13 Effective Strategies for Disarming a Narcissist

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Dealing with a narcissist who is highly self-absorbed and unempathetic can be frustrating. That’s why learning how to respond to a narcissist and stop them is essential. However, disarming a narcissist is usually not easy unless you understand the personality of a narcissist. 

Transformational mentor & therapist Dionne Eleanor says,

Often when people find themselves in a narcissistic relationship and needing to change something, they usually feel like they are already drowning in a sea of manipulation and gaslighting and it can feel like they are struggling to find solid ground.

A narcissistic personality disorder describes entitled, unempathetic, and emotionally detached individuals. Grandiosity is typically central to the personality of individuals with narcissistic behavior. They can be self-centered, with high expectations of others to make them feel good.

Many concerns of people around a narcissist are “How do you disarm a narcissist?” or “What to say to disarm a narcissist?” This article examines the process of disarming the narcissist around you and shares the best tips to disarm a narcissist.

However, before diving right into how to stop a narcissist, let’s check the meaning of disarming a narcissist.

What is disarming a narcissist?

You must understand that you can’t control narcissistic behavior to disarm a narcissist. What you can do, though, is to identify how not to let a narcissist affect you. That includes knowing subtle ways to handle a narcissist and getting a narcissist to listen to you.

Therefore, disarming a narcissist involves actions that protect you from the effect of a person’s narcissism. It also includes knowing specific words to disarm a narcissist to reduce its impact on your mental health. Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and exhaustive. 

However, you can protect yourself by managing narcissistic behavior and knowing what to say to disarm a narcissist.

Do narcissists deliberately pick fights with their partners? 

One of the most affected by narcissistic behavior is the partners of narcissists. Since they are the closest, narcissists’ partners often bear the brunt of narcissistic behaviors. Narcissists can deliberately pick fights with their partners. To a narcissist, arguments, and disagreements are about winners and losers, not solving an issue. 

Remember, a typical narcissist appears to be highly self-absorbed. That means your opinion or perspective may mean nothing to them. Thus, they may always look for an avenue to prove they are much better than you. A fight with their partners is a perfect scenario for displaying their superiority.

There is a need for constant replenishment of their self-esteem and stroking of their ego. When narcissists notice a gap in their self-esteem, picking a fight with the closest people is usually the way out. Such an unnecessary fight can confuse and overwhelm their partners, making a narcissist feel powerful.

Will praising a narcissist make him calm?

If you’re looking for the best ways to handle a narcissist, it’s recommended that you not praise him. Praising a narcissist instead replenishes and empowers their narcissistic behavior. When you praise narcissists, you feed them the fuel, which does nothing but hurt you terribly. 

Knowing how to disarm a covert narcissist or deal with a narcissist is highly recommended in such cases. In the subsequent paragraphs, you will go through some effective tips to disarm a narcissist.

Key phrases to disarm a narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist can be challenging, and it’s important to approach such interactions with care and tact. Here are some key phrases that can help you navigate conversations with a narcissist while trying to de-escalate conflicts and maintain a healthy dynamic:

1. “I understand your perspective.” Acknowledging their point of view can help diffuse tension and show that you’re open to hearing them out.
2. “Let’s find a solution together.” Suggesting cooperation can redirect the conversation toward problem-solving rather than focusing on blame or conflict.
3. “I appreciate your input.” This shows that you value their contributions, even if you don’t entirely agree.
4. “I’d like to hear more about what you’re feeling.” Encouraging them to express their emotions can sometimes help them feel understood and less defensive.
5. “Can we take a step back and approach this calmly?” Suggesting a pause can prevent a situation from escalating further.
6. “I’m committed to finding common ground.” Expressing your commitment to finding a resolution emphasizes that your goal is mutual understanding.
7. “Let’s focus on the issue, not personal attacks.” Reminding them to stick to the topic at hand can help keep the conversation productive.
8. “I believe we can work this out respectfully.” Conveying your belief in a positive outcome can encourage them to be more cooperative.
9. “Your insights are valuable.” Recognizing their expertise or knowledge can help ease their need for constant validation.
10. “I’m interested in your thoughts, but I also have some concerns.” This phrase balances acknowledging their perspective while introducing your own.
11. “Let’s consider the impact on everyone involved.” Encouraging them to think beyond themselves can help broaden their perspective.
12. “I want us to communicate openly and honestly.” Emphasizing the importance of open communication can encourage more constructive dialogue.
13. “We’re all still learning and growing.” Gently reminding them that personal growth is ongoing can help mitigate their defensiveness.
14. “I value our relationship and want it to thrive.” Expressing your desire for a positive relationship can resonate with your narcissistic partner’s need for admiration.
15. “Let’s agree to disagree and respect our differences.” Sometimes, acknowledging that differences exist and can coexist peacefully is the best approach.

