How to Forgive the Unforgivable: 13 Tips for Relationships

Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude. — Martin Luther King Jr.

Forgiving the unforgivable can feel like trying to climb a mountain with no peak in sight. It’s that heavy feeling in your chest when trust is shattered, and the echoes of hurt linger far too long.

You might wonder, “How do I move past this?” or “Can I really forgive my partner for something so painful?” It’s normal to wrestle with these questions, especially when the wounds are deep and the scars are still fresh.

But here’s the thing—learning how to forgive the unforgivable isn’t just about letting go of the past; it’s about reclaiming your peace and finding a path forward. 

So, how do you start this journey? How to forgive your partner when it feels impossible? 

And, if you’re the one who’s caused the hurt, how to ask for forgiveness? This article will guide you through essential tips that can help you find a way to move forward, even when it seems like there’s no way out.

What are forgivable and unforgivable things in a relationship?

In every relationship, there are moments where things go off track—sometimes in small ways and sometimes in ways that feel like they’ve derailed everything you thought you had. 

But not every mistake carries the same weight, and that’s where things get tricky. How do you know what’s forgivable and what crosses the line into the realm of the unforgivable?

Forgivable vs. unforgivable: What’s the Difference?

Understanding the difference between forgivable and unforgivable actions is crucial when it comes to deciding how to move forward. Let’s break it down:

Potential Forgivable Things	Potential Unforgivable Things
Small lies: Like saying you enjoyed dinner when you didn’t.	Betrayal of trust: Cheating or deceit that shatters the foundation of your relationship.
Forgetting important dates: Missing an anniversary because of a busy schedule.	Abuse (Physical, Emotional, or Verbal): Actions that harm your well-being.
Minor disagreements: Disagreeing on where to go for dinner or what movie to watch.	Constant dishonesty: Lying repeatedly about significant issues.
Neglecting chores: Leaving the dishes undone or forgetting to take out the trash.	Disrespecting boundaries: Consistently crossing lines that have been clearly set.
Flawed communication: Misunderstandings or arguments due to poor communication skills.	Manipulation: Controlling or gaslighting behavior that undermines your sense of self.

Forgiveness is an individual call

When it comes to how to forgive the unforgivable, it’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t always mean forgetting or even continuing the relationship as it was. 

Forgiving someone might be about releasing the grip that the pain has on you, allowing you to heal and move forward, whether that’s together or apart.

On the flip side, when something is forgivable, it’s about recognizing that we’re all human, prone to mistakes, and worthy of second chances. It’s about weighing the love, trust, and respect that still exists against the hurt that was caused.

So, how to forgive someone when the lines aren’t so clear? This is where honest reflection and communication come into play. What’s most important is recognizing what your boundaries are and understanding the impact of the actions in question.

The decision to forgive—whether for the forgivable or the seemingly unforgivable—is deeply personal and depends on the dynamics of your relationship.

What is the role of forgiveness in a relationship?

Forgiveness is more than just a word; it’s an action, a choice, and sometimes, a journey. It’s about deciding what’s worth holding onto and what’s better left behind, allowing love and connection to flourish.

A glue that holds together

Forgiveness in a relationship is a nice-to-have but it’s also the glue that keeps everything from falling apart when things get rough. No matter how perfect things may seem, disagreements, mistakes, and misunderstandings are bound to happen. 

It’s in these moments that forgiveness steps in, allowing couples to move past the hurt and focus on the love that brought them together in the first place. Imagine if every small mistake was held onto forever—resentment would build, and the relationship would slowly erode.

Healing through forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t just about letting someone off the hook; it’s about healing your own heart. When your partner hurts you, whether intentionally or not, it leaves a mark. But holding onto that pain can be like carrying a heavy backpack around all the time—exhausting and limiting. 

Learning how to forgive people who hurt you, especially in a relationship, is like setting that backpack down. It doesn’t erase the past, but it lightens your load and gives you the freedom to move forward with more clarity and peace.

