15 Practical Ways to Avoid Marriage Problems After a Second Baby

Listen to this article

Having a baby is clearly life-changing. For some, it’s a blessing, but for others, it’s a complete shock to their well-being. Children give us purpose in some ways but also deplete our time. So, marriage problems after a second baby are highly likely unless you pre-empt them. 

As this study on the subjective well-being following the onset of parenthood details, the likelihood of wanting a second baby depends on a few factors—first, the intensity of the adjustment to parenthood and how it impacts well-being.

Secondly, unpredicted difficulties can occur, such as during birth or within the first few months. These include medical and financial challenges, among others. Moreover, the couple’s availability of resources makes another impact on their decision for baby number two. 

Nevertheless, having marriage problems after the second baby is very common among couples. Furthermore, their arrival, especially if they are born too soon after the first baby, can lead to those babies being a tipping point in a relationship that already has cracks.

With the birth of the second child, candlelight dinners and weekend breaks are swapped with sleepless nights and a cash shortage. Fights over whose turn it is to change the diapers become a reality for you.

These things tend to make your relationship less appealing and take the fun out of it, leading you to marriage problems after a second baby. Instead, follow these marriage tips to help you honor your relationship despite the birth of a second child. 

5 kinds of problems couples may face after having a second baby

No one wants to face issues after a second child, yet relationships struggle when there are two young children. Any time you might have had together has vanished, and you’re also sleep-deprived. All this leads to stress and conflict. 

The foundation to avoid marriage problems after a second baby is to talk about conflict almost before it happens. Have you noticed how we always tend to argue about the same things? Instead, try to pre-empt the argument and problem-solve it when you’re calm and focused.

Below, we have mentioned 5 common problems couples can face after having a second baby:

• Relationship strain: The added responsibilities and stress of raising two children can put a strain on the couple’s relationship. Lack of quality time together, increased exhaustion, and reduced intimacy can lead to feelings of frustration and distance.
• Lack of individual time: Couples may find it challenging to carve out time for themselves, as they now manage the needs of two children. This lack of personal time can lead to overwhelming feelings and a loss of individual identity.
• Unequal distribution of responsibilities: With two children, there are more tasks to handle, from feeding and bathing to school runs and entertainment. Couples may struggle to find a fair and equal distribution of these responsibilities, leading to feelings of resentment and imbalance.
• Financial stress: With the addition of a second baby, couples may experience increased financial strain. Additional expenses such as childcare, diapers, and healthcare can add to the financial pressure, which can cause tension within the relationship.
• Lack of sleep: The demands of a newborn can disrupt sleep patterns for both parents, affecting their physical and emotional well-being. Sleep deprivation can lead to irritability, mood swings, and overall decreased tolerance, all of which can impact the couple’s relationship.

15 ways to avoid marriage problems after a second baby 

Marriage issues after a second baby are common, but they don’t have to signal the end of your relationship. It means more effort and a lot more communication. Below are 15 ways to help you potentially avoid marriage problems after having a second baby.

1. Adjust to increased responsibilities 

Second child marriage problems often come down to lack of sleep. It’s such a fundamental need to keep us healthy and mentally stable that without it, things go wrong, and we neglect our firstborn. Moreover, you have no time left for physical and emotional intimacy. 

At the same time, you now have all these extra responsibilities caring for your second child. With more things to do around the house, mothers usually expect fathers to step up. 

It can be another source of conflict, even if the father’s expectations differ. So, talk about splitting your roles when you feel calm rather than letting this become an argument.

2. Bring back intimacy 

Marriage after a second baby can be tough. With the birth of the first child, the intimacy level in the relationship can fall to around 50%. However, with the second child, the intimacy level goes down by a complete 100%.

The reason behind a Mom’s zero sex drive is that she is parenting a toddler along with a newborn. She has to feed the toddler early in the morning, whereas the newborn will require constant attention.

Mothers may experience changes in their bodies during postpartum, and the demands of nursing a baby can influence a woman’s libido. At times like this, the husbands need to help out as much as they can when they get home and make moves to bring back the intimacy.

These moves include getting a babysitter and going for a romantic dinner or a romantic movie for the night. These things will make her feel better and can also bring back her sex drive.

