What Is Defensive Listening & How to Deal With It

Listen to this article

We may not be familiar with what is defensive listening but we have had our share of people who have defensive listening skills. 

Have you ever been in a situation where your innocent comments or words were negatively taken and twisted by someone? Where a nice comment has been twisted into having a hidden meaning that has caused someone to be upset or angry?

No, you didn’t do anything wrong here. In fact, you might just have dealt with a person who applies defensive listening. If you are familiar with this scenario or in any event, you think you might be doing defensive listening, then read through.

What is defensive listening?

What is defensive listening?

Defensive listening is when someone takes an innocent comment as a personal attack on them.

Defensive listening definition revolves around a person who can create wrong impressions from simple comments and answers from anyone.

It happens when a person tries to find fault from simple and innocent comments or statements from a person and perceives it as a personal attack, an indirect criticism, and even a trigger to pick a fight which then causes the receiver to become upset and defensive as well.

Examples of defensive listening

It’s hard to deal with people who focus on defensive listening.

In fact, this may cause people to stop communicating or to withdraw from their relationship or friendship because of the toxicity of the relationship. Let’s look at some of the most common defensive listening examples.

A person who is being defensive will create a twisted reasoning about all impersonal statements. A person might comment something about work ethics and people who are lazy, which might just be an honest opinion or a statement but for a defensive listener, this is a personal attack on the part of the speaker. This can cause rage and hate and can also cause a fight.

For couples, having a relationship with someone who has poor communication and is always on the defensive listening, there will always be miscommunication, misunderstandings, and ultimately arguments. It’s hard to keep a good relationship when your partner uses your words against you. In fact, this is considered a toxic relationship.

Sarcastic humor also won’t work for defensive listeners because they will always take it seriously and personally. If a person jokes around saying sarcastic jokes which is okay and even funny for most of us, a person who is defensive will think that it’s a real statement targeting them.

This can cause this person to literally explain and defend themselves to the person who said the joke which is not just awkward but also a trigger for misunderstanding.

What is selective vs defensive listening?

Selective listening refers to the intentional act of focusing on specific information while filtering out or ignoring other parts of a conversation. It involves choosing what to pay attention to based on personal preferences or interests. 

In contrast, defensive listening occurs when individuals perceive a threat or criticism in communication and respond with a defensive mindset. They may interpret messages as personal attacks, leading to misunderstandings and potential conflict. Both styles impact the quality of communication and require awareness for effective dialogue.

What causes defensive listening?

As we are now able to define defensive listening, we would definitely want to know why there are people who do this. 

Defensive listening is one trait of poor listening skills which can cause any relationship to have problems. Can you imagine being married to someone who takes your statements and comments negatively which ultimately causes fights and misunderstandings?

Where does the defensiveness come from and why is it so hard to stop?

By default, someone who reacts defensively is due to a perceived threat. 

However, with defensive listening, a person might just give off an innocent comment or joke but the other end hears a trigger that then causes the listener to act defensive. The listener here clearly shows a poor way of listening and is only showing difficult defensive behavior.

If a person has poor communication skills and is showing signs of defensive behavior, this may have been a result of mental, emotional, and personality issues. 

This could also be caused by disorders that have developed over the course of past experiences that gave them the feeling of being abandoned, showing an inferiority complex, showing low self-esteem, and even as a sign of narcissism.

5 ways to deal with a defensive listener

It’s hard to change the way you think or wonder how to stop being defensive in a relationship.

And even harder to practice good communication skills when you are used to defensive listening especially when the triggers are rooted in past experiences.

There is still hope for people who have been used to defensive listening. Aside from therapy, there are ways and practices that can help.

1. Address the behavior

Listening without defensiveness requires you to be aware of the situation.

As the term implies, a person who practices defensive listening is defensive. So, one must know the root of defensiveness, the triggers, and primarily the cause. Address the issue and be able to apply the correct ways to improve yourself.

2. Control your temper and know that there is no immediate danger

Think before you speak and react. Learn to understand what the person is saying instead of allowing your emotions to control you.

Watch Life & Relationship Coach Juna Mustad speak on “A Mindful Approach to Anger” in this video:

3. Analyze the situation and asks questions if needed

Along with these two, it’s important that you know how to accept faults and criticisms too so that in any event that you may hear something that might trigger you, you’d be able to control your impulses.

4. Practice steps of proper communication skills

Learn to practice proper communication skills where listening is as important as talking. It may be hard but be able to endure this for your personal development.

To enhance communication with your partner, it’s also a good idea to seek relationship counseling with a licensed professional.

5. Be a little self-critical

When the other person tells you something that upsets them or annoys them about you, just think for a few seconds if you’re actually wrong somewhere. Be open to the possibility of making mistakes on your part.

How to manage defensive listening in relationships

Managing defensive listening in relationships requires a thoughtful and proactive approach. Firstly, fostering open and non-judgmental communication environments encourages individuals to express their thoughts and concerns without fear of criticism. 

Active listening, empathy, and validation of feelings are essential tools for promoting understanding and reducing defensiveness. Engaging in reflective questioning, seeking clarification, and reframing statements can help defuse defensive reactions. 

Cultivating self-awareness and recognizing one’s own defensiveness also contribute to creating a healthier and more harmonious communication dynamic.

How to practice listening without getting defensive

Practicing listening without becoming defensive involves a few simple steps. 

First, it’s important to develop self-awareness and recognize when defensive reactions arise. Take a moment to pause and breathe before responding. 

Second, actively listen to understand, rather than immediately reacting or formulating a counterargument. Practice empathy by putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes. 

Finally, respond calmly and respectfully, seeking clarification if needed. By consciously adopting these steps, you can promote a more open and constructive dialogue.

Being a good listener

Adopting a mindset of listening to understand rather than to react holds immense power in fostering effective communication and building meaningful connections. 

By suspending judgment, practicing empathy, and genuinely seeking to comprehend others’ perspectives, we create a space for authentic dialogue and mutual respect. This approach allows us to transcend our own biases, bridge divides, and cultivate deeper understanding in our interactions, ultimately enriching both our personal and professional relationships.