17 Ways to Know if You’re Having Sex With a Narcissist

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Ever felt like something was…off…in the bedroom, even when the sex was good?

Like a disconnect, a coldness, or a strange performance you couldn’t quite put your finger on? You might be having sex with a narcissist. 

Sex with a narcissist can be a confusing experience. On the surface, it might seem amazing – they can be incredibly charming and eager to please (at first). 

But over time, weird things narcissists do sexually start to emerge: love bombing with extravagant gestures, needing constant praise and admiration, or turning sex into a transaction where your pleasure is secondary. 

This article dives deep into the ways to know if you’re having sex with a narcissist, how it affects you, and crucially, how to differentiate sexual narcissism (a personality disorder) from narcissistic sexual behavior (traits anyone can display). 

Is sex with a narcissist healthy?

Is sex with a narcissist healthy? In a word, no. While the initial allure can be strong, sex with a narcissist** is often manipulative and ultimately damaging. 

Sexual narcissists prioritize their own needs above yours, using sex as a tool for control and validation rather than genuine intimacy. They may love-bomb you with attention, only to withdraw and devalue you later.  

Narcissist and sex can be a toxic combination. You might find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, unsure of what will please them or trigger their anger. This leaves you feeling insecure, anxious, and depleted. 

Healthy sex involves mutual respect, communication, and genuine care for your partner’s pleasure. With a narcissist, these elements are often missing, leaving you feeling used and emotionally drained.

What is the difference between narcissistic sexual behaviors and sexual narcissism?

There is a distinction between narcissistic sexual behaviors and sexual narcissism. Narcissistic sexual behaviors refer to specific actions displayed by individuals with narcissistic traits during sexual encounters. 

On the other hand, sexual narcissism is a broader concept that encompasses an excessive focus on one’s own sexual desires, pleasure, and validation, often at the expense of their partner’s needs and emotional well-being.

Certified coach Silvana Mici says,

Narcissistic sexual behaviors pertain to specific actions within a sexual relationship displayed by individuals with narcissistic traits, while sexual narcissism is a broader personality trait characterized by an excessive focus on one’s own sexual qualities and a constant need for validation in the sexual realm. Both concepts contribute to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Do narcissists like having sex?

Narcissists often enjoy having sex, but not always for the reasons you might expect. For them, it’s less about creating a deep emotional bond and more about using sex as a tool to fulfill their own needs. 

Whether it’s for validation, control, or boosting their ego, the underlying motivation is to satisfy their desires rather than to genuinely connect. This makes sexual experiences with narcissists often feel one-sided or transactional.

Because their self-esteem is often fragile, sexual encounters can become a way for them to affirm their worth, making them highly motivated to seek out sexual partners frequently. 

That said, how long can a narcissist go without sex largely depends on how they’re meeting their need for validation elsewhere. If they’re getting attention in other ways, they might deprioritize sex temporarily, but it’s rarely for long.

While narcissists may show an intense sexual interest initially, this tends to wane as the relationship progresses. Once they feel they’ve “won” your affection, they might lose interest or start seeking excitement elsewhere. 

This push-and-pull dynamic can leave you feeling emotionally confused and unfulfilled, as sex with a narcissist often lacks the warmth and vulnerability that make intimacy meaningful. Ultimately, it’s important to recognize the signs and understand that their motivations may not align with your emotional needs.

17 ways to know you’re having sex with a narcissist

Engaging in a sexual relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and damaging. Recognizing the signs can help you protect your well-being and make informed decisions. 

Here are 17 ways to know you’re having sex with a narcissist:

1. The sex is really good

Are narcissists good in bed? Yes, mostly. Narcissists are known for being good in bed.

They tend to be voracious and seemingly attentive lovers. Especially at the beginning of the relationship, your partner might want to have sex all the time because you’re just so irresistible or they find sex with you so amazing.

Using sex in this way and making sure that sex is mind-blowing, is part of the “love bombing” that narcissists use to win a new partner over.

