How to Identify & Address Contempt in Relationships

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Contempt is the single most powerful predictor of divorce. 

– Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, aptly captures the destructive force contempt can have. 

Imagine a relationship where the warmth has turned cold, and loving conversations have been replaced by eye-rolls, sarcasm, and dismissive remarks. This is how contempt in relationships begins to fester—slowly eroding respect and affection.

Have you noticed your partner’s dismissive tone? Do you find yourself feeling contempt toward them, or vice versa? How do you address it before it’s too late?

Wait! If these questions strike a chord, you’re not alone. 

Many couples struggle with recognizing and understanding this toxic emotion. 

This article will guide you on what exactly contempt feels like in relationships, how to deal with contempt and identify its early signs. 

We’ll explore how to rebuild the bridges of empathy and mutual respect, giving you tools to address and heal from it before it becomes too late. 

What does contempt mean in a relationship?

So, what is contempt in a relationship? The simplest way to explain contempt in relationships is when you interact with your significant other in a way that ridicules them. 

When one partner uses cynicism and sarcasm to ridicule and attack the other partner because they look down on them for certain reasons, it is contemptuous behavior. 

However, the ridiculing can happen in a subtle, indirect, passive-aggressive manner. 

The subtle nature of contempt is what makes it so difficult to identify and confront. Simply put, it is the opposite of being respectful and thoughtful towards your partner. 

What causes contempt in relationships?

Contempt doesn’t just happen overnight—it’s often a gradual process with deep emotional roots. 

But what causes feelings of contempt to take hold in a relationship? Often, it stems from a cycle of unmet needs, emotional neglect, and unresolved frustrations that slowly erode respect and affection.

Common examples of contemptuous behavior in relationships

To truly understand how to fix contempt in a relationship, it’s crucial to recognize the everyday signs of contemptuous behavior. Contempt often disguises itself as humor, sarcasm, or even just “being honest,” but its impact can be deeply harmful.

So, what does contempt really look like? It often manifests through a combination of verbal and non-verbal cues. Here are some common examples:

• Insulting jokes that mock or belittle your partner.
• Using hurtful terms like “loser,” “ugly,” or “fat whale” to undermine their self-worth.
• Making sweeping statements to criticize your partner’s flaws.
• Eye-rolling, sneering, or raising the upper lip to convey disgust or disdain.
• Demonstrating a lack of respect for your partner’s feelings or needs.

Imagine these scenarios as well:

• “You’re such a selfish person! All you do is eat! What happened to cooking for me, huh?”
• “Are you insane? Who drives like that?! Have you lost your mind?”
• “You know why you’re always late? Because you’re thoughtless!”

Recognizing these examples of contempt in a relationship in your day-to-day interactions is the first step towards addressing the root cause and learning how to stop contempt in a relationship.

7 huge signs of contempt in a relationship

Contempt is one of the most toxic emotions that can develop between partners but how can you tell if this destructive feeling is taking root? 

Let’s try to understand what does contempt look like and, more importantly, how to get rid of contempt before it tears your relationship apart. 

1. Frequent eye-rolling during arguments

Eye-rolling might seem harmless, but it’s often a sign of deep-seated contempt. If one partner consistently rolls their eyes when the other speaks, it’s a non-verbal way of showing disrespect and disregard for their feelings. This behavior indicates that what’s being said isn’t worthy of attention or respect.

2. Mocking a partner’s preferences or habits

Contempt can take the form of ridiculing a partner’s choices. Statements like, “Oh, you and your ridiculous obsession with that TV show!” are designed to belittle what they care about. Mocking even the smallest things creates an environment where your partner feels embarrassed and undervalued.

3. Using insulting nicknames

When pet names turn into hurtful ones, it’s a huge red flag. Referring to one’s partner as “lazy slob” or “drama queen,” especially in front of others, shows a lack of respect and is a direct attack on their self-esteem. These nicknames communicate that you see your partner as less worthy.

4. Dismissive responses to emotional needs

Do you often reply to your partner’s feelings with phrases like, “Just get over it” or “Stop being so sensitive”? This type of dismissal suggests you’re unwilling to acknowledge their emotions, leaving them feeling unheard and invalidated. Over time, this dismissive attitude breeds resentment and contempt.

5. Bringing up past mistakes to undermine them

Contempt often surfaces during conflicts when past mistakes are brought up to prove a point. For instance, “You’re doing this again, just like when you ruined our vacation last year,” is a way to attack your partner’s character. This constant reminder of errors creates a sense of hopelessness and inadequacy.

6. Interrupting with sarcastic remarks

Sarcasm can be funny, but when used during serious conversations, it becomes a tool for contempt. Imagine one partner trying to express their feelings, and the other interrupts with, “Oh, here comes the drama!” This not only invalidates the person speaking but also makes them feel foolish for opening up.

7. Publicly humiliating your partner

Contempt doesn’t just happen in private—it can also occur in social settings. Correcting a partner harshly or making a joke at their expense in front of friends can be incredibly humiliating. This public embarrassment is a clear sign of contempt, as it shows a desire to belittle rather than uplift.

Here are some  more examples and signs of contempt in relationships that you can look out for:

Can a romantic relationship recover from contemptuous behavior?

