17 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic

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“My husband is not affectionate or romantic with me,” said Sindy during the first session with her therapist.

She and her husband, Jared, had been together for over a decade before they got married. They were both high school sweethearts who met each other during their freshman year and shared a strong and loving relationship. 

No one could deny the fact that they were head over heels in love with each other. However, after they married, she feels they have slowly drifted apart, and her husband is not romantic anymore.

She felt that their relationship had become more monotonous as time passed. She craved hugs and kisses from her husband but wasn’t getting the affection she wanted from her marriage.

It made her feel like she was being taken for granted and that their marriage would not work out because her needs were not being met. This is the classic story that many marriage counselors come across.

So, have you found yourself in a situation similar to Cindy’s? In this post, we will go over the question, “Why doesn’t my husband show me affection?” and share how to bring the affection you crave into your marriage.

Let’s get started.

Why do husbands stop being romantic?

Dwindling affection in relationships has many reasons. Before you know what to do when a husband shows no affection, you should know why a man doesn’t show affection and the signs of an unromantic husband.

Let’s take a look at some reasons in this section of the article: 

• Different love languages

You and your husband may have different love languages. While you may like being held and cuddled, your husband may prefer acts of service. Dr. Gary Chapman highlights five other love languages in his books: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of kindness.

Life Coach Jaclyn Hunt says

We often want romance to be spontaneous, however that may be a bit unrealistic in today’s world. No one can read our mind so we must teach each other what we like and what we want in a very direct way. For instance, if you want flowers, do not hint at it. Express your delight in the hope that your partner will bring you flowers some time this month.

• Communication issues

You and your husband may be experiencing two different marriages altogether! Things couldn’t be better for him, but you might feel like your needs aren’t met.

LMFT, Dr. Kimberly VanBuren says

Couples might perceive their marriage through vastly different lenses. While one deems the relationship thriving, the other could feel overlooked and unfulfilled.

• Different properties

Your husband may be prioritizing other things, such as his career, at the moment. The list can go on! 

Is it normal for a husband to not show affection?

Has your husband’s lack of action taken you down the rabbit hole of overthinking or thinking about the worst-case scenario?

You may feel a lot of distance in your marriage, and that love is slowly leaving your relationship. You may think your husband doesn’t love you like he did when you were dating.

Some might even jump to conclusions and think that their husband doesn’t show affection because they are having an affair!

I feel like you’re putting a lot of effort into your marriage, and your husband is not affectionate or doing anything. You try to please your husband, expecting him to do the same in return, but he seems not to get the hint!

Does that sound a lot like you? It’ll bring you a little bit of relief to know that you’re not the only one going through this—thousands of women worldwide are feeling precisely the way you do.

These women feel like they have tried everything, but it does not seem to work, and they feel helpless–as if they are trying to open a door that is shut. Despite all the efforts, they feel their husband is distant and not affectionate.

Gender differences and their role in marriages

Hunt says

Romance is defined differently for different people. A walk in the park or a candlelit dinner. Romance can be cleaning up the dishes. Clear definitions of romance in your relationship will make it more likely to feel that romantic spark one again.

So the first thing they ask in counseling is,” Is it normal for a husband not to show affection?”

The thing is, when we get married, we have this image of a happily ever after. I mean, isn’t that what all movies taught us that marriage brings? The truth is men and women are wired differently. You see, men look at rewards differently than women do.

When women put more effort into a marriage, it’s normal for a husband to take a back seat and let her do the driving. 

When a guy’s wife puts a lot of effort into the marriage, it may seem like he’s doing something right, which is why she is trying to please him.

With that train of thought, the husband stops making a lot of effort because he already has everything he needs and thinks that he’s putting an equal amount of work into the relationship.

However, women see rewards differently. They put work into a relationship, thinking they will also get their needs met. It all comes down to the way that we were socialized as kids. Let’s go back to dating.

Traditionally, men are the ones who do the chasing and try to please their significant others by bringing them flowers and gifts, taking them out on dates, etc. They’re eager to please their partners and put the effort in to win them over.

However, as time passes, their efforts dwindle due to many factors, and they settle into a committed life. Your husband might not even be aware that he’s not affectionate because you meet his needs for affection.

Now, if you start doing the work and putting all the effort into the relationship, it is normal for your husband to assume that you’re trying to win him over–which means that he’s doing everything right.

