What Is Stonewalling in a Relationship and How to Deal With It

Listen to this article

Do you know what is stonewalling in a relationship? Chances are you don’t even if you have experienced it. Do you find your partner intentionally shutting down whenever you bring up a serious issue for discussion? Do you find your partner getting intimidated during an argument and conveniently switching the topic?

Perhaps you are a victim of stonewalling in your relationship. What is stonewalling, you wonder? Stonewalling in relationships can be complex to identify and deal with. It, however, is detrimental to a relationship’s happiness and well-being. If you are wondering what is stonewalling in a relationship, read on.

What is stonewalling in a relationship?

What is stonewalling? Stonewalling in relationships is a behavior that can be described as the act of employing delaying strategies.

The person who stonewalls another avoids confrontation or refuses to acknowledge the other person’s concerns. Stonewalling can occur on a variety of levels in relationships and prevents effective communication. Stonewall communication can also look like refusal to corporate in resolving an issue or argument.

If communication is hampered in a relationship, it escalates the pre-existing issues to deeper levels. Also, intimacy in relationships goes for a toss when one of the partners resorts to stonewalling. This is why stonewalling is considered one of the most common crucial concerns in a relationship or marriage.

5 signs of stonewalling

As mentioned before, stonewalling can be challenging to identify. Sometimes, both partners may engage in stonewalling, even without realizing it. If you wish to define stonewalled behavior in a relationship, look for these signs:

1. Ignoring

The partner who stonewalls can completely ignore what the other person has to say. Ignoring a conversation can be frustrating as saying something is always better than saying nothing at all. If your partner ignores your approaches, it can be an active sign of stonewalling. 

It can also happen when guys or girls stonewall after a fight or argument and pretends to ignore the other partner.

Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why Ignoring Your Ex Is Powerful

2. Changing the subject

Redirecting an ongoing discussion to change the topic is another way of stonewalling. A stonewalling partner can either change the subject gradually without making you realize the replacement or instantly jump onto some other important topic to divert your attention from the issue at hand.

3. Storming off from the scene

A partner who expresses his emotions aggressively might prefer to leave the discussion midway in a fit of anger, thus dissolving the conversation instantly and completely. Storming off is a common method of stonewalling a spouse when you no longer want to stay in the conversation.

4. Citing reasons to avoid conversation

At times, a partner can give certain reasons to prevent having to speak to you. They could say they’re busy at the moment or not feeling well enough to talk, anytime you bring up a subject to discuss with them. 

Sometimes, these reasons can be genuine but if it happens repeatedly, they might be stonewalling you.

5. Resistive body language

If your partner uses gestures like rolling their eyes or certain hand movements signaling to dismiss a conversation, this can also be a sign of stonewalling. Showing resistance through body language can be irritating for a partner who is trying to resolve a problem through mutual dialogue.

Related Reading: What Your Body Language Says About Your Relationship

5 causes of stonewalling

Knowing what is stonewalling and the causes of stonewalling are fundamental to the answer to ‘how to stop stonewalling.’ While stonewalling is problematic in a relationship or a marriage, it may not always be ill-intended or meant to hurt the partner who is being stonewalled. 

Understanding and knowing the causes of stonewalling can help you understand why your partner resorts to it, and you can find ways to resolve it and deal with it.

1. Punishment

People may stonewall their partner as a way to punish them over something wrong or annoying that they did. It’s very common to witness stonewalling as a way to convey one’s disappointment. 

2. Inability to express

When a person is unable to express their feelings and thoughts, they might adopt stonewalling as a response. In such cases, the person who stonewalls might not do it intentionally or to leave an impact on the person who is getting stonewalled. This can be an example of unintentional stonewalling.

3. Fear of confrontation

Some people may resort to stonewalling to avoid any kind of confrontation with their partner. Confronting a partner over any serious matter can be embarrassing or uncomfortable at times, hence a partner may try to dismiss any conversation altogether to avoid this situation.

Related Reading: How to Confront a Cheater

4. Anger or hopelessness

When in the middle of an argument, you anticipate things getting heated up and further escalation is possible, stonewalling can be a way to stop the conversation from going ahead. Although, this is not a preferable solution to arguments, it can be a way out to prevent added tension.

5. Manipulation

What is stonewalling in a relationship? It can be a tool to manipulate the person in front of you. Avoiding or ignoring a person repeatedly can confuse a person, hampering their ability to think straight and make logical decisions. Stonewalling manipulation is not a new concept.

Related Reading: 25 Examples of Manipulation in Relationships

Examples of stonewalling in relationships

It is almost impossible to define stonewalling without examples. Since stonewalling is a complex issue to identify and can be confused with someone just being upset and not wanting to talk at the moment, here are some examples of stonewalling that will make the difference clear.

Some of the most common examples of this behavior can be seen in married couples, where one partner stonewalls the other. The partner who stonewalls the other may dismiss the other’s feelings or walk out in the middle of a dialogue.

Usually, in such circumstances, the discussion may end before any fruitful results can be achieved. Wondering what is stonewalling in terms of how it shows in words and actions? Here are some of the commonly used phrases while stonewalling in relationships:

• I don’t want to talk right now
• That’s it!
• I’ve had enough
• Don’t start all over again
• End of discussion
• Leave me alone
• Go away! I don’t want to listen to anything right now.

