10 Common Things We Get Wrong About Cheating

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Cheating, an issue that affects roughly 20-40% of married couples and even higher among those dating, remains one of the most complex challenges in relationships today. 

Despite its prevalence, there are numerous misconceptions and things we get wrong about cheating, which can distort our understanding and response to the issue. This common yet poorly understood problem undermines trust, shatters hearts, and dismantles families. 

However, the reality of infidelity is much more nuanced than the stark contrasts of right and wrong that we often attribute to it. 

Through a deeper exploration into the statistical landscapes and the myriad forms cheating takes, we can begin to unravel the intricate tapestry of behaviors and motivations behind infidelity, leading to more informed and compassionate approaches to handling its impact on relationships.

What is cheating in a relationship?

Cheating in a relationship occurs when one partner violates the committed relationship’s established boundaries and trust. It’s a multifaceted issue that extends beyond mere physical infidelity, encompassing emotional affairs, online relationships, and any secretive behavior that breaches the trust fundamental to the partnership. 

This broad definition underscores the complexity of infidelity and challenges the things we get wrong about cheating, revealing that it is not solely about sexual betrayal but also about emotional disconnection and betrayal. 

Understanding cheating in this comprehensive way allows for a deeper insight into the dynamics of relationships and the importance of clear communication and mutual respect in maintaining the integrity of a commitment.

10 things we get wrong about cheating

Infidelity, embedded with complexity and emotional turmoil, is frequently shrouded in oversimplified narratives and myths. This section aims to clarify the things we get wrong about cheating, shedding light on common myths, misconceptions about infidelity, and misunderstandings regarding adultery. 

By debunking cheating stereotypes, we foster a more nuanced and empathetic approach to a topic often marked by judgment and pain.

1. Only physical affairs count

A common myth about cheating revolves around the notion that it’s only valid if physical. 

Many assume cheating only encompasses physical acts, overlooking the profound impact of emotional affairs. These non-physical connections can break the trust and intimacy in a relationship just as severely if not more so, demonstrating the broad spectrum of behaviors that constitute infidelity.

For example: A person might feel equally betrayed when discovering their partner sharing intimate emotional bonds with someone else online, despite no physical contact.

2. Once a cheater, always a cheater

Rejecting the idea of immutable behavior, it’s crucial to recognize that people can, and do, change. The journey from betrayal to redemption involves deep introspection and commitment to personal growth, highlighting the potential for second chances and transformation.

For example: An individual who made a mistake by cheating in their youth can spend years proving their fidelity, demonstrating that people can indeed change and learn from their mistakes, defying the stigma that past actions dictate future behavior.

3. Cheating is always about sex

Infidelity often transcends physical desires, originating from emotional deficits or longing for validation. The quest for an emotional connection or escape from personal dilemmas can lead individuals astray, suggesting that the heart of the issue is often more psychological than physical.

In a study conducted by YouGov in 2015 on 1660 British adults, 44% admitted that they considered forming emotional bonds with others, as infidelity. 

For example: Someone might seek emotional solace in another person when feeling neglected at home, leading to an emotional affair. This scenario shows that cheating can be about seeking emotional connection rather than physical attraction.

4. Men cheat more than women

Dispelling gender-based assumptions, infidelity crosses gender lines with increasing frequency. Modern studies show that women are almost as likely to cheat as men, indicating that the propensity for infidelity is a human trait, not confined by gender.

For example: Contrary to the stereotype, a woman might find herself drawn into an affair, proving that the impulse to cheat is not confined to one gender but can be a temptation for anyone, regardless of sex.

5. Cheating means the relationship is over

Contrary to the belief that infidelity spells the end, many relationships survive and sometimes even thrive after such crises. Through counseling and mutual dedication to healing, couples can navigate the aftermath of an affair, emerging stronger and more aware of each other’s needs.

For example: After Tom’s infidelity, he and his partner sought therapy and worked through their issues. Months later, their relationship is stronger, showcasing that a breach of trust doesn’t always spell the end.

6. The other person is always to blame

Shifting blame solely onto the third party ignores the responsibility of the involved partner. It is the commitment within the relationship that has been broken, underscoring the importance of accountability and the complex dynamics at play in instances of infidelity.

For example: When Karen’s husband cheated, she realized that while the other woman knew he was married, it was ultimately her husband who broke their vows, highlighting the importance of personal responsibility in the marriage.

