How to Deal With a Narcissistic Husband: 10 Effective Ways

Living with a narcissistic husband can feel like walking on eggshells. One moment, he might be charming and loving; the next, critical and dismissive. It’s a confusing rollercoaster of emotions… and it’s hard not to feel lost in the chaos.

Does he really care, or is it all about him?

You might find yourself constantly questioning your own feelings, wondering if you’re overreacting or if your concerns are valid.

It’s exhausting and isolating to manage these shifting dynamics, especially when your needs are often overshadowed. But remember, you’re not alone in this.

Many people face similar struggles and find themselves searching for ways to learn how to deal with a narcissistic husband, to protect their peace, and to feel heard.

While the journey isn’t easy, there are ways to manage these challenges with strength and clarity.

Who is a narcissistic husband?

People sometimes use the term narcissist to refer to someone who is selfish and doesn’t think of their partner’s feelings within a relationship.

While this may seem like a casual term that people use to describe someone with narcissistic traits, the reality is that narcissism is actually a diagnosable condition, listed as narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-5, which is the tool that mental health professionals use when making diagnoses.

Sometimes, someone with narcissistic husband traits may not truly have the disorder and will only show some narcissistic tendencies.

On the other hand, some individuals who deal with a husband who puts them down and shows other upsetting behaviors are actually living with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder.

Some symptoms of this disorder are as follows:

• Believing oneself to be superior to others
• Only wanting to associate with other people who are perceived as highly successful, attractive, or special
• Expecting favorable treatment
• Taking advantage of others to get their own needs or wants met
• Being unable to empathize with other people
• Wanting constant admiration 
• Behaving haughtily and arrogantly.

Narcissism can exist as a spectrum, so if you are dealing with a narcissistic husband, he may show just a few of the signs above or show enough of these signs to meet the criteria for a diagnosable personality disorder.

While narcissists come across as incredibly arrogant, self-important, and confident, underlying their self-assured exterior is deep insecurity and fragile ego, which often has roots in childhood trauma, abuse, or rejection from parents.

7 effects of living with a narcissistic husband

It probably goes unsaid that having a spouse who demands excessive admiration and is willing to take advantage of others can be difficult, so you can expect some negative effects as you learn how to handle a narcissistic husband.

Below are 7 effects you might experience while living with a narcissistic husband:

1. Reduced relationship satisfaction 

Life with a narcissistic husband isn’t easy, and narcissism can make your relationship less satisfying. 

You’re likely to find that psychological tactics like manipulation reduce your happiness within the relationship. 

2. High amounts of conflict

Every couple has arguments from time to time, but you’re likely to experience frequent conflict if you are living with a narcissistic husband. In some cases, you may have arguments on an almost daily basis. 

These arguments arise because a narcissist is extremely sensitive to any perceived slights. They will take offense if you fail to give them the attention and admiration they feel they deserve. 

3. Social isolation 

If you are living with a narcissistic husband, it is not unusual to feel lonely. This is because narcissists tend to isolate their partners from others.

Not only do they want all of their partner’s time and attention, but narcissists also must cut their partners off from others, who may become aware of the abusive relationship and try to persuade the victim to leave the relationship.

4. Deteriorating mental health 

After being subjected to a relationship in which their feelings are not validated and expected to meet all of their partner’s demands, women married to a narcissistic husband are likely to have poor mental health.

They may even begin to show signs of a mental health condition like depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder. 

5. Financial problems

Keep in mind that one of the signs of narcissistic personality disorder is a willingness to exploit others for personal gain. Coupled with the fact that narcissists have difficulty empathizing with other people, they are willing to benefit others financially.

This means that your narcissistic husband will have no qualms about running up large credit card bills, overspending, or living off of your income.

You may find that your credit score lowers, or you end up in deep debt, trying to satisfy his needs. 

6. Reduced self-esteem

Another one of the side effects of being married to a narcissist is decreased self-esteem.

Over time, these frequent instances of verbal abuse can eat away at the partner’s self-esteem. 

