7 Subtle Signs of Toxic Masculinity in a Relationship

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One of the survival skills you must develop if you want to enjoy your love life is your ability to spot the signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship. If ignored in the early stages of your relationship, toxic masculinity can quickly morph into something huge and nasty. 

It usually begins with subtle signs. For example, your partner may try to control your actions and the people you interact with, mount unnecessary surveillance on you, or make you feel captive when you’re with him. 

Regardless of how you look at it, these toxic masculinity traits aren’t flattering and should be addressed immediately after seeing them. In this article, we will walk you through the steps you must take immediately after you identify the signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship. 

What is toxic masculinity? 

Over the years, this conversation has taken many turns. Toxic masculinity refers to a set of attitudes or behavioral patterns stereotypically associated with or expected of men, even if they have negative impacts on their families, partners, themselves, or society as a whole.

Toxic masculinity can be summed up with a few words; the pressure for men and boys to be tough or act tough even when it is harmful for them to do so. 

Scientifically, it has been proven that the belief that real men must be tough (even when they need other people around them) is detrimental to their physical, mental, and emotional health as it contributes to anxiety, depression, and risky behavioral patterns in men.  

Toxic masculinity examples 

To better understand the subject, you should see some toxic masculinity examples. These scenarios will help you know if your partner exhibits these traits so you can start deciding your next lines of action. 

• A partner who constantly rejects your help, even when you offer it with noble intentions, might be showing signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship. He’s struggling with his finances, trying to keep his business afloat, and is neck deep in debt. However, he keeps rejecting your offers to help. 

His rejection is because he feels your respect for him may dwindle if he ever accepts that he needs to be helped. This can be considered one of the classic toxic masculinity traits, one that you should be on the lookout for. 

• Here’s another example. You’ve just found out that your partner was involved in a shady deal at work. Instead of owning up to the fact that he has made a mistake and seeking your forgiveness, he decides to play an entirely different card. 

He makes you start questioning your sanity by trying to convince you that he wasn’t involved in the shady deal (even though all the facts are there to prove that he was). He employs reverse psychology and gaslighting and soon shushes you into absolute silence on the matter. 

A man who would rather make you doubt your sanity by employing exact gaslighting skills instead of accepting his wrongs when he has made a mistake is displaying toxic masculinity. 

If allowed to continue, a time may come when you’d lose your self-trust because your partner has perfected the art of making you second-guess yourself.

According to Maggie Martinez, a licensed clinical social worker:

When you second guess yourself, you allow your partner to have complete control in a toxic relationship.

There are many other signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship. Some of them are subtle, while others are more pronounced. In a later section of this article, you will discover some of them. 

What issues can toxic masculinity cause? 

Toxic masculinity, if not handled immediately, can deteriorate any relationship within the shortest possible time. Here are some of the issues that toxic masculinity can cause. 

1. Lack of trust

When it becomes obvious that your partner is skilled at manipulating you to get his way, you may begin to lose the trust you’ve had for him. Over time, you may struggle to tell the difference between his truths and lies. 

Then again, studies reveal a striking relationship between manipulation and reduced emotional satisfaction in relationships. People in manipulative relationships trust their partners less and are more likely to call off the relationship at any chance they get.  

Related Reading: 15 Reasons for Lack of Trust in a Relationship

2. Reduced self-esteem 

When allowed to continue, toxic masculinity can affect your self-esteem and cause depression or anxiety. When your partner makes it a point of duty to humiliate you or get physically violent, your self-esteem may begin to reduce. 

The only way to protect yourself, in this case, maybe to call off the relationship and focus on getting your mental health back on track.

3. Your social life becomes non-existent  

Man is a social being, and this implies that we cannot thrive without healthy social interactions with others. When you’re with a partner who tries to isolate you from the rest of the world, your other relationships may suffer as a result. 

Your friends may interpret your distance as unavailability and may stay away from you. Your family may begin to withdraw as well (Especially if they value privacy) and this can leave you without the much-needed support system. 

This isolation can be lethal as it practically leaves you at the mercy of a toxic partner.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, further shares:

Isolation is a huge warning sign and something worth paying attention to.

7 signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship 

Now that you have a clearer understanding of what it’s all about, here are the signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship. 

1.  Financial control 

This is one of the more subtle signs of toxic masculinity in a relationship. Everyone is entitled to their money, especially if they worked for it. However, when your partner constantly takes charge of the money, you may want to pay closer attention. 

It is okay if both of you have agreed for your relationship to run that way. If he subtly controls all the money, makes all major financial decisions (including how much you save and invest as a couple), and never seeks your opinions while at it, he might be toxic. 

A healthy relationship is one in which the opinions of everyone can be considered and respected when it comes to how money is used. You should have a say in what you spend your money on, especially if you’re earning as well. 

The pressure for financial control comes from the stereotypical belief that it is the responsibility of the man to control the money in every relationship because he is more wired to make objective financial decisions. 

2. His approval is needed before you can take any step 

Any relationship that takes away your ability to make decisions for yourself can be considered toxic. If you always have to wait for your partner’s approval before you can take any step, no matter how little they are, you may want to think again. 

Here’s a clear litmus test to reveal if this is toxic masculinity at play. 

Does he return the same favor to you? Does he inform you before he takes any steps, or does he do things without seeking and factoring in your opinion? 

It makes more sense if it is two-sided; that is, he informs you before he takes any step and asks what you think. However, if you’re the one who always has to report to him and wait for his approval, then you may just be in a toxic relationship. 