The challenge of forgiving the unforgivable

Then there’s the big stuff—the betrayals and deep wounds that feel impossible to move past. This is where learning how to forgive the unforgivable becomes a true test of strength. 

It’s not about pretending everything is okay or sweeping issues under the rug; it’s about facing the pain head-on, processing it, and then deciding whether or not to rebuild. 

Sometimes, forgiving the unforgivable might mean redefining the relationship or even walking away, but it always involves finding a way to let go of the anger and hurt so it doesn’t consume you.

How does forgiving your partner affect your relationship?

Forgiving your partner can be a powerful way to strengthen your relationship. Here’s how:

• When you forgive, you open the door to rebuilding trust. It shows your partner that you’re willing to move forward and work on the relationship.
• Letting go of past hurts allows for deeper emotional connections. When both partners feel safe to make mistakes and be forgiven, they’re more likely to be vulnerable and honest with each other.
• Holding onto grudges can breed resentment, which slowly erodes the love in a relationship. Forgiveness helps to release that negative energy, making space for positivity and growth.
• Forgiveness is as much about healing yourself as it is about healing the relationship. It’s a way to move on from the pain and start fresh, allowing both partners to grow together rather than apart.

However, forgiveness isn’t always the right answer. There are situations where forgiving your partner can actually be toxic:

• If your partner continuously breaks your trust, forgiving them might enable their behavior rather than encouraging change. These are the kinds of things you can’t forgive in a relationship without risking your own well-being.
• Forgiving someone for abusive behavior—whether physical, emotional, or verbal—can be dangerous. In these cases, forgiveness might keep you trapped in a harmful cycle, making it difficult to break free.
• If your partner uses your forgiveness to manipulate or control you, it’s a red flag. Forgiving in these situations can make you feel powerless and further entangled in an unhealthy dynamic.

How to forgive the unforgivable things in a relationship: 13 points to consider

Forgiving the unforgivable in a relationship is one of the hardest things you’ll ever face. It’s like standing at a crossroads, knowing that either path will change everything. 

The journey to forgiveness is deeply personal and often messy, but if you’re determined to try, these 13 points will guide you through the process.

1. Acknowledge the depth of your pain and hurt

Forgiveness begins with acknowledging just how much you’ve been hurt. This step is crucial because it allows you to confront your emotions head-on rather than burying them. Ignoring the pain won’t make it disappear; it will only resurface later in unhealthy ways.

Example: After discovering that your partner has been lying about their finances, you may feel betrayed and unsure of your future together. Instead of minimizing these feelings, you take a moment to fully acknowledge the pain and the impact it has on your trust.

2. Give yourself permission to feel everything

Emotions are complex, especially after a deep betrayal. You might feel anger, sadness, confusion, or even numbness. It’s important to give yourself the space to experience these emotions without judgment. This emotional release is part of the healing process.

Example: After a heated argument where your partner said hurtful things, you allow yourself to cry, to be angry, and to express your frustration rather than bottling it all up.

3. Understand that forgiveness is a choice, not an obligation

Forgiveness is something you choose to give, not something you owe to anyone. It’s important to recognize that you are in control of this decision. You should only forgive when it feels right for you, not because you feel pressured by others.

Example: Friends might tell you to forgive your partner and move on, but you know deep down that forgiveness is your decision to make. You decide to take your time and consider what’s best for you before making any decisions.

4. Take your time to process what happened

There’s no rush when it comes to processing a betrayal. Take all the time you need to understand what happened, why it happened, and how it has affected you. Rushing into forgiveness can lead to unresolved emotions that may cause problems later on.

Example: After discovering infidelity, you decide to take a break from the relationship to truly process the betrayal. You spend time alone, thinking about what it means for your future together.

5. Communicate openly with your partner about your feelings

Open and honest communication is key to moving forward. Your partner needs to understand the impact of their actions on you. This conversation can be difficult, but it’s essential for rebuilding trust and healing.

