33 Signs a Married Man Is Pursuing You and How to Deal

You recognize that fleeting glance from across the room, and you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Wait, something’s wrong. A married man? Surely, this isn’t one of the signs a married man is pursuing you? 

Studies show that flirting makes us feel good and can reduce an individual’s stress levels overall. We all know that we feel special and extraordinary when someone pays special attention to us. 

However, it can be a complicated situation if a married man is flirting with you. His marriage and commitment to his partner make it complex to respond to his advances without hurting his pride. Therefore, it becomes essential to know for sure that the married man is pursuing you. 

How to know if a married man wants you

Life is complex, and even though we have clear societal rules, things can go wrong. So, a married man seeking an affair is perfectly possible, and he’ll show you clear signs he is pursuing you. Then again, you could innocently flirt with a married man without realizing it. 

Either way, you’ll recognize those butterflies in your gut and those looks with discrete brushes against your arm. He’ll focus his full attention on you while asking you lots of questions because he’s genuinely interested.

Interestingly, what you take as signs that a man is interested in you could just be his way of being friendly. We all have biases, and some might be overly wary of men and their approaches. 

Different people have different styles of flirting. Without knowing the benchmark behavior, it’s difficult to jump to conclusions and confirm you’re seeing the signs a married man is pursuing you. 

So, how to tell if a married man is attracted to you starts by comparing his behavior with you and everyone else. Moreover, do you see any changes or awkwardness when his wife turns up? 

Furthermore, does he tend to talk about general topics or focus on sexier ones like your love life? This gives you another important clue, but we’ll go into more detail on the signs a married man is interested in a later section. 

What makes a married man pursue you

As you might have already guessed, men and women react differently when they see someone attractive outside their relationship. Research shows that women tend to work harder in their relationships after seeing an attractive man.

According to Kristen Failla, LMFT, “Married men may develop extramarital attraction and/or engage in such pursuit due to a variety of psychological, emotional, or situational factors. This can include marital dissatisfaction, unmet emotional needs, or a desire for validation. These do not serve as explanations or excuses for behaviors that could be harmful to one’s marriage, but more so a context to be mindful of.”

On the other hand, men don’t see flirting as a threat to their relationship, even though it might negatively impact their impression of their partner. Many men pursue someone with whom they can have innocent fun to boost their self-esteem or simply get a thrill. 

Another reason you might notice the signs a married man is pursuing you is because they want their partner to appreciate them more. While this might sound manipulative, it can also be a subconscious drive. Deep down, we all have a fundamental need to feel wanted. 

Of course, when a married man is interested in you, in some cases, it can be manipulative. For instance, if he’s a colleague, he might be trying to exert his power or force himself into a project. 

Alternatively, he could play some twisted pay-back game with his wife if she upset him. Either way, flirting with a married man is usually risky because someone will get hurt at some point. 

33 telltale signs a married man is after you 

Are you now asking yourself the question, “Is a married man interested in me?” Fortunately, there are many signs he is pursuing you. You’re probably in a complicated flirting situation if you recognize more than one of these signs.

Kristen Failla highlights, “Initially, clarifying questions and conversations about marital and relationship status can immediately clear up confusion or wondering. With interest and visibility surrounding ethical non-monogamous practices on the rise, it is important to understand the terms of one’s marriage prior to suspecting their intentions and/or feelings.”

1. Wants life details 

We love talking about ourselves because it makes us feel good. Neuroscientists have even pinpointed that it activates our brains’ reward and pleasure-seeking areas.

So, choosing to ask you questions about yourself and your life is one of the potential signs a married man is pursuing you. This is especially true if you’re in a group setting and he only focuses on you. 

2. Flirting

You know when a married man wants you by the way he keeps touching you. Perhaps he’s also complimenting you and giving you his dazzling smiles?

Whether flirting works, smiling, and making eye contact are common signs a married man is pursuing you. Nevertheless, touching is the definitive way to get the message across. 

