Male Domestic Violence in Marriage: Men Can Be Victims Too

As much as this may not be the most popular conversation, male domestic violence in marriage is a lot more common than you may have imagined. Over the years, more cases of female domestic violence have been reported and handled – but this doesn’t mean that men are off the hook in this regard. 

A recent survey polled by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) revealed that 1 in 4 men had experienced some form of domestic violence by an intimate partner. These numbers are slightly behind the numbers for female domestic violence. 

If anything, this reiterates the fact that men aren’t entirely absolved of being victims of abuse. navigating domestic abuse, as a man, can be completely different because admitting it can sometimes feel emasculating. 

This is why many men would rather keep their stories to themselves and refuse to seek professional help following the trauma they’ve just undergone. This article will help you if you have been a victim of domestic violence against men. 

Here, you will discover what to do following male domestic violence in marriage, some practical steps to heal from the trauma of the past, and how to reach the bright future you deserve.    

What is domestic violence against men? 

Male domestic violence in a marriage can be defined as violence or any other form of abuse (physical, emotional, or psychological) targeted toward men in a domestic setting, such as in a marriage or cohabitation.  

The ultimate aim of domestically abusing a man in this way is for his partner to have their way with him, coerce him into doing what he would rather not do, or just for the power play that comes with domestic abuse. 

At this point, we must keep in mind that domestic violence in men doesn’t only occur when there’s a physical fight that ends up with livid welts on the man’s body. Acts of domestic violence may be verbal, physical, emotional, or psychological. 

Signs of male domestic violence

Here’s the thing. 

You may be a victim of domestic violence for a long time without even knowing it. This is because some people are skilled at shrouding their actions and making you accept what isn’t right for yourself. 

These 5 signs will help you confirm if you’re one of the male victims of domestic violence.  

1. Blackmailing or threatening

This is one of the most common forms of male domestic violence. You may have even experienced it sometime in the past without identifying it for what it is.

When an intimate partner begins to threaten that they will expose or reveal sensitive details about you to the public or some other people in exchange for having their way with you (maybe getting something from you or changing your mind on a subject), that could be a sign of abuse.   

As an independent man, your right to autonomy (making decisions by yourself) should not be taken away from you. 

2. Verbal abuse 

A partner who always resorts to verbal lashes, name-calling, or the excessive use of cuss words/profanities (especially when you’ve had a misunderstanding) is abusive.  Pay close attention to the way your partner speaks to you in the midst of an argument. 

3. Emotional manipulation and gaslighting

This is another common form of male domestic violence in marriage and the worst part about this is that it can go undetected for a long time. Considering that this doesn’t come with strong language or physical violence, it is easy to miss the signs. 

Signs of emotional manipulation include threatening to hurt themselves because of you, excessive guilt-tripping (especially when the blame should go to them), and/or attempts to make you doubt your clear judgment after they have engaged in unacceptable behavior.   

Read about the 4 signs of emotional abuse in this video:

4. Attempts at controlling you

Impulsive control is another form of domestic abuse in men. When you’re with a partner who keeps checking your phone, demands access to all your accounts, and exhibits insane levels of possessiveness, you may just be a male victim of domestic abuse. 

5. Physical abuse

This form of abuse is easier to spot because it comes with violence and inflicts instant pain on the body. Beating, shoving, slapping, and any other form of physical assault qualify to be in this category. 

5 ways domestic violence affects males 

Domestic violence affects males in multiple ways. Some of them are obvious, while others may be more subtle. Here are 5 effects of male domestic violence in marriage.  

1. Low self-esteem  

Studies have proven that victims of domestic violence tend to battle low-self esteem for some time. The words, actions, and attitude they’ve received from a toxic partner build up in their subconscious, affecting their psyche. 

Hence, it is not unusual to see male victims of domestic violence struggling with low self-esteem. They may find it difficult to accept compliments and struggle with socializing. 

This low self-esteem will end up affecting every other aspect of his life. His productivity at work may drop, he may find it difficult to make a killer presentation the next time he has to deliver a pitch to potential investors, and his dating prospects may dramatically drop. 

What started as a single act of male domestic violence in marriage soon becomes a monster that quietly eats him up from the inside out. 

Related Reading: 10 Signs of Low Self Esteem in a Man

2. Tendency to continue the cycle 

There’s a popular quote that “hurt people hurt people.” As far as male domestic violence in marriage is concerned, this quote is 100% true. 

