How to Deal With a Complaining Spouse: 10 Effective Tips

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Living with a spouse who seems to always find something to complain about can be exhausting. You might wonder, “How did we end up here?”

Complaints, whether big or small, can weigh on you and leave you feeling frustrated or drained. Maybe it’s the constant grumbling about chores… or the way they point out every little wrong thing.

Whatever the case, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, even in the best of relationships.

Understanding how to deal with a complaining spouse can help you find a balance between supporting their needs and protecting your peace.

It doesn’t have to be all negative—there are ways to turn things around and make the relationship more harmonious again! Patience, empathy, and a few strategies can go a long way.

Why do partners complain in a relationship?

Partners often complain in a relationship for a variety of reasons, and it’s not always about the big issues. Sometimes, the complaints are just an outlet for stress or a way to express unmet needs… even if they don’t realize it!

As Dr. Jennifer Jacobsen, Ph.D. in Psychology, states,

Constant complaining can be received as criticism by the partner, and criticism is one of Gottman’s Four Horses.

A gentle, compassionate approach can make all the difference when figuring out what’s really going on.

So, if you’re asking, “Why does my wife or husband always complain?” here are a few common reasons why complaints surface:

• Feeling unheard or unappreciated
• Stress from work or other areas of life
• Frustration with unmet expectations
• Struggles with communication or feeling misunderstood
• Dealing with unresolved emotional issues

Recognizing these factors can help you understand the underlying feelings behind the complaints! Once you see the root cause, it’s easier to respond with patience and empathy rather than frustration.

5 root causes of complaining

To learn how to deal with your spouse’s complaints, it’s a good idea first to explore the root cause of excessive complaining behavior.

When you try to understand why your complaining spouse behaves the way they do, it can help you approach the task of learning how to deal when your spouse complains with more compassion and empathy.

A lot of your beloved’s over-the-top complaining may make more sense. When your spouse complains, it might be their way of seeking attention, resolution, validation, connection, or empowerment.

These are all fundamental needs. The issue is that your spouse cannot express these needs constructively or adaptively. Instead, they opt for need satisfaction by complaining, severely injuring the marriage.

Here are 5 likely root causes of constant complaining behavior:

1. Modeling

There is a high chance that your spouse learned their complaining behavior from their caregivers in their childhood.

Dr. Jacobsen says,

Communication patterns are often learned in childhood, and we may repeat the behaviors our parents modeled for us.

2. Resentment

There’s also the possibility that your beloved may be consciously or unconsciously holding onto old grudges or resentments.

The chronic complaining may be an indirect expression of that resentment.

3. Projection

This is a popular defense mechanism. Through this mechanism, people project what they don’t like about themselves onto others.

So, your spouse’s constant complaining may be their way of projecting what they dislike about themselves onto you.

4. Insecurity

Your spouse may be feeling insecure about certain aspects of themselves or the relationship. 

Complaining can become a way to deflect attention from their own vulnerabilities, making it easier to focus on external issues rather than addressing internal fears.

5. Lack of emotional regulation

Some individuals struggle with managing their emotions in a healthy way.

When overwhelmed by frustration or stress, they might resort to complaining as a release, unable to express their feelings constructively.

What is the difference between a chronic complainer and a negative spouse?

It’s easy to confuse a chronic complainer with a negative spouse, but there’s a subtle difference between them. Both can bring frustration into a relationship, but understanding the distinction can help you better manage the situation.

Chronic complainers tend to focus on specific issues they’re dissatisfied with, often wanting things to change. Meanwhile, a negative spouse may have a pessimistic attitude toward life… regardless of what’s happening!

Let’s break down the differences a bit more clearly:

7 ways constant complaining can affect your relationship

Constant complaining can slowly chip away at the foundation of your relationship, leaving both partners feeling frustrated or misunderstood.

When your wife or husband constantly complains, it can lead to deeper issues that affect communication, emotional closeness, and even your overall happiness.

Understanding the ways that constant negativity can impact your relationship helps you approach the situation with more compassion and patience.

1. Strains communication

When your wife or husband complains about everything, it can make communication feel one-sided or negative. Instead of having balanced conversations, the focus shifts to complaints, making it difficult to talk about positive things or solutions.

Over time, you may find yourself avoiding conversations, leading to a breakdown in communication. This strain can create distance between you and your partner, making it harder to resolve any issues that arise.

2. Erodes emotional connection

Constant complaining can affect the emotional bond between partners. When your wife or husband is always complaining, it’s easy to feel emotionally drained or disconnected. You may begin to feel like you’re not on the same team, leading to frustration or resentment.

Over time, this can create emotional distance, making it harder to maintain intimacy and closeness in the relationship.

3. Builds resentment

If your spouse constantly complains, it can lead to unresolved resentment. You might start feeling unappreciated or like your efforts go unnoticed, which can build frustration over time.

When this resentment grows, it becomes harder to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, and both partners may become more critical of each other.

4. Reduces quality time together

Spending time with someone who complains frequently can make shared moments less enjoyable. If your husband or wife complains about everything, even fun activities may turn sour.

This can reduce the amount of quality time you spend together, as you might begin to avoid situations where complaints are likely to arise, ultimately weakening your bond.

5. Impacts overall happiness

When your spouse always seems to complain, it can cast a shadow over the relationship. Negativity has a way of seeping into everyday life, making it hard to enjoy the small moments that bring joy.

If left unchecked, this constant negativity can reduce overall happiness, leaving both partners feeling unsatisfied in the relationship.