In most cases, the husbands are oblivious to how their wives feel! For them, the marriage couldn’t be better! Men don’t do well with subtle cues and emotional undertones, as one might think. Studies show that men and women use different parts of the brain for language!

If you go to your female friends with this problem, they will empathize with you and understand how you’re feeling. However, if you go to a male friend, he may not understand your situation at all!

7 reasons why your husband is not affectionate or romantic

In marriage, when one spouse stops showing affection, it can cause an uproar of questions in the other spouse’s mind. They may want to know the reason why their partner has stopped being romantic. 

So, if you’re wondering, “Why is my husband not affectionate?” it’s important to note that individual relationships are unique. There could be various reasons why your husband may not be as affectionate or romantic as you would like. 

Communication is key to understanding the specific dynamics of your relationship. However, here are seven general reasons that could contribute to a lack of affection or romance:

• Communication issues: Perhaps there’s a lack of communication about each other’s needs and expectations. It’s possible that your husband may not be aware of your desire for more affection or romance.
• Stress and pressure: External factors such as work, financial stress, or other life pressures can impact one’s ability to express affection or engage in romantic gestures.
• Different love languages: People express and perceive love in different ways. Your love language might be different from your husband’s, leading to a mismatch in the ways you both express and receive affection.
• Previous relationship patterns: Past experiences can influence how individuals express affection, especially in previous relationships. If there have been negative experiences, it might affect one’s willingness to be openly affectionate.
• Cultural or upbringing differences: Cultural or familial backgrounds can play a role in shaping one’s attitudes toward affection and romance. Different upbringings may result in varying comfort levels with expressing love.
• Health issues: Physical or mental health concerns can impact a person’s ability to engage in affectionate or romantic behavior. It’s essential to consider whether there might be underlying health issues affecting your husband.
• Unresolved issues: Relationship issues or unresolved conflicts can create emotional distance and affect the level of affection and romance in a marriage. Addressing and resolving any lingering problems may help improve the overall dynamic.

17 things to do when your husband is not affectionate or romantic

When Sindy said the words, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic,” to her therapist, she was told the following:

“You cannot change or manipulate your partner into treating you differently, but you can change yourself. Bringing about positive changes within yourself will act as a catalyst to bring a change in your marriage.” 

The statement hit home for Sindy. She decided to stop thinking, “Why am I not affectionate?” and start working on herself. After all, marriage is the union between two individuals. So, the question is, how to deal with a partner who is not affectionate?

Here’s what to do when there is no affection from your husband: 

1. Acceptance

Learn to accept your husband the way he is. Instead of focusing on where he’s lacking, please focus on the qualities he does bring to the table. Accepting your husband for who he is will make things easier for you and your partner.

2. Appreciate

Start appreciating your husband for what he’s doing for you. This will act as positive reinforcement, and he’ll naturally start doing more things that make you happy.

When you focus on good things, every problem seems easy to get by. Appreciate your partner more than you do, and things will turn around in no time.

3. Avoid social media

Steer clear of #CoupleGoals on social media. All relationships seem perfect to an outsider. However, that usually isn’t the case in real life.

Hunt states that

Do not compare your relationship to what you see on the Internet. People tend to post highly scrutinized images that are far from reality. Focus instead on your own relationship and what makes you happy.

It would help if you understood that people on social media don’t post their fights, annoying habits, and other tense things. Social media is a decorated wall of happy moments, not their life.

4. Look within yourself

Go inward and reflect on why you keep thinking, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic, or, why does my husband never do anything special for me?” often. It isn’t his actions/inactions that affect you; it’s usually the lack of gestures that trigger within you that bothers you. 

5. Communicate

Communicate the issue to him in a friendly way and ask him to do something for you. In most cases, the husband would be eager to deliver! Communication will lead you to know the problem areas in your relationship and how you can work on them.

6. Complain reasonably

Don’t nag your husband or say things like, “You never take me out!” or “You don’t even care about me!” These statements feel more like personal attacks that may threaten him.

Make sure when you discuss problems, you keep your tone warm. It will make it easier for you to discuss the issues and avoid conflicts.

7. Pay attention

Try to learn his love language and see how he shows you affection. Steer him in the right direction if he is unable to keep up. It might be the case that he is a different kind of romantic, and you are unaware of how he shows his affection. 

8. Avoid overthinking

Stop yourself from contemplating the thought, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic.” The more you think that thought, the more pain you will cause yourself. Overthinking will only lead to negative thoughts, harming your relationship. Instead, you can try focusing your thoughts on positive things.