Sex with a narcissist might be the best sex you’ve ever had.

2. They are obsessed with pleasuring you

“Wait”, you’re probably thinking, “How can a partner wanting to give me lots of orgasms be a bad thing?” It’s not inherently bad, but with sex, with a narcissist, the focus on pleasuring their partner becomes about proving their own greatness rather than making their partner happy.

A narcissistic partner might even want to keep going after you’ve said you’re satisfied and may gloat about how many times they made you come.

3. Sex is all about them

Narcissists need to be the focus of every sexual encounter.

It is sometimes what turns on a narcissist sexually.

This doesn’t mean that they’re withholding, quite the opposite. But even when they’re giving oral sex or otherwise giving a partner pleasure, the narcissist wants to hear how fabulous of a lover they are, how much their partner enjoys what they’re doing, and so forth.

If your partner is obsessed with videoing your sexual encounters, watching themselves having sex in the mirror, or has a collection of sex tapes or photos from past relationships that they revisit, you are probably having sex with a narcissist.

4. They never reciprocate

While some narcissists love to use their ability to give orgasms as a way to hook a partner, others are remarkably sexually selfish.

For instance, they might ask for – or even insist upon having oral sex performed on them, but they refuse to reciprocate by performing oral on their partner. Or they may consider a sexual encounter over once they’ve had an orgasm, regardless of whether their partner is satisfied.

5. They don’t take no for an answer

Narcissists are not good with being told no or refused something they want.

A sexual narcissistic partner might pout or sulk if you turn down sex or a specific sexual act. This can escalate into using guilt to pressure you into engaging in sex, and even to the narcissist using physical force to coerce a partner into sex.

Some partners of narcissists report waking up to the narcissist having sex with them, which is a huge violation.

6. They withhold sex

It is one of the sexual narcissist signs. 

Because they use sex as a tool to dominate and control their partners, narcissists are well aware of the effect of withholding sex.

Sex with a narcissist might include the withholding of sex after an argument or after being refused something else they want, as a way to “punish” their partner.

Other times, the narcissist withholds sex as a way to make their partner question their own attractiveness, the narcissist’s love for them, or the stability of the relationship.

This is a form of gaslighting, a signature narcissist behavior.

7. They want you to engage in degrading sex acts

Narcissists will use rough or degrading sex as a way to control their partners.

While consensual kinks of many kinds are a part of many healthy relationships, a narcissist doesn’t care about consent while engaging in narcissistic sexual behavior.

In fact, they’d rather the partner they are trying to degrade have relatively little say in what is happening. 

Sex with a narcissist might involve the narcissist partner trying to convince you to engage in a sex act that you have previously said is a dealbreaker for you, arguing that “if you really loved them, you would.”

A narcissist may also degrade a partner by ignoring them or even leaving them immediately after sex.

8. They pressure you into sex early in the relationship

The narcissist wants to have sex as early in the relationship as possible in order to begin their dance of control.

If someone pressures you to have sex on the first date or very soon after meeting, this can be a sign that you are having sex with a narcissist – pressure being the operative word.

There’s nothing wrong with having sex early on in a relationship if you both feel free to say yes or no. It’s the narcissist’s use of pressure that makes this a red flag.

9. Excessive self-glorification

Glorifying oneself in bed is a sign you’re having sex with a narcissist.

During sexual encounters, a narcissist may constantly seek compliments or engage in self-praise, showcasing their perceived skills or physical attributes. They might overemphasize their “performance” or appearance, looking for validation more than connection. Their need for admiration often overshadows mutual pleasure, making intimacy feel one-sided.

10. Lack of emotional connection

Emotional detachment can be a red flag for narcissism in the bedroom.

Sex with a narcissist often feels more like a routine task than a meaningful connection. They struggle to form a genuine emotional bond, appearing distant or detached. For them, sex may be more about control or achievement than intimacy, making it difficult for their partner to feel truly valued.

11. Emotional manipulation

Narcissism and sex can form a toxic combination involving manipulation.

