How to Put Romance Back into a Marriage

Kelli H

Kelli H, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expertise: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Kelli Hastings is a writer, social worker, and proud advocate for women. She earned her B.A. degree from the University of Oregon in 2007, and worked as a behavior support... Read more

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, Licensed Clinical Social Worker , Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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Updated: 16 Sep, 2022

Table of Contents

Identify shared challenges by brainstorming root issues together and reframing them into positive, actionable steps that rebuild mutual understanding and closeness.
Recreate positive moments by revisiting times of connection and introducing small, meaningful routines that invite affection and trust into daily life.
Act with intentional care by turning insights into concrete actions - like regular touch, thoughtful gestures, and open dialogue - to deepen emotional intimacy and make love feel seen.

You must have heard of this phrase a zillion times in your life – “Mend it, don’t end it.”

People are afraid to confront the truth about their loveless marriage and try mending it, even if the relationship has reached the ‘point-of-no-return’ phase. They wonder how to bring back the lost romance in marriage and spend hours surfing the Internet to find a fitting solution to their loveless relationship.

You may be surprised to learn that in Google, searches for ‘sexless marriage’ is nearly three and a half times more than searches for ‘unhappy marriage’ and eight times more than ‘loveless marriage.’

You frequently hear married people all over the world may have asked the question, “How do I bring back the romance into my marriage?” So you see romance in marriage is that important to stay happy and hearty together.

In this article, we will aim to answer this question – but we also believe the answer is in you.

So first, let’s examine the issue at hand – how to bring romance back into marriage?

How to get the romance back in your marriage

Married people commonly feel that their marriage is lacking the romance that was once present in the relationship. So, why does the romance fizzle out of marriage? Why there is an absence of romance in marriage?

Despite the fact that 88% of Americans said that love is the main reason to get married, divorce rates have increased considerably.

The sources we consulted pointed to the following underlying conditions and contributing factors as reasons for the decreased spark.

Growing tired of one’s partner
Decreased interest in, or frequency of, sex
Loss of “love butterflies”, the nervous sensation produced by endorphins when in love
Lack of emotional intimacy
Lack of affection
Lack of surprise (dates, gifts, unplanned events, and kind gestures)
Taking one’s partner for granted
Differences, growing apart, or lack of common interests
Married for the wrong reasons, rushed marriage, or married too young
Partner has changed
Poor communication
Change in dynamics, or lack of time due to career and other obligations
Fatigue

There are many other obstacles couples face, but the above listed are the most commonly cited contributors to the state of decreased romance.

So the important question remains unanswered – how to put the spark back in marriage?

Can I get back the romance in marriage again?

The answer to this question varies per relationship.

It is understood that romance after marriage is placed on the backburner. But, there is no reason for the marriage romance to completely fizz out from your life.

Some of the underlying factors are more damaging than others.

In unfortunate cases, attempts to add romance to the marriage will ultimately fail, or will not yield the desired result. The answer to whether you can get the romance back in your marriage can be best answered by first determining the underlying issues or factors contributing to the problem.

Steps to bring back the romance in marriage

1. Brainstorm the issues

Brainstorm the issues you face, use the list above as a guide, and write down any 1-3 possible contributors as they come to mind.

Use the above list as a guide if you need help.

2. Look over other factors

Look over your factors. Now, flip them around from negative to positive statements.

For example –

Let’s say your note says “Lack of Intimacy”- Write in “Strong connection, emotional intelligence, affection.”

You’ve just described what you would want this to look like, or what it did look like when the circumstances were ideal.

To further develop your positive phrase, consider what it would take, or what looked like in the past when the positive conditions existed. If you’re still having trouble, reflect on times when there was lots of emotional intimacy(or whatever your notated condition is) and write down what was different about that time.

Use words, events, names of people, and any other descriptors you think of, that connect to the memory and that are meaningful to you.

3. Identify the elements

Now identify the elements that made it possible to feel the romance or the positive feelings, actions or activities you’ve cited in your step #2.

What were those times like? What made you feel mutually connected? Who were the people in your lives? What attitudes, activities, conditions, or circumstances existed that made you feel loving toward that person?

Record these answers quickly, without thinking too hard about the question. You are writing down events, people, conditions, attitudes, or any other things that connected you emotionally to the time you were happiest in love with your partner.

4. Find a solution

Congratulations! You have found a way to bring back the romance in marriage.

Step 3 answers are the key to your future. You now need to re-introduce whatever has changed. In step 3, you identified the conditions, and circumstances surrounding the positive feelings.

Now you will consider the ways in which you can bring those elements back into your relationship.

If it is not possible to do so, figure out what the connecting factors are again, branching out further with connecting words, people, or feelings you associate with your ideals. Or go back and add to your answers until you make some discoveries that lead to actionable strategies.

An actionable strategy is an activity.

For example –

Rekindling connections with old friends you and your spouse spent time with, resuming your old workout routines, always giving your partner a foot rub at bedtime.

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Kelli H Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Kelli Hastings is a writer, social worker, and proud advocate for women. She earned her B.A. degree from the University of Oregon in 2007, and worked as a behavior support specialist and program manager. She is inspired to support couples, teach them skills that lead to healthy, happy and romantic... Read more partnerships. Her interests include cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, visualization practice, and related therapies. Read less