3. Keep the novelty alive 

Undoubtedly, you love your second baby, but now you have two children needing constant attention. You may also be running low on new-love endorphins and high on exhaustion, guilt, resentment, and fatigue.

It is better to bring back your marriage spark in times like these. Keep in mind that your relationship needs attention as well. So, as soon as the babies are asleep, make sure to connect with your partner, even if only for 10 minutes. A simple hug works, too.   

Husbands can also help reduce marriage problems after a second baby and keep the novelty alive. Perhaps by taking more baby photos or buying new toys for the first child. Alternatively, if Mom needs a few hours of sleep, can Dad take the baby for a walk?  

Marriage problems after the second baby are very common, and almost every couple goes through them. These problems do not mean that your relationship is destined to break. Instead, find small ways to surprise and delight each other. 

According to an intriguing research study, it was discovered that after the post-birth adjustment period of the second baby, most couples went back to being happy and as close as they were after the birth of the first baby. 

Make sure you accept that your life has changed and work together with your spouse as a team to make practical compromises to make your marriage work.

4. No time 

Marriage problems after a second baby involve a lack of time. Not only do you have less time for each other, but also friends and family. Of course, in many cases, your parents can help take the baby off your hands to give you a break. 

You can still make time for each other by planning a short moment together when the kids are out with their grandparents. Another approach is to plan no-screen time so you’re not distracted by phones or laptops. 

Let’s also remember the fun of watching a newborn make sense of this world. Treasure those small moments as your new baby tries to understand how hands work. 

5. Different parenting styles 

If the dad is not parenting according to the mom’s standards and gets nagged, the husband might become less enthusiastic about helping. Instead of arguing over how your husband is parenting the kids, be happy that he is taking care of them and take a nap.

However, when trying to avoid marriage problems after a second baby, remember that emotion-coaching works for adults, too. One wonderful book that shows you how to work with emotions is Dr. Dan Siegel’s The Whole Brain Child. 

With his tips on how to validate feelings, you’ll get through your issues as well as avoid the downsides of the second child syndrome in a marriage.

6. Father takes a back foot 

Sometimes, the father can lose interest after a second baby in a marriage. If your husband is not connecting with your second child, try to see if you can better integrate your schedule with the baby’s schedule. 

For example, connecting with your husband while you feed the baby can be a bonding moment to reduce marriage problems after a second baby. Another opportunity for shared joy is to watch your baby together as they move and work out their new body. 

Be there for each other as a couple and accept that you’ll be dealing with difficult emotions. Make sure you talk about them, like in the emotion-coaching video above. 

7. Organizational challenges 

You must ensure you’re organized to avoid divorce after a second baby. The more help you can get, the smoother things will go. 

Only some have endless resources, though, so make sure you communicate. It’s okay to tell each other that it’s hard. Use those moments as an opportunity to problem-solve rather than blame each other. 

8. Less sleep, more conflict 

Marriage problems after a second baby often grow because of mismatched expectations. To overcome this, keep reminding each other that this is temporary and won’t last forever. 

Another way to support each other is to decide one non-negotiable thing you both need in your routine to stay calm. Is it a Saturday morning alone time for an hour or your favorite Wednesday meal? 

9. Neglecting your health 

No one wants marriage problems after a second baby, but life has challenges. Whatever you do, don’t make any rash decisions until things have settled down. 

As you get overwhelmed with the new baby, you’re likely neglecting your self-care. We know it’s hard to squeeze any alone time into the new schedule, but at least make sure you’re eating properly. Remember also to be kind to yourself if you need help managing to do everything perfectly.

10. Short on funds 

Whether you’re separating while pregnant with your second child or facing marriage problems after a second baby, the chances are money is involved somehow. 

There’s no magic wand when it comes to money. Nevertheless, make a proper budget and be creative. For instance, there are more part-time online job opportunities than ever before. 

Make sure you also investigate any potential benefits you might get from your employer. Most countries have a long way to go, but you only know what you might get once you ask. 

