, how to end an affair in an amicable way? Set the right expectations to begin with.

It’s essential to have realistic expectations when you have decided you want to get out of your adulterous relationship. Expect to feel hurt and guilty toward both your ex-lover and your marriage mate. 

Expect to feel the loss for all your lover’s qualities that you felt your partner lacked. Expect to feel resentment, heartbreak, anger, sadness, and pity.

2. Know who you’re hurting

How to end an affair when it hurts you?

There is no best way to end an affair. If you’re about to end an affair, odds are you know exactly who’s feeling will be hurt in the process. Yourself, your lover, and your marriage mate. However, this pain can extend beyond these three parties. 

Children from your marriage will be devastated and conflicted should they find out about your affair.

Family and extended family might also feel hurt and angry, and friends may feel betrayed by your actions.

3. Draft what you want to say

How to end an affair with someone you care about? It can be helpful to write out your goodbye before going through with ending your affair. Ending an affair is an emotionally difficult time, and you may get nervous when you’re in the moment. 

How to stop an affair with someone you love? Having drafted a goodbye for the breakup beforehand can help you get your thoughts together and decide what points to make without getting flustered. Make your points clear and tactful.

Definitive statements are essential. Don’t blame the breakup on your marriage mate. Do not use phrases like “I love you, but I owe it to my husband/wife to work on our marriage.” 

This will give your affair hope that they may be able to re-enter the picture because you still love them. Instead, use phrases and terms that your lover cannot argue with, such as “I don’t want to be in this relationship” or “This is not a good situation for me.”

Related Reading: 20 Things a Couple Can Do to Strengthen a Marriage

4. End your affair

How to end a long-term affair?

Don’t put it off. It may seem tempting to postpone ending your affair. Maybe you have an anniversary with your lover coming up, or they have been particularly stressed at work recently. 

Regardless of circumstances, never put off ending your affair to make it easier on your soon-to-be-ex. Hesitation can cause you to lose your nerve. You have to do it now when you’re ready to end your affair.

Do not feel you have to end your relationship face to face. This is not your marriage mate, and you do not owe this person an in-person breakup. If anything, breaking up in person may weaken your resolve to work on your marriage.

5. Don’t give in to a “closure” meet

How to end an affair after having the conversation with your affair partner?

You’ve ended your affair, and you’re feeling good, but then your ex-partner asks to meet together to gain closure. If you are serious about ending your affair, you will not give in to this temptation to meet. 

This could lead to a moment of weakness where you resume your affair. Be committed to ending this relationship and keeping it done with.

Related Reading: 15 Tips on Getting Closure After an Affair

6. Pinpoint your desires to prevent future affairs

Do an honest self-examination and rediscover what you need from your marriage mate that you were seeking from someone else. What are your wants and desires in a partner? Vocalize these needs to prevent future slip-ups.

Related Reading: Dealing with the Fear of Being Cheated on Again

7. Identify alternate sources of excitement

How to end an emotional affair? Some people engage in extra-marital affairs because the secrecy involved creates excitement. Once your affair has ended, you may feel that some excitement has left your life. 

Discover alternative sources to excite and engage you once again, such as exercising, chasing after your dream career, or taking up a new hobby or sport.  

8. Tell your partner

How to end an affair and give your marriage another shot?

One of the most challenging parts of ending an affair and taking back control of your life is telling your partner. If they don’t already know, it’s best to come clean with your partner about the infidelity. Don’t feel that you have to share every single hurtful detail, but do not downplay the affair either. 

Remember that you strayed because something was broken in your current relationship, so you owe it to you and your partner to get everything out on the table so you can have an honest relationship. 

This may result in the dissolving of your relationship, or it could mean a stronger relationship in the future.

Why should forgiveness after an affair be on the table? Watch this video to know more.

9. Work on saving your relationship

If your partner is willing, work on saving your marriage. This is a hurtful period in any marriage, and many couples benefit from infidelity therapy and marriage counseling post affair. 

You may be looking forward to reconnecting with your marriage mate, but understand that they may not be the same person once they find out about your affair. Exercise patience and understanding and give your all to saving your marriage.

10. Commit repeatedly to ending it

As emotions and sexual gratification enter your affair, you may feel obsessed with your secret partner. In some way, your affair has become an addiction, and like all addictions, it is hard to quit even if you’ve verbally ended it. 

This is why you must recommend ending it daily.

Ending it with integrity can be difficult when you are having an affair, but there is no reason to put it off. Affairs are complex for all parties involved and may carry scars for years after it has ended, but you will feel great relief once it is over, and you can take your life back into your own hands.

Related Reading: How to Identify and Deal With a Man With Commitment Issues

Why is it so hard to end an affair with someone you love?

When the affair is not just sexual but also involves feelings, especially love, it can be hard to end an affair with them. 

This is because when we love someone, we want to be around them, talk to them, and share our lives with them. However, as much as we may have feelings for someone, if you have decided to give your current relationship or marriage another shot, it may not be possible to do so without ending the secret affair.

What do you say at the end of an affair?

When trying to end an affair, you have to be sensitive to other people’s feelings. Being too harsh or insensitive can hurt someone.

However, you have to be firm on your decision simultaneously. Saying things like you are doing this because you want to give your marriage another chance, or telling them you love them, or care for them, or giving them any hopes that you will come back to them may not be right.

Related Reading: What Are Consequences of Affairs When Both Parties Are Married

How long does an affair usually last?

How long an affair lasts usually varies. 50 percent of affairs may last between one month to a year. Long-term affairs usually run for about 15 months or longer.

Only about 30 percent of extramarital affairs last for two years and beyond. 

How do you end an affair you do not want to?

How to end an affair when you do not want to?

If you end up in a situation where you have to end an affair but do not want to, here are some things you can do.

1. Allow yourself to feel. It is okay to feel the way you do if you genuinely cared about this person you were having an affair with.
2. Be rational about the possibilities. While it is essential to accept your feelings, you should also try to be more rational about the possibilities of where this affair could go or not.
3. Grieving is also important. When you are ending an affair that you do not want to, it is okay to give yourself time to grieve and understand why it meant so much to you, but why it is essential to let it go.

How do affairs usually end?

There are three ways in which affairs can end:

1. Divorce and remarriage

This is when you divorce your current partner and marry the person you were having an affair with.

2. Loss of the marriage and relationship

Another way an affair can end is when both the marriage and the other relationship ends. Sometimes, the person with the extramarital affair may want to quit their marriage and start a new life with their lover, but the lover could be on a different page in the relationship.

Related Reading: 15 Signs a Marriage Cannot Be Saved

3. Saving the marriage

The third way an affair can end is when the partner decides to give their marriage another chance and ends the affair with their lover. In this scenario, they choose to get out of an affair and work on their marriage with their spouse.

This research highlights the consequences of the discovery of an affair in detail.

Conclusion

Getting over an affair, even when you decide to end it and give your marriage another try, can be tough for both partners. It is recommended that you seek professional help if you think you need it. Couples counseling and individual therapy can help you understand the root cause of the problem and work on your issues accordingly.