Why Am I So Insecure? 20 Ways to Feel Secure From Within

Why am I so insecure? Many people ask themselves this question when self-doubt rears their head, as it often does. The victims can be anyone regardless of social status, education level, or experience in the work industry.

The feeling can strike when least expected and at the worst possible time. It generally makes you feel as though you’re the stand-in for your own life, but you’ve forgotten your lines, and someone will indeed find out, leading to your ultimate failure.

Insecurity seems to have a radar understanding when you need to have things all together and be your most confident. That’s when you generally become the most awkward with self-doubt being in charge. 

That’s whether you’re about to take an interview, go into a critical business meeting, or a most anticipated social situation. Negativity creeps in and helps talk you out of any self-esteem you might have started with. 

Why am I so extremely insecure about everything? Let’s see if there are answers.

Why am I so insecure?

It’s curious to learn what makes someone insecure or “What does it mean to be insecure?” Have studies been done on groups of people to give us some sort of benchmark to check our level to see if we’re close to normal?

Is there a medical provision for self-doubt that could be imposed if we’ve gotten somewhat out of control? We suppose it would be included in the mental health sciences along with low self-esteem. 

It’s unclear if overcoming insecurity is a universal issue. Still, it is known that it will strike anyone at any time for not one particular reason that these individuals are consciously aware of.

It could be past trauma, a particular rejection, a personal habit of setting oneself to a too-high standard that’s impossible to achieve and then letting oneself down, or any of many other possibilities.

5 most common causes of insecurity

Insecurity and self-doubt may occur due to something unpleasant taking place, something that may result in trauma. Insecurities in a relationship are usual to a degree.

Going beyond that can cause concern for the partnership. The person experiencing the emotion tends to reach a point of panic, need constant reassurance, and become too demanding of their mate. 

Let’s look at why feeling insecure can get to such an extreme level, where it’s a blend of insecurity and anxiety.

1. Low self-esteem / Poor self-confidence

There can be numerous causes of insecurity, but one of the primary reasons for battling insecurity is poor self-confidence or lack of self-esteem. Having a poor sense of self forces you to believe that others view you similarly.

That makes it difficult to understand that someone would genuinely find you a valuable mate to carry on a romantic partnership. You disbelieve them when they declare their love, waiting instead for their departure. Therefore, you are paranoid about any disagreement, believing it to be the “end.”

2. Trauma

When an individual has a past traumatic experience, it can lead them to believe that they are incapable of being loved. Emotional baggage is often projected onto innocent partners through insecure actions. 

For those involved with toxicity in a partnership where there could have been neglect, cheating, and criticisms, you can be left with feelings of uncertainty within.

The consistent wait for those things to occur triggers the emotion and, unfortunately, damages current relationships to their demise.

3. Failure fears

Insecure people’s habits include attempting to achieve at a level that can be impossible to reach, leading to ultimate letdown but being viewed as a failure. As a child, the kid in this family might always have been instructed to work harder and do better.

It isn’t acceptable to not accomplish goals. The fear of failure becomes detrimental to health and well-being because failure is human and will occur like relationships that simply don’t work due to anyone’s blame. 

The insecure one will take the loss personally and dwell over it for an extended period of time.

4. Comparison with others

The influence of social media and pervasive societal standards often lead individuals to compare their lives, appearances, and relationships with others. This comparison can erode self-esteem and amplify feelings of inadequacy. 

In a relationship, this might manifest as one partner feeling less or less competitive, worried that they do not measure up to their partner’s exes or the perceived happiness of other couples. 

The continuous comparison not only fuels insecurity but can strain the relationship as the individual struggles with acceptance and contentment.

5. Communication gaps and misunderstandings

Ineffective communication in a relationship can significantly contribute to feelings of insecurity. When partners do not clearly express their thoughts, feelings, or needs, it can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. 

For instance, if one partner is naturally less expressive or more reserved, the other might perceive this as disinterest or detachment. This lack of clarity can escalate insecurities, causing one to feel uncertain about their partner’s commitment, feelings, or intentions, ultimately impacting the health of the relationship.

13 reasons why you’re so insecure in your relationship

People with insecure thoughts believe that there is less value in themselves in some capacity than there actually is.

It’s a form of self-judgment. Being insecure to the point where you need continual reassurance from a mate leads to the partner beginning to have doubts about the relationship and ultimately calling it quits.