Contempt erodes trust, intimacy, and respect, turning love into resentment. Over time, this toxic behavior leaves both partners feeling disconnected and undervalued, creating an emotional distance that’s hard to bridge. 

Although contempt has such a strong negative power in marriages and romantic relationships, there is a lot of scope to correctly identify these behaviors and fix them. 

As long as you are aware of the signs of contempt and you are willing to go past them, you have the power to work with your partner and fix the issue. Letting things get out of hand can, unfortunately, break your relationship.

11 sensible ways to fix contempt in romantic relationships

Contempt can be detrimental to the relationship. Here are the most effective ways for how to stop feeling contempt in a relationship:

1. Understanding your darker side 

One of the very first steps to overcoming contempt in a relationship is to look at yourself. 

Look deep inside your behavioral tendencies if you are feeling contemptuous. It takes a lot of courage to truly look within yourself and understand how and why you behave in a certain way.

Some people are more prone to behaving contemptuously, such as those people who others often call “mean.” Other types of people include those who are quite haughty, frequently use sarcastic wit, and are passive-aggressive.

2. Direct communication as a replacement for contempt

As mentioned earlier, if you are being contemptuous towards your beloved, you are using cynicism and sarcasm indirectly to subtly ridicule your partner. Therefore, it is not a direct form of communication.

When it comes to fixing contempt in a relationship, working on your communication with your partner is pivotal.

Any healthy relationship is built on a foundation of direct and open communication. So, it’s actually better to express your criticism directly instead of confusing your partner.

3. Change your feelings by looking for positives

Now, this suggestion is easier said than done. This point basically says that you have to work on your negative feelings and replace them with positive feelings for your partner.

Having an optimistic outlook can help you in your endeavor to change your feelings and, in turn, save your bond with your significant other.

 One of the most common causes of contempt is a negative outlook towards your lover. Therefore, through therapy, you can try to work on your feelings and, in turn, modify your outlook, so you see your partner in a positive light.

4. Revisit your past

This is one of the easiest ways to fix contempt in a relationship. 

Take a walk down memory lane and focus on all those fond memories you’ve shared with your partner. 

It can be the first time you met your partner, a funny conversation you had, a special night of love and intimacy with your beloved, your honeymoon, an adventurous date night, and so on. 

5. Cultivating a culture of appreciation

This point talks about the work you have to put in for healing contempt in relationships regularly. Overcoming negative feelings is not something that can happen overnight. 

Having a positive outlook and mindset is not enough. It has to be supplemented by creating rituals with your partner wherein you appreciate the bond you share with your beloved and celebrate your relatives. 

This can take many forms, such as planning weekly date nights, taking a bath together, taking a day out of the month to go to a spa, watching movies together, catching up every evening after work, planning regular vacations together, and so on. 

These good habits can open your eyes to the wonderful person that is your beloved and why you chose to be with her. It will show you the beauty of commitment.  

6. Complain, but don’t criticize

How you say what you wish to say has a big impact on how your partner receives and acts on that information. It also affects how your partner will feel when they listen to you.  

So, instead of indirectly criticizing, finding a healthy way to present your grievances to your partner is very important.

7. Empathy is key

It might happen that a lot of the time, you criticize your partner without even understanding the reason behind why your partner did what they did.

Therefore, it’s important to be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about how and what you would’ve done. This is called empathy. 

8. Identify the causes for contemptuous feelings 

Contemptuous feelings and behavior don’t just manifest out of thin air. There are a lot of causes for behaving in such a manner. 

You have to do some soul-searching and look within yourself. Find out the reasons why you feel and behave the way that you do. 

Is it because you have this unfulfilled need for power, or are you feeling disrespected? Are you feeling disappointed? Identify the causes. 

9. Listening is important

Criticizing without even giving your partner the chance to speak can in itself be bad for your relationship. A big part of communicating directly involves listening to your partner. 

If you want to be heard, you need to listen to your partner too. 

10. Balancing your expectations 

This is another point that requires you to introspect. If you feel like you’re being disappointed or disrespected, is it actually because you have very high expectations or unrealistic expectations from your relationship?

If you want to save your relationship and value your partner, you have to balance your expectations from your significant other and the relationship.

11. Take responsibility for your actions

To truly overcome contempt, both partners must take responsibility for their actions and the hurt they’ve caused. This involves acknowledging moments when you’ve behaved with contempt and apologizing sincerely. 

It’s about owning up to your mistakes without making excuses. When both partners are willing to take responsibility, it creates a foundation of mutual respect. 

Remember, shifting blame only fuels contempt, while genuine accountability can help break the cycle and foster a healthier connection.

Your journey beyond contempt

Overcoming contempt in a relationship is far from easy—it’s a journey of patience, empathy, and growth. But the effort you put into healing is worth every bit. Imagine the love that emerges when two people decide to truly see, hear, and respect each other again. 

Letting go of contempt is not just about fixing what’s broken; it’s about building something even stronger, something filled with compassion and understanding. 

So, take a deep breath and lean into the process. Focus on the love that brought you together in the first place, and choose to fight for that love. It’s a choice that may require vulnerability, but it’s a choice that leads to genuine connection and a renewed bond.