7. Increased emotional exhaustion

Living with a narcissistic husband can be emotionally draining. Constantly managing his demands, dealing with his manipulative behavior, and trying to avoid conflict can leave you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

This emotional exhaustion often stems from the narcissist’s need for constant attention and validation, leaving little room for your emotional needs.

Over time, you may feel depleted, struggling to find energy for other relationships, hobbies, or even self-care. The ongoing stress of this dynamic can take a toll on your overall well-being, making it crucial to find healthy coping strategies and support.

How a narcissistic husband treats his wife or partner

So, how does a narcissistic husband treat his spouse?

Often, relationships with a narcissist are cyclical. At the start of the relationship, the narcissist will shower their partner with love and affection. 

The narcissist may tell their partner that they are soul mates, want to spend all of their time with them and be incredibly verbally and physically affectionate.

As the relationship progresses and the partner becomes comfortable, the narcissistic husband is likely to change his tune. He will engage in a process called “devaluing.”

There may be an argument, or the spouse does something, albeit minor, to let the narcissist down, and they no longer see her as their perfect partner. As this occurs, they will begin to treat their partner poorly.

If you’re living with a narcissistic husband, you can expect that he will treat you poorly, to the point of being emotionally or psychologically abusive.

After outbursts of rage or episodes of verbal abuse, he may return to briefly showering you with attention and affection as he did in the initial stages. Still, the relationship will become a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

Based on what we know from the research, you can expect some of the following treatments if you’re trying to figure out how to live with a narcissistic husband:

• Being attacked if you try to offer any advice or constructive criticism to your husband
• Setting your husband off into a fit of rage with little warning
• Being made to feel as if you need to “walk on eggshells” to avoid upsetting your husband
• Your husband seems cold and emotionally distant, even during sex
• Frequent verbal insults from your husband
• Being subjected to episodes of rage, during which your husband may scream and yell, break objects, or physically strike you 
• Your husband criticizes you for failing to live up to his high standards (appearance, housekeeping abilities, etc.)
• Vindictive behavior from your husband if you cross him, disagree with him, or fail to meet his demands 

15 signs of a narcissistic husband

Now that you have an idea of how living with a narcissistic husband may feel like, you may be interested in some of the signs that you are living with a narcissistic husband. 

Consider the 15 narcissistic husband signs below, which may just confirm your suspicions that your spouse is narcissistic. Knowing these signs can help you further understand how to deal with a narcissistic husband.

1. Little to no empathy 

Narcissists are so fixated on their own needs and feelings that they often do not empathize with others. This means that when you’re married to a narcissistic husband, he will often disregard your feelings.

He may insult you, inconvenience you, or engage in selfish behavior with no concern for how it negatively affects you. 

2. Lack of remorse

Given the fact that narcissists struggle to demonstrate empathy for other people, they also tend to lack remorse. They will show no signs of guilt when they hurt you, and they are unlikely to apologize. 

In the narcissist’s world, you are deserving of any hurtful or abusive treatment they send your way. 

3. Blaming others

Because of their fragile self-esteem, narcissistic husbands are unlikely to admit any wrongdoing. If they do, they’ll probably blame you for your poor behavior. 

For instance, if your narcissistic husband has an affair, he will likely blame you and say that you drove him to do it because of some flaw that you possess. 

4. Extreme overreaction to criticism 

No one likes to hear that they’ve done something wrong or somehow failed to meet expectations, but narcissists cannot handle any sort of negative feedback. 

If you make even the slightest suggestion that your narcissistic husband does something differently, he will become enraged. He may begin verbally insulting you or go so far as to break objects in the house if you offer any sort of constructive criticism. 

5. Frequent bragging

People who score high in narcissism expect special treatment, and they want to be recognized as superior for their accomplishments, even if they have not truly earned such recognition. 

Narcissists are also likely to brag about their achievements to get the recognition they feel they deserve. If your husband brags about his accomplishments and sometimes goes so far as to exaggerate his superiority, he is showing signs of a narcissistic husband. 

6. Constantly talking about himself

In addition to bragging, narcissists tend to talk about themselves. Your husband may dominate conversations, give you minimal opportunity to talk, or shift the topic of conversation back to himself if you attempt to discuss something else. 

