Why You Have Been Attracting the Wrong Men in Your Life

Dr. Danielle Dowling

Dr. Danielle Dowling, Psychologist

Expertise: Psychologist

Dr. Danielle Dowling is a Doctor of Psychology, life coach and speaker who helps women release limitations and re-introduces them to the dreams they’d forgotten or... Read more

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Updated: 3 Aug, 2022

Table of Contents

Reprioritize lasting partnership qualities over flashy dating traits, so you invite a partner who is consistent, kind, and supportive, helping you grow closer and feel seen.
Distinguish dating qualities from lasting partnership qualities and seek traits that cultivate trust, safety, and deep connection, guiding you toward a healthier, closer relationship.
Be crystal-clear on nonnegotiables for partnership and share them with your partner, so you both feel seen and supported as you deepen your emotional connection.

If you’re still single—and you don’t want to be—you’ve been choosing the wrong men.

Yes, I know that much is obvious—but I want to help you understand why you’re choosing the wrong men and give you the tools to choose the right ones

Here’s the thing. There could be (and probably is) a lot of reasons that you’re choosing the wrong men, but I can help you zero in on a big one: You’re attracting the qualities you think you want in a man . . . and finding yourself understandably disappointed in the results.

Here’s what I mean. Whether you realize it or not, you have created a mental (and perhaps, physical) checklist of qualities that you evaluate the men you meet and date.

You might want someone who:

Is over 6 feet tall
Makes $100,000+ a year
Has a graduate degree
Loves food and wine
Doesn’t have children
Is extremely passionate about his career
Likes hiking and running
Practices your same religion
[insert your preferred quality here]

And the problem is you’re attracting these men into your life!

“Why is that a problem?” you might wonder

I’ll tell you: These are not actually the qualities that definitely make a “perfect” husband. These are the qualities that get you:

The “good on paper” guy that you should like . . . that you had no spark with.
The super sexy, wealthy guy . . . who refused to listen or commit to you.
The intelligent, funny guy . . . who selfishly disappears or for a week every once in a while.
The man that your parents love (because you’re both Catholic, of course) . . . who is unwilling to compromise.

It never works out with these men who meet all of your requirements—and that’s good! It shouldn’t. You would be settling—giving boring, emotionally unavailable, selfish, underdeveloped, uncompromising men your time just because they’re tall, successful, funny, and like to eat out or hike.

How do you recognize and attract your future husband then?

Instead of attracting (then dumping) these men—or worse, settling for one of them!—you need to reinvent what you’re looking for.

In order to stop asking, “is he the one?” you need to upgrade your ideal husband checklist! Stop settling on “attractive qualities” and get crystal-clear on the “lasting partnership qualities” you want to call in to.

How do you recognize and attract your future husband then

Here’s the difference:

Attractive Qualities ignite lust in you and turn you on. Lasting Partnership Qualities make you happy in the long run.

These qualities exemplify how your future partner makes you constantly feel and the way he treats you.

The difference between dating qualities and husband qualities

Though these qualities will vary from person to person, here are a few examples to get your wheels turning:

Attractive dating qualities:

Exciting
Cultured
Tall
Passionate
Successful
Funny
Fit
Spiritual/Same Religion
Same Politics
Sexy

Lasting partnership qualities:

Consistent
Reliable
Committed
Kind
Happy
Sexual
Trustworthy
Healthy
Supportive
Stable
Attentive
Fun
Easygoing

Do you see the difference?

If you are ready to stop being single . . .

If you are ready to fall in love now . . .

If you are ready to attract a man who will treasure you and treat you right . . .

. . . Then you can no longer settle for a relationship where your truest, most important needs aren’t being met.

Those needs aren’t for your partner to be tall or be successful or like to hike—at least, those aren’t your only needs.

That’s why I hope you can compromise on his height if he is committed and honest.

That’s why I hope you can compromise on external success if he is attentive and supportive.

That’s why I hope you can compromise on the hikes if he is sexual and trustworthy.

That’s why I hope you refuse to settle on those long-lasting heart-centered partnership qualities while remaining open to compromise on a few attractive qualities in your future mate.

Stop giving your time and energy to men who can’t give you what you really, truly want. Instead, get clear on the partnership qualities you won’t settle on—then go out into the world and call in the fun, loving, lasting relationship you desire and deserve.

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Dr. Danielle Dowling Psychologist

Dr. Danielle Dowling is a Doctor of Psychology, life coach and speaker who helps women release limitations and re-introduces them to the dreams they’d forgotten or put on the shelf. If you want clarity on what you truly want, pinpoint & clear away the obstacles and patterns that are holding... Read more you back, and create the magnetic, radiant life you’ve always desired…. you’re in the right place. Click here to schedule a complimentary discovery call. Read less

(Danielle Dowling is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in California City)