11. Communication gap

Marriage after a second baby becomes stressful as the time is divided into caring for the babies, and couples don’t often get time to communicate enough to understand each other. It would be better if you could take 15 minutes daily to talk only about your relationship and connection. 

Communicating with each other every day will make you feel more connected to each other. Even after all the stress and exhaustion, you will be on the same page, and it will also give you some clarity about the challenges you both want to overcome together. 

12. No sex 

Among other marriage issues after a second baby, the most challenging is keeping your sex life alive. With all the sleepless nights, overbearing responsibilities, and exhaustion, couples don’t even think about having sex. 

Having no sex makes couples feel disconnected, and that is common. Ensure it doesn’t harm your relationship and make you feel the marriage is falling apart after the baby. The connection can be reestablished with a plan, not instantly but eventually. 

You will have to plan dates to take time out for each other and get into bed without being disturbed by the babies. You will have to plan sex nights according to your and your babies’ schedules. 

Establishing a healthy sex routine will make you feel more relaxed and confident about your relationship. 

13. Focus on becoming closer 

You might feel disconnected without long, deep conversations or date nights, but you can channel all the challenges and stress positively. Instead of thinking about yourselves as individuals, think about being partners together. 

Most couples forget that it is just a phase and that things will be easier with time. Be supportive and focus on overcoming everything. Instead of being overwhelmed by the responsibilities, focus on constructive solutions that will bring you closer. Hold onto the good for each other.

Watch Steph Anya, a licensed marriage and family therapist, talk about how to build emotional intimacy in your relationship in this video:

14. Don’t play the blame game

People might say, “Having a second child ruined my life,” or you would hear about people getting divorced after a second baby, but all these negatives will only happen if you forget that it’s not a blame game. 

At any given point, you need to remember that when you had the first child, you thought that you and your partner should know everything, but the reality is that all parents have made mistakes and learned from them. 

After a second baby in the marriage, people keep expectations of being a perfect parent because they have already done it. Still, with every baby, the challenges can be different. 

Instead of blaming each other for the new mistakes, learn to laugh at them. Be more relaxed as you have many things figured out. Think about it as a second round of the game that you will win by supporting each other.

Marriage problems after a second baby can be crucial, but there is nothing that you can’t conquer if you just put the right amount of effort and planning into it.  

15. Try counseling

Most people forget to focus on becoming a family after a second baby is born. If you struggle to put that perspective into play, visiting a professional therapist or counselor would be better. 

If you can’t make enough time and think your marriage is in trouble, you can also look for an online save my marriage course. 

There are many options if you want things to work out. Keep a positive approach and focus on building a family rather than giving in to temporary problems and situations. 

FAQs

Having a baby is a life-changing experience that can impact a couple’s relationship. It is common for couples to face challenges during this time and have various questions about their struggles. Below, we have answered all the common queries you may have regarding a second baby and marriage problems: 

• Why do couples struggle after having a baby?

Couples often struggle after having a baby due to increased stress, lack of sleep, changes in identity and roles, decreased quality time together, postpartum mood disorders, and disagreements over parenting styles or division of responsibilities.

• How do I save my marriage after having a baby?

To save a marriage after having a baby, prioritize open and honest communication, seek support from loved ones or professionals, make time for each other, show appreciation and gratitude, understand the impact of postpartum depression on both partners and attend couples therapy.

• Why do most couples break up after having a second baby?

Some couples break up after having a second baby due to added stressors and challenges. These may include increased financial burdens, lack of personal time or freedom, reduced couple’s time, being overwhelmed by the demands of multiple children, differences in parenting philosophies, and lack of emotional connection.

What’s next for your relationship now you have a baby?  

No one ever said that this human life was easy. Children are a wonderful blessing who give many people purpose. However, they also come with challenges. 

To avoid marriage problems after a second baby, communicate, plan, and adapt your new roles. Talk about your emotions and find the best way to collaborate together to problem-solve. 

Anything is possible if you stay open-minded, curious, and compassionate. If in doubt, join this marriage course online that you can easily follow from home. 

You’ll learn to implement teamwork, rituals to bring you closer, and how to resolve conflicts that will keep you away from marital problems after a second baby. You owe it to yourselves and your children to nurture a loving and stable relationship.