Remember that interactions with narcissists can be complex, and these phrases might not work in every situation. It’s essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and set healthy boundaries. If you’re dealing with a particularly difficult or abusive situation, consider seeking support from a therapist, counselor, or support group.

13 ways for disarming a narcissist

Knowing what to say and what to use to disarm a narcissist is the right way to deal with them. Here are some ways that can help you in disarming a narcissist: 

1. Build your self-esteem

The first step to disarming a narcissist is to build your self-esteem. That’s because typical narcissists are usually intentional about their victims. 

So, they go for individuals with low confidence and courage. If you want to build your self-esteem, you must have self-respect and set clear boundaries with a narcissist, no matter how low they make you feel.

2. Be calm

While you may want to infuriate a narcissist, the best way to disarm them is not to flare up. If you know narcissists well enough, they know they love to fight. So they will always be ready for you.

Instead of fighting back, keep calm. A fight or argument with a narcissist will always make you look bad. Be emotionally intelligent, and don’t argue. When you do this, a narcissist will back off eventually.

3. Don’t feed their ego

Praises are the fuel of narcissists. Perhaps, they are used to people giving them adoration for the things they do. You can’t deal with a narcissist by lauding them – it may make you look like their perfect candidate. 

Once you don’t feed their ego, their narcissistic behavior is less likely to affect you.

4. Don’t take responsibility for their actions

Whatever you do in disarming a narcissist, do not take responsibility for their actions. Making others answer their actions is one of the tactics of narcissists. You may think accepting their faults will make them calm down, but not for long. 

You feed them what they like, and they will keep coming back. Instead, let them be responsible for their behavior. Sooner or later, they will calm down.

5. Don’t give them attention

A narcissist loves nothing more than 100% attention. They like to be the center of attention, dominate a conversation, win an argument, and have absolute power over others around them. But don’t give them any worthy attention if you want to handle a narcissist.

6. Avoid giving out negative emotions

Although you should avoid giving a narcissist attention, try not to respond with negative emotions. Narcissists are always looking for an excuse to lash out at you and hold you responsible. Giving them negative attention makes it easy for them, and you don’t want to do that.

7. Control your emotions

Every person living with narcissists must arm themselves with strong emotional intelligence because narcissists look for emotionally weak and vulnerable individuals. 

Narcissists know the button to push to make you angry so that they can hold it against you. But you can win. It is best to control your emotions and don’t ever dance to the tune of a narcissist.

8. Set clear boundaries

To know how to disarm a narcissistic husband or wife, you must set clear boundaries. To set clear boundaries means you don’t need to justify or defend yourself to a narcissist because winning against them can be difficult. 

Also, be firm with your decisions when you deal with narcissists. Decide what you will tolerate and what you want. Importantly, you should know when to say no or yes.

9. Know the words to disarm a narcissist

To set clear boundaries with a narcissist means having a conversation with them. In other words, you must know what to say to disarm a narcissist cleverly so the narcissist doesn’t overpower you. The following are some of the words to say to a narcissist during a conversation:

• I would like to work this out with you without yelling or cutting me short
• We have different perspectives on this
• Your opinions are as important as mine
• I respect your decisions, but I need you to understand…
• I’m happy to consider your wishes, but it will be best to consider mine as well.
• You’re entitled to your opinion.
• I wonder if we can do this better
• I’m concerned about…
• I’m usually uncomfortable when you…
• I’m disappointed…
• We seem to disagree on…
• I’d love to maintain a respectful relationship.

