15 Subtle Signs Your Husband Resents You & What to Do About It

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You are married to a wonderful man and you love him very much. There might be something that keeps you from totally letting down your guard and being completely vulnerable with him. 

You’re spending too much time by yourself, not getting enough sleep, or finding reasons to slam doors in frustration because your husband resents you.

According to Christiana Njoku, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Relationship Coach and Marriage Mentor,

Resentment is a poison that seeps into the soul of marriage and if its toxicity is not detected early, and flushed out on time with empathy and understanding, it can erode the love that once flourished.

Resentment is a terrible thing. It can also be extremely damaging to a relationship, and it’s important to know how to address the issue early on.  Read on to learn more about resentment and the 15 subtle signs your husband resents you.

What is the meaning of your husband’s resentment toward you?

Do you have a hard time understanding your husband’s resentments toward you? He could be telling you that he has a huge problem with something that happened in the past or something he perceives as an injustice. Here is what his resentment towards you means.

1. He is stressed by work or other issues

If your husband is stressed by work or other issues, there is a good chance he will feel resentful toward you. He might be feeling angry and frustrated about how you are making him feel like he can’t handle everything on his own.

2. You are ignoring him

He feels ignored by you. He may feel as if he is not being heard and that he has no voice in the home. He may feel that he does not have a say in what happens in the household. 

He is also likely to feel that you are not allowing him to express himself freely.

3. You are controlling him

He feels like your decisions do not reflect his needs or desires and that you are making all the decisions without talking to him first. This can be frustrating for both of you, especially if he feels like you usually make all of the decisions. 

According to Christiana Njoku,

A controlling grasp can suffocate love; remember, freedom to choose is the oxygen that keeps relationships alive.

It can also be very unsettling for him if your thoughts about his needs and desires do not align with what he wants.

4. He is jealous of your success

When a man finds himself being resentful over his wife’s success, it may be that he has been trying to achieve the same level of success for himself but has not been able to do so. It could also mean that he feels inadequate and needs to prove himself as a man.

Related Reading: 20 Signs He Is Jealous but Won’t Admit It

5. You are disrespecting him

You may have said or done something that makes him feel you don’t respect him as a man. You may be treating him like a child when he’s not acting like one.

6. You are criticizing him

Your husband may feel criticized by you when he does not deserve it. He may feel that he has done nothing wrong and that you are picking on him for no reason at all.

7. You are not living up to his expectations

If your husband feels that his wife is not living up to her responsibilities in the family or outside of the home, he may be upset with you over this matter as well.

When is it likely that your husband will resent you?

Do you know how to tell if someone resents you? You might be fooling yourself if you think your husband will never resent you for the way you treat him. Watch out for these instances that will make him resent you.

1. When you are nagging too often

A man can become resentful if you are nagging him too often. If you are constantly complaining about the same things, he might feel that he is not making enough money and there is no way for him to make more money.

2. When you don’t care about the same things

If your husband wants to do something and you don’t want him to, then there will be resentment. 

It’s natural for us to want to do things with our spouses that define who we are as people, so if your husband is interested in something and you find it boring or tedious, then there could be resentment on both sides.

3. When you don’t let him be with his friends

If you don’t let your husband have time with his friends, he might feel like you don’t value him. He’ll probably resent the fact that you won’t let him be himself.

4. When you try to control him

If you try to control him too much, he may get upset with this behavior and resentful of how much control you have over his life.

This can happen when you try to make decisions for both of you without consulting your husband first or when you decide which friends he should hang out with.

5. When you don’t support him in his goals

This can happen because he feels like he’s not being heard, or because he feels like you don’t care about him as much as other people. Some men are more sensitive than others, but even if your husband doesn’t seem to mind your differences, it can still be a problem for the relationship.

6. When you’re busy and fail to notice him

If you are too busy with your career and fail to notice him, he will feel neglected and unloved. The best way to avoid resentment is to be available to your husband as often as possible. 

Make time for him when he needs it most; when he’s sick, going through a tough time at work, or coming home with a headache from working too hard.

15 Subtle signs your husband resents you

How can you tell if there is resentment in your relationship if there are no obvious signs? Here are some subtle signs your husband resents you. 

1. He’s always blaming you for being controlling

He will complain that you’re overbearing and are constantly making him feel guilty. He may even accuse you of being bossy and controlling. If you find him always complaining, it is among signs of resentment in relationships.

Related Reading: How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything

2. He’s constantly telling you to lighten up

A lot of people think their husbands are being funny when they say things like “lighten up” or “don’t take everything so seriously.” 

But when your husband is saying these things over and over again, it could mean that he resents how much control over his life you have, which is probably something he doesn’t want in the first place.

3. He doesn’t want you around his family

When you resent your spouse, you try to detach them from people that are close to you. Some couples prefer separate households because of differing religious beliefs or work schedules, but if your husband refuses to allow you into his immediate family circle, then this could mean that he resents you.