9. Stop criticizing

Quit trying to change your husband and criticizing him, as it will only make him feel rejected, and he will start pulling away.

Nobody wants to feel embarrassed or not good enough. So try to keep your tone empathetic when you suggest something. Rather than criticizing, give positive feedback and make him do the same.

10. Start positive conversations

Try to increase the number of positive interactions between you and do the things you used while dating. Positive communication will make you both feel happier, and it is one of the best ways to steer clear of conflicts and arguments. 

11. Increase intimacy

Build intimacy through shared experiences and sex. The closer you become to your partner, the more fulfilled you’ll start to feel.

Sometimes, a lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can make you feel detached from your partner. Try to make time for your husband to be intimate. It doesn’t have to lead to sex every time. Try to create little moments.

12. Focus on yourself

Start working on building your own life and devote time to yourself, hobbies, friends, work, etc. When you start feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life, you’ll also start feeling better about your marriage.

Make time for yourself and reconnect with your soul. It will help you align your actions and thoughts in a positive direction.

13. Talk to people

Blow off some steam with your friends and talk to the people in your life about your issues. We all need to vent sometimes. Moreover, talk to some couples going through the same phase or have been through it and ask for ideas to work with the issue.

14. Be kind

Learn to be kind to your husband and try to understand his point of view as well. Kindness costs nothing, but it’s worth a fortune. If you just try to be kinder, you will notice that your partner will listen to you better. 

15. Seek help

Talk to a counselor or therapist if you feel like you’ve tried everything! A professional therapist can guide you through different solutions. If possible, take your husband with you so that you both can be on the same page.

16. Explore love languages

Understand and appreciate the concept of love languages. People express love and affection in different ways, such as through acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, or physical touch. Discovering both your own and your husband’s love languages can provide valuable insights into how to connect more deeply.

Watch this Ted Talk featuring Psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila as she explains three evidence-based skills to nurture healthy relationships and diminish factors contributing to unhealthy ones.

17. Plan surprise moments

Take the initiative to plan surprise activities or special moments for your husband. This could be a spontaneous date night, a surprise gift, or a thoughtful gesture that shows you are invested in nurturing the relationship. Surprises can reignite the spark and create positive memories.

FAQs

In relationships, affection plays a vital role in maintaining intimacy and connection. Lack of affection can cause concerns and doubts, leading to questions about the sustainability of a marriage. Here are answers addressing some common concerns regarding affection in a marriage:

• Can a marriage survive without affection?

While affection is crucial in a marriage, relationships can survive without it to some extent. However, a lack of affection can lead to emotional disconnection and decreased overall relationship satisfaction.

• Can a lack of affection ruin relationships?

Mutual affection is key to a happy and fulfilling marriage. Lack of affection from a husband can stir things up in your relationship. 

The issue can seem small and insignificant initially, but it can create a lot of distance between you and your partner over the years. You may start feeling rejected, lonely, frustrated, and hopeless. All of these feelings will have a negative impact on your marriage’s health.

• Is lack of affection a reason to break up?

The significance of affection varies from person to person. While some individuals may prioritize affection in a relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a reason to break up. 

However, prolonged lack of affection can lead to emotional distress and relationship dissatisfaction, making it essential to address the issue through open communication or seeking professional help.

• Why is my husband not intimate with me?

There can be various reasons behind a husband’s lack of intimacy, such as stress, health issues, unresolved conflicts, or changes in desire. It’s essential to have an open and honest conversation with your husband to understand his perspective and work together toward finding solutions or seeking professional guidance if needed.

• How do you know when your husband no longer loves you?

Assessing a partner’s emotions solely based on behavior can be challenging. 

However, if you notice a consistent lack of interest, withdrawal, or a decline in emotional connection coupled with a lack of effort to address the issue, it could be an indicator that your husband no longer feels love in the relationship.

To sum up

Were we able to answer your question in detail? My husband is not affectionate or romantic, which is one of the most common reasons women find themselves on a marriage counselor’s couch. 

You may feel this way even though you’re convinced your husband loves it and there’s nothing wrong with it.

People have different love languages, and when you are in a relationship with no affection, it isn’t uncommon to find yourself feeling like you’re being taken for granted when your needs aren’t being met.

Communication is key to fixing issues in your marriage. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be on the brink of a divorce to seek marriage counseling and therapy. 

Everyone comes across issues in their marriage, and it is okay to seek help when you think things aren’t going how you want them to.