11 Effective Things You Can Do if You’re Married but Lonely

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One of the common assumptions when it comes to marriage is that when you tie the nuptial knots with your partner, you may not be lonely again.

However, you can be lonely even when you are married, and this is because there are some suppressed issues that you and your partner might have avoided. Hence, let’s learn the signs of loneliness in marriage and some possible solutions to the problem of being married but lonely among couples.

Is it natural to feel alone in marriage?

It might seem natural to feel alone in marriage, but this should not be the case. Anytime you have this feeling of loneliness, it can mean that something is fundamentally wrong. Hence, you need to find the reason for this feeling and make the necessary corrections.

It does not mean that your marriage is over when you feel alone or lonely. But it might suggest that you and your partner missed out on things that should make your marriage rock-solid. Therefore, you must revisit why you married and renew your commitments.

7 signs of being married yet lonely

Being married to someone does not eliminate the chances of being lonely. You cannot emotionally connect with your partner when you are married but lonely. At this point, there is no mental and physical intimacy between the both of you.

Below are 7 potential signs of being lonely in a marriage:

1. Feeling of disconnection from your partner

When partners do not connect emotionally, it feels like a distance has been created between them. Therefore, one of the signs that you are married but lonely is when you feel like an emotional gap has been created. 

One thing that can make you feel disconnected from your partner is when you feel like your spouse does not listen to you.

2. You don’t request things from your partner

Another sign that you are married but lonely is when you don’t feel the need to ask your partner for some things. You might be comfortable asking other people apart from your partner because you don’t need to use anything they have.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, says

This is a red flag and should be used as a sign to connect again with your partner. Ask them their opinions on things or make requests of them to allow them to feel needed.

The only time you are likely to get things from your partner is when they notice that you have a need and offer to help.

3. Absence of quality time

You might be married but lonely when you don’t see a reason to spend ample time with your partner. You most likely prefer to spend time with people other than your partner because you don’t crave closeness with them again. 

Sometimes, if they want to spend time with you, you will give different excuses not to be around them.

4. You don’t remember their special days

If you find remembering your partner’s special days hard, marriage loneliness might be in the mix. 

On some occasions, if you get a reminder, you don’t show the expected level of enthusiasm, which could leave your partner wondering. Similarly, you are sometimes not motivated to get your partner gifts to commemorate some of these special days.

5. Communication problems

When you are lonely and married, you will likely experience communication problems. If you face any challenge outside the home, discussing it with your partner might be challenging because you’re feeling lonely in marriage.

Similarly, if your partner does something you don’t like, you will rather keep quiet because you want to avoid confronting them. Someone who is married but lonely will not try to communicate with their partner.

6. Lack of physical intimacy

One profound sign of loneliness in a marriage is the absence of physical intimacy. This goes beyond the lack of sexual relations and extends to the absence of simple gestures of affection, such as holding hands, cuddling, or even casual touching. 

When physical intimacy dwindles, it signifies a deeper emotional disconnect, making one or both partners feel isolated even when they are physically close. This lack of intimacy can lead to feelings of rejection and loneliness, as the physical connection often reflects the emotional bond between partners.

7. Indifference toward your partner’s needs and feelings

Feeling indifferent toward your partner’s needs and feelings is a significant sign of loneliness in marriage. When you do not care about what your partner is going through or their emotional well-being, it indicates a detachment beyond mere disconnection. 

It could manifest in ignoring their requests for help, being unresponsive to their attempts at conversation, or showing a lack of empathy toward their struggles. 

Indifference suggests that the emotional gap has widened to a point where the partner’s presence or absence makes little emotional difference, which is a stark indicator of loneliness within the marital relationship.

Maggie Martinez further adds,

When you start to feel indifferent towards your partner, it is important to reflect when this happened and why this may be happening.

7 possible causes of loneliness in relationships and marriages

Loneliness in relationships and marriages can stem from a myriad of causes, affecting even the strongest of bonds. It’s a complex emotion that can arise from internal conflicts, external pressures, and the dynamics between partners. 

Understanding these causes is crucial for addressing the root of the issue and finding a path toward reconnecting. So, if you are asking, “Why do I feel lonely in my marriage?” here are 7 likely causes of loneliness within these intimate connections:

1. Lack of communication

Communication is the lifeline of any relationship. When it breaks down, individuals can feel isolated and misunderstood. This lack of communication might stem from busy schedules, differing communication styles, or simply neglecting to share thoughts and feelings. 

