10 Revealing Signs of a Codependent Parent and How to Heal

Have you ever felt like your parent’s happiness depends entirely on you?

Or maybe their needs always seem to come first, leaving little room for your own?

These experiences can leave someone feeling overwhelmed, unsure of where their role as a child ends and their parents begins. A codependent parent often blurs those lines, creating a dynamic where boundaries are unclear and emotional responsibilities weigh heavily.

It might show up as constant guilt, a need to fix everything for them, or feeling trapped in an unspoken contract to keep their world intact. This kind of relationship can be draining, even if love is at the center.

It is tough to carry that emotional weight, especially when it feels like stepping away might cause pain. Recognizing these signs can be the first step toward creating healthier relationships and reclaiming emotional space.

What is a codependent parent?

While codependency is not recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, some overlap exists with a dependent personality disorder. As this therapist’s summary of Dependent Personality Disorder describes, being overly dependent on others means being unable to function without support. 

Trying to answer the question, “What is a codependent parent?” is more complex. As Melody Beattie explains in her book “Codependent No More,” many definitions overlap with other disorders. This is why the DSM doesn’t attempt to single it out. 

Nevertheless, it helps to understand the definitions before launching into the signs of a codependent parent. This then makes it easier to explore who your codependent parent is and how to relate to them. 

Beattie quotes psychologist Robert Subby’s definition of codependency as “an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules.”

What causes codependency in parents: 5 reasons

Codependency in parents often stems from deeper emotional struggles or unmet needs. These roots can shape their behavior, influencing how they relate to their children and others.

Understanding these causes offers insight into the patterns shaping these dynamics.

1. Lack of emotional support 

Codependent parents often grew up without the nurture and emotional connection they needed to develop fully as children.

Therefore, they learned to suppress their needs and emotions while nurturing the belief that they had been abandoned.

2. Parental power struggles 

This belief of rejection develops as children can turn into parental codependency. Essentially, one of their parents used power and control to create a misguided sense of being needed and, hence, valued. 

In some cases, this portrays itself as overprotectiveness of the loved one in question, whether that’s their partner or child. Alternatively, it can translate as taking excessive responsibility for others and attempting to control others. 

They then later repeat the same habits with their children. So the signs of a codependent parent cycle to the next generation. 

3. Generational trauma 

Codependent parenting often includes learned behaviors from their parents, those who came before them, and so on. Attached to that is the impact of culture and society on beliefs.

In their book “Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap,” two psychologists explain how rigid and hierarchical roles between men and women exacerbate the tendency for codependency within family units. 

The idea is that most people learn the dominator rather than the partnership approach when it comes to relationships. This doesn’t create a dynamic where all parties can freely express themselves and nurture their identities alongside the family’s needs.

4. Addiction and abuse 

Codependent parents can also come from homes where one of their parents battled with substance or physical abuse. This creates chaos and uncertainty such that they become “caretakers.”

Caretaking is one of the signs of codependent parenting when they ignore their own needs. They become so responsible for caring for others that it creates an imbalance. Over time, they become victims and feel undervalued for all the “help” they are giving. 

The sad truth is that that help is neither wanted nor is it, in fact, helpful.

5. Neglect and betrayal 

The belief that there is something wrong with them is the core foundation of codependency. This shame can come from abuse or living with addicted parents.

It can also come from emotionally unavailable parents or parents who dismiss their children’s need to express themselves freely. Neglecting a child’s emotions and feelings can deeply harm their development, leaving lasting effects that may shape how they view themselves and others.

10 common signs of a codependent parent

Codependent parent’s signs can often be subtle, yet their impact runs deep.

Have you noticed behaviors that feel more like obligations than natural connections?

The characteristics of a co-dependent family member often involve blurred boundaries, emotional dependence, and unspoken expectations. Understanding these patterns sheds light on the unique challenges these relationships can create, especially within families.

1. Disregarding your boundaries

One of the most common signs of a codependent parent is that they don’t understand how to respect boundaries. It’s almost as if you’re one person with no sense of separation.

They may dismiss your feelings, invade your privacy, or make decisions for you without considering your preferences, leaving you struggling to assert your individuality.