You may even notice that when the two of you sit down to dinner together, he spends the entire time talking about his day and doesn’t bother to ask how yours went. 

7. Fixation on outward appearances

Narcissists want the best of everything, so they will put a great deal of time and effort into their physical appearance. This means spending hours at the gym, purchasing costly colognes and cosmetic products, and insisting on having the most expensive clothing. 

Since your husband puts so much effort into his appearance and only wants to associate with other people he deems to be special; he will likely expect you to look your best at all times as well.

He may insist that you go on diets, require you to get your hair done, or even suggest that you get plastic surgery to maintain your outward beauty. 

8. Extreme jealousy

Narcissists want to be the center of attention, so they can easily become jealous of those who steal the limelight. A narcissistic husband may appear jealous of people who are successful, which results in him putting others down or undermining their achievements.

He may even be jealous of you, and if you accomplish something significant, he will tell you that he’s “not impressed” or that it’s “not a big deal.” 

9. Manipulating with charm 

When a narcissistic spouse wants to get his way, he will have no trouble turning on the charm to sway you. He may be overly friendly or shower you with compliments when he wants something. 

For example, if he wants to get you to agree to a big purchase, like a new car or a fancy piece of furniture for the house, he may be overly helpful and complimentary for a few days.

He may even promise that he’s going to get a promotion at work or take on some overtime to compensate for a big purchase but fail to follow through on the promise after you’ve agreed to give him what he wants. 

10. There are no boundaries

Even close, committed relationships like marriage require healthy boundaries, but if you’ve been dealing with a narcissist, you’ll notice that there are no boundaries. You will feel as if you have no privacy, and you may even begin to feel that your time is not your own. 

Your husband won’t care about your need to have space to pursue your own interests, and he may even begin to interfere with your work or friendships because he is so demanding of your time. 

11. He’s easily offended

A narcissist expects much of your time and attention and wants you to shower him with affection and praise. If you fail to give him the attention he feels he needs, a narcissistic husband will become offended and will likely punish you in return. 

Even if you’re busy taking care of important duties, such as caring for your children, cleaning the house, or working, if your partner feels you haven’t given him enough attention, he may sulk, have a temper tantrum, or give you the silent treatment.

12. Manipulative behavior 

To maintain control over their spouses and get what they want from them, narcissists often have to engage in manipulative behavior. This may involve telling you that you are crazy and to blame for all problems in the relationship or convincing you that you are too sensitive.

Regardless of the exact tactic used, if you’re trying to figure out how to survive a narcissistic husband, you’ve probably been manipulated to believe that you are the problem in the relationship. If you’re unaware of this, surviving a narcissistic husband can become even more difficult.

13. Lack of emotional intimacy 

Narcissists lack emotional warmth and intimacy, even in romantic relationships, because they view relationships as very transactional. At its core, your relationship with a narcissistic husband is about what you can provide for him. 

The relationship is likely to feel very surface-level because it’s just a business transaction for him.

The narcissistic husband gets an attractive spouse, a satisfying sex life, someone to provide for his needs (food, a place to live, financial security), and he isn’t interested in anything deeper than this. 

14. Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is a common behavior among people with narcissistic traits. It involves denying your version of reality to get you to question your own judgment.

For instance, your narcissistic husband may deny saying or doing something incredibly offensive, even when he did, in fact, do or say that thing. 

Over time, this causes you to question if perhaps your memory is failing, and you come to believe that you’re the one to blame for issues in the relationship. 

15. A sense of entitlement

Rounding out the list of narcissistic husband traits is a strong sense of entitlement. A narcissistic husband feels that he’s entitled to his every desire.

Does he want to go to a specific restaurant, even if it’s your birthday and you don’t very much care for that restaurant?

He feels entitled to choose where you eat. 

He will also feel that you should respond to his every whim or demand, whether it’s a request that you bring him lunch at work in the middle of your busy workday or a demand that you rearrange the furniture precisely the way he wants it. 

