The 7 Stages of a Breakup and Tips to Heal Faster

Listen to this article

Breakups are not only hard, they can frequently feel like something inside of us has died. 

The loss of a relationship can often be just as painful as actually losing a loved one. And it makes sense– this person that you were so intimately involved with, that was such an intertwined part of your life, is suddenly gone; unreachable, untouchable. 

Even if the breakup was good-natured and amicable, and you’ve decided to remain friends (which again is very debatable), it’s impossible to completely erase that feeling of a complete loss.

And it really is a loss– a loss of the future that you had pictured with them. A loss of all of those wonderful times you shared, or those that you thought were coming soon.

Related Reading: What to Do After a Breakup?

The 7 stages of a breakup

So how do we move on from a heart-rending breakup or stages of heartbreak or the 7 stages of grief in a breakup?

Getting over the phases of a breakup involves repairing our shattered hopes, dreams, and hearts. Of course, the best healer of all emotional wounds is time. However, there are a few things you can do to help yourself through these breakup stages.

First, know that getting over a broken heart is very similar to processing grief of any kind. You’ll go through many, if not all, of the same stages of a breakup:

Stage 1: Shock

The shock is one of the stages of a breakup is when you can’t believe that this is happening to you. 

You might say things like, “Why is this happening to me?” or “How is it possible?”

You just can’t come to terms with the fact that you are facing something so earth-shattering. This is one of the primal reactions to the loss and one of the inevitable stages of a breakup and such feelings after a breakup starts almost immediately.

Why we go through this stage: 

In this phase, the experience is the same as a physical accident.  It hurts undeniably and you go dumb. This is our brain’s natural fight, flight, or freeze response and eventually prepares your brain for a response.

Stage 2: Denial

This is one of the stages of a breakup that happens before, during, and after the actual breakup. We may pretend that nothing is wrong. Once the breakup is official, we may pretend that it’s nothing, or believe that it’s just a fight and that we’ll be able to work it out. 

We constantly check our phones to see if there’s any message. 

We keep reassuring ourselves with “Maybe this will be better after some time” or “This is not true. It’s just an overreaction.” We hope that everything will be back to normal, even though deep down inside we know it can never really be.

Why we go through this stage: 

This is a biological reaction of the body and mind to pull anything that is going away. There is a sense of hope that what is happening at the moment is not true. The reason is that our brain refuses to accept the sudden shock. 

Stage 3: Isolation

Now that you have recognized the awful breakup, you might feel that you need some time alone to introspect your feelings and fully recover from the breakup. This is one of the stages of a breakup that can be overwhelming and messy. 

You will find yourself wondering, “I don’t know what to do with my life now” or “What am I without <name>.”

Why we go through this stage: 

Isolation is one of the stages of a breakup that can’t be skipped. It is an inevitable plot where you are bound to land. This happens because our inner-self finally accepts the loss and wants some time to come to terms with it. 

Related Reading: How to Get Over Breakup Depression: Symptoms & Treatment

Stage 4: Anger

“How could he/ she have done this to me?”

We feel like we hate them, and we tell everyone who’ll listen just how bad they were, and how much they’ve hurt us. The truth, however, is that we’d take them back in a second if they would just call.

Why we go through this stage: 

This is one of the healthy signs that you are finally recovering. If you are able to draw out reactions of anger from inside you, it means that you are questioning what went wrong and will eventually regain your self-worth.

Stage 5: Bargaining

We’d do anything to get them back! We’ll forgive them for whatever they have done. We just somehow want to be pulled out of this deep, dark pit of despair and make things like they were before. 

You will usually find yourself saying, “The relationship will definitely work if I am more patient/ understanding?” “ Can we get back together if I do <insert an activity your ex had been expecting of you>?”

Why we go through this stage: 

You have gone through a drastic change in your life and in this stage, you try to logically turn things in your favor. This is one of the stages of a breakup where your brain compels you to reconnect with your ex to work through the situation.

