Why is Emotional Intimacy Considered Kind of Love Affair?

I hear from many of my married, or otherwise committed, clients who wonder about their partner’s other relationships.

Feeling heavy hearted with jealousy or fear, either a husband or wife will come to my office asking how they will know if they are dealing with emotional intimacy that will soon cascade into a full-blown love affair, leaving them to sort out the rubble, or if they are just over reacting.

We are bombarded by movies, TV series, and the stories from friends and family, scaring us into thinking that a potential affair is lurking right around the next corner.

Pulling away because of a disinterest in confrontation

Even without outside influences, they may sense their partner has been pulling away from them and seems to have developed a new “friend” at work who texts often and they have recently had more late nights working on a project in the office.

Is this feeling of disconnect, or are they pulling away because of a disinterest in confrontation, blame, or suspicion?

You know the old saying which goes something like this: “we bring about that which we think about and focus upon.”

In my practice, I have found that sometimes they were correct to sense betrayal and other times the reason for their partner pulling away was because they felt betrayed by a partner who “can’t possibly know their true character to believe they would ever be unfaithful.” Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Fearful thinking or the event?

What if we could live life knowing we’d be okay no matter what?

What if we always remembered who we truly are: At our essence, we are part of the entire Universe having a human experience. All the wise masters, through the ages, have said this in different ways.

Armed with that understanding, if we sensed our partner pulling away, instead of taking it personally and guessing what is wrong, we would go to him or her and ask from a place of kindness and concern – devoid of judgment and condemnation.

We would truly want to know what was going on for them out of care

We would truly want to know what was going on for them out of care and concern. It’s not about what they are doing to us, but rather, what they are doing to themselves with their own thinking. Can you see the difference? It’s huge.

That’s the value of knowing the true essence of humanity, but for our negative thinking, we are bundles of love. I had a young female client who would say, “my human is showing” when sharing a story about some human error she had made.

I have borrowed her phrase often to make the point that the human ego is always close by and we are apt to fall for it’s antics, because we are human.

In the moments we personalize things, we may be causing a bigger mess, but it’s innocent. Who wouldn’t want to respond wisely, rather than over-react to a situation?

An affair that saved a marriage

I’ll bet that heading caught your attention! It did mine!

I saw it in a magazine somewhere and it stopped me dead in my tracks. As I read, I realized the author was writing about his personal story of plotting to seduce his office partner.

He imagined little gifts he’d buy her and notes and texts he would leave for her. He planned trips to sneak away with her and leave the office early. Then he realized he could do all of this with his wife and avoid a lot of terrible things. Can you guess what happened? Of course, they fell deeper into love.

He was paying attention to his inner dialogue rather than to his wife. No wonder they felt disconnected.

Communication goes a long way, you will deepen your emotional connection with open, honest communication that emanates from love and respect.

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Lori Carpenos, LMFT Marriage & Family Therapist

Lori Carpenos, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Connecticut, where she maintains a private practice. She is also a global online relationship coach and coauthor of The Secret of Love, Unlock the Mystery, Unleash the Magic Lori is a member of 3 Principles Global Community:... Read more 3PGC.org, a non-profit created to disseminate the understanding of the Mind that Mr. Banks uncovered in 1973 which describes how we use the Mind either to our advantage, or against ourselves and our relationships. This understanding has assisted, and in some cases, completely turned relationships around, some of these stories can be found in The Secret of Love...  Lori offers retreats and coaching packages as well. Read less

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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