11 Signs of a Covert Narcissist and How to Handle

Does someone in your life leave you feeling constantly criticized, belittled, or manipulated? 

You might be in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Unlike their flamboyant counterparts, covert narcissists operate under the radar, often appearing shy or self-deprecating.

But beneath the surface, they crave validation and have a fragile sense of self-esteem. This subtle form of narcissism can be particularly insidious, making it challenging to identify and even harder to address.

Covert narcissists can create a toxic environment, causing significant emotional harm while maintaining an outward facade of humility and sensitivity.

Understanding the covert narcissism characteristics and behaviors is crucial for recognizing and dealing with their impact on your life and relationship.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological or therapeutic advice. If you suspect you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it is important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

What does covert narcissism mean?

Imagine someone who always seems humble and self-effacing, yet somehow, you end up feeling belittled and undermined after interacting with them. This is often the hallmark of a covert narcissist.

So, who is a convert narcissist? 

Unlike overt narcissists who openly seek admiration, covert narcissists crave validation but hide it behind a facade of modesty. They might appear introverted or shy, masking their deep-seated need for attention. This subtle approach can make their manipulative behaviors harder to spot.

Covert narcissism involves fragile self-esteem and a persistent need for validation, leading to passive-aggressive tactics to control and belittle others while maintaining an innocent front.

11 potential signs of a covert narcissist in a relationship

It might be more difficult to identify a covert narcissist because of their generally introverted and reserved nature. However, by looking at some of these covert narcissist signs, you might be able to recognize if your partner is one.

By checking these signs, you can more easily decide whether to seek help from a trained professional or therapist for couples counseling on handling personality disorders.

1. High sensitivity to criticism

One of the ways to recognize someone with covert narcissist traits is by how they respond to criticism. Not everyone loves being criticized, but some people respond more aggressively than others.

For instance, people might make sarcastic comments to deflect the impact when criticized. A covert narcissist is more likely to make sarcastic comments to minimize the effects of the criticism.

According to Grady Shumway, a licensed mental health counselor:

Covert narcissists often react to criticism with heightened sensitivity, using sarcasm or deflection to mask their vulnerability. Recognizing this pattern can help you navigate interactions with them more effectively, fostering healthier communication.

However, most people may internally feel bad, angry, and spiteful because of the criticism.

A covert narcissist may see criticism as a threat because it usually comes with proof that reflects their identity. When they are criticized, they may feel that other people know who they are, and they want to avoid this.

What They Might Say	How to React
"I guess I can't do anything right in your eyes."	Respond calmly and clarify your intention. For example, "I'm not saying you do everything wrong, but this specific thing needs improvement."

2. Inferiority complex

People may think that all narcissists show a superiority complex because it is part of their basic traits. However, it would interest you to know that a covert narcissist may exhibit signs of inferiority and self-doubt. 

For example, they may constantly seek validation to avoid mistakes and blame before making decisions.

They may find it challenging to make crucial decisions because they dislike making mistakes and receiving blame or criticism.

Covert narcissists may also likely compare themselves to others and might feel bad if they do not meet other people’s standards. Such people may need constant validation and reassurance to feel better.

What They Might Say	How to React
"Do you think I did okay? I always mess things up."	Offer reassurance but set boundaries. For example, "You did well, but it's important to have confidence in your decisions without seeking constant validation."

3. Self-absorption

Just like overt narcissists, covert narcissists tend to be self-absorbed. They may prefer to be focused on what is beneficial to them instead of thinking of other people. 

Similarly, they are likely to use other people to get what they want, and this may include emotional manipulation.

They might, for instance, use others to achieve their goals, showing a lack of empathy. 

They might use triangulation, gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, love bombing, and other means of manipulation to achieve their goal. It is imperative to note that empathy is often absent in a covert narcissist relationship.

A covert narcissist will likely not see things from another individual’s perspective. As a result, they may be less concerned about other people except if they can gain something from them.

What They Might Say	How to React
"You wouldn't understand; it's a complicated issue that only I can handle."	Acknowledge their feelings but assert your perspective. For example, "I understand it's complex, but let's discuss it together to find a solution."

4. Passive aggression

Another way to identify a covert narcissist is that they might be passively aggressive. Covert narcissists may use passive aggression so that they can look superior to other people. 

One of the reasons for this is that they feel they are special and entitled to anything they want.

For example, they might give the silent treatment or make derisive jokes to assert superiority.

In some cases, they might want to take revenge on people who have treated them poorly before. Some passive-aggressive behaviors include silent treatment, procrastinating seemingly unimportant tasks, blame-shifting, and derisive jokes.