4. He won’t let you make decisions about the finances

If your husband is making all of the financial decisions in your family and feels like you have no say in them, then it could be a sign that he resents having to rely on you financially and emotionally as well as physically.

5. You catch him going through your personal effects

While it may seem like a good thing to be open, in this case, it’s not. It’s actually a subtle sign of resentment. He may not say these things out loud, but he does resent you and it drives him to look for mistakes that can further justify his resentment towards you.

6. He keeps secrets from you

Many women complain that ‘my husband resents me’ because they notice their partners keeping secrets from them. If you can’t access his cell phone and even the passwords to his email accounts, then he’s probably keeping secrets from you because he doesn’t trust you with them.

7. He questions every purchase you make

If your husband constantly questions every purchase, then this could be because he doesn’t trust you and suspects something else is going on behind the scenes. Resenting your spouse also reflects in him not agreeing with your financial decisions.

8. He always criticizes your choice of clothes or hairstyle

He’s always on your case about how you dress, even if you don’t look like a frumpy housewife. He may have a thing for the opposite sex, but he doesn’t like to see you looking attractive, regardless of your sex appeal. It is one of the strong signs your husband resents you.

9. When he makes plans, it never includes you

When he has to make a plan for the day, it doesn’t include you.  This is a sign of a resentful husband. He doesn’t want anything to do with you when there are other people around.

10. He never admits he’s wrong

He never admits he’s wrong or apologizes for something wrong or hurtful he did or said to you. No matter how much evidence there is that he’s wrong and his apology would help things better between the two of you, he refuses to admit any wrongdoing or apologize for anything at all.

11. He ignores your texts and calls

If this behavior becomes an issue in the relationship, it can be a sign that there is some underlying resentment going on in his mind towards you.

Related Reading: 15 Important Tips on What to Do When He Texts After Ignoring You

12. Physical intimacy is non-existent

When one or both partners have little interest in physical intimacy, this can cause tension and resentment within the couple’s bond.

13. He sulks and refuses to talk

He might also be sulking because he feels guilty or is having a hard time dealing with an issue that came up recently.

Related Reading: My Husband Won’t Talk to Me: 15 Reasons

14. He brings up old issues

If your husband brings up old issues, it could be because he’s still holding onto things from the past. This kind of resentment can be especially harmful to a marriage because it prevents your husband from moving on with his life and enjoying your future together.

15. He looks elsewhere for attention and affirmation

He may also be looking elsewhere for attention and affirmation, such as from his friends or family members. While this type of behavior is not necessarily a sign of resentment, if you notice it happening more than once, then it’s something worth discussing with a professional counselor.

Watch relationship expert Susan Winter giving tips on catching your partner’s attention, in this video:

9 tips for dealing with your husband’s resentment towards you

Dealing with resentment can be really tough because you have to deal with the anxiety while thinking about remedial actions. Here are some tips on how to deal with someone who resents you.

1. Don’t feel guilty about it.
2. Don’t let the resentment drag you down into a pit of depression and self-loathing.
3. Don’t try to make him jealous by flirting with other men or introducing him to friends who are interested in him.
4. Try not to respond aggressively when he is angry at you, for example, by saying things like “You never listen!” or “You’re such a baby!” or “Why do I have to do everything?”
5. Remember, if your husband is angry at you over something that has little or nothing to do with you, it might be helpful for you to speak up and ask him what the problem is instead of getting defensive and blaming yourself all the time.
6. Try not to make any decisions on your own without discussing them with your husband first, even if he does not agree with them or even if they seem insignificant in comparison to what he has wanted all along.
7. Apologize for your mistakes, even if you don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong.
8. When he says something negative about you, don’t take it personally or let it affect how you feel about yourself, but rather try to understand why he feels that way.
9. Make Him Feel Special. Focus on the positive things about your husband, such as how he helps out around the house and how much he loves you.

Answering some common questions

There can be a number of anxiety-stricken questions arising in your mind if you realize your husband resents you for certain things. You might get nervous thinking about what the future holds for you. Let’s try to answer some questions in this context.

• How to deal with a spouse who hates you?

You can try to reason with him. If there is a problem between the two of you that can be resolved, then this may be an option for dealing with your spouse who hates you.

• Can resentment destroy a marriage?

Resentment destroys a marriage. It’s an ugly thing to admit, but it’s true. Resentment is like cancer that slowly eats away at the relationship until one or both partners no longer want to be married.

What’s the road ahead?

Resentment is a complex emotion. It’s different from anger, and it can’t be easily erased by simply apologizing for your behavior. If you believe your husband genuinely resents you, you’ll get the most effective results by trying to understand why before taking any action.  

Only when you’re clear about what actions have triggered this resentment can you try to remedy the situation. And that’s why it is important to go for a counseling marriage course, such as a save my marriage course, so that you are more likely to save your marriage.