10 Tips on How to Fix an Unhappy Marriage

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The reason why many marriages become unhappy has a lot to do with tension, miscommunication, betrayal, disappointment, and many other painful things associated with love in relationships. 

Depending on the circumstances of your own love story, there are some steps that could be taken to fix your unhappy marriage.

There is a chance for you to reach the light at the end of what is likely going to be a very long tunnel. This will require some marriage re-education, bravery, and willingness to take the right steps.

However, rebuilding a marriage isn’t necessarily going to be a process of ongoing improvement, full of successful outcomes. Sometimes it might get a little bit worse before it gets any better. As everything meaningful in life, a marriage needs effort, time, and dedication, but you need to make sure that you are using those valuable resources in the right way.

Related Reading: 5 Steps on How to Fix an Unhappy Marriage

10 tips on how to fix an unhappy marriage

Do you often feel, “I am unhappy in my relationship but don’t want to break up?”

So, how to fix a marriage when one is unhappy?

To give you a clearer direction in terms of what you need to do to fix your unhappy marriage, we recommend these 10 steps on how to fix an unhappy marriage can guide you towards more fulfillment and happiness with your current partner:

1. Stop causing further damage to your marriage

How to repair my marriage?

The most immediate thing for how to fix an unhappy marriage and stop causing further damage is to avoid the most common marital mistakes made by couples. These mistakes include:

• Initiating needless conflicts/arguments/debates
• Victimising, begging and pleading (especially when it is done in public)
• Blaming and accusing your partner
• Turning to emotional blackmailing in order to control your partner
• Bad-mouthing your partner

Even though, at times, the appeal to engage in such behaviors can seem irresistible, it is crucial that we take a step back and refrain from causing further damage to our marriage by finding alternative ways to deal with hurt, tension, or frustration.

2. Eliminate the urge to “act out” on negative feelings

As previously mentioned, negative feelings are related to tension, miscommunication, betrayal, and disappointment can be a great source of unhappiness and a sense of failure in many marriages.

To fix and heal the struggling relationship, we first need to stop causing more negativity (step 1) and then learn how to deal with the negativity that is already there (step 2).

It might not be a pleasure to hear this, but realistically, no one wants to be married to a person who is always depressed, angry, struggling, insecure, or clingy. That’s just how things are, and no one is to be blamed for that fact of life. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, what you can do is develop a capacity to deal with negativity in an effective and self-empowering way.

Instead of “acting out,” you can learn to “act within.” Besides being the best thing that happened to your marriage, this ability will support you in becoming extremely resilient in life, in general.

Dr. Jennifer Schulz, PhD in Psychology, says

Life can be stressful, but taking the tension out on your partner never leads to happy outcomes. Finding adaptive ways to cope, such as by maintaining a calendar, taking time for exercise, or practicing deep breathing, can make a world of difference.

Relate Reading: How to Fix a Negative Relationship

3. Let go of the need to always be right

The need to always be right is usually used for only one thing- murdering your marriage. The fights and arguments that are initiated to make this “power game” possible are only generating losers, guilt, and resentment.

Even if you “win” an argument, the satisfying feeling of moral victory is usually very short-lived. In a matter of seconds, your glory can turn into guilt and regret, and that’s why being happy is more important than being “right.”

Dr. Schulz states,

The end goal of conflict is to arrive at a mutual understanding, not to win an argument.

Also Try: Do We Fight Too Much Quiz

4. Acknowledge the current challenges and possibilities

One way to do this is to become honest with yourself and others and do an inventory of your marriage that includes answers to questions like these ones:

• How unhappy do you feel in your marriage?
• In what way is the unhappiness of your marriage influencing your children (if there are any)?
• What is the price you are paying for being unhappily married? How is your career doing? What about your friendships?
• How is marital unhappiness influencing your sense of self-worth?
• How is the quality of your sex life? What is the level of emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage?
• In what way is your unhappy marriage impacting your overall health and well-being?