Example: You sit down with your partner and express how their dishonesty made you feel. You explain that you’re hurt, disappointed, and struggling to trust them again, but you’re willing to have an open dialogue to see if you can move forward.

6. Seek clarity on whether the relationship can truly heal

Not all relationships can survive a deep betrayal, and that’s okay. It’s important to assess whether the relationship is salvageable and whether both of you are willing to put in the work to heal.

Example: After a series of lies, you ask yourself if you can ever fully trust your partner again. You have an honest conversation with them to see if they’re willing to make changes and rebuild what was broken.

7. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself moving forward

Forgiveness doesn’t mean things go back to the way they were. Setting boundaries is crucial to protect yourself and ensure that the same mistakes aren’t repeated. These boundaries help you feel secure and respected.

Example: After a breach of trust, you establish a boundary that certain behaviors, like secretive texting, are unacceptable. You make it clear that this boundary is necessary for you to feel safe in the relationship.

8. Reflect on your own values and what forgiveness means to you

Forgiveness is a deeply personal concept. Take time to reflect on what it means to you and how it aligns with your values. This reflection will guide your decision on whether and how to forgive.

Example: You realize that for you, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or excusing the behavior; it’s about finding peace within yourself and deciding if the relationship aligns with your values of honesty and respect.

9. Consider seeking professional help, like therapy, to navigate the process

Sometimes, the pain is too deep to navigate alone. A therapist can provide guidance, helping you explore your feelings and develop strategies for forgiveness. Therapy can also help you and your partner communicate better and work through the issues.

Example: You decide to go to couples therapy after a major betrayal to help you both understand the underlying issues and work through the pain with professional support.

10. Accept that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean erasing what happened from your memory. It’s about learning to live with the past without letting it control your future. The memory will remain, but its power over you can diminish with time.

Example: Even after forgiving your partner for a serious mistake, you remember the event, but you choose not to let it define your relationship. You work together to build a stronger future, acknowledging the past but not letting it dominate your present.

“Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.” Watch this video to understand the biblical concepts of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration:

11. Evaluate whether trust can be rebuilt over time

Trust is fragile and, once broken, takes time to restore. Forgiveness is just the first step; rebuilding trust requires consistent effort and patience. Ask yourself if your partner is committed to earning your trust back and if you’re willing to give them that chance.

Example: After a betrayal, you decide to give your partner another chance, but you’re clear that trust will need to be rebuilt slowly over time. You both agree to work on rebuilding that trust through honest communication and transparency.

12. Understand that forgiveness might lead to a new beginning or an ending

Forgiveness can open the door to a fresh start, but it can also signal the end of a relationship. Sometimes, forgiving someone means letting go and moving on. Be open to whatever outcome aligns with your peace and happiness.

Example: After a long period of reflection, you realize that while you’ve forgiven your partner, the relationship can’t continue in a healthy way. You decide that the best way to move forward is to part ways, knowing you’ve done all you can.

13. Be prepared to walk away if forgiveness doesn’t lead to change

If your partner continues to hurt you despite your forgiveness, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. Forgiveness should lead to growth, not repeated pain. Don’t be afraid to walk away if the situation doesn’t improve.

Example: You forgive your partner after a betrayal, but months later, you see the same patterns of behavior emerging. Realizing that nothing has changed, you decide to end the relationship to protect your well-being.

The courage to forgive

Forgiving the unforgivable is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever face, but it’s also an opportunity for profound growth. It’s not just about the other person; it’s about reclaiming your peace and deciding what you want your future to look like. 

Forgiveness is a choice—a powerful, personal one that can lead to healing, whether that means mending the relationship or finding the strength to move on. Remember, forgiveness isn’t about excusing the hurt; it’s about freeing yourself from its grip. 

Trust in your own resilience and wisdom. Know that whatever path you choose, it’s yours to shape. And in the end, whether you stay or walk away, you’ll find that the act of forgiveness—no matter how difficult—can be the key to unlocking a life filled with greater peace and clarity.