17 Common Things a Step-Parent Should Never Do

A step-parent comes into a child’s life initially as someone desiring to grow into a caring adult figure for the child. Some attempt to push their way into a step-parenting role that the kids aren’t ready for, and others act more in a friend capacity. 

The bond will likely need some time to develop and do so naturally and gradually. Kids are intuitive in realizing when someone is inauthentic or disingenuous with them. 

It is possible to establish a close connection with stepchildren, albeit you’ll need to understand that it won’t be quite the same as the bond with their birth parents, and that’s okay. 

Also, there are a few things a step-parent should never do in order to maintain a harmonious and genuine relationship with their children. Let’s read more about them.

What is step-parenting?

Step-parenting is like being a parent, and yet there is no sort of clear-cut authority to discipline or directives to determine that authority for sure, or for that matter, you don’t have any rights. 

Despite the feelings you might develop for the child, it ultimately comes down to the fact that they don’t technically belong to you. You need to be aware of the things a step-parent should never do and be careful about step-parenting issues.

There is no step-parenting guide to show you how to avoid offending the child’s other parent or ensure that you don’t overstep your boundaries. Instead, keep all relationships positive to serve as a good role model. 

You will need to understand all the things a step-parent should never do and keep your behavior in check.

Women specifically can learn their roles better as stepmoms in the insightful podcast “Essential Stepmoms,” which teaches boundaries and basic techniques that can guide your step-parenting choices.

7 things a step-parent should never do

Parenting comes with challenges, but parenting stepchildren brings another set of struggles. When you walk into an already established family and attempt to blend in with pushback from the children who are also trying to adapt, it’s tough to figure out how to do everything right. 

While the path needs to be slow and gradual, there will be roadblocks, resistance from kids, step-parent rights, and wrongs. Step-parents overstepping boundaries won’t be well received. 

Step-parents’ responsibilities are to follow the rules of step-parenting, which include things a step-parent should never do to stir up problems in the family.

1. Never speak ill of the ex-spouse

Out of all the things a step-parent should never do, you should never badmouth the biological parent.

Any feelings, opinions, or emotions you have towards the other parent need to remain mute as far as the child is concerned. The kid needs to know they are free to love both parents without fear of judgment or repercussions. 

Genuinely, it’s not your place to become involved in interactions between the exes.

2. Discipline is up to the “parents”

It is understandable that a parent’s job is to teach discipline to their children, but this is one of the things a step-parent should never do forcibly.

While the term “parent” is somewhat out of place in the role of step-parent, since parenting is up to the child’s parents, it is still up to you to set the rules for your specific household. 

The idea is to be positive in your approach to encourage the ideal relationship with the child, working together with your spouse to enforce the house rules.

3. Don’t act in the role of a “replacement”

Learning how to be a good step-parent involves respecting the ex-spouse and not acting as a replacement. 

You want to approach step-parenting in the right way so everyone feels secure and in no way threatened by the change. That means maintaining a step-parent’s role as a mentor, support system, and caring person to talk to.

4. Avoid playing favorites

Step-parents who have kids of their own need to avoid playing favorites between the biological kids and their own. While you’ll always feel a special connection towards your own kids, there’s no reason to throw it in your stepchildren’s faces. 

They already know. Making it more obvious can cause more step-parenting problems and make the kids dislike each other.

5. Don’t create unrealistic expectations

When you married, that didn’t automatically mean the children would gather around and be happy. That shouldn’t be the anticipation. The feelings will come over time, but it could take a while. 

It’s a matter of simply being patient and allowing them to develop. 

However, the expectation everyone should have is that the kids treat you with the same respect and kindness as any friend coming into the family. As a parent, manners should be taught to your children from a very young age.

6. Avoid overstepping boundaries

Boundaries should be respected no matter what. Among all the things a step-parent should never do, this holds an important place.

Respect the boundaries set by the biological parent regarding decisions and parenting responsibilities. Communication is key – discuss important matters with your partner and find a balance that works for everyone.

7. Don’t keep Score

To avoid step-parent struggles on a daily basis, avoid keeping track of who does what for whom. A healthy family dynamic is not about tit-for-tat. Focus on contributing positively to the family rather than expecting recognition for every effort.

What makes step-parenting so hard?

Step-parenting is tricky because the person is coming into an already established family with a dynamic in place. There are rules, traditions, and routines that no one wants another person to come in and change all that the kids are used to. 

Many children are afraid that will happen, and often, some of that has to change to fit the new person in. There might be a move to a new home, likely different house rules, and a routine for possibly changing schools. 

Some traditions might stay the same, but some will need to change to accommodate the step-parent’s side of the family. It will be a whole new dynamic. That makes the step-parent the least favored person for a while. 