What They Might Say	How to React
"Oh, sure, I'll do it... eventually." (with a sarcastic tone)	Address the behavior directly. For example, "I noticed you're upset. Let's talk about what's bothering you."

5. Withdrawn or shy

You can recognize a covert narcissist by their withdrawn or shy nature. Most of them are more introverted than other categories of narcissists. 

Someone with covert narcissism might be afraid of people discovering their weaknesses. So, they may avoid too many people to reduce the chances of getting exposed.

For instance, they might skip social gatherings unless they see a clear benefit.

If a covert narcissist is supposed to be in a social gathering, they might avoid being there if they are not going to benefit from it. Sometimes, they can also have trust issues with people they interact with.

What They Might Say	How to React
"I don't feel like going out. It's a waste of time."	Encourage but respect their need for space. For example, "It's okay to stay in, but let me know if you ever want to join. It's important to connect with others sometimes."

6. Love for fantasizing

Individuals with covert narcissistic traits are likely to spend more time reminiscing on their achievements, capabilities, and abilities instead of sharing them with people. 

In their dream world, narcissists have an inflated sense of power and importance, which is different from what they are in reality.

For example, they might imagine receiving accolades for grand achievements that do not align with their reality.

It’s like when they fantasize; they see themselves receiving a standing ovation for doing something grandiose. Their fantasies could also involve getting compliments from people for providing solutions to problems.

What They Might Say	How to React
"One day, everyone will see how brilliant I am."	Ground the conversation in reality. For example, "It's great to have dreams, but let's focus on practical steps to achieve your goals."

7. Presence of depression and anxiety

Among all the types of narcissism, people with covert narcissist traits may be at a higher risk of feeling emptiness, anxiety, and depression than others. One of the primary reasons is fear of failure, which can leave them feeling anxious.

For instance, they might feel intense anxiety when their high expectations do not match reality.

Another reason could be that they are frustrated as their expectations or fantasies do not align with reality. 

Hence, this frustration may trigger a sense of depression or anxiety. They might also have difficulty accepting these emotions in front of others.

What They Might Say	How to React
"Nothing ever goes right for me. What's the point?"	Show empathy and suggest professional help. For example, "I understand you're feeling down. It might help to talk to someone who can provide support."

8. Keeping grudges

Sometimes, the covert narcissist may hold grudges against someone depending on how serious the situation is. 

For example, when someone treats them unfairly, they may get angry but not react instantly. They might keep waiting for the right time to get revenge in a way that won’t be too obvious.

These narcissists might go behind the person’s back to talk down on them so that they might not get a certain opportunity. 

It is also possible for covert narcissists to keep grudges against people who get opportunities that they were looking for. These grudges can further cause resentment, malice, and displeasure.

What They Might Say	How to React
"I'll never forget how they treated me."	Encourage letting go of grudges. For example, "Holding onto this anger isn't helping you. Let's find a way to move past it."

9. Feeling inadequate

Many covert narcissists might have feelings of inadequacy, especially when they cannot meet the standards or pedestal they have set for themselves. 

They might feel that people would judge them by these standards, making them hard on themselves when they don’t meet the expectations.

For instance, they might constantly feel judged and inadequate if they fail to meet their own high standards.

Covert narcissists may not realize that they are mere humans and are liable to fail at times. This tendency can make them feel inadequate, as they think people around them would be disappointed to see or know their mistakes.

What They Might Say	How to React
"I'm not good enough for this."	Offer reassurance and highlight their strengths. For example, "You are capable and have many strengths. Let's focus on what you can achieve."

10. Lack of goal or ambition

Covert narcissists might be too busy looking at other people’s achievements and wondering why they are not in their shoes. This might make it impossible for them to be focused on a particular goal. 

For example, they might frequently change goals because they are more focused on others’ successes than their own plans.

As a result, you might find a covert narcissist changing their goals because they are not self-motivated; instead, they are focused on other people’s successes.

They may be unable to complete a project because there is no structured plan. Similarly, they might not be content with their direction in life because they are misguided.

To learn more about the signs of covert narcissism, check out this book by Louisa Cox titled Covert Narcissism.

What They Might Say	How to React
"I don't know what I want to do with my life."	Help them set realistic goals. For example, "Let's break down your interests and set some small, achievable goals to start with."

11. Difficulty with intimacy

Covert narcissists often struggle with forming deep, meaningful connections. 

