15 Pensive Reasons to Stop Explaining Yourself During Arguments

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Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. – Robert Tew.

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument with your partner where you’re desperately trying to explain your point of view, but it feels like you’re talking to a brick wall? 

Ever find yourself wondering, “Why do I always feel the need to justify myself?” “Why does explaining my perspective lead to more conflict?” “Is it possible to just stop explaining myself?”

Pause for a moment. 

You don’t have to explain yourself endlessly to be understood or validated. 

Here, we’ll talk about some compelling reasons why you should stop explaining yourself during arguments and how it can transform your relationship. 

Over-explaining can lead to increased stress and miscommunication, exacerbating conflicts rather than resolving them.

Research has evidence that poor communication can result in various negative outcomes for a situation.

By understanding that you don’t have to explain yourself all the time, you reclaim your peace and self-respect.

Why do we explain ourselves during arguments?

Explaining ourselves during arguments is a natural response, driven by various emotions and perspectives. 

Sometimes, we just want to be understood, believing that if we can articulate our point well enough, the other person will finally get it. Other times, we might be trying to justify our actions to alleviate guilt or to defend ourselves against accusations.

In scenarios where emotions run high, explaining feels like a way to bridge the gap and resolve the conflict. However, this often backfires, leading to more frustration. 

Recognize that you don’t have to explain yourself constantly. Trying to stop explaining yourself can be liberating, reducing the stress of endless justifications.

You should never explain yourself to anyone who refuses to see your perspective. Understanding that it’s okay to say, “I don’t explain myself under pressure,” can kickstart healthier communication in your relationships.

Why explaining yourself is not always the best course

Understanding when to explain yourself and when to hold back is vital for maintaining peace and respect in relationships.

When explaining helps

In certain situations, explaining yourself can bring you closer to understanding and resolution. 

For instance, in a calm discussion with a supportive friend or partner, sharing your perspective can clarify misunderstandings and strengthen your bond. It’s about creating a mutual space where both parties feel heard and respected.

When explaining hurts

However, in high-conflict scenarios or with someone who’s unwilling to listen, explaining yourself can fuel the fire. 

Endless justifications can lead to more arguments, leaving you feeling frustrated and unheard. In these cases, it’s better to stop explaining yourself and set boundaries. Constantly asking, “Do I have to explain myself?” can help you gauge if the effort is worth it.

Knowing when to hold back

Sometimes, silence and self-assurance speak louder than words. You don’t owe explanations to everyone, especially those who repeatedly dismiss your feelings. Trust your judgment and remember, it’s okay to stop explaining yourself when it no longer serves your peace and well-being.

7 common mistakes people make when explaining themselves

When we find ourselves in a position where we feel the need to explain ourselves, it is often driven by a genuine desire to be understood and to resolve conflicts. However, it is important to recognize that even with the best intentions, we can make mistakes when explaining ourselves. 

These mistakes can impede effective communication and hinder the clarity and understanding we seek. By understanding and acknowledging these common missteps, we can improve our ability to convey our thoughts and feelings more effectively. 

Let’s explore some of these common mistakes that can occur despite our pure intentions when explaining ourselves.

1. Going too deep too quickly

It is important to start with the surface level of an explanation and only delve deeper if necessary. This avoids overwhelming the listener with unnecessary details or information they may not be interested in.

2. Over-detailing

People often feel the need to provide extensive justifications or explanations for their actions or decisions. This can result in information overload and may dilute the main point they are trying to convey. 

It is a lesser known fact that over-explanation can stem from past experiences of a person. Dr. Caroline Leaf, in her research, looks at over-explaining as a trauma response. 

3. Adding disclaimers

Using phrases like “I’m not sure if you’ll agree, but…” or “This may be an unpopular opinion, but…” before making a statement can undermine the confidence and clarity of the explanation. Such disclaimers can make the person sound unsure or insecure about their own beliefs.

4. Assuming others can read their minds

Sometimes, individuals assume that others have the same background knowledge or context they do, leading to misunderstandings in their explanations. It is important to provide sufficient context and background information to ensure better understanding.

5. Not considering the audience

Failing to adapt the delivery of an explanation to the knowledge level and perspective of the listener can lead to miscommunication. Adjusting the vocabulary, examples, and level of detail to suit the audience can enhance clarity and comprehension.

6. Becoming defensive

When feeling the need to explain oneself, it is common to become defensive and focus more on proving oneself right rather than fostering understanding or finding a resolution. Stop justifying yourself repeatedly, as this defensive stance can hinder effective communication and escalate conflicts.

