Controlling Husband: Signs, Impact & How to Deal With One

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Research shows that controlling behavior in relationships is a significant predictor of domestic abuse, with a PMC article reporting that emotional control can be as damaging as physical violence. 

Imagine feeling constantly monitored, criticized, and isolated by the person who is supposed to be your partner. The subtlety of a controlling husband’s actions can make it difficult to identify and even harder to confront.

Do you often find yourself questioning if “My husband is controlling?” Are you feeling increasingly isolated from friends and family, or constantly walking on eggshells to avoid conflict? 

If you’re nodding in agreement, you’re not alone. 

Many women struggle with the realization and acceptance that their partner’s behavior is controlling and harmful.

In this article, we will discuss telltale signs of a controlling husband, delve into the profound impact such behavior can have on your mental and emotional well-being, and provide practical ways to address and deal with this toxic dynamic. 

What is a controlling husband?

A controlling husband exerts excessive power over his partner’s life, often under the guise of care or concern. 

This control can manifest in various ways, such as dictating what you wear, who you can see, or constantly checking your phone and social media. 

For instance, he might insist on knowing your whereabouts at all times or criticize your choices to undermine your confidence. If you find yourself thinking, “Is my husband controlling?” these behaviors are red flags. 

A controlling husband creates an environment of fear and dependence, making it difficult for you to feel autonomous and respected in your relationship.

17 signs of a controlling husband

You may be wondering if your partner is truly controlling or if you’re overthinking things. It’s important to recognize the signs of a controlling husband to understand your situation better. Here are 17 telltale signs that your husband may be controlling:

1. He nitpicks and finds problems in everything you do, making you feel like you can never do anything right. This constant criticism can erode your confidence and self-worth over time.
2. He manipulates you to get what he wants, often using subtle tactics that make you question your own decisions. This manipulation can make you feel powerless and confused about your own desires.
3. He criticizes your every move, dictating how you eat, dress, and act. This relentless criticism makes you feel like you have to change who you are to please him, losing your sense of identity in the process.
4. He makes you feel guilty for not indulging his every whim, using guilt as a tool to control your actions and decisions. This guilt-tripping can make you feel responsible for his happiness at the expense of your own.
5. He gaslights you, making you question your thoughts and actions. By distorting the truth and denying your reality, he makes you doubt your own sanity and judgment.
6. He makes you feel bad about having a life outside your marriage, discouraging you from pursuing your interests or spending time with others. This isolation can leave you feeling lonely and dependent on him for companionship.
7. He tries to isolate you from friends and family, wanting you all to himself. This jealousy can sever your support network, making it harder for you to seek help or perspective from others.
8. He excessively monitors your finances, stripping you of financial independence. By controlling the money, he ensures you are economically dependent on him, limiting your freedom and options.
9. He uses demands and threats to get his way, resorting to emotional blackmail. This coercion can make you feel trapped and afraid to assert your own needs or boundaries.
10. He dismisses your opinions and excludes you from major decisions, showing a lack of respect for your perspective. This exclusion can make you feel insignificant and voiceless in your own life.
11. He only shows love when you comply with his demands, offering affection with strings attached. This conditional love makes you feel like you have to earn his approval and affection, which is both exhausting and demeaning.
12. He refuses to listen to your perspective, dismissing your feelings and thoughts without consideration. This dismissiveness can make you feel unheard and unimportant in the relationship.
13. He slowly erodes your self-esteem, making you feel dependent on him. By undermining your confidence, he ensures you believe you cannot manage without him, fostering a sense of helplessness.
14. He is suspicious of you and doesn’t trust you, often accusing you of dishonesty or infidelity without cause. This constant suspicion can create a tense and paranoid atmosphere in your relationship.
15. He tracks your whereabouts, messages, and phone calls without your consent, invading your privacy. This monitoring makes you feel constantly watched and controlled, stripping you of your personal freedom.
16. He uses belittling language and engages in name-calling, aiming to hurt and demean you. These verbal attacks can inflict deep emotional wounds, making you feel worthless and unlovable.
17. He demands to know your every move and becomes jealous when you give attention to others. This overbearing control can make you feel suffocated and anxious, constantly trying to avoid his jealousy and possessiveness.

How having a controlling husband impacts you: 9 ways

Here are the top 9 ways having a controlling spouse affects you on a regular basis. 