While they may appear engaged and caring on the surface, they tend to keep an emotional distance from others. This difficulty with intimacy stems from their fear of being exposed or vulnerable.

For instance, they might avoid deep conversations about feelings, keeping interactions superficial.

They may avoid open and honest conversations about feelings, preferring to keep interactions superficial. This can lead to a sense of isolation for their partners, who may feel that their emotional needs are not being met.

Over time, the lack of genuine intimacy can create a significant emotional gap in the relationship, making it challenging to build trust and closeness.

What They Might Say	How to React
"I don't like talking about my feelings."	Gently encourage open communication. For example, "Sharing our feelings can help us understand each other better. I'm here to listen when you're ready."

What are the motivations behind the covert narcissist’s behavior?

Once you have an idea about the motivations behind a covert narcissist’s behavior, it can help shed light on their often confusing and hurtful actions.

Their seemingly contradictory traits stem from deep-seated psychological needs and fears. Here are some key motivations driving their behavior:

• Fear of vulnerability: Covert narcissists fear being exposed as flawed or inadequate, so they mask their insecurities with a facade of humility and reserve.
• Need for validation: Despite their outward modesty, they crave constant affirmation and admiration to bolster their fragile self-esteem.
• Desire for control: They use subtle manipulation and passive-aggressive tactics to maintain a sense of control in relationships and situations.
• Avoidance of criticism: To protect their delicate self-image, they go to great lengths to avoid criticism, often responding with sarcasm or withdrawal.
• Envy of others: Their chronic envy drives them to undermine others’ successes and achievements, as they constantly compare themselves to those they perceive as more successful.

Grady Shumway further states:

Covert narcissists often struggle with a deep fear of vulnerability, leading them to create a façade that hides their insecurities. Understanding this fear can help you approach interactions with empathy while also maintaining healthy boundaries.

5 ways covert narcissism can affect a relationship’s health

Living with a covert narcissist can have a profound impact on a relationship’s health. Covert narcissistic behavior is often subtle, making it difficult to identify and address. 

Whether you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist or have a covert narcissist wife or husband, understanding these effects can help you deal with the challenges. Here are 5 ways covert narcissism can affect a relationship’s well-being:

1. Emotional manipulation

Covert narcissists often use emotional manipulation to control their partners. This can include gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim.

For example, they might make you doubt your perceptions by saying, “You’re imagining things,” when you confront them about hurtful behavior. This constant manipulation can erode your self-esteem and make you question your reality, creating a toxic and unstable relationship environment.

2. Lack of genuine intimacy

A covert narcissist’s fear of vulnerability can lead to a lack of genuine intimacy in the relationship. They may avoid deep, emotional conversations and keep interactions superficial.

For instance, they might change the subject or dismiss your feelings when you try to discuss serious issues. This emotional distance can leave you feeling isolated and unsupported, making it hard to build a strong, trusting bond.

3. Constant criticism and belittling

Covert narcissists often mask their insecurities by criticizing and belittling their partners. This can manifest as subtle digs or sarcastic comments aimed at undermining your confidence.

For example, they might say, “I guess you’re not as smart as you thought,” after you make a mistake. Over time, this constant negativity can damage your self-worth and create a toxic atmosphere in the relationship.

4. Unmet emotional needs

Being married to a covert narcissist often means your emotional needs are not met. They might be more focused on their own needs and feelings, neglecting yours in the process. 

For instance, they may rarely offer emotional support when you’re stressed or upset, expecting you to cater to their needs instead. This imbalance can lead to frustration and resentment, weakening the emotional connection between you.

5. Difficulty in resolving conflicts

Covert narcissistic behavior can make resolving conflicts challenging. They may avoid taking responsibility for their actions and instead blame you for the issues in the relationship.

For example, during an argument, they might say, “You’re the one who always starts fights,” even when they are at fault. This refusal to address problems constructively can prevent conflicts from being resolved, leading to ongoing tension and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

What are the things and behaviors that can trigger a covert narcissist?

Covert narcissists can be triggered by various behaviors and situations that threaten their fragile self-esteem. Criticism, whether direct or implied, can provoke defensive reactions. Being ignored or overlooked can make them feel insignificant, fueling resentment.

Successes or achievements of others may evoke envy and insecurity. Personal failures or mistakes can also trigger intense feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Understanding what causes covert narcissism involves recognizing their deep-seated need for validation and fear of exposure. These triggers are rooted in their underlying insecurities and constant need for reassurance, leading to manipulative and defensive behaviors.

