11 Signs of Complacency in a Relationship and Ways to Fix It

Listen to this article

In the early stages of a relationship, the exhilarating rush of love and passion often takes center stage. However, over time, it’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves caught in the grip of complacency. 

Complacency in a relationship refers to a state of contentment and routine that can lead to a diminished sense of connection, excitement, and growth. It can manifest as a lack of communication, decreased emotional intimacy, and neglecting personal and shared aspirations. 

Recognizing and addressing complacency is essential for nurturing a thriving and fulfilling partnership. 

Kimberly Smith, LMHC, says

Complacency lurks as a silent predator in long-term relationships, eroding romance and intimacy away in small pieces. When complacency is noticed, the resulting big gap between partners can be difficult to repair.

This article delves into the causes, signs, and practical strategies to overcome complacency, reignite the spark, and foster a relationship that flourishes with renewed vitality and connection.

What is complacency in a relationship?

Complacency in a relationship refers to a state of satisfaction or contentment that leads to a lack of effort, growth, or investment in the relationship. It is characterized by a diminishing sense of novelty, excitement, and active engagement. 

In a complacent relationship meaning, partners may become comfortable and settle into predictable routines, neglecting the need for ongoing communication, emotional connection, and personal development. This can result in a decline in intimacy, passion, and overall relationship satisfaction. 

What does it mean to be complacent?

Complacency in a relationship can be detrimental to its long-term health and vitality, as it hinders growth, prevents addressing issues, and may lead to feelings of stagnation or disconnection.

What causes complacency in a relationship?

We can all fall victim to complacency in a relationship because the easiest thing to do is to do nothing.

We start out trying to show the best version of ourselves while dating. However, over time we might lower the effort we are putting into the relationship. In essence, we start taking each other for granted, more or less.

You know what it looks like:

• Talking about to-do lists instead of dreams and goals.
• Dressing up for going out with friends, but not for each other.
• Missing out on showing recognition and appreciation for one another.

Complacency can change a lot of things in the relationship for the worse. If you worry you might be complacent in love, check out the signs of complacency in relationships.

11 signs of being complacent in a relationship

Now that we have defined complacency in a relationship and its various causes, let us try to find ways to identify it. 

There are some telltale signs of complacency in a relationship that become visible if you observe things carefully in your relationship. Here are some of the signs that you should look out for:

1. Lack of concern for personal grooming

Being complacent in a relationship is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it helps you feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who you are, even at your worst. On the other hand, too much complacent behavior can damage the relationship.

Being comfortable and being complacent in a relationship have a fine line between them that is easily crossed.

Therefore, if you notice you are lowering your standards for your physical appearance while with your partner, take notice. If you want them to see you as attractive, you need to put some effort into it.

2. “I love you” is said without feeling

Can you recall the first “I love you” said to each other? Remember, with how much emotion and care did you pronounce those words?

If you are saying these three magical words without looking into each other’s eyes or while passing one another, you might want to change that before they lose the meaning they once had.

3. Date night is part of the past

Dating is what helped you become the couple you are today. If you no longer take the time to date each other or seduce one another, you might have fallen into complacency in the relationship.

If you don’t spend quality time with each other, you might forget why you got together in the first place. From there, it is easy to take each other for granted.

4. Loss of desire for sex

Have you ever heard the saying:” Good sex doesn’t necessarily translate into a good relationship, but bad sex translates into a bad one”?

One of the signs of complacency in the relationship is a decrease in sexual desire. Usually, when we stop engaging in new things outside the bedroom, we become complacent in the sheets as well.

Sexual and relationship satisfaction are intricately intertwined, and studies have also suggested strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships.

Thus, pay attention to physical intimacy changes since they can indicate the existence of other problems in the relationship.

5. No desire to share your experiences

A complacent relationship is not just about forgetting to put on cologne; you can become emotionally indifferent as well.

At the beginning of the relationship, usually, talking is quite effortless, and you can stay up all night chatting, juicing up on all the pheromones. But things might change later.

You don’t have to confide in each other for everything, but if you are not checking in with each other about big or small things, you might be slipping into complacent behavior.

6. You are your worst self around each other (a lot)

A part of true intimacy is being able to be at our worst and still feel accepted. However, if you notice you are always and exclusively with your partner, there is a chance you are becoming too comfortable.