Over time, this can lead to a profound sense of loneliness, as partners no longer feel connected or understood by each other.

2. Emotional disconnect

An emotional disconnect occurs when partners no longer share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with one another. This can be due to fear of vulnerability, unresolved conflicts, or gradually drifting apart. When emotional intimacy fades, individuals may feel alone and disconnected, even when physically together.

3. Physical distance

I feel alone in my marriage even though my partner and I love each other deeply. Long-distance relationships or work-related travel can contribute to loneliness. 

Physical absence makes it challenging to maintain emotional closeness and intimacy. Despite efforts to stay connected digitally, the lack of physical presence can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

4. Changed priorities

When one partner’s priorities shift away from the relationship—whether due to career demands, hobbies, or social commitments—the other may feel neglected and lonely, and this sense of being deprioritized can erode the sense of partnership and lead to feelings of isolation within the relationship.

5. Lack of shared interests

Couples lacking shared interests or activities might live parallel lives rather than sharing experiences. This can lead to a sense of loneliness, as partners have fewer opportunities to connect and engage with each other on a deeper, more personal level.

6. Unmet emotional needs

When a partner’s emotional needs are consistently unmet, it can lead to feelings of loneliness. This might be due to a mismatch in expectations, a lack of understanding, or an inability to express needs effectively. Feeling unsupported or unloved by one’s partner can exacerbate this sense of isolation.

7. Personal issues or mental health struggles

Individual struggles with self-esteem, depression, or anxiety can also contribute to loneliness in relationships. These personal challenges can make it difficult for someone to connect with their partner or seek support, leading to a cycle of isolation and loneliness within the relationship.

What are the effects of being married but lonely?

Being a lonely husband or wife in a marriage can be an unpleasant experience that people rarely discuss. Loneliness can affect you in different ways you might not be aware of. It can increase the risk of depression and anxiety, poor self-care, substance or behavioral addiction, etc. 

When you are married but lonely, you will not be motivated to do things that will benefit your health. Learn how being married but lonely affects older people in this interesting research. 

11 tips on what to do if you’re married but lonely

If you are married but lonely and want to save the union, you can apply some of these tips to bring you out of your emotional hiatus. 

So, how to deal with loneliness in a marriage? Here are 11 things you can do if you feel alone in a marriage.

1. Discover the possible reason for the loneliness

When you are married and lonely, you need to find out what has changed between you and your partner. This is where you introspect to discover why you now feel lonely. Then, you can look back to when this feeling of loneliness was absent and at the activities you did then that you no longer do.

For instance, you might feel lonely because you have not had a vacation with your partner in a long time. When you figure out why loneliness crept into your marriage, you can discuss it with your partner.

2. Discuss your loneliness with your partner

Letting your partner know you are lonely in the relationship is only right. If you keep this information from them, you will be doing yourself and the relationship a disservice.

When you tell your partner about this issue, be careful not to blame them. Rather, approach this issue from the standpoint of understanding and concern for the relationship’s health.

You can let your partner know that you have not felt bonded to them in a long time and miss that feeling. Also, you can ask open-ended questions about this issue so they can respond.

Maggie Martinez suggests,

Ensure that you are both in a safe, comfortable space to have this difficult conversation. Be sure to utilize “we” and “us” in order to show that you are willing to tackle this issue as a team.

3. Listen to your partner

Even though you feel lonely in a marriage and discuss it with your partner, it is crucial to listen to them. You might be surprised to hear they are also experiencing the same loneliness but have not spoken about it yet.

Therefore, listen to what your partner has to say without being defensive. Please don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by your emotions, so you don’t judge them. When you practice active listening with your partner, you will get some vital points that might help sustain your marriage.

4. Create a plan to reconnect with your partner

When you feel lonely in a marriage, you need to plan to reconnect with your spouse. Remember that for a marriage to be successful, it requires intentionality and commitment from both parties.

Also, when you spend more time with your partner doing different activities, the flame between the two of you will be rekindled. For example, you can spend time doing a hobby common to both of you, provided it allows you to be together.