2. Telling what to do and think

Codependents can either be compliant or controlling. With the latter, they tend to manage others using blame, guilt, charm, and even force.

This might look like constantly criticizing your choices, framing their opinions as absolute truths, or pressuring you to conform to their expectations, often leaving little room for your own thoughts or independence.

3. Passive aggressive

On the other hand, the compliant signs of a codependent parent are to be so overly subservient that it becomes manipulation.

It’s a form of “look what I do for you” without directly saying the words, so you feel shamed into following their will. This subtle guilt-tripping creates an obligation to please them, often at the cost of your own emotional needs.

4. Disproportionate concern

Codependents have low self-esteem and feel worthy by putting someone else’s needs first. This then usually cascades into being overly caring or concerned.

In this case, dealing with a codependent parent means reclaiming control of your schedule and your space. Letting your codependent parent do everything from cooking to managing your handyperson might seem helpful, but in the end, it stops you from managing your own life. 

5. Martyrdom 

One of the signs of a codependent parent revolves around sacrifice. As their self-worth is so wrapped up in someone else’s needs, the more they do for that person, the more they feel justified.

To codependents, this sacrifice is a positive behavior. They live in denial that they are causing any harm by preventing another’s self-growth.

6. Ignoring your needs and desires 

As mentioned, many codependent behavior examples include bringing you into their way of thinking. This type of control and disregard for what you want comes from believing others can’t manage their lives.

This is in contrast to the compliant martyrs. They tend to be afraid to express themselves freely and only exist to serve the other person.

7. Extreme anxiety and anger 

As codependents have suppressed their emotions and feelings, they usually don’t know how to handle problems. So, in the face of uncertainty, they tend to show extreme anger.

Anxiety is further linked because it stems from fear. Moreover, both anger and fear are evolution’s responses to threats. In the case of codependents, anything that threatens their control, or lack thereof, can lead to extreme reactions. 

8. Manipulation 

Codependency between parent and child often comes across as a more subtle form of control. On the one hand, the “helper” creates situations where the child needs the parent to survive.

On the other hand, codependent parents can become bullies. In that case, the child finds giving in to their demands easier. 

9. Catastrophizing 

Due to their low self-esteem, codependents fear rejection and criticism. This then translates into one of the signs of a codependent parent.

In this case, they make things out to be the end of the world. It’s just one of the many ways to force people to stop and return to them. 

10. Take things personally 

Because codependents rate their worth based on others, they are highly protective of them, and any comment or criticism reflects on them. Moreover, they hold on so tightly to their denial that they could do anything wrong that they are easily triggered. 

They then often don’t know how to deal with their pain. So, they might isolate themselves or create more chaos. This is usually a bizarre attempt to make themselves needed to clear things up again. 

What are the key differences between codependent parents vs. supportive parents?

Have you ever wondered what sets a supportive parent apart from a codependent one?

Both care deeply, but their approaches feel so different. Codependent parents often blur boundaries, relying on their children for emotional fulfillment… while supportive parents focus on nurturing independence and individuality.

These differences may seem subtle at first, but they can shape a relationship in profound ways.

5 effects of having codependent parents

Codependency is a form of emotional abuse regardless of whether there is a chemical addiction or not.

Either way, it generally stunts emotional intelligence, empathy, and mindful attention. This is further described in this study on the impact of codependency.

• Loss of self

A codependent parent is both the controller and the caretaker. They often mean well. Nevertheless, by being overly involved with their children, those children do not learn to connect with their inner worlds.

As a result, they believe they are only worthy when paying attention to another’s needs. This prevents them from developing an individual identity that doesn’t rely on the codependent parent.

That’s why the first step in breaking codependency with parents is to discover who you are and what you want in life for yourself.

• Dysfunctional relationships 

The effects of a codependent parent linger long into adulthood. As you never learned independence, your codependent parent is essentially in your romantic relationship making the decisions for you.

You end up with a codependent partner or an enabler who further reinforces your learned codependent behaviors. 