3. Overly attentive 

Is he hanging on your every word? Does he rush to help you if you drop something or open a door for you? 

If you witness caring attention, you can start saying to yourself that a married man wants me. Of course, it’s a good idea to check what he does for others if this is just how he is.

4. Laughs at your bad jokes

Studies now confirm that humor is one of the key signs a married man is pursuing you. Research describes that humor is a form of chasing partners. Men seem to particularly use humor to gauge their potential match with a woman. 

So, listen out for humor to determine whether someone is interested in you. Moreover, do you laugh at his jokes? 

5. Frequent messaging

When a married man wants you, he’ll find it challenging to focus on anything else. He’ll find an excuse to message you. You might also notice a change in pace and content in this message and feel more personal. 

6. Plans alone time 

A married man seeking an affair takes any opportunity to get you alone. Eventually, they’ll be brave enough to take it further, and you could find yourself cornered. 

So, if you’ve noticed yourself suddenly alone for no real excuse, then consider this as one of the signs a married man is sexually attracted to you. The excuses are also another clue. After all, do you need to spend time alone? 

7. Confides in you 

Another possible sign a married man wants you to chase him is when you sense you’ve turned into his confidante. If he’s unhappy in his marriage and dreams of you instead, he’ll probably start complaining to you. 

Not only will you start hearing all the reasons why his wife is a burden, but he’ll also ask you for advice. It might start innocently enough. Nevertheless, this can quickly shift to become about how you could replace his wife. 

8. Jealous about other guys 

The signs a married man wants a relationship outside the marriage usually come with some form of territorial protection. We tend to want to keep someone for ourselves when we like them. 

For example, he might step in when other guys approach you. Alternatively, he could be aggressive or overly friendly toward you after you’ve just spoken to another man. The difference depends on his style and character. 

9. Inappropriate gifts 

Is a married man interested in me? If you’re wondering, look at whether you get any strange or sexy gifts. 

Even candles could be a step too far if you don’t know each other well. Jewelry is another personal gift that could be one of the telltale signs a married man is pursuing you. 

10. Hides his wife 

Have you noticed that his wife never seems to be around when you are? A married man can still be after you even if you’ve been friends for years. In this case, he’ll ensure that any get-togethers happen without his wife because she’s always conveniently busy. 

11. Friends start commenting and joking 

Our minds are great at lying to us and making us believe what we want to see. So, you might be denying the signs a married man wants you. Regardless, friends tend to see these things. 

Either they’ll say something, or they’ll more discreetly start joking about the two of you getting together. This can start feeling very uncomfortable. 

12. Multiple social media likes 

Social media has taken over many of our lives. We inadvertently share so much of ourselves, which also encourages stalker behavior.

How often someone likes your comments or shares, your posts could be one of the signs a married man is pursuing you. You’ll also notice that he knows things about you from your posts and photos, not because you told him. 

13. Inconsistent behavior

Depending on whether this is just fun or if he’s seeking an affair, he might start getting eaten up with guilt. Sometimes, this will make him react aggressively to you or simply give you the silent treatment. 

Yes, the married man’s hot and cold approach is confusing, but that’s usually because he’s getting lost in focusing on you. It’s hard to manage our internal emotions in such cases. 

14. Follows your love life 

Pursuing someone means you’re desperate to know their love interests and how you might fit in. When someone is in that first lust phase, they can’t focus on anything else. In extreme cases, psychologists refer to the mental state, limerence. 

Of course, not everyone gets to the extreme state. Nevertheless, individuals can experience a rush of happy chemicals in their brains. 

15. Drops everything for you 

You could be thinking to yourself, “A married man is pursuing me,” when he goes out of his way to help you. This could be simply rushing to your side when carrying something heavy. It could also be canceling his meetings to pick you up from the airport. 

16. Always at his best

The signs a married man is attracted to you involve a change in looks. Has he suddenly spruced up, and you always see him looking his best? Perhaps he’s shaved or cut his hair? Another subtle clue is when he adjusts himself when he walks past you. 

