How to Effectively Deescalate When Arguing With a Narcissist?

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All of us either know or have had experience with a narcissist at some point in our lives.  Some of us have even been in a romantic relationship with a narcissist.  

Whether the narcissist is someone you work with, a person in your social circle, or even your spouse, knowing the best techniques for arguing with a narcissist will be helpful when a conflict arises.  

You should know from the start that arguing with a narcissist is likely to be a pointless endeavor.  By definition, narcissists always think they are right and will never come around to your point of view (or even listen to it!).

What is a narcissist?

Let’s start by defining what a narcissist is. Contrary to what many people think, it is not a diagnosed personality disorder.  

It’s a series of traits that occur on a continuum, the most pronounced of this being self-centeredness.  

If you remember your Greek mythology, Narcissus was a boy who was so handsome he fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water.  

From that myth comes the term Narcissist, a person whose most important priority is themselves.

Other traits that make up the narcissistic personality include:

•  No empathy for others’ feelings
• Manipulates and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
• Convinced they are always right, and everyone else is wrong
• Feels mentally superior to all around them
• Arrogant
• A belief they are special and this specialness is misunderstood by everyone
• Grandiosity, a sense of superiority, exaggerates achievements and talents (often lying about them)
• Moody, irritable, mood swings
• Sense of entitlement
• Excessive need for admiration
• Lack of remorse when hurting others
• Violence towards animals and people
• No concern about consequences
• Disdain for authority; thinks they are above the law
• Reckless, risky behavior with no concern for others’ safety
• A pattern of deceit, including the exploitation of others
• Irresponsible, disrespectful and hostile behavior

All of these characteristics make it difficult to come to any sort of meaningful resolution when arguing with a narcissist.

It is important, therefore, to learn some tips for arguing with a narcissist.  Using these tips, you will turn to argue with a narcissist from an exercise in futile frustration to (at least) a way for you to keep the discussion on track and focused.  

You may not get the end result you hoped for because a narcissist cannot participate in a civil discussion whose aim is to find common ground, but you will hone some very useful skills as you learn things to say to a narcissist.

Related Reading: 5 Signs You’re in a Relationship with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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Why does it feel like arguing with a narcissist is futile?

Arguing with a narcissist is a completely different experience from regular relationship quarrels.

Let’s start off with three points that make arguing with a narcissist a different experience.

1. When arguing with a narcissist, know that they are more interested in winning than in the truth.
2. Narcissists love shifting the blame.  They shift the blame for everything that goes wrong to you in order to avoid feeling bad about themselves.
3. Narcissist argument tactics are a bit different.  They don’t really care about you very much, so they have very little incentive to back down.

Related Reading: What Revenge Tactics You Can Expect from a Narcissist

What are some of the typical tactics narcissists use during an argument?

1. Narcissists love to win

Keep in mind that narcissists want to win, control, and put you in a subservient position no matter what the cost.  

They will gaslight, stonewall, lie, distract, yell and scream in an attempt to hurt you emotionally and even physically sometimes.

2. They will avoid answering direct questions

They will hit you with what people call word salad (a string of words that don’t make any sense) and generally dominate the discourse. 

They will go completely off subject, projecting in an argument.  Suddenly you will notice the topic has changed.  

These narcissist argument strategies are all meant to derail and confuse you so that in the end, you will drop the argument out of frustration.  Then, the narcissist will feel like they have won.

Grady Shumway, LMHC, says

When faced with a narcissist’s deflection tactics, stay calm and focused on the issue at hand. Instead of getting caught up in their distractions or word salad, redirect the conversation by calmly restating your original point or question.

Setting boundaries around communication can also help prevent the conversation from spiraling, and if necessary, taking a break to regain clarity and avoid further frustration can be beneficial.

3. They deflect the argument

Narcissists are deflection fighters.  If they see that they cannot dispute your facts, they will pull the focus elsewhere toward anything secondary, irrelevant, or unrelated. 

