10 Essential Tips for Restoring Intimacy in Your Marriage

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“We just don’t connect as much as we used to.”  Do you recognize your relationship in that phrase?  Or do you keep seeking ways for restoring intimacy in marriage? It is not uncommon for couples who have been married a long time to experience a drop in intimacy, both physical and emotional.  

There are many things competing for your attention: family needs, work issues, community commitments, and social lives to organize. 

Almost all couples find at some point in the curve of their relationship that they are neglecting one of the most pleasurable advantages of being married:  intimacy. And that presents a real risk because, without intimacy, your relationship can evolve into a roommate-like situation. 

That’s not what either of you signed up for, so let’s examine some ways that you can restore intimacy in your marriage and keep your bond strong and vital.

What does no intimacy in marriage mean?

No intimacy in a marriage means the absence of physical and emotional connection between partners. This can manifest in various ways, including lack of sex, affection, and communication. It can be caused by a range of factors, including stress, health issues, past trauma, and relationship problems. 

The absence of intimacy can have a significant impact on the health of a marriage and may require couples to seek professional support to address underlying issues and restore connection and intimacy.

Why do marriages lose intimacy?

Marriages can lose intimacy due to various reasons such as stress, lack of communication, unresolved conflict, infidelity, boredom, and differences in sexual desire. External factors like work or parenting demands can also impact intimacy. 

In some cases, mental health or physical issues can also contribute. It’s essential for couples to identify the underlying reasons for the loss of intimacy to take steps towards addressing the problem and rebuilding their relationship.

Grady Shumway, LMHC, says

Understanding the root causes of intimacy loss is crucial for couples to reconnect. By addressing issues such as stress, communication gaps, unresolved conflicts, and external pressures, couples can work together to revive intimacy and strengthen their bond.

5 signs of lack of intimacy in your marriage

Intimacy is an important aspect of any healthy marriage. It involves the emotional, physical, and spiritual connection between partners. However, sometimes, couples may experience a lack of intimacy in their marriage, which can lead to a breakdown in communication, emotional distance, and other relationship problems. 

Here are five signs of a lack of intimacy in your marriage:

1. Lack of communication

One of the significant signs of a lack of intimacy in a marriage is a breakdown in communication. When couples are not intimate, they may stop talking about their feelings, desires, and needs, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. 

Partners may also feel unheard or dismissed, causing them to withdraw from each other.

Learn more about how inefficient communication can ruin a marriage in this video:

2. Less time together

Couples who are not intimate may spend less time together. They may have separate schedules, different interests, or other commitments that prevent them from spending quality time together. As a result, they may feel disconnected, and their relationship may suffer.

Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why Quality Time Is So Important in a Relationship

3. Sexual issues

A lack of intimacy often results in sexual problems. Partners may experience decreased desire or difficulties with arousal or orgasm. They may also feel uncomfortable discussing sexual matters with each other or feel judged or criticized by their partner.

4. Emotional distance

Emotional detachment is among the common barriers to restoring intimacy in marriage.

Emotional distance is a common sign of a lack of intimacy. Couples may feel emotionally disconnected or indifferent towards each other. They may not feel comfortable discussing sensitive or personal topics, or they may feel misunderstood by their partner.

Grady Shumway adds,

Overcoming emotional distance requires open communication and vulnerability. Couples can rebuild intimacy by actively listening to each other, expressing empathy, and creating a safe space to share feelings and concerns.

5. Avoidance

When couples are not intimate, they may try to avoid each other. They may be less affectionate or stop engaging in activities that they used to enjoy together. They may also avoid talking about relationship problems or difficult topics, which can further worsen the situation.

Related Reading: 23 Tips to Overcome Your Conflict Avoidance Issue in Relationship

10 useful tips for restoring intimacy in your marriage

Restoring intimacy in a marriage takes time, effort, and a willingness to work together as a team. Here are some useful tips for restoring intimacy in your marriage:

1. Spend meaningful time together

Restoring intimacy in marriage starts with enough quality time together.

Often intimacy breaks down because the couple has stopped making an effort to spend time together.  Or, they think being in the same house, but with one person watching TV while the other is playing a game on the computer, is “together time.”  It isn’t. 

Spending meaningful time together means doing a physical activity that involves the two of you reaching for the same goal. Going to the movies together is not meaningful—you aren’t actively pursuing something that allows you to interact with your partner.  

How about taking a cooking class together, and then, once you’ve mastered a certain dish, preparing that for friends and family? This is an example of meaningful togetherness—you both acquire a new skill, and when you share that skill with others, it helps restore your feelings of intimacy because you did this together.

2. Improve your listening skills

Remember when you were first dating, how did you hang onto every word your partner said?  You would have never taken out your cell phone while they were talking to you, or jotted down your grocery list all while lending them a half ear.  

Go back to that way of focusing on your partner. When they come home and start telling you about their day at the office, stop what you are doing, turn your body towards them, and listen to what they are saying 100%.  