To get a better understanding of how stonewalling psychology works, consider the following example –

John and Libby have been married for two years. During this period, they have had multiple arguments over several issues. John comes home late from work, and after he returns, he usually gets busy on his cell phone.

This behavior makes Libby unhappy, and on various occasions, she has told John about how she feels. Most of the time that she has tried to confront John, he gave no non-verbal cues about how he felt and behaved as if he had completely turned Libby out.

In certain instances, he only showed his displeasure by leaving the room after telling Libby that he had had enough of these discussions and wanted to hear nothing more.

This is a classic example of one partner stonewalling the other. Often, spouses avoid conflict or simply because they don’t want to deal with the situation.

It is important to note that stonewalling is very different from taking a break. When a person takes a break, they take out time to reflect on the situation, which usually brings beneficial results. Whereas, in stonewalling behavior, no such thought process is involved.

Watch relationship coaches – Aaron and Jocelyn Freeman teaching how to argue the right way in a relationship:

How does stonewalling affect a relationship?

There can be multiple instances where people don’t realize what is stonewalling in a relationship. In many cases, where stonewalling in relationships is a regular feature, it can be recognized as a form of psychological or emotional abuse. Stonewalling can leave one’s partner feeling vulnerable.

Is stonewalling abusive? Well, it can be. After you have understood what is stonewalling, you must also know that the effects of stonewalling on any marital relationship are derogatory. Many times when a person stonewalls their spouse, the spouse experiences stress and anxiety.

• Sometimes, the spouse may also use the widely known ‘silent treatment’
• Partner who is stonewalled may feel humiliated to the extent that they question their self-worth
• It can lead to resentment and frustration in the relationship
• Research suggests stonewalling may be a key predictor of divorce
• Stonewalling may even affect physical health. According to a study, it can lead to musculoskeletal symptoms in both partners.

Stonewalling effects on victim can be quite challenging to deal with. The person being stonewalled may feel diminished, confused, sad, and angry – all at the same time. They can begin to feel helpless in the relationship or marriage. Their self-worth and respect may be adversely affected. 

While they may feel determined to leave the relationship sometimes, they may not be able to do so as well. This can make them feel even worse. It can affect their physical and mental health. 

5 ways to deal with stonewalling

Now that you know what is stonewalling, its causes, and how it affects you and your relationship, you must also learn ways to deal with it. If you are frequently stonewalled, you must often be mulling over how to break through stonewalling. 

How to react to stonewalling? Just avoid getting hyper-emotional. Stonewalling in relationships can be taken care of if you and your partner are willing to put in your efforts for the greater good.

• How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship? The first step entails the stonewaller to identify and acknowledge this behavior. Once accepted, both partners must be willing to deal with it.
• If you find your partner uncomfortable talking about something at a time, do not annoy them further. Pestering will not fetch you any positive results.
• Your partner would maintain a tacit silence as usual. Moreover, your anxiety and frustration levels would inadvertently cross limits. Maintain your logical thinking during this time.
• Instead, give your partner a much-needed break. You both must try to cool down during the break period and carry on with the discussion when both of you are in a receptive mood.
• Another good option is seeking professional help, relationship counseling or taking up an online marriage course from the comfort of your home to sort out all the other issues in your relationship for a happy and healthy married life.

Got more questions?

Now that we have discussed in detail what is stonewalling in relationships and how one can deal with it effectively. It’s time to answer some more questions in the same direction. We hope these questions address your concerns.

• Is stonewalling the end of a relationship?

Although stonewalling is a serious hurdle in the way to a healthy relationship, dealing with it the right way can make it look like nothing. It can be frustrating and demanding but holding on to your patience and understanding is the key to it. 

Stonewalling does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship if you are aware of the correct way of managing it.

• Is stonewalling manipulative?

By now, you may be aware of what is stonewalling and that it is not healthy. However, is stonewalling abuse? Emotional abuse refers to mean behavior that is exhibited to hurt and manipulate the subject. 

However, people who stonewall may not always intend to cause harm to the person who is being stonewalled. The emotional effects of stonewalling can make it difficult for both partners to realize what’s going on.

Stonewalling abuse is when someone refuses to listen, acknowledge or pay attention to their partner’s complaints or feelings to cause them harm. In most cases of stonewalling relationships or stonewalling marriage, the partner who is stonewalling is only trying to avoid confrontation or a fight. 

While they may not consciously realize that they are trying to hurt their partner by their actions (such as stonewalling), a part of their brain may know that they are. If stonewalling is used to abuse, belittle, or harm someone, it can be characterized as manipulative.

Stonewalling can be prevented!

Understanding what is stonewalling is one of the most critical steps in dealing with it. Stonewalling is one of the major types of behaviors that lead to a failed marriage. Many people stonewall their partners without realizing the effects their behavior has on their loved ones. 

They also are unable to foresee how this may affect their relationship in the long term. While making compromises in a relationship or marriage is inevitable, it is essential to identify behaviors that affect a partner’s physical and mental health and resolve them to have a healthy and happy relationship.