5. Don’t blow your expectations out of proportion

When you are married but feel alone, it might be that your expectations are high, and that is why you feel lonely. Hence, it is advisable to review your expectations and try to adjust some of them. 

Remember that your marriage might not be able to meet all your needs. Some things you expect from your partner might be impossible within their capacity. You might only be able to get some things outside your marriage and not your partner.

6. Practice healthy self-care

While you work toward eliminating loneliness in your marriage, take care of yourself. Look out for your physical, mental, and emotional health, and put measures in place to keep them in good shape.

Please do not engage in activities that will endanger different aspects of your health because it can affect your relationship. Instead, continue practicing healthy habits that will make you feel fulfilled as an individual and spouse.

7. Learn your partner’s love language

Sometimes, one of the best ways to help yourself from loneliness is by showing intentionality toward your partner. For example, you can try knowing your partner’s love language and showing them love through that medium.

With time, you will discover that the intimacy between the two of you will deepen because you are committed to making them happy. Sometimes, they might reciprocate and care for you in your love language.

8. Show gratitude to your partner

Even though you are married but lonely, you may still agree that you have had some enjoyable times with your partner. Learn to express gratitude to your partner for their input in the marriage. Talk about the things they have done that made you happy.

You can even express appreciation for the little things they didn’t notice. Showing gratitude helps you to see your partner and marriage in another light. It also serves as a subtle reminder to both parties to keep caring for and loving each other.

9. Learn to resolve conflicts the healthy way

One of the reasons you might feel alone in a marriage is because there are unresolved conflicts that both of you have refused to talk about. This may be one of the reasons why an emotional gap has been created: too many disagreements and fights have not been sorted out.

You and your partner need to know how to manage conflicts so as not to kill the communication and love in your marriage. This should begin by hearing each other out, owning up to your mistakes, and promising to make each other happy.

Watch this video where Anya Mind, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains 5 steps to repair conflict in your relationships:

10. Speak with a professional

I am so depressed and lonely in my marriage, and I want someone to hear me. If you are married but lonely, you can consider speaking with a professional mental health counselor or therapist. 

When you seek counseling from a professional, it may become easier for you to uncover the root cause of your loneliness. When you find out the reason, the professional will help you with actionable steps to eliminate the feeling of loneliness. 

Additionally, you might need to attend some sessions with your partner to smooth out some relationship issues. For partners who now feel unloved and lonely in their marriages, David Clarke’s book is an eye-opener on resolving the situation.

11. Engage in new activities together

Venturing into new activities can spark excitement and provide fresh topics for conversation, helping bridge the emotional gap contributing to loneliness. Whether it’s taking a class, exploring a hobby, or engaging in a shared project, new experiences can strengthen your bond. 

These activities not only create memories but also offer opportunities to learn more about each other’s interests and capabilities. 

Engaging together in something novel can reintroduce the element of discovery and playfulness that might have been lost over time, encouraging a sense of companionship and reducing feelings of isolation within the marriage.

FAQs

In every marriage, questions about personal space, addressing a partner’s feelings, and overcoming loneliness are common. Here are responses to some frequently asked questions that can help manage these aspects of marital life:

• Is it okay to have alone time in a marriage?

Yes, alone time in a marriage is not only okay but essential for personal growth and mental health. It allows both partners to recharge, pursue individual interests, and maintain their sense of self. Balancing alone time with quality time together is key to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

• What should I do if my wife feels lonely?

If your wife feels lonely, actively listen to her concerns without judgment. Engage in open and empathetic communication to understand her feelings. Show affection and reassurance, and work together to find activities that you can enjoy as a couple. Consider seeking professional help if the loneliness persists.

• Why am I married but lonely?

Feeling lonely in a marriage can result from emotional disconnect, lack of communication, or unmet expectations. It’s important to reflect on the underlying reasons and address them directly. Openly discussing your feelings with your partner and seeking mutual solutions or professional guidance can help alleviate this loneliness.

Final thoughts

One of the ways to tell if you are married but lonely is to ask yourself how you feel whenever your partner is unavailable. Also, you can be honest with yourself about whether you prefer to be unmarried or not.

With the information in this piece, you can tell whether you are genuinely lonely in your marriage. You can also take a relationship course or see a therapist to expound on applying some of the tips mentioned above that can save you from loneliness in marriage.