The narcissistic husband feels entitled to have everything his way, and he doesn’t much care what you think. 

Can my narcissistic husband change? 

If you’re trying to figure out how to deal with a narcissistic husband, you probably wonder if his behavior will ever change. In addition, you may even question, “Can you live with a narcissistic husband.” 

After all, if you’re subjected to fits of rage, constant put-downs, and an expectation that you will meet his every need while denying your own needs, you’re probably fed up and wondering if you’ll have to live like this forever. 

The truth is that it is difficult for individuals with narcissistic personality disorder to change their behavior. Personality disorders represent behavior patterns, and it can be difficult to unlearn these patterns. 

That being said, if your husband has true desire and motivation to change, and he is willing to work through childhood issues in therapy, he may be able to change some of his behaviors so they do not have as much of a negative effect on your relationship. 

How can I help my husband realize he is a narcissist?

Helping your husband recognize narcissistic traits can be a delicate process. Start by choosing a calm moment to have an open conversation about your relationship.

Gently share how his behavior makes you feel, using “I” statements like, “I feel hurt when…” rather than blaming or accusing.

Encourage self-reflection by asking questions like, “Have you noticed how our conversations often focus on your achievements?” or “Do you think we could work on being more emotionally supportive of each other?”

Suggest professional help, like counseling, as a safe space to explore these dynamics. Remember, change is gradual; focus on creating a supportive environment where he feels understood and not judged.

How to deal with a narcissistic husband: 10 tips

Living with a narcissistic husband can be challenging and exhausting, leaving you feeling drained and unsure of how to handle the situation.

Understanding how to deal with a narcissistic husband involves knowing what strategies to use to protect your emotional well-being while maintaining some level of peace in your household.

Here are 10 tips on how to handle a narcissist and navigate this complex relationship:

1. Set clear boundaries

Boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissistic husband. Make it clear what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t, and be consistent in enforcing these limits.

If your husband starts to criticize or belittle you, calmly state that this is not okay and remove yourself from the situation if necessary. 

Setting boundaries helps you protect your emotional space and prevents the narcissist from taking advantage of you. Remember, sticking to your boundaries shows that you respect yourself.

What to avoid: Avoid making empty threats or setting boundaries you don’t intend to enforce. Inconsistency can encourage more manipulative behavior from your husband.

2. Avoid engaging in arguments

Narcissists thrive on conflict and will often provoke arguments to feel powerful or in control. To avoid unnecessary stress, try not to engage in these arguments. If your husband tries to start a fight, remain calm and avoid taking the bait.

A simple “I don’t want to argue” can defuse the situation. Learning how to live with a narcissistic husband often means choosing your battles wisely and not letting every disagreement escalate into a full-blown argument.

What to avoid: Avoid raising your voice or getting defensive during a confrontation. This can escalate the situation and provide the narcissist with the reaction they seek.

3. Focus on self-care

Living with a narcissist can be emotionally draining, so it’s crucial to prioritize self-care. Make time for activities that make you feel good, like exercising, spending time with friends, or pursuing hobbies. 

Self-care helps you maintain your sense of identity and strengthens your resilience. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your well-being. By focusing on your needs, you’re better equipped to handle the challenges of living with a narcissistic partner.

What to avoid: Avoid neglecting your own needs to cater to the narcissist’s demands. Over time, this can lead to burnout and negatively impact your mental health.

4. Seek support from others

Dealing with a narcissistic husband can make you feel isolated and alone. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups to share your experiences and get advice. Having a network of supportive people can provide comfort and help you feel less alone.

They can also offer practical advice on how to treat a narcissist and share strategies that have worked for them. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist who understands narcissistic behavior.

What to avoid: Avoid isolating yourself or keeping your struggles to yourself. Being alone with your thoughts can intensify feelings of helplessness and loneliness.

5. Educate yourself about narcissism

Understanding the characteristics and behaviors of narcissism can help you navigate your relationship more effectively. Knowing why your husband behaves the way he does can make it easier not to take his actions personally.

