How to Get Closure After a Breakup: 10 Step Guide

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A sense of failure, frustration, heartache, and unanswered questions usually comes to bear at the end of a relationship. It can be overwhelming. 

We often feel like we’ve hit rock bottom and our love life is over. Kaput! Waves of confusion can overtake us, and we might not know what to say or how to act. We may get trapped in a maze with no exit in sight. 

These descriptions might sound overly dramatic and cruel, but so is letting go of a loved one. Moving on without closure, and gaining its recuperative power, is key to getting over that hurdle. 

“Closure” is a big word you often hear from day-time psychologists and New Age gurus. Nonetheless, when heartbreak hits us like a train, it is necessary to find out how to get closure after a breakup. 

Through it, we can look for answers about why the relationship ended. We can also learn how to deal with the pain its final chapter has created. It’s the end of a relationship, not the end of your life. 

What is closure after a breakup?

Before we discuss what to do after a breakup and how to get closure, let us first talk about what closure is. What does closure mean?

When a relationship is over, we may want the whole rigmarole to disappear. Essentially, we want to nip our feelings toward someone in the bud. In short, we want to close that chapter of our life and never again re-read it. 

But for that to happen, we need an endpoint. But what exactly is closure? And is closure necessary?

Closure means ending an emotional circumstance without pain or regrets. And it implies extricating ourselves from the emotional burden and no longer allowing the relationship to have any weight on our well-being. 

By accepting that the relationship is over, you gain a measure of insight from it and that you are no longer emotionally attached to it, you can begin anew. The closure allows you to engage in healthy relationships. 

Getting closure after a breakup diminishes the heartbreak and helps to move on. Yet, getting closure can have a different meaning for many. And, more importantly, different ways of achieving it. 

Researchers have studied countless breakups to understand the dynamics of the whole predicament. Results have shown that separations are cruel, not only at an emotional level but at a physical and neurological level. They affect us in body and mind. 

So, learning how to get closure after a breakup is the best way to cope with hopelessness. It is also a good starting point for moving ahead of the breakup.

Related Reading: 12 Helpful Tips on Starting a Relationship Over

10 step guide for getting closure after a breakup

When it comes to a screeching end, you’re left in the rain without an umbrella, wondering what happened. All your friends patting you on the back say, “You just need to get some closure.” 

Sure, it seems simple, but as they say, words are cheap, and action is expensive. How to get closure after a breakup? How do you even begin? What steps after a breakup do you need to take?

Finding closure is essential to ensure a proper healing process. Here are some steps that can help you understand the meaning of closure in relationships and ways to attain it:

1. Acceptance

Accepting the end of a relationship is the first step toward closure. Letting go of an ex who doesn’t want you will help you get closure faster. You need to give yourself time and space to achieve it. 

Don’t dive into the illusion that that person will return to your arms. As long as you accept your reality, it’s easier to let go of the relationship and move on, no matter how hard it seems.

Related Reading: Developing Acceptance Skills in a Relationship

2. Maintain total distance

Should you talk to your ex?

Even if you need to contact your ex, avoid it at any cost. Your heart is still tender, and wanting to approach or talk to your ex will only make the process more painful. 

The attempt at closure conversation after breakups can end in disappointment while leaving the door open for an unhealthy reattachment with an ex. 

Both of you can be friends in the distant future, but keep your distance for now. Delete their phone contacts and unfollow their social networks.

Creeping on your ex’s social media accounts is the worst thing you can do. It would only create false stories in your head. You might even get angry by watching them or even wish you could be there. 

It’s best to duck any possible contact. So, ask yourself, “should I contact my ex for closure?” The answer is a resounding: NO!

3. Detachment

If you still keep some of your ex-lover’s belongings, get rid of them or have them delivered to them by a friend. Or, do the whole bonfire in the backyard ritual. Very primal and, if it was a messy relationship, very stimulating. 

Learning how to get closure in a relationship involves detaching yourself from the person you once loved. Rituals like burning a photograph can help you accept the end of a relationship. 

