Parenting Marriage: A Viable Alternative to Divorce

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In a world where divorce rates are soaring, many couples are searching for alternatives to maintain their family unit while addressing their own needs. Enter parenting marriage – a unique and innovative approach that challenges the traditional notions of separation. 

This unconventional arrangement aims to prioritize co-parenting and shared responsibilities while acknowledging the changing dynamics of modern relationships.

The now popular term ‘Parenting Marriage’ was first coined in 2007 by Susan Pease Gadoua, a licensed therapist based out of San Francisco. Susan has been helping couples reconnect or disconnect in a healthy way since 2000.

“If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “If it weren’t for the kids, I’d leave,” you may already be doing it” suggests Susan.

One of the first things that a married couple will be mindful of when considering divorce is the effect of the divorce on the children and the impact upon your life if you have to be either a single parent or can’t bear the thought of not seeing your children every day.  

A parenting marriage could be the perfect solution to these problems pertaining to marriage and parenting. So if you have children, before you divorce, why not try a parenting marriage?

What is a parenting marriage?

Parenting marriage is a contemporary concept that focuses on co-parenting while allowing couples to live separate lives romantically. Unlike traditional marriages, it recognizes that individuals can prioritize their parenting responsibilities without sacrificing their personal happiness. 

According to a study by Dr. Amy Desai, couples in parenting marriages often maintain strong communication and shared decision-making for the well-being of their children, while simultaneously pursuing their own individual goals and interests. 

It offers a unique middle ground for couples seeking a harmonious co-parenting arrangement. It tries to put an end to many of the married couples parenting issues.

The rise of parenting marriages 

In recent years, parenting marriages have been gaining momentum as an alternative to conventional relationships that are full of married couples parenting challenges. 

With changing societal norms and a greater emphasis on individual fulfillment, couples are exploring new ways to navigate their roles as parents. 

This rise can be attributed to the recognition that a successful co-parenting dynamic can exist outside the confines of a romantic partnership. By prioritizing their children’s well-being and maintaining open communication, couples are embracing the idea that parenting together can transcend traditional relationship boundaries.

The need for parenting marriage also arises due to the possible adverse effects of divorce on a couple’s children. As per a research finding, people whose parents divorced during their childhood are less likely to get married and more likely to get divorced themselves.

How do parenting marriages work?

There are no parenting marriage rules to abide by. Parenting marriages function by redefining the boundaries of a conventional romantic relationship. Couples in these arrangements prioritize co-parenting while maintaining separate lives. They focus on effective communication, shared decision-making, and setting clear expectations for parenting responsibilities. 

For instance, they may choose to live in separate households, have individual dating lives, or pursue personal goals independently. The key is to create a supportive and cooperative environment where children’s needs are met, and parents find fulfillment both as individuals and as co-parents.

It also makes the concept of dating in a parenting marriage feasible.

Pros and cons of parenting marriages

Parenting marriages, an alternative approach to conventional relationships, have both advantages and disadvantages. Let’s explore 5 pros and 5 cons of this arrangement to better understand its potential benefits and challenges.

Pros:

• Co-parenting focus: Parenting marriages prioritize effective co-parenting, ensuring children’s well-being remains a central focus. This is one of the most important married couple parenting rewards coming out of this arrangement.

• Shared responsibilities: Couples share the responsibilities of raising children, reducing the burden on a single parent.

• Stability for children: By maintaining a stable family unit, parenting marriages offer a sense of security and continuity for children.

• Individual fulfillment: Partners have the opportunity to pursue personal goals and interests while maintaining a strong co-parenting bond.
• Strong communication: Effective communication is crucial in parenting marriages, fostering a healthy environment for resolving conflicts and making decisions.

Cons:

• Lack of romantic connection: Parenting marriages may lack the emotional intimacy and romantic connection found in traditional marriages. This is one of the biggest disadvantages of co-parenting within parenting marriages.
• Social stigma: Society’s perception of unconventional relationships may subject couples in parenting marriages to judgment or scrutiny.
• Potential complexity: Balancing co-parenting responsibilities alongside personal lives can introduce complexities and challenges.
• Emotional strain: The absence of a romantic relationship may lead to emotional needs being unmet for one or both partners.
• Uncertain long-term outcome: The long-term sustainability and success of parenting marriages can be uncertain, raising questions about the future dynamics of the relationship.

How do you have a successful parenting marriage?

Having a successful parenting marriage requires a foundation built on effective communication, mutual respect, and shared goals. 

Here are a few key principles to consider. 

First, prioritize open and honest communication. Regularly discuss expectations, concerns, and decisions regarding parenting and personal lives. This ensures both partners feel heard and can work together as a team. 

Second, establish clear boundaries and roles. Define each person’s responsibilities regarding childcare, household tasks, and personal space to avoid conflicts. Flexibility is crucial, as circumstances may change over time. 

Finally, nurture the co-parenting relationship. Find ways to show appreciation, offer support, and celebrate achievements as co-parents. This strengthens the bond and creates a positive environment for both parents and children. 

Remember, a successful parenting marriage requires ongoing effort, understanding, and a shared commitment to the well-being of your children.

Dr. Jennifer Schulz, PhD in Psychology, says

A parenting marriage is all about setting your own emotions aside for the good of the children. You may have some lingering negative feelings about your children’s other parent, but it’s important to simply focus on parenting in a healthy, effective way rather than focusing on conflict.

Watch this insightful video on parenting styles:

Some common questions

Parents facing the dilemma of whether to stay in an unhappy marriage or divorce often grapple with the potential impact on their children’s well-being. Let’s explore some common questions surrounding this topic.

• Is it better to divorce or stay unhappily married for the sake of children?

While every situation is unique, research suggests that a high-conflict, unhappy marriage can have negative effects on children. In some cases, divorce can provide a healthier environment for both parents and children to thrive, promoting their overall well-being.

For those choosing to stay together despite differences, parenting marriage can make co-parenting and living together an acceptable alternative.

• Is it better to stay in an unhappy marriage or divorce?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on the specific circumstances. However, staying in a consistently unhappy marriage can potentially lead to emotional distress, resentment, and an unhealthy family dynamic. Exploring options like therapy or counseling can help make an informed decision.

Dr. Schulz adds,

Historically, divorce was frowned upon, and the key message was that parents should stay together at all costs for the sake of the kids. As we’ve learned more, we’ve realized that there isn’t an answer that fits every family, and sometimes, children do better when parents end an unhappy marriage and focus on co-parenting for the children’s sake.

• What kind of effect does staying in a seriously unhappy marriage cause?

Staying in a seriously unhappy marriage can impact mental and emotional well-being. It may lead to increased stress, anxiety, depression, and strained relationships within the family. Children can also observe and internalize negative relationship dynamics, affecting their own views on love and marriage.

Make an informed decision

In the complex realm of parenting marriages and the decision to stay or divorce, there is no universally-acceptable solution. 

What matters most is prioritizing the well-being of both parents and children. Whether it’s finding ways to strengthen a co-parenting bond or making the difficult choice to part ways, the goal remains the same: creating a supportive and nurturing environment for the next generation. 

Remember, each family’s journey is unique, and embracing empathy, understanding, and open communication can pave the way for a brighter future for all involved.