A narcissist may use tactics like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or mind games to control the dynamics of the sexual relationship. They might exaggerate feelings to manipulate the partner into complying with their desires, turning intimacy into a psychological battlefield.

12. Lack of intimacy afterward

Narcissists often avoid after-sex intimacy, keeping interactions shallow.

One of the strange behaviors narcissists exhibit sexually is the abrupt end of affection post-encounter. They might withdraw emotionally or show little interest in post-sex bonding, which highlights their self-centered nature and lack of genuine connection.

Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini elaborates on the importance of pillow talk in building emotional intimacy. Watch the video:

13. Cycle of idealization and devaluation

Shifting from praise to rejection can be a narcissistic pattern.

Initially, they might shower you with attention and make you feel sexually special. However, this idealization soon turns to devaluation, creating emotional chaos. They may lose interest suddenly or even criticize you, leaving you confused and hurt.

14. They don’t want you to look at them while in bed’

Limiting eye contact reinforces their need to stay in control.

Narcissists often prefer positions where eye contact isn’t required, aiming to dominate or control. They may instruct you to keep your gaze down, further asserting their superiority and avoiding vulnerability that comes with mutual eye contact.

15. They won’t let you sense their pleasure

Hiding their own enjoyment is a tactic to maintain control.

For a narcissist, showing enjoyment may feel like giving away power. They may hide their pleasure or act detached, as acknowledging it would imply vulnerability or dependency on someone else for satisfaction.

16. Overly critical feedback about your performance

Narcissists may use harsh feedback to dominate the emotional tone in the bedroom.

A narcissist may frequently critique your sexual performance or body in subtle or overt ways, making you feel inadequate. These comments often aim to control your self-esteem and keep you seeking their approval. Such criticism can create a toxic power dynamic where their opinion seems to matter more than your comfort.

17. Frequent use of sex as a reward or punishment

Using sex as a reward or punishment is a classic manipulation tactic.

Narcissists often treat sex as a bargaining chip, giving or withholding it based on whether their partner meets certain expectations. This behavior manipulates the partner’s emotional state and creates a conditional relationship, where love and intimacy feel earned rather than freely given.

How can this affect you long-term?

Long-term involvement with a narcissist in sexual relationships can lead to deep emotional scars, diminished self-esteem, and a sense of worthlessness. 

The constant manipulation and emotional detachment may cause anxiety, depression, or feelings of isolation. This dynamic often disrupts one’s ability to form healthy connections, leaving lasting impacts on trust and intimacy in future relationships. 

Over time, the partner may struggle with distinguishing between love and control, resulting in lingering confusion and emotional turmoil.

How to respond to sexual narcissism

Recognizing the impact of negative sexual behavior is the first step to reclaiming your power and establishing a healthier dynamic. Here are some proactive strategies to help you respond effectively:

• Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and stick to your limits.
• Talk to trusted friends or a therapist who can provide perspective and help you process your feelings.
• Prioritize your emotional well-being by engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
• Don’t be afraid to express your needs and feelings openly, ensuring your voice is heard.
• Reflect on whether this relationship is healthy for you and what you truly want moving forward.

Make an informed choice

If you find yourself involved with a narcissistic partner, seeking support from a therapist or relationship counseling can help you face the challenges and make decisions that prioritize your happiness and self-worth. 

Remember that your well-being should always come first. Every experience, even the challenging ones, offers valuable lessons about love, boundaries, and self-worth. 

Coach Mici adds,

Narcissists may prioritize their own pleasure and satisfaction over creating an emotional connection during sexual intimacy. Some researchers suggest that a narcissistic partner may show a lack of empathy or emotional reciprocity during sex.

If you notice a significant lack of emotional connection or communication in various aspects of the relationship, it could be a red flag. If you have concerns about your relationship, seeking the guidance of a mental health professional can provide valuable insights and support.

Have the strength to break free from unhealthy dynamics and create the fulfilling relationships you deserve. Stay hopeful and open to new possibilities.