10 communication techniques to deal with and interact effectively with a covert narcissist

Dealing with a covert narcissist can be challenging, especially when it comes to communication. Their subtle manipulations and sensitivity can make interactions difficult.

However, using effective communication techniques can help manage these relationships better. Here are 10 techniques to help you interact more effectively with a covert narcissist.

1. Set clear boundaries

Covert narcissists often push limits to get their way. Clearly defining your boundaries and consistently enforcing them is essential. Boundaries help you maintain control and ensure your needs are respected in the relationship.

Go like this: Firmly yet politely state your limits. For example, say, “I need some time alone now,” and stick to it without feeling guilty. This consistency helps establish respect and reduces manipulation.

2. Use “I” statements

Using “I” statements helps avoid sounding accusatory, which can trigger defensive responses. These statements focus on your feelings and needs, making it easier for the covert narcissist to understand the impact of their actions without feeling attacked.

Go like this: Focus on your feelings and experiences. For example, “I feel upset when plans change at the last minute without notice” makes the conversation about your feelings, not their behavior.

3. Stay calm and composed

Covert narcissists may try to provoke you to gain control. Maintaining your calm prevents them from manipulating your emotions. Keeping a level head allows you to have conversations more effectively and reduces the chances of escalating conflicts.

Go like this: Practice deep breathing, or take a moment before responding. For example, if they say something hurtful, take a deep breath and respond calmly, “Let’s discuss this when we both are more relaxed.”

4. Limit emotional reactions

Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Keeping your responses neutral can prevent them from gaining satisfaction from your distress. You can maintain your composure by controlling your emotional responses and avoid feeding into their manipulative tactics.

Go like this: Respond with calm, neutral phrases. For example, if they make a provoking statement, calmly say, “That’s an interesting perspective,” without showing strong emotions.

5. Focus on facts, not feelings

Stick to factual statements to avoid emotional manipulation. Discussing concrete details leaves less room for them to twist your words. Focusing on facts helps keep the conversation grounded and reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings.

Go like this: When addressing an issue, be specific. For example, say, “We agreed to meet at 6 PM, and you arrived at 7 PM,” instead of, “You never respect my time.”

6. Avoid arguing or defending yourself

Covert narcissists can twist arguments to make you seem at fault. Avoid engaging in futile debates. By steering clear of arguments, you can prevent unnecessary conflicts and maintain a more peaceful relationship.

Go like this: Politely disengage from arguments. For example, if they try to start a conflict, say, “I don’t think arguing will help us solve this,” and steer the conversation to a neutral topic.

7. Validate their feelings cautiously

Acknowledging their feelings can help de-escalate situations, but be careful not to feed their ego excessively. Validation can make them feel heard and understood, which can diffuse tension without reinforcing their narcissistic tendencies.

Go like this: Offer validation without excessive praise. For example, say, “I understand you’re upset,” without elaborating or giving undue attention.

8. Use reflective listening

Reflective listening shows you understand their perspective without necessarily agreeing with it. This technique can help build rapport and demonstrate empathy, making the covert narcissist more receptive to your points.

Go like this: Paraphrase their statements. For example, if they complain about feeling unappreciated, respond with, “So, you feel unappreciated because of recent events?”

9. Keep interactions brief and focused

Limit interactions to necessary discussions to reduce the chance of manipulation. Brief, focused interactions help you maintain control over the conversation and reduce opportunities for the covert narcissist to twist your words.

Go like this: Stay on topic and be concise. For example, in a work setting, stick to project-related discussions and avoid personal topics.

10. Use assertive communication

Being assertive means expressing your needs and opinions confidently and respectfully. This approach helps you stand your ground without being aggressive or passive, making it harder for the covert narcissist to manipulate you.

Go like this: Use clear and direct language. For example, say, “I need you to respect my decision,” instead of hinting or being vague. Assertiveness helps set clear expectations and reduces misunderstandings.

7 strategies to set boundaries and protect yourself emotionally from a covert narcissist

Sometimes, relating with a narcissist might be difficult because their inactions can negatively affect you.

Therefore, you need to know certain ways to deal with a covert narcissist so that their character will not get in the way of creating a healthy relationship.

1. Don’t blame yourself for their actions/inactions

When managing a relationship with a covert narcissist, you need to recognize that their actions are not dependent on you. It is important to know that their words are not directly about you; rather, they are about how they feel.

Someone with a personality disorder, like a narcissist, cannot be fixed, but they can get help if they are willing to change. So, when they say or do hurtful things, you can try to be patient, remembering that it is not your fault.