Pay attention if you are taking things out on each other or perpetually short with one another. This is a slippery slope from being comfortable around each other to being comfortable devaluing one another.

7. Feeling distant

As a result of not taking the time to talk to each other and settling instead of improving your intimacy, you could grow distant and reserved.

Feeling complacent in a relationship can lead to lowering the effort we put into the relationship, and therefore we grow farther from one another.

8. Feeling bored and settling

What do you do for fun as a couple? How does that compare to when you first started dating? If you find you are rather spending time with friends or alone than with your spouse, something needs to change.

Boredom is the silent killer of marriages, as it can be an indicator of complacency in a relationship. It prevents you from seeing all the wonderful and interesting parts of your partner’s personality that attracted you to them in the first place.

9. Not talking things through

Conflicts happen in healthy relationships too. When they happen, spouses that value the relationship work on resolving the conflict. It is a natural response to attempting to preserve the relationship. As long as you are working on resolving the problem, there is hope for a relationship’s success.

Spouses being complacent in a relationship won’t pour much effort into communicating about the issue. When you no longer care to be engaged in resolving the argument, you are choosing to be complacent in a relationship and endangering the future together.

10. Lack of attention

With so many things to do daily, it becomes easy to forget to add each other as a priority on top of our to-do lists. We pay more attention to the grocery list, kids and their needs, and other problems that come up rather than to our partners.

Do you ask them how they are, follow up on a story they told you, or put your phone down when they talk to you? How do they know you care if you are not attentive? This can be detrimental to the relationship, and if you notice this sign, it is time for a correction.

11. You no longer discuss future plans

The eighth point, lack of future planning, refers to a diminished focus on discussing and planning for the future as a couple. It involves a decline in conversations about shared goals, dreams, and aspirations. 

Partners may avoid discussing long-term commitments, such as marriage, starting a family, or career plans together. This lack of future planning reflects a lack of investment in the relationship’s long-term growth and can contribute to a sense of stagnation and disconnection. 

It is important to address this issue and have open, honest conversations about the future to foster a sense of shared vision and purpose in the relationship.

11 ways to overcome complacency

You don’t have to be a victim or have your relationship suffer over something preventable. If you are asking yourself how to stop being complacent, there are things you can start doing today:

1. Change your mindset

Any time you are trying to change something, you want to start small to stay consistent. Adopt a mindset that allows you to focus on the things you can right now. Over time that action zone will increase.

Ask yourself every day: “What is a small thing that I can do today to become more engaged and appreciative in my relationship?”

In the end, small efforts will add up to something great.

2. Take notice and complement each other

Pay more attention to the little things your partner does. Maybe they change something about their appearance or help out around the house.

Complement them so they feel their effort is recognized and valued. When people feel appreciated, they value the relationship more and are likely to be more attentive in return.

3. Set aside some alone time

To stop being complacent in a relationship, you need to find the motivation to be more active—a reminder of the things you love about yourself as a couple can serve that purpose.

To recall those things, you need some alone time frequently. While alone, perhaps you can browse through old photos and favorite memories. Those can motivate you to generate new adventures together.

4. Shake up the routine

A sense of adventure can make the relationship seem more exciting and chase away boredom. You can start small, like picking a different place for date night rather than going to a familiar restaurant you know serves good food.

Stop by their work to have lunch together with phones in your pockets, so you can catch up. Surprises work wonders in creating a sense of excitement in the relationship.

5. Be honest with yourself

Imagine if you are dating yourself. What things would you complain about yourself? Make a list and pick the smallest one that will have the most impact.

It is not easy to acknowledge you are complacent in the relationship and that change needs to start with you. However, it will be rewarding once you see their reaction to your transformation.

Also, your sense of confidence and self-worth can increase as a result of your progress.

6. Adopt a curiosity mindset about your partner

Most of the time, you can assume what your partner will choose to eat or say. However, don’t assume you know them entirely. There are still things they can share that might surprise you.

Although that is a bit scary to think about, it is also exciting to know you still have things to learn about them. Your adventure is not over, so don’t treat your partner as though you know everything there is to know.

7. Imagine your life without them

This is a thought experiment that can frighten you yet snap you out of being complacent in a relationship.

Once you imagine how it would be to live a life without them, a new sense of appreciation will appear for all the little things you might be taking for granted now.