Stage 6: Depression

While dealing with a breakup, we feel utterly depressed. We cry and wonder what we’ve done to deserve this. Getting out of bed in the morning is a task and all you want to do is wallow in your own painful feelings.

You will feel things like, “Nothing I do can bring them back,” or “My life is hopeless without them.”

Even though this stage is the toughest, there’s light ahead – you’re on your way to true healing. Of course, if this stage extends for too long, then you must consider seeking help from professionals, friends, and family. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help.

Why we go through this stage: 

As one of the stages of a breakup, this paves a path for an outlet of emotions. It is a natural reaction of anything unfavorable happening in your life. You will question yourself if you are good enough or what did you do to deserve this, but if you make the right efforts.

Stage 7: Acceptance

This is where the real healing begins, and the sooner you can get to this phase the better. This is the stage where you finally recognize that it’s really over, and there’s no going back. 

Acceptance is a great place as it opens up several possibilities for an even better loving experience. Accepting a breakup eventually ends the grief cycle of 7 stages when you begin to say, “I am fine,” or “The breakup was hard but I know it happened for my own good.”

Why we go through this stage:

When you reach this stage of grief after a breakup, it means you are accepting a breakup and gaining back your hold in life. This is an accomplishment and it means you are not going to look back anymore. You understand that good things are coming your way.

Related Reading: How to Deal With a Breakup

In the video below, Susan Winter says the endings are hard but accepting that it is over and keeping up the hope is vital to move forward. Check out her tips:

5 Tips to heal faster

So, how do we get to this point as quickly and painlessly as possible? Here are some suggestions to pass the phases of heartbreak easily:

1. Cry it out

Tears heal. Tears cleanse. Let them flow. 

They can remove toxins, lower stress, elevate our mood and give us the strength to process a breakup. Just like forgiveness, the tears are 100% for YOU, not for them. You’re crying to release the grief you feel.

2. Take back your power

Instead of dwelling in waves of grief, remember that you are in control now – not them. In relationships, we don’t realise but the person we love holds so much power over us. When it’s all over, take it back from them. 

Know that you’re in control of your own mind and feelings – and only you have the power to release them. So, release the negative memories, but hold onto the beautiful ones.

3. Be gentle with yourself

Your emotions after a breakup can be messy. Be gentle and loving with yourself! Map out a plan of one little thing every day you’re going to do for yourself to feel special. 

Get a new look, a new wardrobe, or treat yourself to something you wouldn’t normally indulge in. It doesn’t have to be anything more than some small thing, but let it be about you and your needs for a change, instead of about everyone else.

Brooding, indulging in self-pity, junk foods, alcohol, and drugs is going to serve no purpose at all. Your beautiful, loving self deserves better.

And write, write, write. Every time you have something you need to say to them, every time you feel the emotion bubbling up inside you, express it; get it all down. Preferably with pen and paper.

4. Forgive

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It’s about YOU. And your feelings.

The definition of forgiveness is “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong): To stop blaming (someone)” as well as “to give up resentment of or claim to requital for.” With this act, you free up your mind, body, and soul to truly move forward to a better place.  

5. Don’t take it personally

Know that this relationship ended because it wasn’t the right relationship for you…or for them either.

It has nothing to do with you. You are absolutely lovable, and you deserve to be loved…by the right person.

Remember that the secret to getting over a broken heart lies with you. Surround yourself as often as you can with your cheerleaders and those people who love you. 

Accept their support and their reminders that you are a beautiful, caring, loving person and you deserve to be loved. Baby steps will get you there if that’s what you need.

Related Reading: How to Survive a Breakup: 20 Tips

Takeaway

Some kinds of pain in life are inevitable. However, once you recognize and accept them as a part of your journey towards a happier and more fulfilling life, you will gain a little more strength to handle your pain and more specifically, different stages of a breakup.  

Whatever you do, just make sure to move on, and keep moving, in the right direction.