6. Creates feelings of helplessness

Dealing with a husband or wife who constantly complains can leave you feeling helpless. You may try different approaches to address the complaints, but when nothing seems to improve, it can lead to frustration and a sense of powerlessness.

This feeling can make it harder to stay motivated to work on the relationship, as you may feel like nothing you do will make a difference.

7. Lowers self-esteem

When a spouse complains about everything, it can affect your self-esteem over time. You may start to internalize the complaints, feeling like you’re not good enough or that nothing you do is ever right.

This can lead to a drop in self-confidence, making it harder to stand up for yourself or express your own needs within the relationship.

10 practical ways to deal with a complaining spouse [with examples]

Dealing with a spouse who complains frequently can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t always have to be!

Whether you’re handling minor frustrations or facing more significant challenges, learning how to deal with a complaining spouse is key to maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship.

Below are 10 practical ways to manage these situations with compassion and patience, including examples of how to respond in a calm, constructive way.

1. Stay calm and composed

When your spouse complains, it’s easy to become defensive, but staying calm is crucial. Take a deep breath before responding to avoid escalating the situation.

So, what to do when your wife or husband complains about everything? If your spouse complains about everything, showing composure can keep the conversation productive.

Example:

Spouse: “You never do the dishes right!”

Response: “I understand it’s frustrating; I’ll try to be more careful next time.”

This shows understanding and defuses tension.

2. Listen actively

Sometimes, all a complaining spouse wants is to feel heard. Listening without interrupting or offering solutions can help ease their frustration. When figuring out how to deal with a complaining husband or wife, this technique can make them feel valued.

Example:

Spouse: “I’ve told you a hundred times that I hate when you leave your shoes by the door!”

Response: “I see that it really bothers you. I’ll make an effort to remember.”

By validating their feelings, you avoid making them feel dismissed.

3. Acknowledge their feelings

Acknowledging your spouse’s emotions can go a long way. When a wife or husband constantly complains, expressing empathy reassures them that you’re not brushing off their concerns.

Example:

Spouse: “You never pay attention when I talk about my day.”

Response: “I’m sorry if it seems that way. I really do care about what you’re saying.”

Showing empathy helps them feel emotionally supported.

4. Set boundaries

While it’s important to listen, setting boundaries is equally essential when dealing with chronic complainers. If the complaints are relentless, kindly let them know that constant negativity affects you, too.

Example:

Spouse: “Nothing ever goes right in this house!”

Response: “I understand you’re frustrated, but hearing this constantly makes me feel discouraged. Can we talk about solutions instead?”

Setting a boundary opens the door to more constructive conversations.

5. Offer solutions

If your spouse complains about everything, suggesting practical solutions can shift the conversation from venting to problem-solving. This helps both of you feel more in control.

Example:

Spouse: “I’m always the one who has to handle the bills.”

Response: “I know it’s a lot for you. How about we schedule time together to take care of it?”

Offering help creates teamwork and eases their burden.

6. Don’t take it personally

When figuring out how to deal with a wife or husband who always complains, remember that their complaints aren’t always about you. Sometimes, it’s about stress or things outside of your control.

Example:

Spouse: “This job is ruining my life!”

Response: “I’m sorry work is so stressful right now. I’m here for you.”

By not taking it personally, you can provide emotional support without feeling attacked.

7. Encourage gratitude

Encouraging your spouse to focus on the positives can balance out the negativity. When thinking about how to deal with a complaining spouse, gentle reminders of good things can help them shift perspective.

Example:

Spouse: “Everything’s a mess around here!”

Response: “I know it feels that way, but remember last week when we got everything done together? We can do it again.”

This subtle reminder helps bring their attention to what’s going well.

8. Avoid counter-complaining

When a wife or husband always complains, it’s tempting to counter with your own grievances. However, responding to complaints with more complaints only escalates the situation.

Example:

Spouse: “You’re always late picking up the kids.”

Response: “I hear you. I’ll try to manage my time better.”

Avoiding counter-complaints keeps the conversation focused and constructive.

Watch this video where Dr. Julie Gottman, a clinical psychologist, explains how to complain without hurting your spouse:

9. Suggest a break

When your spouse constantly complains, taking a short break from the conversation can be helpful. Stepping away allows both of you to gather your thoughts and return to the discussion with a clearer mindset.

Example:

Spouse: “You never listen to me!”

Response: “Let’s take a moment to cool down, and we’ll talk about this calmly in a few minutes.”

This gives both of you space to reflect and calm down.

10. Seek professional help

Sometimes, chronic complaining stems from deeper issues that need professional guidance.

Dr. Jacobsen says,

A therapist can help you and your partner learn healthy communication skills and help you overcome patterns that have contributed to relationship dysfunction.

If your efforts to manage the situation aren’t working, suggesting couples therapy can be a constructive way to address ongoing concerns.

Example:

Spouse: “Nothing ever gets better, no matter what we do.”

Response: “I think talking to a therapist might help us figure out why this keeps happening. We don’t have to handle it alone.”

Seeking help shows that you’re committed to improving the relationship, even when the complaints feel overwhelming.

Work on the problems together instead of complaining!

Rather than letting complaints drive a wedge between you, focus on working through the issues as a team.

It’s easy to get caught up in the habit of pointing out problems but shifting toward finding solutions together can bring you closer. When both partners feel heard and supported, the relationship becomes stronger and more fulfilling.

Remember, learning how to deal with a complaining spouse isn’t just about managing their frustration—it’s about creating an environment where both of you can thrive.

By approaching challenges with empathy, patience, and a willingness to grow together, you’ll transform those complaints into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.