7. Neglecting active listening

While explaining oneself, it is essential to also actively listen to the other person’s perspective and concerns. Neglecting this can lead to a one-sided conversation, further exacerbating misunderstandings, disagreements, or over-explaining in a relationship. 

15 reasons to stop explaining yourself during an argument

It can be tempting to explain yourself when you’re in the middle of an argument. You might try to explain your actions or why you think someone reacted negatively to what you did. 

But there are several reasons to stop explaining yourself, especially if you want to stop arguing and move on with your day.

1. You base your self-worth on the opinions of others

You can stop explaining yourself, as this is a dangerous way to live because it means that other people’s opinions are dictating your self-worth. When you often feel that you have to justify yourself to other people, it might make you feel bad about yourself and cause anxiety.

Christiana Njoku, LPC, says

Don’t let what other people think about you determine your reality. Your self-worth should not depend on others’ opinions. 

Also, it’s unfair to you—you shouldn’t have to live your life based on other people’s opinions. Instead, base your self-worth on internal factors. 

Take a look at all the good and right things about you, and focus on those qualities. You get back your sense of self-worth and confidence by not explaining yourself. 

Friend: “Why did you choose that path? It doesn’t make sense to me.”

You: “I’m happy with my choice, and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.”

2. You are losing faith in yourself

When you are constantly explaining yourself, it becomes a pattern of behavior in which you feel you have to justify your choices. This is frustrating and exhausting! 

If someone disagrees with something that you did or said, it does not mean they don’t trust you or think less of you. Instead, stop explaining yourself and try taking responsibility for what happened instead of blaming others for your mistakes.

Partner: “Why did you handle it that way?”

You: “I made a decision based on what I thought was best. I don’t need to explain myself for every choice I make.”

3. You find it difficult to stay on track

We all make mistakes, but it can be hard to stay on track when you constantly explain yourself. You may not even realize how much time you spend thinking about what others think of you, which means that you might not notice how much effort is being put into this behavior. 

Instead, try taking some time to be alone with your thoughts and reflect on why these issues are so important to you.

Colleague: “Why did you take that approach?”

You: “I made a choice based on my understanding. I prefer to focus on moving forward rather than explaining every decision.”

4. You may be missing the big picture

It is easy to get stuck in your head and think that everyone is always thinking about you, but this isn’t true. 

The more time you spend explaining yourself or trying to avoid situations where you might be judged, the less likely it is that you will be able to focus on what matters. 

You may also find that you are starting to lose perspective on how others view you, which means that you might start changing your life based on things that don’t matter as much as you think.

Family Member: “Why did you do it that way?”

You: “I did what felt right for me at the time. I don’t need to explain myself constantly.”

5. You are not being sincere

It is hard to be yourself when you constantly worry about what other people think. This can lead to feeling like a fraud and like you don’t know who you are anymore. 

It also means that you will have less energy for things that truly matter because you are always spending your mental resources trying to ensure that no one judges you poorly. 

So, learning how to stop over-explaining yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

Friend: “Why are you always acting differently around them?”

You: “I am who I am, and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone about that.”

6. You feel powerless

You can do whatever you want with your life, but if you allow yourself to be ruled by other people’s opinions, it is easy for them to take that away from you. You are constantly changing to please other people and their opinions instead of standing firm on your beliefs. 

Having to explain yourself in a relationship repeatedly is a problem because your life doesn’t belong to anyone else. It is yours and should reflect who you are and what you want out of life. 

If you always try to live up to other people’s expectations, they will take away your power over time.

Partner: “Why do you always need to justify yourself?”

You: “I realize now that I don’t need to explain myself to anyone to feel valid or powerful.”

7. You are in danger of making bad decisions

Life is full of choices, and every single one can hugely impact your life and the lives of those around you. 

If you allow yourself to be distracted or influenced by the opinions of others, then it can be easy to make poor decisions that negatively affect your life in the long run. 

So, if you always feel the need to explain yourself, you are most likely not true to yourself. You may be trying to please other people, or you may feel as though your opinions don’t matter.

Friend: “Why did you go along with that decision?”

You: “I realized that I don’t need to explain myself. My choices are my own, and I need to trust them.”

8. You are losing touch with what’s important

If the opinions of others are constantly influencing you, it can be easy to lose touch with reality. You may have difficulty making decisions that are right for you, which can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle. 

So, if you feel your emotions are not your own, then there is probably a good reason for this happening.

Family Member: “Why did you stop doing what you love?”

You: “I’ve decided to follow what’s important to me. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone about my passions.”