17. Overly protective 

We tend to want to care for and protect those we care about. In our minds, it doesn’t matter if it’s just a crush or a lifelong partner. That’s why some of the signs a married man is pursuing you include being protective. 

You might notice that he wants to walk you home or watch you start your car to ensure everything is fine. The more traditional men might also walk on the roadside to protect you from passing cars. 

18. Mirrors you 

Look at his behavior to see if a married man is flirting with you. We all tend to imitate those we like, especially those we’re attracted to. This is thanks to what neuroscientists call our mirror neurons. 

Neuroscientist Marco Iacoboni explains in his interviews that those cells allow us to connect with each other. They allow us to understand each other’s emotions and get closer to someone. Subconsciously, they can also lead us to imitation. 

19. Makes excuses 

One of the signs a married man is using you is that you may make excuses for him. This could be to protect you during an argument or spend more time with you. Other excuses include getting away from his wife or staying home while she visits the parents.

20. Shares personal dreams 

When a married man is interested in you, he imagines an alternate universe. This leads him to share his dreams and aspirations with you. He might not explicitly state that you’re in them with him, but that’s the wish. 

Regardless, he’s oversharing something that should be discussed with his wife, which can be one of the signs a married man likes you but is hiding it. 

21. Comments on new clothes 

How to tell if a married man is attracted to you is to pay attention to what he notices. For example, is he the first to spot your new look or a change in hairstyle? Moreover, he’ll compliment you, perhaps in an overly suggestive way. 

22. Changes if his wife walks in 

One of the apparent signs a married man is pursuing you is that his whole demeanor shifts when his wife appears. You might notice him shuffling away to create more physical distance from you. 

Alternatively, he might suddenly go quiet with a sheepish look. Either way, when a man is interested in you, they generally don’t want their wife involved. 

23. Body language 

It’s all in the body for how to tell if a married man is flirting with you. We’ve already mentioned touching, but the rest of his body is also there. Is he leaning in to get close to you? Can you smell his cologne? What about his facial expression? 

We take in so many nonverbal cues, both consciously and unconsciously. Dr. Michael Matsimuto, in a podcast, describes that we measure up the cues when compared to context and tone of voice. 

These are vital signs that a married man is interested in you. Moreover, he might not even be aware of all the cues he’s giving away. 

24. Knows your preferences 

If you’re thinking, “A married man is pursuing me,” you might be surprised at how much he knows about your tastes and habits. How did he discover your favorite color or ice cream flavor? 

Yes, one of the signs a married man is pursuing you is that he’s keeping a log of everything you’ve ever said. 

That way, he can watch you smile as he surprises you with a gift card to your favorite restaurant. Of course, the underlying hope is that you’ll take him. 

25. Time together seems to increase 

Spotting the signs a married man is pursuing means looking at changes in his habits. Not only does your time together increase, but if you’re colleagues, you seem to have more projects together. 

You might also suddenly find him turning up to your reading club evenings or at your weekly volunteer gig. He’ll have all the perfect excuses, which will make sense. Nevertheless, something doesn’t quite add up, and you’re left thinking, “A married man wants me.” 

26. Talks about how comfortable he is with you 

The flip side of complaining about his wife to you is telling you how amazing you are and how much he wishes his wife were like you. This is one of the signs a married man is pursuing you that will probably make you feel awkward. 

It’s worth remembering that this could be an innocent self-boost to feel better about himself. Nevertheless, if those conversations are being had in secret with the hope of getting more, you have to question his integrity. 

27. Affectionate teasing 

Playful flirting is another of the signs a married man is pursuing you. Then again, it could just be a brotherly attempt to be friends. Again, look around for similar behavior with others to help you benchmark this one. 

As we all know, teasing can go both ways and be seen as a threat. Studies suggest it’s a way of enticing someone into your world by creating an intimate connection.