The step-parent needs to take these steps as slowly as possible or find ways to compromise so the children feel included and begin to develop a connection.

17 most common step-parenting problems

Step-parenting is probably one of the most challenging roles in a family. When struggling with step-parenting, there are few places to go for step-parenting advice. You can reach out to a spouse, but many times that’s difficult because, being their kids, they will have limited guidance. 

In reality, it’s better to seek a support system of peers having the same issues. Perhaps, look into classes on the topic or workshops or even research the subject for educational literature to see how to handle the situation in a positive, healthy way. 

Let’s look over some of the more common step-parenting problems.

1. Understanding and following boundaries

The starter pack for how to be a step-parent starts with being understanding of your situation. 

Boundaries for step-parenting and those for the biological family are unique. The step-parent needs to understand those differences and learn how to follow them. The problem is they can change in the blink of an eye. 

Some boundaries are specific to the ex, some for your spouse, and some for the kid. You won’t know until you cross these that you have. By the time you learn, the rules will change. It’s tough, but communication is vital in attempting to keep up.

2. Decisions are for the parents

Step-parent struggles involve not stepping in when decisions are to be made. You want so badly to provide step-parenting help, but that help is not solicited because the parents have to make the decisions regarding the children.

3. Many people don’t see you in a parental role

When contemplating what is step-parenting, most people don’t view the role in any way as a parent. 

Even if you have your own children, the stepchildren that come into your life ultimately see you more in a mentor capacity or friend until maybe further down the road. It just takes a bit of time and nurturing.

4. Diminished as a component of the family

Parenting stepchildren almost always means that you’re diminished as part of the family until things begin to connect. If there are traditions or routines, you’re almost always excluded or brushed to the side because there’s no place that you fit. Eventually, there will be a new or revised dynamic that’s all-inclusive.

5. Resistance is the initial response

Step-parenting relationships with the kids are often hesitant. The children don’t want to betray the other parent, so they resist this new person, unsure how to react. 

It’s also difficult for you because you haven’t developed the unconditional love a “parent” has for children. It’s a learning curve, and will take each of you growing together to figure it all out.

6. The parent stays in the background

While you’re out there struggling with step-parenting, usually, a spouse will stay in the background and let the issues work themselves out. That is something a step-parent needs to disallow. Pull your spouse out and make the mate stand with you as a team in dealing with the problems together. 

7. Forcing the relationships

Step-parenting can go off-kilter sometimes, with the step-parent attempting to force the relationship with a child. That can result in defiance on the child’s part, with them moving further away and taking longer to come back around. It’s essential to let it grow at a natural pace.

8. Time and patience

Being a step-parent means you need to have adequate levels of patience and time. 

In that same vein, if you approach the kids initially with the idea that you don’t want to replace their other parent, simply be there if they need an extra ear or maybe a mentor anytime, and then back off, you would be surprised at how they slowly make their way to you. 

With you not interacting but instead giving them space, it makes them curious.

9. Age will play a factor

Step-parenting will prove the most challenging with kids within their teenage years. That doesn’t mean all teenagers will be rejected. Any child might be very willing, depending on the circumstances. Again, it just depends on the situation.

10. What are those circumstances

As mentioned, the circumstances will play a massive part in how the kids react to you. If the other parent were to have died or if there was a divorce, it could go either way. 

A young child might be ready for another parent, while a teenager might not want a replacement or even vice versa. It depends on the kid.

11. There is often blame

Sometimes, with newly-remarried parents, there is blame if it means their parents were divorced. Of course, the step-parent will receive the worst treatment over the parent, making step-parenting that much more difficult. 

Tips for step-parents in this type of situation is to convince the parent to get counseling for the child to work through the divorce first and foremost.

12. How you come in will make the determination

If you come in like a lion, in the beginning, it will make a wrong impression on the child. The best approach is to be non-intrusive in the home and calm and peaceful with your spouse. 

That approach will have the best impact on the kid and start the relationship on a positive note.

13. Understanding of your partner’s bond

You must understand your partner’s bond with their kids as a mate. 

It will be more profound than the two of you, and that’s how it should be. When your partner is defensive for the children, that should be something you can appreciate, especially if you have kids.

14. Discipline is not a three-person job

Parents generally have differing views on discipline, but it can be a disaster when adding step-parenting into that equation. 

Of course, the parents are ideally the primary decision-makers on how the kids will be disciplined. Still, step-parenting advice should be considered since the children are part of your household.

