Useful Insights Into Lack of Romance in Your Relationship

Rachael Pace, Author

Rachael Pace

Expertise: Mental health, Parenting

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

Learn about Our Editorial Process

12.3k Reads

Updated: 5 Apr, 2023

Table of Contents

Acknowledge it's common to feel a quiet distance and let the truth be voiced so you both feel seen, then invite a gentle, hopeful conversation about how to rekindle connection.
Real romance grows from connection when you prioritize listening to each other and creating small, meaningful moments together, and trust that closeness will deepen as you both show up with care.
You can reclaim your spark by caring for your own emotional needs while inviting your husband to join in vulnerability and daily acts of love that rebuild closeness.

It’s such a difficult situation when a woman feels as though there is a lack of romance in her relationship with her husband. Not just because there is clearly no doubt that she loves her husband – but because she is desiring something that she may believe that she cannot achieve. And that can lead her down a lonely path, and sometimes toward marital strife – as she seeks to challenge her partner on the problems of the lack of romance in her relationship.

Of course, when discussing with a woman the lack of romance in her relationship, she may already realise that perhaps a weekly date night is a good solution. Or at least would have been if this strategy for romantic maintenance had been applied 15 years earlier and before the children, if she has any. Now, change is hard to instigate, because both parties are in a routine that is difficult to change, and the husband may not understand the significance of the problem, or even be aware of this issue. His Wife, on the other hand, is suffering greatly from this lack of romance in her relationship starts to feel more isolated, alone and fearful of the future.

It’s not just women who have been married a long time who suffer from this problem. Women early on in their marriage, or even relationships, often express their sadness at the lack of romance in her relationship.

So what can we do to help you add some spark into your life?

Lack of romance in relationship is not uncommon

The first thing is to acknowledge that this problem is not exclusive to you and your relationship. There are many many marriages where a woman feels a lack of romance in her relationship or a lack of support. It’s a strange thing though, that there isn’t too much being expressed externally about it. Perhaps if more women spoke up, they would realise that the lack of romance in her relationship is not a problem in their marriage per se, but more of a social problem.

Most of the time, the women we speak to who are experiencing a lack of romance in her relationship are not speaking out because they are either afraid to face the ‘truth’ of their situation. Perhaps because they might feel that their worst fear is knocking on the door and that their relationship is on it’s way to being over. Other reasons are because they love their husbands and don’t want to complain about them, or they don’t want other people to think that their marriage is on the rocks.

It’s almost as though the very notion of expressing this issue of a lack of romance may be a deal breaker for the marriage, and that expressing it might bring about unwanted change. Meanwhile, this sensation of ‘lack’ and ‘unfulfillment’ continues to push the woman to resolve the issue (simply because our unconscious mind, and soul will push situations to the surface to force us to address them – so that you can maintain a holistic and balanced existence.

If something is not right, and your unconscious mind deems this to be the case, you can be sure that you are going to know about it).

Reasons why some marriages may need to be called into question

Of course, there will be some marital situations where a couple married for the wrong reasons, and these ‘wrong reasons ‘have now become unsustainable.

In this situation, the woman who is experiencing the lack of romance in her relationship may need to review her life and assess whether she ever did feel ‘romance’, what romance means to her, and the real reason why she married her partner in the first place.

In making a candid assessment, she will be able to start to unpack her thoughts, and feelings in relation to her decisions and start to take control of her life, in whatever way she deems necessary.

How social conditioning causes the problem of lack of romance

But for others, the only thing wrong is that our social conditioning causes us to be confused about our relationships – even if we don’t realise that this is what the problem is.

As women, we have complex emotional needs, and a capability for nurturing, organising and planning that by far exceeds a man’s ability (that’s not meant to disregard men, but just to say what needs to be said). We may not have the strength or courage of a man, but when it comes to tending to the little idiosyncrasies of daily life, emotion, and the families needs we’ve got it down.

The trouble is, that is no mean feat. It’s not something that we were supposed to do alone, (and it’s probably not something we are supposed to do with our husbands 100% either) and we often feel unsupported. We look to our partner to support in these situations but frankly, he’s not equipped to do so, and so unintentionally ‘lets us down’.

In today’s society where we don’t live in accordance to our natural needs and have been conditioned into multiple ideas on how to live and relate to each other that also doesn’t support our natural needs. We are naturally going to feel alone, unsupported by our partners and unfulfilled. Particularly because in a natural environment, we would probably live in larger family units, and have plenty of support from the other women, and elders around us.

We look to our partner to support in unpleasant situations but when they are not equipped to do so, we feel let down

A compounding problem

This problem starts to compound, our partner is ‘letting us down’ somehow (when the truth is, he doesn’t know what the problem is, or how to help. And it’s not because he doesn’t want to help, but because he’s not equipped to), and he may well feel like he can’t do anything right. This can lead to lack of communication, or miscommunication and a sense of distance between you, further compounding the problem. Let that last a few years and it’s hardly surprising that you’ll be feeling as though there is a lack of romance in your relationship.

Your marriage is not over

This problem now has many faces. There is a distance between you and your Husband (because of the compounding) and you still feel that your relationship lacks romantically.

The illusion of romance

When we unpack romance, we start to discover that it doesn’t really exist. It stems from fairytales and we all know fairy tales are not true.

What does exist though is that sense of unfulfillment that you are experiencing and have been seeking resolution for through your marriage and from your husband.

Aside from the lack of social support, and social conditioning that you are dealing with, you are also being prompted unconsciously to satisfy your souls’ needs and that comes from learning to have a relationship with yourself. In learning how to stop giving yourself 100% over to your Husband and family (whilst remaining committed to them) and in learning how to just be you independently, and being able to come back to the heart of your loving family.

The Bottom line

Experiencing a lack of romance in your relationship is more of a challenge than you first thought (it’s hard to develop a relationship with yourself), however, if you married for love in the first place, you can be certain that you can still enjoy a wonderful life together with your husband. Perhaps in a much more fulfilling way too – so in that sense, it’s much easier because your worst fears are not likely to be coming true anytime soon.

So if you take anything from this, go, find your sparkle, when you do, your Husband and family will probably be delighted and you’ll probably find that that lack that we were discussing has magically faded away.

Helpful?

Take Our Marriage Course

Continue exploring this topic

Hi, I'm your relationship guide. What's on your mind?

YOU COULD START WITH

Share this article on

Share this article on

Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less