4. Stop playing the blame game

How to get closure after a breakup and start living life blissfully?

Don’t waste time looking for whom to blame. This attitude will only generate negative emotions. If the relationship didn’t work, accept it and move on.

There will be no closure from the breakup if you spend time revisiting aspects of your relationship to assign blame to your ex. Let the past go, and try to move towards a healthy future. 

5. Write down your sorrows

If you need a closure talk after a break up, don’t bottle up all your emotions. 

Remember to keep your distance. But, if you think there were things left unsaid between each other, lay them down on paper. Write down what you’d like to express to your ex, but don’t send it. 

Sometimes expressing our thoughts on a piece of paper can help out by guiding us through a critical analysis of what they mean. Seeing them in black and white can be rather clarifying. 

You see, our brains have a negative bias. We’re hardwired to be negative and are attracted to it. Even after years of separation, resentments have a way of lingering.

To learn how writing can be therapeutic, watch this video:

6. Let your suffering go through its healing period

If you need to cry, do it. Don’t suppress your feelings. Don’t judge yourself because you feel sad. 

Sooner or later, everything will pass. It’s normal. Getting closure from an ex involves going through a healing process that addresses the pain and heartbreak that one has experienced. 

7. Socialize

If you haven’t seen your friends since the breakup, you have to! Get all posh and fancy, fix yourself up, go out and have fun. Paint the town red! 

This does not mean searching for a new relationship. It just means having some fun with people that care for you. Gradually re-socialize and meet new people.

8. Focus on you

One of the main things to consider in how to get closure after a breakup is to think about yourself. Become obsessed with the powerhouse that is you.  

Focus on yourself for a while. Take on a hobby or take a new class. Spend time with your family and friends. Plan that trip that you have postponed so many times.

9. Don’t generalize and compare

We tend to compare any possible future partner with our ex. Please don’t do it. You expose yourself to thinking that every relationship may end like the previous one. 

Marital counseling tells us that every relationship is different. Start from scratch and strive to make it better than the old one.

10. Picture being over your ex

How to get closure after a breakup?

Even if it is the hardest thing to do, visualize a new life without your partner. Imagine a reality where you are no longer enslaved to your partner and his gravitational pull. 

You’re independent, and they no longer matter. Out of mind and out of sight. What would you do? What have you been missing out on? Visualize it and then make it a reality. 

When to get some closure?

Closure needs to be about moving forward healthy and about personal growth. It shouldn’t be about revenge or manipulating your ex. Or about simply checking something off your psychologist’s list of demands. 

You should get closure when you are up for forgiving yourself and acknowledging your mistakes and those of your ex. This will make the breakup process easier and help you move on. 

Finally, getting closure is also about improving as a person and future partner. You need to grow and recognize errors made on both ends. 

Each of us deals with tragedy differently. You can only seek closure when you feel you’re up to it. It’s not something anyone can force you into. 

You’ll know when to get closure because you’ll be ready to feel better. This will help you become a stronger partner in a future relationship. 

Until that happens, enjoy your Ben & Jerry and binge-watch a Netflix series; don’t sabotage yourself by trying to cross something off a list.

FAQ

What is an example of closure in a relationship?

Gaining closure is more challenging than saying one, two, three; it takes time, and, worst still, you’ll never be 100% over the relationship. 

For example, all the unanswered questions can lead to stress and insecure thoughts for someone who has been ghosted. But if they can surrender to the fact that the person does not deserve their time and attention anymore, they can attain closure.  

Wrapping up

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” – Dalai Lama.

Getting closure is an important part of ending a relationship. Grieving is the first step after any breakup. 

Take all the time necessary to process a loss. Come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over. Learn from your mistakes. Know your worth. Closure entails this all! 

Breakups are unbearable and hurtful, but you shouldn’t remain anchored to pain. Marvelous things will be waiting for you right around the corner. 

How to get closure after a breakup can be a complicated process. Getting a closure is not a solid step-by-step process, and there’s no easy guideline or quick manual to follow. But life goes on!