28. Your gut instinct 

Let’s not forget that instinct also gives you valuable feedback about the signs a married man is pursuing you. While most of us are taught only to use logic and reason, neuroscientists have shown that we need our instincts, too. 

Of course, we make mistakes with our instincts, and our biases can blind us. Regardless, you can trust your gut if you’ve seen similar situations before. Experience allows us to strengthen our instincts, which is why many of us can spot a flirting man a mile away. 

29. Wedding ring disappears 

Naturally, one of the critical signs a married man is pursuing you is when you see his ring has disappeared. He’ll have some great reasons lined up, from it falling off when he was swimming to having it resized. 

30. The eyes and mouth say it all 

We’ve mentioned body language and flirting in general as signs a married man is pursuing you. The eyes and mouth deserve a special mention, though. 

Some cultures believe the eyes are the windows to our soul, telling us so much about someone’s emotions. On the other hand, studies show that the mouth is actually the most important clue to our emotions.

31. Unusual gifts from business trips

If a married man frequently brings you gifts from his business trips, especially those that seem too personal or thoughtful, it could be one of the signs he’s pursuing you. These gifts might include items that are not typical souvenirs, indicating he’s been thinking about you during his travels.

32. Mentions his dissatisfaction subtly

A married man interested in you might drop subtle hints about his dissatisfaction in his marriage. These comments may not be direct complaints but could manifest as sighs, deep contemplation, or discussions about unfulfilled desires, signaling that he’s seeking emotional connection elsewhere.

Kristen Failla mentions, “Marital dissatisfaction is the most likely reason a man might be pursuing an extramarital romantic connection. On the receiving end of this, it is important to respect the marriage, prioritize your own self-worth, and consider setting boundaries that support this.”

33. Creates opportunities for accidental touches

Beyond overt flirting, a married man pursuing you may create situations where accidental physical contact occurs. This can involve sitting close, brushing against you, or finding reasons to touch your hand or arm. These subtle touches are deliberate attempts to gauge your reaction and establish a deeper connection.

Dealing with a married man who desires you 

You might wonder, “What to do if a married man is after you?” There are two extremes: first, you ignore him and walk away, or second, you reciprocate. 

Of course, it’s exciting when a married man, or any man for that matter, takes an interest in you. Ignoring ethical judgment for a minute, the chances are you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. 

Even if he does leave his wife, there’s no guarantee he’ll end up with you. Furthermore, if he’s only flirting with you to boost his ego, he’s unlikely to become the caring, attentive partner when everything settles down. He’ll be too busy looking for more ego-boosting opportunities.

If you decide to go ahead with the affair, all that lying and sneaking around will take a toll on his emotions. Either he’ll start taking it out on you or leave you because the excitement doesn’t match the hassle anymore. 

Finally, do you want to be the “other woman,” always wondering if someone else will become his “other woman” one day? A relationship built on lies and secrecy doesn’t bode well for a long-term partnership built on values and respect.

Watch this video where Greta Bereisaite, a relationship coach, explains the do’s and don’ts of falling in love with a married man:

Summary

The signs a married man is attracted to you come in various forms. Of course, body language and eye contact are your first clues. Then, it’s how he behaves with you versus other people, including his wife. 

If you seem to be increasingly alone with him, then there are good chances you’re experiencing the signs a married man is pursuing you. He could be after you simply to boost his self-esteem and to have fun. 

A more Machiavellian reason is to exert some power over you, either to show off in front of his wife or to make her jealous. If you’re getting all this attention from your colleague, perhaps he wants to take over some project you’re working on. 

At this point, you have a choice that lies somewhere between yes and no. Be aware that you could end up hurt if you reciprocate. 

Conversely, a firm “no” with boundaries clearly communicated while cutting him off your phone will send a strong message if you have to. Social embarrassment will make him back off so you can peacefully pursue your interests.

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Anne’s passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples... Read more transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.   She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you don’t have to do it alone. Read less

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