How to Talk to Your Partner About Polyamory: 11 Helpful Tips

Listen to this article

So you want to ask your partner if they’d be willing to be in a polyamorous relationship, but you don’t know how?

Don’t you hate it when you’re in a monogamous relationship, then things start to get a little boring, with both of you feeling like you’re in a box that can only be opened by one person?

Sometimes, the spark dies off, and to think that your mind, body, and soul should forever belong to one person is difficult for some people. Others would relate the feelings that come with such boundaries as confusing. Absurd, even!

But if you’ve been in a romantic relationship with several partners before, you know what we’re talking about.

If you’ve never been in one, and are toying with the idea of a polyamorous lifestyle, read on. Don’t worry if you don’t know what it is like to be in a polyamorous relationship.

Rest assured that we’ll try our best to give you great relationship advice. Let’s delve into the details of asking the big question, “How to talk to your partner about polyamory?”

What is a polyamorous relationship?

A polyamorous relationship is a form of consensual, non-monogamous relationship where individuals have multiple romantic and emotional partners simultaneously. It challenges traditional notions of exclusivity and allows for open communication, trust, and honesty among all involved. 

In such relationships, people can maintain multiple loving connections, but it requires understanding and respect for each partner’s needs and boundaries. 

Polyamory meaning in relationships is distinct from infidelity, as it emphasizes openness and ethical behavior, with all participants aware and accepting of the multiple connections within the group.

What are the different types of polyamorous relationships?

Polyamorous relationships encompass various configurations, including triads (three individuals involved), quads (four individuals involved), and more extensive networks. 

Hierarchical polyamory involves primary and secondary partners, while non-hierarchical polyamory treats all partners equally. There are also open, polyamorous relationships, where partners can have outside relationships, and closed polyamory, where all partners are exclusive within the group. 

Additionally, solo polyamory involves individuals who prefer autonomy and don’t seek primary partnerships. Each type offers unique dynamics, but all involve consensual and ethical non-monogamous connections.

If you want to learn more about the different types of polyamorous relationships, click here. 

How to talk to your partner about polyamory: 11 tips 

Bringing up the subject of polyamory in front of your partner can be daunting, but this might be something that you have to talk about with them so that your relationship moves in a direction that you are comfortable with.

According to Psychologist Mert Şeker:

Broaching the subject of polygamy with your partner is always an emotional issue, and open communication on this issue is essential. 

It is important to address this issue within the framework of mutual trust and respect. You should explain how you feel about this to your partner by sharing your feelings sincerely.

Here are some tips that you can utilize when exploring how to talk to your partner about polyamory: 

1. Timing and setting

The timing and setting of the conversation play a crucial role in how well it will be received. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and have enough time to talk without interruptions. 

Avoid discussing sensitive topics during moments of stress or when either of you is preoccupied with other responsibilities. A calm and private setting creates a safe space for open and honest communication.

2. Tell your partner how much you value them

When you first ask your partner if they’d be willing to be in a polyamorous marriage with you, things could get a bit icy if you don’t approach the subject with the right tone.

However, if you’ve always been on the same page about most issues, they’ll understand your need for this type of relationship.

But before you even broach the subject of polyamory with your partner, explain how important they are to you and how much you value your relationship with them.

Remember that this isn’t a means of blackmailing them into polyamory but rather a way for you to cement their position in your life.

Be respectful. A partner could view your need for an open relationship as a deficiency on their part.

3. Ask exploratory questions first

Before you get into the gist of asking for this kind of relationship, ask your partner if they’d consider talking about it.

As Psychologist Mert Şeker explains:

Asking exploratory questions before discussing polygamy with your partner is important to understand the basic dynamics of your relationship, determine your expectations, and develop a common understanding.

These questions can be used to understand the emotional and physical boundaries of both parties, to reinforce trust in the relationship, and to maintain mutual respect.

Try talking about what is a polyamorous relationship. If your partner is uncomfortable, it won’t take too long for you to fathom.

4. Speak for yourself and avoid negative assumptions

When you bring up the subject of having an open relationship, ensure that you speak clearly about your feelings and not how the other person is affecting your life.

It might help you get some polyamory advice from a counselor or someone you trust before speaking to your partner.

How to tell your partner you’re polyamorous?

Even if you feel stifled, don’t say how you think this relationship would release you from your partner’s clutch. Instead, speak about how more freedom is essential to you.

5. Understand your need for a polyamorous relationship

If you have existing issues in your marriage, being in such a relationship won’t fix them. They could even pull you further from your partner.

Read some polyamorous relationship stories of real-life couples and determine how it affected them before you jump into one.

You could lose your partner in an open, polyamorous relationship if you both aren’t speaking the same language. Search yourself and think about why you’d prefer to be a polyamory couple.

If you can’t stand each other anymore, you’re better off going separate ways than being at the center of polyamory.

If you feel that your relationship is strong and an open relationship would only strengthen the union, go ahead and check out the best online dating sites. You could find a partner willing to be a part of your polyamory.

6. Continue to invest in your relationship

If your partner is all in and has given the green light for an open relationship, it doesn’t mean that you should throw all caution to the wind and stop working on your main union.

How to talk to your partner about polyamory?

Ensure that your communication skills are up to par. Also, ensure that you and your partner develop the parameters of every relationship you’re involved in together.