They will feel validated, and you will feel closer to them, all because you gave them your full attention.

Related Reading: How Does Listening Affect Relationships

3. And, speaking of listening, do it empathetically

Looking for restoring intimacy in marriage? Just listen. When your spouse shares with you a worry or concern, you have a natural tendency to try and fix things for him.  

Try empathy rather than problem-solving the next time they come home and complain about their day. “I understand,” or “Tell me more,”  or “How can I help?” are good phrases to use that will coax your spouse to keep on talking. 

Often, when people complain, they aren’t looking for a solution.  They are merely seeking to feel heard and supported. Increase your intimacy by just being a good sounding board of understanding.

4. Express appreciation

How to bring back intimacy in a marriage? Compliment! It’s a great way of rebuilding intimacy in marriage.

This can be in many forms, from the small “thank you” when your spouse does a favor for you to the unexpected “I am so grateful for your presence in my life.”  Try expressing appreciation to your spouse at least once a day, and watch how your feelings of intimacy grow. 

You are not only making your spouse glow with pleasure at being recognized, but you are contributing to your own stock of gratitude as you remind yourself that the person you married is a great human being.

5. Go to bed together

Couples often have separate bedtimes. One of you might want to stay up late to finish household chores or get a head start on the next day’s obligations, or there might be a television series you are addicted to and need to get in “just one more episode” before turning in for the evening. 

All of these things deprive your couple of intimacy and over time can put it at risk. There is nothing better for enhancing your feeling of closeness than having a common bedtime. Even if it is just to sleep, it is beneficial to hit the hay together. 

If this leads to something more, like a great session of lovemaking, all the better! This is highly recommended for restoring intimacy in marriage.

6. Eat together, and do only that

People are always on the look for how to restore intimacy in marriage or how to get the intimacy back in your marriage should have at least one meal together.

If dinner is the only meal you can eat together, make it a meal experience.  No television viewing (get that TV out of your dining area!). 

Set a nice table (involve the children in this task so they feel part of contributing to the family experience), and make sure that everyone is fully present during the meal. (No phones at the table.)  

If it is just you and your spouse, tune into each other as you dine, take your time, and remember to express gratitude for the work involved in making this nice moment.

7. Make it a point to make love

Never take this for granted.  So many couples find they need to postpone lovemaking due to other obligations. This is a mistake. 

Even if one of you is not really “feeling it,” move forward with the caresses and the touching…you’ll often find that your desire will come along quite naturally if you just give this a little push.  

Lovemaking is the ultimate intimate act, and keeping it on the calendar will help restore intimacy in your marriage.

8. Touch base in small ways during the day

Restoring intimacy in marriage is all about little, day-to-day gestures.

Sending texts, a quick check-in via a phone call, or sharing a funny meme via email—these are small ways to remind your spouse that they are in your thoughts.  

If you sense a feeling of disconnection in your marriage, it is worth trying some of the above advice to work on restoring intimacy with your partner.  Intimacy is an essential ingredient for the health and happiness of your relationship, and with a little effort, it can be rekindled.

9. Improve communication

Effective communication is vital in restoring intimacy in a marriage. Take the time to listen to your partner and make sure that you understand their needs and desires. Be honest and open about your feelings, and avoid blaming or criticizing your partner. 

How to improve intimacy? Share positive experiences together, and express appreciation and gratitude towards each other regularly 

Related Reading: 5 Steps to Effective Communication With Your Spouse

10. Reconnect through shared activities

Wondering about restoring intimacy in marriage or how to regain intimacy? Engaging in shared activities can effectively help in restoring intimacy in marriage. 

Plan date nights or weekends away to spend quality time together. Engage in activities that you both enjoy, such as hobbies, sports, or cultural events. Focus on being present and enjoying each other’s company without distractions.

Some more questions

Marital disconnect can happen to any couple, and it’s essential to recognize and address it to maintain a healthy relationship. In this section, we answer some common questions on this topic and offer tips for improving connection and intimacy.

• Can intimacy be restored in a marriage?

Yes, intimacy can be restored in a marriage through communication, empathy, and effort from both partners. It requires acknowledging and addressing underlying issues, working on trust and forgiveness, and making time for physical and emotional connection. 

Seeking professional help from a therapist for marriage counseling can also aid in the restoration of intimacy in a marriage.

• How do you fix a sexless marriage?

Fixing a sexless marriage involves identifying the underlying causes, such as stress, medical issues, or relationship problems, and addressing them with open communication, empathy, and professional help if necessary. Rekindling intimacy can also involve experimenting with new ways of physical and emotional connection and prioritizing time for each other.

Reconnect with your better half

Restoring intimacy in a marriage is a gradual process that requires patience, effort, and a willingness to work through underlying issues. By communicating openly, building trust, and making time for physical and emotional connection, couples can rekindle their passion and strengthen their bond. 

Seeking professional help can also provide invaluable guidance and support in restoring intimacy and saving a marriage.