Discipline can’t be forced, it must reflect in habits. Here are 7 ways to discipline your child:

15. Arguments will ensue

In attempting to figure out your step-parenting duties, arguments will ensue with your spouse, especially where disciplining the children is concerned. That’s mainly because your spouse is also dealing with an ex-partner, arguing that the step-parent has no say in these issues. 

Your mate is dealing with a great deal of pressure from both sides, putting your partner in a challenging situation. As a rule, the parents will do the parenting with the step-parent watching from the sidelines. 

There will be rules imposed by the kid’s parent in the new household, but the step-parent has no fundamental “parenting” duties. 

16. Feeling overwhelmed

Step-parenting can be challenging, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed at times. You may be juggling new responsibilities, trying to connect with your stepchild, and managing the dynamics of a blended family. 

It’s essential to recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed and communicate this with your partner. Together, you can find ways to share the responsibilities, establish a support system, and take breaks when needed. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and prioritize self-care to maintain your well-being.

17. Biological parent’s influence

The influence of the biological parent can pose challenges in step-parenting. Your stepchild may have established routines, traditions, or ways of doing things with their biological parent. Navigating this influence requires open communication between you, your partner, and the biological parent. 

It’s crucial to find a balance that respects the child’s connection with their biological parent while also integrating your own values and contributions. Building a unified parenting approach with your partner helps create consistency and stability for the child, fostering a healthier family dynamic.

How to set boundaries with step-parents

Step-parents overstepping boundaries is not an uncommon thing.

A household that comes together to create a new family dynamic needs to include this person’s boundaries. It’s also a good idea to allow children of an older age to step in and help create new boundaries since this new dynamic exists.

The parents’ rules need to be discussed for young kids so the step-parent understands what the kids are used to for younger children. In this way, the step-parent is aware, and those rules can be followed. 

But, an ex needs to consider adding rules for the kids with the new family.

Now that the household belongs to everyone, there might be some guidelines that the step-parent would request that should be considered, but only after the kids become used to a new person in their life. 

Adjustment takes significant time, and a step-parent needs to be understanding and patient while that happens. The kids should also try to understand that this person is new, and the parent should explain that in kid’s terms.

The priority is to ensure respect in the household and balance so no one feels imposed upon them and all needs are satisfied. 

There will always be rough patches, but communication is the key to working through problems. Marriage and Family Therapist Ron L. Deal, in his book ‘Prepare to Blend,’ focuses on how to work on that family dynamic while engaged moving forward into the wedding.

When you can discuss these as a family, everyone will feel heard, and the issues can be resolved.

How to deal with step-parent jealousy

Dealing with step-parent jealousy is a common challenge in blended families. It’s natural for both step-parents and biological parents to grapple with feelings of insecurity, rivalry, or unease.

Acknowledging and addressing these emotions is crucial for fostering a harmonious family environment. To learn key strategies for navigating step-parent jealousy, read here.

FAQs 

Facing the complexities of step-parenting is a common challenge. Understanding and addressing concerns is crucial for building a strong blended family. Let’s explore some common questions about step-parenting.

• How do I handle conflicts between my biological and stepchildren?

Conflicts between biological and stepchildren are normal. Foster open communication, encourage teamwork, and address issues calmly. Establishing shared rules and values can create harmony within the family.

• How can I cope with feelings of inadequacy as a step parent?

Feeling inadequate as a step-parent is common. Focus on building connections, be patient with yourself, and communicate openly with your partner about your emotions. Remember, building relationships takes time.

• Can involving my stepchildren in family decisions help overcome challenges?

Involving stepchildren in family decisions can empower them and enhance their sense of belonging. It fosters a collaborative environment, strengthening the family bond and easing potential challenges.

• What are the psychological effects of step-parenting?

Step-parenting can impact children emotionally. They may experience stress or loyalty conflicts. Open communication, empathy, and creating a supportive environment are vital for mitigating any psychological effects and fostering a positive family dynamic.

• What is a toxic step parent behavior?

Toxic step-parent behavior includes favoritism, manipulation, or excessive control. These actions can harm the child’s well-being and strain family relationships. Healthy communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries are essential to avoid toxic behaviors and promote a nurturing family environment.

Blending into the family

Step-parenting is not for the faint of heart. It takes considerable strength to enter into a dynamic already established. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible or that you can’t bring the kids around to appreciate a new way. It simply means it could take considerable time and much patience.

There might be a need for the children to receive counseling to work through what’s happening between the parents, whether a divorce or a death. 

If that’s not happening, it would undoubtedly be a strong suggestion. As the step-parent, it would be good to take a class or a workshop to gain some insight into handling the role better. 

Maybe even reach out to peers who have already become comfortable in their role and discuss their journey to that point. It might be uphill all the way, but it is worth it.