A healthy relationship comes with a level of independence that stems from the knowledge that every human is autonomous and should be able to make decisions for themselves, even when they’re in a relationship. 

Take note of that man who seeks to control every area of your life; even the seemingly small ones. Obsession with control is a sign of toxic masculinity.  

3. Frequent outbursts of anger 

This is another sign that shows you’re with a toxic partner. If he has a fiery temper and always does or says things that keep you uncomfortable when he is angry, reassess your relationship. 

As humans, we all have emotions. It is okay to get angry or feel hurt when people step on your toes. However, what makes you a rational being is your ability to rein in your emotions and keep yourself under check even when you’re annoyed. 

Evaluate how your partner behaves when he gets angry. Does he throw things around or get violent? Does he say things he would end up apologizing for afterward? These may be signs of toxic masculinity on display. 

Related Reading: How Do I Control My Anger Outbursts and Calm My Nerves?

4. He hangs onto preconceived gender roles in a relationship 

Another glaring sign of toxic masculinity in a relationship is when your partner hangs onto preconceived gender roles in the relationship. He believes it is his responsibility to work and earn for the family while you stay home and take care of things. 

It gets worse when he refuses to help out at home because he is the ‘man.’ When your partner refuses to help you with home chores, even when it is glaring that you need help, you may want to take a small step back. 

Be wary if you have to deal with all the house chores by yourself, even though you work. Also, be careful if you’re with a partner who wouldn’t allow you to get some extra hands at home but still refuses to lift a finger. 

5. He forces his opinions and desires on you

This is one of the classic signs that reveal you’re with a toxic man. He constantly tries to force his opinions and desires on you without giving much thought to how you feel at every time. 

This reveals itself in many forms. For example, he may try to sexually assault you when you’re not in the mood or make life-altering decisions for you (like the decision to relocate to another state without asking your opinion). 

Surprisingly, this may be more common than you may have thought. Statistics show that over 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in America have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. 

Your partner should recognize that you’re a human with feelings and emotions. They should be able to respect these and not force what they think is right on you. 

6. He never accepts when he is wrong 

How does your partner behave when arguments come up in the relationship? Does he accept his wrongs and apologize when he is wrong, or does he blame you every single time?

One gender stereotype that has affected relationships for the longest time is the belief that men don’t apologize, even when they’re wrong. You may be dealing with a toxic partner when it is obvious that he struggles to apologize, even when it is clear that he is at fault.

Maggie Martinez highlights that:

You know you’re in a toxic relationship when the person doesn’t take accountability for their actions and ends up trying to do things to “make up” for their actions.

A healthy relationship is one in which everyone is teachable, can accept their faults, and aren’t too big to seek their partner’s forgiveness when they have acted out of line. 

So, take a look at what he does when arguments come up. Does he always seek to shift the blame to you? 

Suggested video: How to say “I am sorry.” 

7. He tries to shut out other relationships 

When toxic masculinity is in play, he believes he should be the most important person in your life. Hence, he would do everything in his power to isolate you from others and also try to make you see him as the center of your world. 

If your partner makes it look like you have to live for his happiness alone and tries to isolate you from every other connection you’ve established in the past, it may be a sign of toxic masculinity. 

Heads up. He may mask his original intentions with excuses like how he gets jealous every time you’re away or how he’s trying to protect you. Please look beyond the excuses and understand what goes on through his mind every time he tries to shut you out of the rest of the world.

Related Reading: When to Stop Trying in a Relationship: 10 Signs to Watch For

5 ways to deal with toxic masculinity 

Here are 5 simple strategies that will help you deal with toxic masculinity after you’ve identified it in your relationship. 

1. Understand the dynamism of society 

To deal with toxic masculinity, you must understand the ever-changing nature of society. Some of the ideals we held in the past have changed with the times. Culture isn’t set in stone. 

2. Question your definition of masculinity 

Evaluate these patterns you’ve held in high esteem till now and examine the effects they’ve had on your relationships. Have they affected your relationships positively or negatively? If negative, consider letting them go immediately. 

3. Give it time 

You can’t let go of the things you’ve believed for a long time overnight. Even as you and your partner work toward letting go of toxic masculinity in your relationship, decide to give it time. 

At some point, he may slip into old and negative patterns. Please cut him some slack and give him a chance to work toward becoming a better man. 

4. Effective communication 

He may not fully comprehend the effects of his actions on your mental and physical health if you don’t talk to him. Find the perfect time and let him see how you have been affected by his actions. 

Related Reading: 6 Steps to Effective Communication in Relationships

5. Consider couples therapy 

Sometimes, you may need relationship counseling to get over the grip of toxic masculinity in your relationship. If he isn’t so averse to the idea, you may want to enlist the help of an expert to help you navigate your relationship. 

Only give this a shot if you feel your relationship is salvageable. 

How can we end toxic masculinity? 

When it comes to how toxic masculinity can be addressed, the first step to ending toxic masculinity is to understand that men are allowed to show emotions as well. Boys should be encouraged to treat their partners as humans, not tools. 

Afterward, apply the strategies we have covered in this article to navigate your personal relationship if you notice traits of toxic masculinity in it. 

Takeaway

This article has gone in-depth to show you what toxic masculinity means and the signs that show you’re with a toxic man. Use the strategies covered in this article to begin your journey to recovery. 

Also, consider getting professional help if you can. Relationship counseling can go a long way to help your partner let go of toxic beliefs that hold your relationship down.