Understanding the characteristics of a controlling husband and recognizing these impacts can be the first step toward addressing the situation. 

• Emotional distress: Imagine feeling like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing when your husband will get upset. This constant stress can make you feel anxious, sad, and even hopeless. It’s like carrying a heavy emotional burden every day, draining your emotional energy and affecting your overall well-being.
• Isolation: Think about how important your friends and family are in your life. A controlling husband might try to keep you away from them, leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected. This isolation can make you feel like you have no support system, increasing feelings of loneliness and despair.
• Limited independence: Picture having dreams and goals but feeling like you can’t pursue them because your husband always makes decisions for you. This can make you feel stuck and unable to be your true self, preventing you from achieving your full potential and leading to a sense of unfulfillment.
• Self-doubt: Imagine being criticized and put down by your husband regularly. Over time, you might start doubting your abilities and second-guessing everything you do. It’s like a constant voice telling you that you’re not good enough, eroding your self-confidence and self-worth.
• Financial dependence: Think about how it feels to rely on someone else for money. A controlling husband might control the finances, leaving you without access to funds. This can make you feel trapped and powerless, unable to make independent financial decisions or escape the relationship if needed.
• Physical health: Stress can take a toll on your body, leading to headaches, trouble sleeping, and even making you more susceptible to illnesses. It’s like your body’s way of saying it’s overwhelmed, and chronic stress can lead to serious health issues over time.
• Loss of identity: Imagine losing touch with who you are because your husband’s control has shaped your thoughts and actions. It’s like losing your own voice and becoming someone you don’t recognize. This loss of identity can lead to depression and a diminished sense of self.
• Fear and anxiety: How to live with a controlling husband often means living in fear of his reactions. The unpredictability of his anger or disappointment can make you constantly anxious, afraid to express your true feelings or make independent decisions.
• Erosion of trust: A controlling husband may constantly question your loyalty and honesty, leading to a breakdown of trust in the relationship. This lack of trust can create a toxic environment, where you feel like you’re always under scrutiny and cannot freely communicate.

15 practical ways to deal with a controlling husband

How to deal with a controlling husband without making the situation worse?

Being married to a controlling husband can be very trying. The constant criticisms, spying, and gaslighting take a toll on your mental health. 

So, if you’re wondering how to handle a controlling husband, read these 15 steps.

1. Keep your cool

It’s hard not to argue. He tends to get on your nerves, and you don’t want to bow to his unreasonable wishes. You don’t have to. 

Try to stay calm and patient when dealing with him. Instead of getting in his face, ask him gently if he has considered your perspective. 

Dominant husbands are unlikely to respond well if you treat them the way they treat you. Be the bigger person here.

2. Figure out the causes behind his controlling behavior

It’s important to know what makes a person controlling in the first place. 

Did your husband lose a loved one in an accident? How was his childhood? Was it traumatic? Were his parents controlling? Does he have an anxiety disorder that makes him want to control you? 

Figuring out what’s causing him to behave this way is the stepping stone to dealing with a controlling husband. With love and empathy, you might be able to get him to stop being so controlling.

3. Openly communicate with him

Once you identify the problem, you can understand where he is coming from. Then try to talk to him about how his behavior is damaging your marriage. 

He might totally blow you off and get angry. Most controllers aren’t even aware of their controlling nature. Telling him, ‘You’re dominating your wife, and you should stop right away,’ won’t work. You need to be respectful and gently remind him of the times he came off as controlling. 

Tell him how you’d like him to behave instead. He won’t magically transform overnight, but talking openly is a good starting point.

4. Take charge of your life

It’s easy to lose yourself when your husband constantly criticizes your every move. 

Take control of your own life. Do you want to quit your job and go back to school? Do it. Want to learn something new, but he wouldn’t allow you? Go for it, anyway. 

Don’t let your passion die just because your husband controls your life.

5. Stay close to your friends and family

Go visit your mom or a close friend, even if it sends your husband into a frenzy. You shouldn’t let him isolate you from the people who have always been there for you. 

Surround yourself with positive people. Explain why you need to see your girlfriends every once in a while. Make plans with them, and don’t let your husband stop you from showing up at your friend’s party.