7. Cheating is the biggest issue in relationships

Although painful, infidelity is often a symptom rather than the root problem. 

Underlying issues such as lack of communication, emotional disconnection, or unaddressed resentments often pave the way for cheating, emphasizing the need for holistic relationship care.

For example: While a partner might be devastated by their partner’s infidelity, it can be the unresolved arguments and lack of communication that have eroded their connection over the years, pointing to deeper issues than the cheating itself.

8. If you love someone, you’ll never cheat

This simplistic view fails to capture the complexities of human relationships and emotions. Factors such as momentary weakness, unmet needs, or personal confusion can lead to infidelity, reflecting the multifaceted nature of love and commitment.

For example: Despite loving his wife deeply, a man may find himself in a moment of weakness, engaging in a one-night stand. This incident illustrates that infidelity can occur even amidst strong feelings of love.

9. Cheating only occurs in unhappy relationships

A prevalent myth suggests that only dissatisfaction leads to infidelity. However, individuals in contented relationships may also stray, driven by factors such as personal insecurities, the thrill of novelty, or unresolved personal issues, challenging the notion that happiness alone shields against betrayal.

For example: Clarifying misconceptions about cheating, it’s important to note that not all who stray are from unhappy homes. A partner in a seemingly content relationship might still engage in an affair, illustrating that satisfaction and fidelity don’t always correlate.

To understand more about why happy people end up cheating, watch this video by Relationship Coach Mathew Hussey and Psychotherapist Esther Perel:

10. There are no signs of cheating

Contrary to the belief in undetectable infidelity, there are often subtle or significant changes in behavior and dynamics within the relationship. Acknowledging these signs can lead to early interventions and honest conversations, potentially steering the relationship back onto a path of mutual trust and understanding.

For example: Julie noticed her partner becoming distant and secretive, missing dinner dates and guarding his phone closely.

By challenging myths about cheating using these ten things we get wrong about cheating, we aim to provide a more accurate and humane understanding of the challenges and realities faced in contemporary relationships.

FAQs

Cheating is a complex and multifaceted issue that extends beyond simple definitions and outcomes. Below, we look into various aspects of infidelity, exploring its definitions, implications, and the different things we get wrong about cheating.

• What is the true definition of cheating, and does it always involve physical intimacy?

The true definition of cheating varies between relationships but generally involves breaking agreed-upon rules of exclusivity. It doesn’t always involve physical intimacy; emotional affairs or online interactions can also constitute cheating. It’s the breach of trust and boundaries that defines the act, not just the physical component.

• Is cheating solely about breaking trust, or are there deeper aspects like power dynamics at play?

Cheating involves breaking trust, but it’s also about power dynamics. It can be an exertion of control or a way to express dominance in a relationship. The act can reflect inequalities or unresolved issues, indicating that the motivations behind infidelity can be complex and multifaceted.

• How does cheating impact the betrayed partner beyond just emotional hurt, and can it be considered a form of trauma?

Beyond emotional hurt, cheating can lead to long-term trust issues, lowered self-esteem, and significant psychological distress for the betrayed partner. It can indeed be considered a form of trauma, as it disrupts the foundational security and safety one feels in a relationship, leading to profound mental and emotional impacts.

• Are there common misconceptions about the reasons why people cheat, and what are some healthier ways to address relationship issues?

Common misconceptions about cheating include the idea that it only happens in unhappy relationships or due to a lack of love. In reality, reasons vary widely. Healthier ways to address relationship issues include open communication, counseling, and actively working to meet each other’s needs and resolve underlying conflicts.

• Can relationships recover from cheating?

Relationships can recover from cheating, but it requires effort, transparency, and forgiveness from both partners. Recovery involves rebuilding trust, engaging in open communication, and possibly seeking professional help. While challenging, many couples emerge stronger and more connected after navigating the aftermath of infidelity together.

Summing up

The discourse around infidelity is often riddled with oversimplifications and stereotypes, leading to a skewed perception of the realities involved. 

Recognizing the things we get wrong about cheating allows for a deeper, more empathetic understanding of its complexities. This shift in perspective paves the way for more constructive conversations and healing, enabling individuals and couples to navigate the turbulent waters of betrayal with greater insight and compassion. 

Ultimately, addressing these misconceptions fosters a healthier, more informed approach to dealing with the painful intricacies of infidelity.