For example, they’ll shift the focus on the words you used, your style, your motivations, etc.

4. Stonewalling is common with narcissists

Narcissist stonewalling is another known abuse tactic, where they suddenly refuse to cooperate, to listen, to communicate with you.  

If you find yourself arguing with a narcissist and they just decide to leave the room or freeze you out for days, you’ve been stonewalled.

5. Narcissists will often use projection in an argument  

This means they project the undesirable behavior which originates with them onto you.  A common abuser tactic, they blame others for their own problems rather than taking responsibility for them.

6. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a narcissist’s signature technique!  This is when they make you think you are crazy, overly sensitive, or imagining things.  

“You always take everything so literally!!!” a narcissist will say when they hurt your feelings during an argument.  Never would they assume responsibility for hurting your feelings.

Related Reading: 6 Stages of a Relationship with a Narcissist

How do you argue with a narcissist?

While you may not win against a narcissist, these tips will help move the conversation along with as little emotional upset as possible.

1. Do not mention the words “right” or “wrong”

If you want to smooth things over when arguing with a narcissist, do not expect to defeat a narcissist by trying to make them realize who is to blame.

Narcissists never admit that they are wrong because they employ grandiosity—the unrealistic sense of being perfect–to prop up their fragile sense of self, for you to point out to them that they are wrong and explain why it would be useless. They would rather blame you!

Grady Shumway further adds,

When dealing with a narcissist, avoid framing the argument in terms of “right” or “wrong,” as they are unlikely to accept blame. Instead, focus on expressing how you feel and what you need without expecting them to take responsibility.

Shifting the conversation away from blame and toward solutions or boundaries can help prevent the argument from escalating and give you more control over the interaction.

2. Do not take the bait

When arguing with a narcissist, expect them to say provocative and nasty things.  They are wired to be abusive.  

They want to get a response from you.  It’s another way they can get attention, even if it is negative.  (Does this remind you of a toddler you know?  It’s the same reasoning!)

Don’t fall for it and sink to their level.  The best way to hurt a narcissist (and avoid a huge fight) is to ignore the bait they are dangling in front of you.  

If you ignore their insult and do not rise to the bait, you can often avoid a pointless dispute. 

3. Winning with a narcissist may necessitate empathizing with their feelings

Because narcissists thrive on attention, employing empathy when arguing with a narcissist can be a helpful strategy. Tell them that you understand and empathize with how they feel.  

This can often deescalate the argument because narcissists can be calmed down by your expression of understanding.  “You must have felt very angry.  I can understand your feeling that way.”

4. Instead of using “You” or “I,” use “We”

Narcissist blame shifting is common, but they may react well if you use “we” language when arguing with a narcissist. 

For example, imagine that you are arguing with a narcissistic husband.  

You defend yourself, and now the two of you are caught up in an escalating conflict over something that has nothing to do with the original topic (because deflection in the argument is common for narcissists).  Stop the argument by saying something positive that incorporates the “we”:

“I love you, and you love me. The last thing I want to do is hurt you or argue with you. I think we both got derailed. Let’s kiss and make up.”

5. To win back a narcissist

The best tactic to beat a narcissist is to remain in complete control of your emotions.  This requires patience, deep breathing, and some detachment because narcissists are greatly skilled at provoking you.  

When you keep your emotions and language in check, you disarm the narcissist, and he is left to his own devices.  

He will be confused as he relies on you to feed the flames of his anger.  The best way to respond to a narcissist is not to emotionally respond.

Related Reading: How to Deal With a Narcissist in a Relationship?

Wrapping up

Should you find yourself being provoked into an argument with a narcissist, using these tips will help you stay out of a long, unwinnable conversation.

Meet their provocation with neutrality, boredom, or ambivalence.  By doing so, you will avoid pouring fuel on their fire and spare your own mental well-being from another of the narcissists’ attempts to bolster their weak self-esteem.  

While you will never “win” an argument with a narcissist, you can engage with them all while preserving your own integrity.  And that is a win in itself!