10. Don’t give an ultimatum

The best way to disarm a narcissist and their narcissistic behavior is not to give conditions. Of course, you may want to give them a chance to change, but setting a deadline is equivalent to giving them control over you. As such, they will use it over you many times.

You may feel an ultimatum gives you control over them, but that may make you as toxic as they are – an opportunity to use the same tactic over you. Instead, express your need for a change respectfully. 

If they are unwilling to change, you may consider getting emotionally detached from them. 

11. Sidestep negative comments 

One of the best ways to disarm a narcissist is to sidestep negative comments and questions tactfully. This process involves changing the topic, giving a different statement, or answering another question different from the one asked. 

For example, assuming a narcissist, fond of finding fault with your spending habits, dressing, personal choices, etc., starts nitpicking, you can shift to a topic the narcissist loves. 

Ask for their opinion on the recent news or a football game. Of course, that is a chance for them to display their egoistic attitude and show how knowledgeable they are, but it lets them focus on another topic.

12. Don’t mince your words

Sometimes, it is best to take the bull by the horns when dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists crave attention and the need to fill up the void inside them. Therefore, they will test their power on you to see if they can get away.

One way to counter this is to call out their actions. If they try to blame you for something they did, calmly say, “Are you trying to blame me for your actions?” Or “You don’t let me talk during arguments. Why is that?” 

Even if they respond, saying such statements makes them pause to think of their actions. It also tells them you are not stupid, even if you have tolerated them for long.

Ann Began, a lawyer, business advisor, public speaker, and health advocate, outlines the various kinds of narcissists and offers a framework on how to work with them in this video:

13. Practice empathetic listening

While engaging in empathetic listening with a narcissist might seem counterintuitive, this approach can help disarm their behavior. Narcissists often have a deep need for validation and attention. 

By actively listening to their concerns and acknowledging their feelings, you can demonstrate your willingness to understand their perspective. This doesn’t mean you must agree with everything they say. However, showing empathy can momentarily defuse their defensiveness and make them feel heard.

Commonly asked questions

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by excessive self-centeredness and an inflated sense of importance. Dealing with narcissists can be challenging. Let’s explore some key aspects related to narcissism.

• Are narcissists good at finding faults? 

Narcissists often excel at pinpointing flaws in others while ignoring their own. This behavior stems from their need for superiority and control to maintain their self-perceived image of perfection.

• What happens if I give a narcissist the silent treatment? 

Providing a narcissist with the silent treatment can evoke frustration and anxiety, denying them the attention they crave. They might respond with manipulation, guilt-tripping, or attempts to regain your focus to regain a sense of power.

• What are some common traits of a narcissist? 

Narcissists exhibit traits such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, constant need for admiration, sense of entitlement, manipulativeness, and a tendency to exploit others for personal gain.

• What are a narcissist’s weaknesses? 

Despite their apparent confidence, narcissists often struggle with fragile self-esteem. Criticism or failure can profoundly affect them, and their inability to form genuine connections can leave them emotionally isolated.

• How do you neutralize a narcissist? 

Neutralizing a narcissist involves setting clear boundaries, avoiding emotional reactions, and focusing on your own well-being. Limit their opportunities for manipulation and seek support from friends, family, or professionals if needed.

Summary

A narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an elevated sense of self-importance, a need for attention, and a lack of empathy for others. It’s overwhelming and frustrating to deal with a narcissist because you may feel you are constantly at the receiving end. 

Dionne Eleanor, transformational mentor and therapist, concludes, 

A narcissist understands right and wrong and what hurts others in theory but at a deep level, they rarely understand why they act the way they do or how to stop their behavior hurting others. Their behaviors to you is often not personal to you, but a result of deep internal dysregulation and lodged trauma that causes them to do and say hurtful things.

As discussed in this article, the solution is to work on disarming a narcissist. That means knowing how to control your emotions around a narcissist, what to say to narcissism, and ensuring their actions don’t affect you. Importantly, it is best to build your self-esteem.