You can do this exercise on your own and use it as a reflective practice, or you can share it with someone you trust and have confidence in (could be your partner too if you feel that this is the correct thing to do).

5. Turn your marital struggles into personal growth opportunities

At this point, your unhappy marriage might seem like a total nightmare, and it might be difficult to recognize the positive sides of your circumstances. The fact that you don’t see the positive sides doesn’t mean that there aren’t any, so having a look from another perspective can help you recognize the great learning potential that is available in an unhappy marriage.

As marriages present our opportunity to mend our core childhood wounds, if you manage to fix your current marital situation, you will, at the same time, heal your very own soul. Usually, the partners we choose have the ability to trigger the painful patterns that keep us stuck and unhappy in life.

If we learn to rise above our childhood conditioning and reinvent ourselves through awareness and healthy habits, we will have the ability to experience fuller and richer life, including a happier marriage.

Related Reading: 4 Steps to Fix Marriage Problems Before It’s Too Late

6. Build healthy communication skills

Healthy communication in marriage is one of the important pillars of marriage. In a good and healthy marriage, couples are able to talk freely, openly, and honestly with each other.  Not only do they express their feelings without any inhibitions, but they also listen to each other’s concerns empathetically. 

Healthy communication leads the way to address each other’s concerns. In any relationship, it is normal to be off-track at times, and the emotions can spill all over the place. However, the right communication skill is one of the most important tools of how to fix an unhappy marriage.

7. Make your marriage a priority

Many couples could be unhappy in marriage and wonder what to do about it. One of the ways of how to mend a marriage is to keep loving each other and continue showing acts of love. 

Making your marriage a priority means ensuring that you and your partner are connected on an everyday basis. This also means spending alone time together, appreciating your spouse, and avoiding over-committing to each other.

It is natural for couples to drift apart after long periods of marriage, but some changes in the relationship are sure to fix a failed relationship.

Related Reading: 10 Ways to Show Your Love to Your Partner

8. Practice forgiveness 

A relationship can face several wounds, and if partners don’t forgive each other from time to time, there will be a lack of trust and empathy in the relationship. Moreover, forgiveness also brings freedom to the relationship.

Forgiveness also means that the partners love and accept each other in full spirit. Also, carrying a weight of resentment and unforgiveness puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. 

Research also suggests that not letting go of resentment and not practicing forgiveness has physical effects.

Check out this video below where Eileen Fein teaches how meditation can help couples practice forgiveness.

9. Create boundaries

Unhappily married couples could possibly not be creating space between them. As much as it is important to spend time together, boundaries in the relationship are also a way of how to fix an unhappy marriage.

Unhappiness in marriage often creeps in when boundaries are absent. Boundaries are basically a line that couples create to avoid exploitation and manipulation in marriage, and they are necessary because they make both the spouses take the responsibility and a step to resolve conflicts. 

Some of the necessary boundaries in marriage are giving each other freedom, having self-control, avoiding physical abuse, envy, rudeness. Saying ‘No’ is an important aspect of keeping the set boundaries thriving and the relationship healthy.

Related Reading: 15 Signs You Need Space in Your Relationship

10. Get help

Couples therapy is often taken as one of the last resorts or steps to repair a marriage, and spouses only approach therapists when they feel miserable in a marriage. 

However, as a solution to how to fix an unhappy marriage, couples counseling can be a part of the process along with taking other steps to build the marriage. 

Therapists give more focused ways to fix a marriage based on the specific problem of the couple. They can also guide you with the right tools to fix a marriage when one is unhappy.

Related Reading: Couples Counseling and Why It’s so Important

Takeaway

An unhappy marriage needs attention, love, and care. It needs to be tended just as a plant needs to be nurtured.

Building a healthy marriage takes a lot of work, and when for one or another reason, the relationship moves towards doom, couples need to work extremely hard to save a failing marriage, and the aforementioned steps are sure to help you build a beautiful love life together.