• Anxiety and depression 

Living with a codependent parent can potentially lead to anxiety and depression. After all, you’ve become entangled with the codependent parent who makes you doubt or ignore your feelings and needs. 

So, learning how to deal with a codependent parent means starting to stand on your own two feet. Rather than seeing every small hurdle as a problem for them to fix, try to problem-solve with others or on your own. 

• People pleasing 

When enmeshed with a parent who makes our own decisions, we tend to do whatever people want.

Instead, breaking codependency with parents means seeing their unhealthy patterns of life. Whether they’re manipulative, controlling, or passive-aggressive, you must tap into your anger of being made to be someone you’re not.

Through release comes peace and, eventually, forgiveness. 

• Emotionally stuck 

The effects of a codependent parent are that you learn to suppress your emotions and feelings. Consequently, you become emotionally distant from those close to you and perhaps even avoidant-attached. 

The alternative effect is that you might become overly needy. You don’t know how to interpret or answer your emotions. Such an anxious attachment style is usually linked to codependents and you might even notice your own codependency coming through. 

7 ways to heal when you have a codependent parent

The day you finally realize that your parents are human and fragile like everyone else is the day you can start healing.

As you embark on your journey, you’ll gradually sense the dynamics with your parents shift.

1. Learn to connect to feelings 

To heal from the signs of a codependent parent, you must first learn to experience your emotions and how they differ from feelings.

The first refers to bodily sensations. The second is the story or meaning your mind attaches to the sensations.

2. Explore boundaries 

As you explore your emotions, you’ll better understand your needs. Then, you’ll need to learn how to set boundaries with codependent parents.

In this situation, common boundaries include what language you will accept from your parents and how often you see and talk to them. The tough part is enforcing them assertively and compassionately. 

3. Heal your inner child 

The most critical aspect of recovering from codependency between parent and child is reparenting your inner child. In essence, you never received the love and nurturing you needed. So, now you need to find ways to meet those needs. 

Part of that might involve grieving a lost childhood as you explore what it means to support and love yourself internally.

For more ideas on inner healing, watch this TED talk by Kristin Folts, a Parent Coach:

4. Examine the art of letting go

As you start healing your inner child, you’ll uncover many emotions. These will range from anger and shame to sadness and despair.

Hard as it sounds, make sure you experience all those emotions. At the same time, you’ll naturally uncover the signs of a codependent parent and their specific impact on you. 

As you process those emotions, you’ll start accepting that the past is the past. Nevertheless, you can change how you respond to it. You’ll then grow from the experience.

With time, you’ll also gradually start letting go of the need for revenge, or even control, over your parents and others around you.

5. Get support

The journey isn’t easy, especially as you’re initially lost and confused because you never developed independently. Without role models for healthy relationships and supportive boundaries, we often need to turn to a relationship therapist.

Alternatively, you can also consider doing a 12-step program with CODA.org. This well-known group offers a structured process alongside the power of group support.

6. Cultivate self-compassion

As you heal, it is vital to treat yourself with kindness and patience. Growing up with a codependent parent might have made self-criticism your default. Learning to replace judgment with understanding can be transformative.

Find ways to nurture self-love, whether through affirmations, mindfulness, or journaling. Over time, this practice will help you separate your worth from your parents’ expectations, empowering you to embrace your authentic self.

7. Redefine your relationship

Healing does not mean cutting ties—it means creating a healthier connection. Begin by observing how you interact with your parents.

Are their needs dominating your life?

Slowly, you can redefine the relationship by sharing your limits and asserting your individuality. While this might create tension initially, consistent communication and clarity will pave the way for a more balanced and mutual bond over time.

Breaking the cycle: Healing parent-child relationships

Codependency in parent-child relationships often arises from abusive, addictive, or imbalanced family dynamics, as well as from generations of learned behaviors. When codependency with parents is present, emotions and identities often become entangled, making it difficult to establish a sense of self.

With patience and guidance from a relationship therapist, healing and cultivating self-love become possible. Over time, acceptance and forgiveness can take root, allowing you to embrace independence and a grounded sense of being.

Most importantly, you can open yourself to experiencing loving and stable relationships with those around you.