8. Be grateful every day

How to fix complacency in a relationship?

Gratitude works wonders for relationships. It helps your partner feel seen and reinforces the efforts they made.

Research found that expressing gratitude is associated with increased happiness, life satisfaction, and social desirability. Moreover, data shows gratitude is linked to a positive outlook on the partner and higher chances of voicing our concerns. 

When we feel free to share what is bothering us, we have a chance of resolving it.

Watch this video to learn more about how gratitude can change your life:

9. Build up the physical intimacy

Sex is not just a physical need; it also brings you emotionally closer to your partner. Set aside time to update each other’s love map and reconnect. Snap out of thinking sex just happens; you need to build the atmosphere outside of the bedroom first.

10. Set relationship goals

When you want to accomplish something work-related, you set goals and milestones. You can do the same in your relationship. To stop being complacent in a relationship, hold each other accountable for the goals you set together.

When something is clearly defined, it is easier to check if it is being worked on and how much progress is happening.

11. Seek professional help

Professional help can provide valuable guidance, insights, and tools to navigate through complacency and address underlying issues. 

A skilled therapist can help facilitate open communication, identify patterns, and offer strategies to reignite the spark in the relationship. They provide a safe and neutral space for both partners to express their concerns and work collaboratively towards building a healthier and more fulfilling connection. 

Seeking professional help demonstrates a commitment to the relationship’s well-being and can be instrumental in overcoming complacency.

Some commonly asked questions

Here are the answers to some pressing questions that can help you understand and overcome complacency in a relationship:

• Can complacency be detrimental to a relationship?

Being complacent in a relationship for a short period might be a transition you are going through. It might not be a red flag as long as it doesn’t last too long (what is too long will differ based on each couple’s preferences).

However, being complacent in a relationship is dangerous because it can lead to apathy and passivity. Its biggest danger lies in its demotivating nature. No relationship can survive unless partners have the drive to keep working and improving.

Moreover, no relationship can endure if it stays just the same as it was in the beginning. Why? Because life circumstances and challenges differ, and the couple needs to adjust and adapt to them. Yet, complacency leads to the opposite – settling and lethargy.

Disinterest in a relationship leads to a loss of desire to communicate, lack of effort in conflict resolution, taking passive roles in each other’s lives, and disregarding personal improvements.

Complacency provides the satisfaction of being in our comfort zone but disconnects us from our spouse. Therefore we can say that being complacent in a relationship does NOT contribute to the satisfaction and longevity of relationships.

• What are some strategies to prevent complacency in a long-term relationship?

Preventing complacency in a long-term relationship requires proactive effort and ongoing nurturing. 

Some strategies to prevent complacency include regularly communicating and expressing appreciation, maintaining open and honest communication, prioritizing emotional and physical intimacy, seeking new experiences together, practicing forgiveness and understanding, cultivating individual growth, and continuously learning about and understanding each other’s evolving needs and desires. 

These strategies promote connection, growth, and excitement, helping to prevent complacency and keep the relationship thriving.

• Is it possible to revive a relationship that has become complacent?

Yes, it is possible to revive a relationship that has become complacent. It requires commitment, effort, and open communication from both partners. 

By acknowledging the complacency, addressing underlying issues, and actively implementing strategies to reignite the spark, a relationship can experience renewed vitality. Rediscovering shared interests, setting goals together, prioritizing emotional intimacy, and seeking professional help when needed can all contribute to revitalizing the relationship. 

With dedication and a willingness to make positive changes, a complacent relationship can transform into a more fulfilling and vibrant partnership.

Final thoughts 

One thing is for sure, being complacent in a relationship can happen to anyone. Do you disregard your physical appearance, show less attention and gratitude than you used to, feel distant from your partner, and experience a decrease in sexual desire?

It is important to notice the signs on time to figure out how to avoid complacency in a relationship.

It is preventable and also restorable. The main thing is that both partners are willing and motivated to make some changes.

If you are not sure how to start overcoming complacency, take small steps. Don’t assume you know everything about your partner, and be curious. Show gratitude and appreciation for small things and keep shaking up the routine.

Intimacy is a moving target. You need to continuously try to accomplish it. If you seek to find new adventures and improve your intimacy, your relationship will be more exciting and satisfying.