Remember, polyamory should be a point to strengthen your union, not destroy it. As you continue to explore together, list down the polyamorous relationship benefits you seek to reap.

Seek out a counselor who will give you hardcore polyamory facts so that you’re both armed and ready.

7. Have a clear picture of what you want

Being in polyamory can, at times, be overwhelming if it isn’t well thought out. You and your partner must be on the same team when it comes to how you’ll each conduct yourselves in the relationship.

Are you seeking an open relationship to flirt, or do you mean to have sex with multiple individuals?

There aren’t any set polyamorous relationship rules, and as long as your partner wants the same thing, you’re good to go.

8. Educate and share resources

If your partner is unfamiliar with polyamory or has misconceptions about it, providing educational materials or recommending books on the topic can be helpful. This allows them to gain insights into what polyamory entails and its principles. 

Remember to emphasize that sharing this information is not about persuading them to agree but about fostering mutual understanding.

9. Allow your partner some space

In many cases, you’ll find that there’s one partner who wants to explore polyamory while the other one isn’t as willing.

The thought of seeking out open relationship tips is intriguing. But, most people are afraid of getting out there to actively seek out people they could be in a polyamorous relationship with.

Psychologist Mert Şeker shares his thoughts:

Talking about polygamy with your partner can be a difficult or painful process. It is necessary to pay attention before, during, and after talking about this issue with your spouse.

You need to give your partner space to think and prepare himself emotionally. This is something you can pay attention to or do after talking to your partner about polygamy.

Here’s the thing. If you’re the one who brought up the subject of wanting polyamory, encourage your partner to try it out first. This will eventually throw out the fear that you’re seeking out an open relationship because of their faults, and you could build trust eventually.

How to bring up polyamory with your partner?

Be generous with your partner. Let them figure out for themselves how far they would be willing to go for an open relationship, as it will help them move forward with the decision.

10. Take things slow

Don’t take things too fast for your partner.

Polyamory is a chance for both of you to explore one aspect of each other slowly. If you go too fast, you could lose yourself or your partner.

Explore one aspect of polyamory at a time and give your partner some time to discover.

Discuss together if you need to let go of some practices and whether you should incorporate different methods for your open relationship to work.

11. Respect boundaries

When introducing the idea of polyamory, be prepared for various reactions from your partner. They might feel surprised, confused, or even upset initially. It’s crucial to respect their feelings and give them the space and time they need to process the information. 

Avoid pressuring or coercing them into accepting the idea. Instead, assure them that you’re open to discussing their concerns and that you value their boundaries in the process. Patience and empathy are essential during this stage.

Watch this video to learn more about the signs that you struggle with healthy boundaries:

FAQs

Here are the answers to some pressing questions that can help you bring up the subject of polyamory in front of your spouse: 

• Are polyamorous relationships illegal?

Polyamorous relationships, where multiple consenting adults have emotional and romantic connections, are generally not illegal. However, legal recognition and protection might vary depending on the jurisdiction. 

In some places, certain aspects like marriage or legal recognition of multiple partners may not be allowed. It’s crucial to understand the local laws and ensure that the relationships comply with them. Open communication and consent among all partners are essential to maintaining ethical and lawful polyamorous relationships.

• Is polyamory a sexual orientation?

Polyamory is not considered a sexual orientation like heterosexuality or homosexuality. Instead, it is a relationship orientation that involves consensual and ethical non-monogamous connections with multiple partners. 

Sexual orientation refers to a person’s romantic or sexual attraction to specific genders, whereas polyamory pertains to the structure and dynamics of relationships. People of any sexual orientation can practice polyamory if they choose to have multiple loving relationships.

• Is polyamory cheating?

Polyamory, when practiced ethically, involves open and honest communication with all partners about having multiple relationships. Cheating, on the other hand, refers to breaking the rules or agreements within a monogamous relationship, usually involving secrecy and betrayal. 

Polyamory is not synonymous with cheating. In polyamorous relationships, all partners are aware of and consent to having multiple partners, thus distinguishing it from infidelity.

• How can we ensure open communication in a polyamorous relationship?

Open communication is the foundation of successful polyamorous relationships. Honesty, active listening, and emotional vulnerability are vital. Schedule regular check-ins to discuss feelings, boundaries, and any challenges that may arise. 

Use “I” statements to express emotions without blaming others. Be receptive to feedback and willing to address concerns. Establish clear boundaries and consent practices to ensure everyone’s needs are met and respected. Cultivate a culture of trust and transparency, where partners feel safe sharing their feelings and desires openly.

• What if my partner is not interested in or uncomfortable with a polyamorous relationship?

If your partner is not interested in polyamory or feels uncomfortable with the idea, it’s crucial to respect their feelings and choices. Pressuring or coercing them into accepting polyamory is not ethical and can harm your relationship. Engage in open, compassionate communication and actively listen to their concerns. 

Be honest about your desires but also be prepared to understand and accept their boundaries. If a compromise cannot be reached, it might be necessary to reevaluate the compatibility of your relationship and make decisions based on mutual respect and consent.

Final thoughts

Polyamorous relationships have been there for decades, and they still work for hundreds of couples out there.

If you’re going to make polyamory work, think about its potential benefits.

Also, you must know that many states are now recognizing polyamory. You can choose to seek professional legal advice to know about the rules and regulations in your state regarding polyamory.