6. Don’t hesitate to ask for help

Does he seem abusive to you? Abuse doesn’t necessarily have to be physical. It can be verbal, mental, and psychological as well. Make it clear to him that you won’t tolerate any kind of abuse. If he doesn’t listen and keeps getting violent, let your friends and family know about it. 

Even if your over-controlling husband promises not to be abusive or violent again, keep an eye out and don’t let him walk all over you.

7. Set boundaries that stick

First, try to talk to him calmly and explain the things you won’t take anymore. Withholding affection or leaving frequently won’t change anything if he doesn’t want to correct his behavior.

 If he ignores you, still set the boundaries and give him consequences to show how serious you are. 

In the video below, dating and relationship coach Renee Slansky discusses why boundaries in a relationship are important and shares tips for setting healthy boundaries. Check it out:

8. Stop giving him power over you

It might not be easy, but try to take control of your life and relationship. If you’re financially dependent on him, get a job. Don’t let him destroy your self-worth. Take care of your mental and physical health. 

Whenever he tries to make you feel small, stand up for yourself. If he doesn’t recognize and correct his controlling nature, be brave enough to give him an ultimatum. Don’t be scared to follow through if push comes to shove.

9. Give couples therapy a try

What if your husband doesn’t bother correcting his controlling behavior even after your consistent efforts? It’s time to involve a professional. It doesn’t matter how he feels about therapy; try to make him understand how seeking professional help can improve your relationship. 

Through couples therapy, both of you can feel heard and sort out the issues with the help of a licensed therapist.

10. Be brave enough to leave

There’s nothing wrong with going out of your way to stay with such a husband. It doesn’t make you look weak. Rather, it shows how strongly you uphold your vows. 

However, some people simply can’t and won’t change. If, after trying your best to deal, he still can’t see any issues with his actions, walking away from this unhealthy marriage might be your only choice. 

It doesn’t mean you failed your marriage. You’re just choosing your physical and mental well-being over an unhealthy relationship.

11. Try self-reflection

Self-reflection is like taking a moment to have a conversation with yourself in your mind. Think about your feelings and what’s happening in your relationship. 

It helps you understand how you truly feel and what’s important to you. This practice can give you clarity and help you make decisions that align with your values and needs.

12. Seek legal consultation

Legal consultation is like seeking advice from a professional who knows the rules and laws. When you talk to a lawyer or attorney, they can explain what you can do to protect yourself and your rights if you’re facing serious problems in your relationship. 

This step is crucial if you feel threatened or if your husband’s behavior escalates to abuse.

13. Achieve financial independence

Financial independence means being able to handle your own money and not depending on someone else, like your spouse, for everything. It’s about having control over your finances so you can make choices that are best for you. 

Start by saving money, finding a job, or improving your skills to secure a stable income. This independence can give you the confidence to make decisions that are best for you.

14. Educate yourself

Knowledge is power. Educate yourself about the characteristics of a controlling husband and the dynamics of controlling relationships. 

Understanding the patterns and behaviors can help you recognize what’s happening and empower you to take action. 

Read books, attend workshops, and join support groups to learn more and connect with others who understand your situation.

15. Prioritize your mental health

Your mental health is paramount. Engage in activities that nurture your mind and soul. Practice mindfulness, meditation, or yoga to reduce stress. Seek therapy for yourself to process your emotions and build resilience. 

Taking care of your mental health will give you the strength to deal with your controlling husband and make decisions that are right for you.

How to get out of a controlling relationship

Getting out of a controlling relationship can feel overwhelming, but it’s crucial for your well-being. 

Start by reaching out to trusted friends or family members for support. Create a safety plan, including a place to stay and financial independence. Seek professional help from therapists or legal advisors who can guide you through this process. 

Ready to take the next step? Check out our detailed guide on safely exiting a controlling relationship and reclaiming your independence. You’re not alone in this journey.

Find your freedom

Taking the steps to address and confront a controlling relationship is an intense act of courage and self-respect. It’s about reclaiming your power, your voice, and your happiness. 

Picture a future where you make decisions based on your dreams and desires, free from the constraints of control and manipulation. Reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a relationship. 

It’s time to prioritize your well-being and take actionable steps toward a healthier, more fulfilling life. Reach out, seek support, and don’t hesitate to take bold actions. Your journey towards freedom and empowerment begins now. Are you ready to embrace it?