When a man who has undergone domestic violence gets into a new relationship without dealing with the pain and trauma from his past, there’s every tendency that he would repeat the same cycle he picked up from his past toxic relationship. 

Hence, he begins to nag excessively, misinterprets all his partner’s nice gestures, and can even get physical at various times. 

Then again, male victims of domestic abuse may suffer strained relationships with the rest of their families. When a man’s children get used to seeing a grumpy version of their father (not knowing that his terrible moods are caused by domestic violence), they may choose to stay away from him. 

If left unattended, this can create a loop of dysfunctional families and breed resentment between a man and other members of his family, like his children and/or siblings. 

3. He becomes antisocial 

Previous studies show that men find it more difficult to talk about domestic violence than women. This explains why most men would rather keep their stories and experiences to themselves instead of opening up to someone – even if that person is a therapist.  

Many male victims of domestic violence tend to become antisocial after these traumatizing experiences. They may avoid public appearances, keep a wide distance from their friends, and avoid emotional connections with people for a long time. 

4. He may feel left alone 

Many of the laws that protect people from domestic violence are women and children-centered. For  some reasons, most institutions don’t exactly admit that men can be victims too, and when they do, there aren’t as many resources to help these men recoup. 

Considering these factors, a man may feel compelled to internalize his pain and come up with coping mechanisms for himself. Instead of seeking professional help, he may end up picking up some terrible habits to ease the pain and loneliness he feels.

This is why many men end up with toxic habits after being subjected to domestic violence. For example, a man can begin to smoke, drink, and eat carelessly to cope with the pain he feels within. 

If he has been a victim of sexual violence, he may end up keeping multiple sexual partners in an attempt to drown his sorrows and avoid the elephant in the room. 

5. Institutional discrimination 

People may look at you in a funny way if, during a board meeting, you admit that you’ve been a victim of male domestic violence in marriage. This is because of the long-held societal beliefs that man should always be in charge and call the shots.   

Admitting to this can feel emasculating. If extra care isn’t taken, a man can face serious discrimination at work if he ever admits to being a victim. This is also another reason why many men would rather figure things out by themselves instead of seeking help from others. 

5 types of male domestic violence in marriage 

These are the 5 types of domestic abuse that relate to men in marriage and committed relationships. 

1. Physical abuse 

When your partner causes you physical harm through hitting, beating, slapping, or physically assaulting you, they are being violent. 

2. Verbal abuse 

This involves the use of cuss words, insults, and constant ill-intentioned jabs aimed at making you feel worthless or manipulating you into doing your partner’s bidding against your wish. Slander and character  defamation also qualify to be in this category. 

Related Reading: What Is Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize and Avoid Verbal Beatings

3. Financial abuse 

This occurs when your partner is more financially stable than you. They resort to getting their way or punishing you by withholding financial benefits from you. This could include abdicating their responsibilities, withdrawing prearranged financial stipends, or taking total control of their finances.   

4. Sexual violence 

Sexual violence happens when an intimate partner forces themself on you or coerces you into sexual activities you’re not comfortable with. 

Studies conducted by the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show that about 1 in 3 men have experienced sexual violence from an intimate partner, while about 9 men have been made to penetrate someone without their consent. 

Sexual violence may be more common than you expected and you must train yourself to spot this when it shows up. Does your partner constantly try to make you do what you aren’t comfortable with in the bedroom? That may be your cue.  

5. Psychological violence 

This is the name given to all acts of violence that affect the psyche of the victim. They include attempts at emotional manipulation, gaslighting, narcissism, and many other examples of domestic abuse.

What to do if you’re a victim of domestic violence against men    

Are you currently dealing with the aftermath of male domestic violence in marriage or relationships in general? Here are some practical strategies that can help you break free right now. 

1. Understand that it wasn’t your fault 

The first step toward getting total healing from a traumatizing past is to extend yourself the grace of acknowledging that it wasn’t your fault you were a victim. One of the emotions that follow male domestic abuse is self-guilt and self-loathing. 

It is easy to get fixated on the things you did wrong, which made your partner become abusive to you. When you look at things like this, you’ll only end up making excuses for them and heaping the entire blame on yourself. This shouldn’t be the case.  

“It wasn’t your fault.”