Educating yourself about narcissism also helps you recognize manipulation tactics and protect yourself from emotional abuse. Books, articles, and professional resources can provide valuable insights on how to deal with my narcissistic husband.

What to avoid: Avoid using what you’ve learned to diagnose your husband or to start arguments about his behavior. This could lead to defensiveness and denial.

6. Do not expect change

While it’s natural to hope your husband will change, it’s important to accept that narcissistic traits are deeply ingrained and unlikely to disappear. Instead of trying to change him, focus on changing how you respond to his behavior.

By managing your expectations, you can reduce your frustration and find more peace. This doesn’t mean accepting abuse but rather understanding the limits of what you can control. Knowing how to handle a narcissist starts with managing your own reactions.

What to avoid: Avoid holding onto unrealistic hopes that your husband will change. This can lead to constant disappointment and emotional exhaustion.

7. Practice emotional detachment

Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions to maintain control. Practicing emotional detachment, or staying calm and composed during conflicts, can prevent you from getting caught in their traps.

When your husband says or does something hurtful, remind yourself that his behavior is a reflection of his issues, not your worth. Emotional detachment doesn’t mean being cold; it means protecting your emotional well-being by not taking his behavior personally.

What to avoid: Avoid showing your emotional reactions or letting the narcissist see how their behavior affects you. This can empower them to continue their manipulative actions.

8. Use the “gray rock” technique

The “gray rock” technique involves being as boring and unresponsive as possible when interacting with a narcissist. By not reacting emotionally to their provocations, you make yourself less interesting to them, which can reduce their attempts to manipulate or control you.

This technique can be effective in minimizing drama and maintaining peace. It’s especially useful in situations where how to deal with a cheating narcissist husband is necessary, as it helps prevent further emotional manipulation.

What to avoid: Avoid sharing personal feelings or engaging in emotional discussions that the narcissist could use against you. Keep interactions brief and factual.

9. Document incidents of abuse

If your husband is emotionally or physically abusive, it’s important to document these incidents. Keep a journal of what happened, including dates, times, and details of the abuse. 

This documentation can be crucial if you ever need to seek legal protection or want to discuss the abuse with a therapist. Having a record of incidents can also help you see patterns in his behavior and reinforce the need to protect yourself.

What to avoid: Avoid confronting your husband with this documentation or threatening to use it against him. This could escalate the situation and put you at risk.

Watch this video where Dr. Ramani, a clinical psychologist, explains 5 ways to survive a narcissist when you can’t leave:

10. Consider your options

If your husband’s narcissistic behavior becomes unbearable or dangerous, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship. How to deal with a husband who is narcissistic sometimes involves making difficult decisions about your future.

Think about what’s best for your mental and physical health. Consulting with a therapist, lawyer, or trusted friend can provide guidance on the best course of action for your situation. Remember, your well-being is the most important thing.

What to avoid: Avoid making hasty decisions out of anger or fear. Take time to consider your options carefully and seek professional advice when needed.

To sum up

Learning how to live with a narcissistic husband means coming to terms with upsetting behavior, such as frequent put-downs, arrogance, lack of empathy, and manipulation.

You can use strategies to make life easier, such as practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and reminding yourself that you aren’t to blame for any of these narcissistic husband traits.

Ultimately, your partner will likely need to seek counseling to make any lasting changes to his behavior.

While living with a narcissistic husband, if you see your relationship is suffering and all the strategies have not worked, you might have to insist that your partner goes to counseling with you. You may even go so far as to give him an ultimatum.

Remember, no one should have to tolerate abuse at the end of the day.

If dealing with a narcissistic husband is taking a toll on your physical or mental health, or if violent behaviors threaten your safety, it may be time to devise an exit plan and seek support to help you safely walk away from the relationship.

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Jennifer Schulz LCSW

Dr. Jenni Schulz is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she earned her Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from National University. She has worked in the social work field for 14 years and is currently a professor at Ashland University.... Read more She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Dr. Schulz is licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and a school social worker through Ohio Department of Education. She currently works primarily as a crisis therapist at her local hospital and jail, while engaging in mental health consulting virtually. Read less

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