How to Develop Secure Attachment Style in Your Relationship

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Have you wondered why some people have a sense of safety and security when it comes to relationships in their lives? They are not afraid of being cheated on because they are highly confident in their partners.

Also, they are not afraid to walk away from any relationship that disturbs their peace. They also know how to make their time worth it when they are away from people.

Such individuals have a secure attachment style because of their childhood/upbringing. Some people with this attachment style consciously rewired themselves to become more secure in their relationships. In this piece, you will learn the secure attachment examples and signs and how to develop them.

To gain more insights into the concept of attachment style, you need to read this study by Tamara Sheinbaum and other authors – Attachment style predicts effect, cognitive appraisals, and social functioning in daily life. 

What is a secure attachment style?

The secure attachment style is a person’s ability to develop safe and secure relationships with others. This attachment style is characterized by having a good view of yourself and others. As a result, their anxiety level is low, they have a good social disposition, and they can easily connect with other people.

In most cases, the secure attachment style is developed when young children have a healthy and positive relationship with at least one of their primary caregivers. This boosts their emotional and social development.

In answer to the question of what is a secure attachment style, people with this attachment style are more likely to have long, healthy, and meaningful relationships.

In Ruth Newton’s book The Attachment Connection, you can learn how children grow up to be Secure and Confident Adults. 

Related Reading: 4 Types of Attachment Styles and What They Mean

What are signs of secure attachment?

When going into a relationship, your and your partner’s attachment style is one of the things to watch out for. Knowing the traits of different attachment styles will help you navigate your relationship better. Here are some of the signs of secure attachment in adults.

1. They can keep long-term and healthy relationships

If you look at successful relationships, don’t be surprised when you see that the partners have a secure attachment style. People with this type of attachment know how to maintain different forms of relationships, including romantic ones.

When they experience difficulties in their relationships, they try to maintain a clear head and solve them. They are great at collaborating and communicating with their partner to find a solution to every problem. Therefore, they can easily tolerate their differences and keep the relationship moving in the right direction.

Related Reading: 20 Keys to a Successful Long Term Relationship?

2. They have a good self-esteem

Another way to know when someone has a secure attachment style is by checking their self-esteem. Because of their upbringing or what the environment has instilled in them, their self-esteem is always high.

You can tell that such people had individuals with a positive mindset around them. People with healthy self-esteem are aware of their strengths and their flaws.

They don’t let their weaknesses get to them because they know they can get better. So even when the odds look unfavorable, they never allow anyone to look down on their self-worth.

3. They don’t feel insecure

The feeling of security is one of the profound ways to spot the signs of secure attachment. These individuals don’t feel like someone will snatch their partner anytime.

Although they might feel jealous occasionally because it is a human trait, they don’t let their feelings turn into something else. When they have anything on their mind, they communicate with their partner because they are not used to burying their emotions and feelings.

Related Reading: 6 Key Tips to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship

4. They know how to enjoy their company

People with a secure attachment style know how to spend time alone and make the best of it. Even though they enjoy their partner’s presence, they know when to give some space and be alone. Such people might never feel lonely when they are alone. 

They have individual interests and goals and are passionate about meeting them. If such people break off a relationship, they might not be affected because of their confidence and self-worth.

Watch this video on how to enjoy your own company: 

5. They are great at communication

Communicating your needs effectively is one trait that makes individuals with a secure attachment style stand out. When they need something, they are great at communicating it to their partner.

They are optimistic that their requests will be granted because they are confident in their desires. The last thing a secure, attached person would do is be manipulative. They believe in playing fair and square, which is responsible for their high success rate in getting what they want.

Secure attachment pattern

Even though the secure attachment pattern is majorly developed during childhood, some life experiences play a pivotal role in developing attachment styles. 

This means that someone with a secure attachment relationship in childhood can become avoidant or ambivalent as an adult. Similarly, children with signs of insecure attachment can develop secure attachment patterns as adults.

Individuals with a secure attachment pattern do not give up on love. They know the importance of resolving conflicts and making things work again in a relationship. Also, they are great at communicating their feelings with their friends and patterns.

In the event of a separation from a romantic partner or a friend, they know how to utilize their alone time to be productive, even though the breakup might be painful.

How to develop Secure Attachment Style in your relationship

If you have another type of attachment apart from the Secure Attachment Style, all hope is not lost. You can change some habits in your life to help you in developing a secure attachment.

Here are some tips for developing the secure attachment style

1. Find out the root cause of your present attachment style

Before developing a secure attachment style, it is important to find out why you have this current attachment pattern. You might not be able to evolve into the secure attachment style until you dig into the past.

One of the ways to achieve this is to look into your family history. For example, do you have resentment against anyone presently? Or did anyone in your childhood make you feel less of yourself?

When you ask such salient questions, it is a step in the right direction. If one of your caregivers was responsible for your present attachment style, you could reach out to them now that you’re an adult. Sometimes, it is great to hear from someone about their past actions.

2. Pay attention to how you feel and behave in your relationships

Another way to infuse change into your attachment style is self-awareness. If you know the signs of an individual with a secure attachment pattern, you can begin by asking yourself if you meet the standards.

After assessing yourself and discovering that you are not there yet, don’t feel bad about yourself. This is the point where you make strategies on how to develop healthy attachments in relationships.

You can also look around you for people with this attachment style and stay around them. When you hang around people with your preferred habits, behaviors, and mannerisms, you are likely to follow their patterns in the long run.

3. Improve your self-esteem and confidence level

Striving to step up your self-esteem is one of the ways to develop a secure attachment style. Remember that everyone is unique, and we have some features that we love about ourselves. Therefore, you must start being aware of these features and be vocal about them if necessary.

It would help if you let the world know that you are awesome in your way. Additionally, normalize speaking positive affirmations to yourself daily. This will make you feel good about yourself till it becomes a default setting. Finally, don’t be too hard on yourself when encountering a setback. Pick the lessons, and move on.

4. Get professional help

Sometimes, it might seem overwhelming to try to adopt an attachment style you are not used to. This is where professional help could come in handy. You can reach out to a professional therapist who would help make the transition easier.

If you don’t like talking about your struggles with familiar people, a therapist is your best bet. They will help you find out why you behave the way you do and provide tips on improving. You might also be surprised to learn that your present attachment style has affected your relationship.

Adopting the secure attachment style permanently is your best bet because people with this attachment pattern are likely to have more successful and healthy relationships.

Thais Gibson’s book is a must-read for anyone who wants to strengthen their relationships with the secure attachment style. Their book is titled Attachment Theory, and it is the ideal guide to making your relationships healthier. 

The takeaway

With the information in this article, you now understand what a secure attachment style means and how to develop one if this is not your attachment pattern. 

If you need help developing a secure attachment style to have healthier and stronger relationships, you can take a course on it. Or you can see a therapist to help you pull through this transitioning phase.