2. Learn more about them

It might be difficult for you to understand how the mind of a covert narcissist works until you consciously learn more about them. You can research various personality disorders and narrow down your learning to narcissistic personality disorder.

Knowing more about covert narcissism can help you know the signs that you should look out for in case you are in a relationship with one.

Learning more about this personality disorder will also give you a clearer perspective on how they can seek help and manage their situation.

3. Communicate your concerns

After knowing the signs or examples of a narcissist, one of the ways to handle them is through direct communication. Some narcissists might be willing to consider your concerns and work on themselves, while others may call your bluff.

Irrespective of their feedback, they deserve to hear the truth from someone who truly cares about them, and holding back your opinions will not help them in the long run. Even though they don’t accept your opinion, your attempt might leave some impression on them.

4. Help them seek support

Even though a covert narcissist may not believe that they need help, you can always encourage them to get help from a professional trainer. When it comes to covert narcissism treatment, a good number of them are unaware of the downsides that come with their personality disorder.

Therefore, it might be difficult for them to accept that they have a problem. However, once you let them see their flaws, it may become easier for them to get help managing their situation.

To learn more about how to respond to a narcissist, read this book by Richard Cooper titled Dealing with a Narcissist. This book is written from a personal experience standpoint, and it contains practical survival tips to handle narcissists.

Watch this where Dr. Ramani talks about helping a narcissist fix their personality:

5. Limit personal disclosures

Covert narcissists may use personal information against you. To protect yourself, limit how much you share about your vulnerabilities, feelings, and personal life. By keeping certain aspects of your life private, you can reduce their ability to manipulate you emotionally.

When dealing with a covert narcissist, it’s essential to remain cautious about what you disclose. Oversharing can provide them with ammunition to exploit your weaknesses and control you.

Be selective about the information you share, and consider keeping sensitive topics, such as your fears, insecurities, and personal struggles, to yourself or trusted confidants outside the relationship.

6. Prioritize self-care

Taking care of your emotional and mental health is crucial when dealing with a covert narcissist. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can offer a healthy perspective and emotional support.

Self-care helps you maintain resilience against the covert narcissist’s manipulative tactics. Make time for hobbies and activities that make you happy, such as reading, exercising, or spending time in nature.

Practicing mindfulness and meditation can also help you stay centered and calm. Prioritizing self-care ensures that you remain emotionally strong and less susceptible to the covert narcissist’s negative influence.

7. Focus on your own goals

Covert narcissists often dominate relationships, making it easy to lose sight of your own goals and aspirations. Reaffirming and working toward your objectives can help maintain your sense of self-worth and independence. This focus enables you to stay grounded and reduces the emotional impact of their manipulative behaviors.

Set clear, achievable goals for yourself, and make a plan to work toward them. Regularly review your progress and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.

By keeping your goals at the forefront of your mind, you can reinforce your sense of purpose and autonomy, making it harder for the covert narcissist to undermine your confidence and control your actions.

FAQs

Understanding covert narcissism can help you deal with challenging relationships with individuals who exhibit these traits. Here are some common questions about covert narcissists and their behaviors.

• Will a covert narcissist ever love you?

Covert narcissists can display affection, but their love is often conditional and self-serving. They may struggle with genuine empathy and emotional intimacy.

Their primary focus tends to be on their own needs and validation, making it challenging for them to form deep, loving connections. Relationships with covert narcissists often lack true emotional depth and mutual support.

• What are the 4 stages of covert narcissism?

The four stages of covert narcissism typically include idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. In the idealization stage, they shower you with praise and affection.

During devaluation, they subtly criticize and undermine you. Discard involves them emotionally distancing or leaving. Hoovering is when they try to pull you back in to regain control, often after a period of absence.

• What does a covert narcissist act like?

A covert narcissist often appears shy, introverted, and humble, but beneath this facade lies a need for validation and control. They may engage in passive-aggressive behavior, emotional manipulation, and subtle belittling.

Their actions are designed to undermine others while maintaining an image of innocence. This dual nature makes their narcissism hard to detect and emotionally damaging.

It’s not the end of the road!

After reading this piece on the signs of a covert narcissist and how to handle them, you might have developed a better understanding of how to relate to them. If you already know any such person or ever encounter one, don’t think of it as the end of the road.

If you are presently in a relationship with a narcissist and find it hard to understand them, you can consider confronting them politely. If that doesn’t work, you can also seek help from a professional therapist.

Try to do your best for the relationship, and convincing your partner will play a major role in it. However, if things don’t change, it may be better to get out of such a relationship, as your mental health should be your priority.