9. You are being very defensive

Constantly explaining yourself because you’re defensive can signify that you are not happy with yourself. 

You may feel you have to justify your actions and statements to keep the people around you happy, but this will only lead to more problems in the future.

Colleague: “Why are you always so defensive?”

You: “I don’t need to explain myself to feel secure in my decisions.”

10. You are losing the respect of people around you

Lastly, it would help if you stopped explaining yourself because you’re losing other people’s respect. When you constantly explain yourself, it can come across as if you are not confident with who you are. 

This will make other people think that they know better than you do and may cause them to lose respect for your decisions in the future.

Friend: “Why do you always feel the need to justify your actions?”

You: “I don’t need to explain myself to anyone to earn respect. My actions speak for themselves.”

11. You might perpetuate a cycle of defensiveness

One more reason for not explaining yourself during arguments is that it can perpetuate a cycle of defensiveness. When you constantly feel the need to explain yourself, it can lead to a back-and-forth of justifications and counter-arguments, making the argument escalate and prolonging the conflict. 

By refraining from explaining yourself, you can break this cycle and instead focus on finding a resolution or understanding.

Partner: “Why do you always defend yourself so aggressively?”

You: “I realize that I don’t need to explain myself to end this cycle of defensiveness. Let’s find a resolution instead.”

12. You erode your confidence

Explaining yourself too often can gradually erode your self-confidence. Constantly justifying your actions or thoughts can make you second-guess yourself, leading to self-doubt. When you begin to question your decisions and judgments, it undermines your confidence, making it harder to trust your instincts.

For example, if you always find yourself explaining why you chose a particular career path to others, it can make you doubt whether you made the right choice. Instead of feeling secure in your decision, you start to wonder if you need external validation to feel confident.

Husband: “Why did you choose that career? It seems impractical.”

You: “I don’t need to explain myself to anyone about my career choices. I am confident in my decisions and the path I’ve chosen.”

13. You miss opportunities for growth

When you’re focused on explaining yourself, you might miss out on valuable opportunities for growth and self-improvement. By constantly defending your actions, you may not be open to constructive criticism or new perspectives that could help you grow.

For instance, if a colleague provides feedback on your work and you immediately go into explanation mode, you might miss the chance to learn from their insights. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity to improve, you see it as an attack on your abilities.

Colleague: “I think this part of your project could be improved.”

You: “I appreciate your feedback. I don’t need to explain myself; I’m here to learn and grow from constructive criticism.”

14. You compromise your authenticity

Explaining yourself too much can lead to compromising your authenticity. When you’re constantly justifying your actions to please others, you might start making choices that don’t align with your true self. This can make you feel disconnected from who you really are.

For example, if you always explain why you prefer certain hobbies or interests to fit in with a group, you might end up pursuing activities you don’t genuinely enjoy. This can lead to dissatisfaction and a sense of living a life that isn’t truly yours.

Friend: “Why do you like such unconventional hobbies?”

You: “I enjoy these hobbies because they make me happy. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.”

15. You undermine your boundaries

Constantly explaining yourself can undermine your personal boundaries. When you feel the need to justify your actions, it often means you’re allowing others to question your limits and invade your personal space. Maintaining firm boundaries is essential for your well-being and self-respect.

For instance, if you need time alone to recharge but find yourself explaining why to others, you might compromise your need for solitude. Instead of standing firm, you might give in to social pressures, leading to burnout and resentment.

Family Member: “Why don’t you want to come to the party?”

You: “I need some time to myself to recharge. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone about needing personal time.”

How to stop explaining yourself in an argument with a partner

To stop explaining yourself in an argument with a partner, firstly, take a step back and breathe. Remind yourself that you have the right to your own thoughts and feelings. 

Practice active listening and focus on understanding your partner’s perspective instead of defending your own first. 

Use “I” statements to express your needs and emotions without over-explaining. Be assertive and set healthy boundaries. Remember, you don’t always have to convince or justify your point of view – sometimes agreeing to disagree is okay.

Watch this video to learn more about how to fight smarter in a relationship with help from Licensed Therapist Esther Perel:

Being authentic and assertive

Constructive arguments happen when you recognize when to stop explaining yourself. 

It’s about trusting your instincts and valuing your decisions without the need for constant justification. By freeing yourself from the burden of endless explanations, you reclaim your power and self-worth. 

This shift not only enhances your relationships but also promotes personal growth and inner peace. Moving forward, embrace the mantra: “I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.” 

This mindset will empower you to live more authentically and confidently, making choices that truly align with your values and desires. Remember, your journey is uniquely yours, and you owe it to yourself to live it unapologetically.