This little mantra will free you from the emotional shackles you may be fighting with and allow you to start your journey to complete healing. 

2. Take yourself out of that situation 

The next step, as you get over the pain of being a victim of male domestic abuse in the marriage, is to take yourself out of that situation. This could mean leaving the relationship, putting some space between yourself and your partner, or strengthening your emotional defenses. 

One of the reasons why your partner seems to weld this much energy over you is because they have put you in a position where they can always toy with your emotions. The first step to regaining your power is to move out. 

Consider getting a new house. Consider calling off the relationship/marriage. Do all you can to get out of that physical space – at least for now. 

3. Practice self-care

The concept of self-care is one that many men tend to overlook because they think it is feminine. When dealing with domestic abuse, you need all the positivity you can get. One way to increase the good things happening for you right now is to make them happen by yourself.  

Take some time off work. Travel to different parts of the world (if you can afford that). Experience new cultures. Go sightseeing. Take on a new hobby you’ve always wanted. Try your hands on new skills. 

The idea behind self-care is to give you that emotional boost you may be lacking and speed up your journey toward recovering your self-esteem. 

While at it, keep in mind that self-care doesn’t have to cost an arm and leg. It involves the little things like being more mindful of the things you say to yourself and only using positive words in yourself-conversations. It also involves paying closer attention to your sleep routines. 

Related Reading: The 5 Pillars of Self-Care

4. Practice mindfulness through journaling 

Journaling is one powerful way to stay in touch with your emotions, identify negative thought patterns, and declutter your mind. As you deal with the aftermath of domestic violence, embrace guided journaling. 

Consider making a routine out of it. Every morning (or night), take out your journal and write down the most dominant thoughts you dwelt on throughout the day. Take note of the conversations you had and the way the people you interacted with made you feel. 

Among many other things, journaling makes you more self-aware. By making guided journaling a part of your everyday routine, you will soon learn to let go of the past. 

5. Give it time 

Don’t let the mantra, “take it like a man,” make you lose touch with your emotions. Healing from the effects of being a victim of male domestic violence in a marriage can sometimes take time.

On some days, you’ll feel on top of the world, while other days will leave you feeling dejected. It is only to be expected. 

Don’t beat yourself up because you weren’t able to process everything that happened to you and move on with the speed of light.  Give yourself the time, grace, and space to heal.

6. Seek professional help 

We cannot finish the conversation about men and domestic violence without discussing the role of professionals as you journey toward complete healing. Depending on the extent of the damage you may have suffered, you may need the help of a therapist to completely move on. 

Choose a professional and compassionate therapist who will be empathetic enough to guide you through this journey of self-rediscovery and healing. While at it, ensure you surround yourself with a network of people who are genuinely rooting for you to be fine.      

Additional questions 

Here are some commonly asked questions concerning domestic violence and men and their answers.  

• Where can you find domestic violence helplines and counseling? 

The American Government has created an independent body known as the Domestic Violence Resource Network (DVRN). This organization exists to help people recover from the effects of domestic violence and get their lives back on track.  

To get started, check out their website or call their helpline on 800-537-2238. 

If you would rather opt in for therapy immediately, then consider our couples therapy solution. Don’t get carried away by the name. It works perfectly for individuals too. 

• How can a man file a legal case if he’s being subjected to domestic abuse? 

Successfully filing a legal case begins with identifying what you’re being made to go through as wrong. You won’t see the need to file a lawsuit if you’re still comfortable with domestic violence as a male. 

Afterward, talk to your lawyer and explain the situation to them. Considering the uniqueness of your case, they will be better equipped to handle the case or refer you to expert litigators in that field. 

• Can you call it domestic abuse if it doesn’t involve physical assault? 

Yes, you can. 

If you recall, we covered 5 types of domestic abuse, and physical violence is just 1 out of 5. If your partner constantly exhibits any of those traits we identified in this article, it could mean you’re being subjected to domestic violence as a male. 

Domestic violence is unacceptable for everyone

Male domestic violence in marriage may be more common than you may have thought. The downside is that it comes with too many negative consequences, most of which can ruin you and your family forever. 

If you’ve been a victim, don’t hesitate to get out of that toxic scenario and give yourself the space you need to start healing. Seek professional help via therapy, start practicing self-care, and keep your fingers crossed. 

You can still meet an amazing partner in the future, someone who will treat you like the king you are.