5 Lessons I Learned From 20 Years of Marriage

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What do people with 20 years of marriage have to teach that may save you a lot of time and thousands of dollars in couples therapy? Great question! 

Your choice of a significant other is one of the most important decisions you will make as it relates to your overall happiness. 

After the honeymoon phase, reality hits the couple. Your perspective on what can be the greatest adventure of your life becomes more logical. This is a magnificent opportunity to learn marriage lessons and grow from them. 

Can you imagine, after exchanging wedding vows, you magically acquire the marriage lessons that would have taken you 20 years of marriage to learn? How mind-blowing would that be? 

As a relationship coach, who’s been married 20 years, has two children, three fur babies, and a very full-time career, I often get asked the same question. 

What is the secret to a happy marriage? If this is something you are curious about, continue reading for the inside scoop! 

Related Reading: 20 Powerful Lessons for a Happy Marriage

1. Prioritize your emotional well-being

Marriage is an agreement that can unearth some sleepy skeletons. That fear of abandonment we worked through… well, that will rise like the phoenix in marriage. 

Unconsciously we attract those who feel familiar. Let’s just say I didn’t walk through this marriage thing with the elegance of a princess. Emotional turmoil dragged me down quite often. The voice sounded something like this, “You will end up a wrinkled old maid, alone. In a dirty state-facilitated old-age home.” And down the rabbit hole, I’d go. 

As the report says, in the U.S., prioritizing financial success is what’s celebrated most. So, it’s normal to feel that it should take precedence over everything else. I learned that working all hours, ignoring my intuition, and silencing my emotional needs were unhealthy. 

With help, after 20 years of marriage, I learned to identify and express my emotions with less frustration. I learned to pause before speaking and see his point of view even if I didn’t agree with it. 

Here’s how to do it:

Creating time to listen to your feelings, scheduling five-minute breaks during the day, and checking in with your heart and body are transformational. This was by far the marriage lesson I cherish the most. 

Related Reading: 7 Key Tips to Improve Mental Wellness in Your Marriage

2. Work on your false beliefs 

In my twenties, I was convinced that marriage was like yogurt. At first, it’s smooth and creamy, but with time, green hairy molds appear. This belief was problematic. It oversaw what I felt, what I said, and how I said it. All of which affect marriages. 

Some false narratives feel so real we think they are factual. Ask yourself, “How old exactly is the person responding to this problem right now? Old narratives have the power to break down marriages.

You are basically responding to present moments with past childhood thoughts. 

Here’s how to do it:

Listen to your thoughts when something bad happens. Does it include the words always or never? This is a sign your childhood self is speaking. You can ask yourself questions like, “When my spouse and I have a big argument, I feel……” “When I don’t complete a task, I committed to myself, I feel….” “Is that really true?” 

John Sharp, professor at Harvard Medical School, says-

1. Identifying where your narrative diverges from reality, and 
2. Questioning your beliefs are good ways to revise your narrative. 

3. EQ matters

I was taught that women need to be accommodating and agreeable, especially to men. Girls were to keep big emotions in a very small, beautifully wrapped box. I got good at this. But pushing down emotions will sooner or later take a toll. 

Through the teachings of Daniel Goleman, an internationally known psychologist, I learned that my emotional vocabulary was weak. To understand what is at the root of conflicts, the correct description of the feeling is imperative. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. 

Putting a name to a more accurate emotion will help it pass through your body.

If you could name it, you could tame it. 

Here’s how to do it:

• Awareness: Being consciously aware of your emotions and how they’re impacting you is the first step to controlling them.
• Self-compassion: Having a deep understanding and empathy for yourself is key to overcoming any emotional obstacles.
• Mindfulness: Being able to become more aware of your surroundings, and being more in the present moment, can help reduce stress and help you focus on the here and now. 

Related Reading: 5 Tips for Enhancing Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

4. Feminine energy is attractive

Enjoying a novel, walking in nature, and surrounding myself with close friends is a big piece of my happiness pie. These all necessitate embodying our feminine energy-our receiving energy-. 

Slowing down? Come on. We were groomed to be workhorses. Besides, I had to pay bills, cheer games, and do laundry with a Coke and a smile! Oh, and let’s not forget a very small waistline.

The idea of being intentional about enjoying my life and slowing down was new to me. I could continue working as always but shift to my softer side after work. 

As I gave myself permission to do things that brought a smile to my face, the quality of my marriage improved. The softer I became, the closer we got. I stopped competing with him (for the most part), and the relationship became more balanced. 

I said thank you when he offered to fix something for me and come up with a solution despite knowing I could do it myself. There must be a sensual, spur-of-the-moment one as well as a linear one leading for the romance to stay alive and not burn out. 

Ferris Bueller was right; we need to take time to smell the roses. 

Here’s how to do it:

There is a certain energy that emanates from all women, and it can be quite powerful. The marriage lesson that I learned is that we can harness this power in ways like:

• Putting our energy into things that make us happy,
• Learning how to be gentle with ourselves,
• Being clear about our boundaries.

5. It’s about your tone, not your content

Human beings are strongly reactive to tones of voice, especially when the tone is not friendly. The marriage lesson I learned too late is that in an argument, the minute his tone raises a few octaves, I start to shut down. 

My ears no longer hear, my teeth clench, and I walk away. If the delivery of those same words were exchanged in a softer, kind tone, I would listen. 

Do you love this person and want to come to an agreement? Your tone will set the stage for how the interaction will end. 

Here’s how to do it:

I’ve found that pausing and taking in a deep breath will help me discern what the next right step is. The other trick is to ask yourself, what result would you like at the end of this conversation? 

Related Reading: Your Communication Style Says a Lot 

Takeaway

So, 20 years is a long time. These marriage lessons I’ve learned from my experience thus far in marriage might not be applicable to your specific situation, but they are a launching point to creating your own healthy relationship and growing your life together!