That was the primary factor for fighting insecurity, to begin with, a fear of losing the mate. It’s a vicious cycle. Let’s look at some of the reasons you indicate, “I am insecure.”

1. You compare

When you critique yourself based on other people’s (including exes) accomplishments, you might never succeed for your own unique qualities, especially in partnerships.

2. A current mate shouldn’t carry your baggage

The present partner has nothing to do with what you experienced in the past. While this mate can offer support, there’s only so much baggage a significant other is willing to be responsible for.

3. Pet peeves on overdrive

When a certain quirk is bothersome but has grown into a significant deal, that’s when you need to realize you’ve become overly sensitive and attempt to progress forward, not dwell in details that don’t warrant a place in the grand scheme.

4. Pleasing others precedes yourself

In life, you should chase dreams, grow and thrive as a person, and realize healthy partnerships that bring you joy. Trying to impress other people is out of place in that world. Friends would be happy for you to reach these goals instead of attempting to make an impression.

5. Materialism is your voice

Your personality is not enough to show the person you love how you feel. You need to have the latest and greatest in electronics and other objects to speak your affection.

6. Central character

In order to hide a lack of confidence, it’s easier to try to attract attention and show a mate that you’re the central character at every event. Instead, it proves a lack of self-esteem because it’s evident you’re trying so hard.

7. Inventing issues where there are non

There are no real problems in your life, but insecurity rules that you create to garner sympathy from a partner or so you can sulk. When it comes to how to be less insecure, it’s vital to be grateful in life since people can have issues, too.

8. Insecure begets insecurity

In your world, it’s better to surround yourself with other insecure people, except perhaps the person you have a partnership with. Unfortunately, these doubtful friends make your issues worse, disabling what could be a decent relationship.

9. Body image is skewed

The image you perceive as the ideal body is unrealistic and unreasonable from photos and images that are most likely photoshopped to create what managers want real people to believe is real and ideal. Sadly, the unattainable means you’ll never be satisfied and believe that your mate won’t be either.

10. Failure is a part of life

Whether it’s a relationship or other aspects of life, not everything will succeed. No one can hold themselves to unachievable standards. There will only be letdowns that most will view as failures, and insecure individuals can find failure unacceptable.

11. Fear of abandonment

Insecurity often stems from a deep-rooted fear of being left alone or abandoned. This fear can originate from previous experiences in relationships, either familial or romantic, where significant others were inconsistently present or departed unexpectedly. 

Such experiences can lead a person to expect similar patterns in current relationships, causing them to feel insecure about their partner’s commitment and fearful of a potential breakup, even in the absence of real threats.

12. Lack of self-identity

If you feel unsure about who you are or lose touch with your interests and passions, this can contribute to relationship insecurities.

When individuals lack a strong sense of self or rely excessively on their relationship for self-worth, they can become overly dependent on their partner’s approval and presence.

Such dependence can encourage insecurity as the person feels they cannot be complete or happy on their own, leading to clinginess or excessive neediness.

13. Perfectionism

Holding oneself or the relationship to unattainable standards of perfection can lead to significant insecurity. This mindset compels individuals to scrutinize every small fault in themselves or their relationship, fearing that any imperfection could lead to rejection or dissatisfaction.

Perfectionists often struggle with vulnerability, which is essential for building intimacy, because they equate it with weakness or potential for criticism, thus perpetuating their insecurities.

How can I overcome insecurity: 21 Tips

The notion of considering others in the various components of life can prove to be noble or even practical unless you’re experiencing insecurity. Insecurity then becomes something that drives every aspect of your life and is something you need to overcome. 

However, learning how to deal with insecurities, particularly how to stop being insecure in your relationship, can prove challenging. So, how do you overcome insecurity? Check out these 21 tips:

1. Try to provide for others what you’re looking for from them

In a relationship, you may want continuous reassurance that a partner will not leave to feel loved and approved of. Perhaps if you offer those things to a mate, you would find those things given freely without having to seek reassurances.

2. Express to yourself that you are insecure

So, how can I stop being so insecure? The first step is admission. Once you can acknowledge that you are, in fact, experiencing self-doubt, the next step is determining the method for managing the emotion.

3. Change your decision-making processes

Don’t make decisions based on what others would do or how they will react. Look at the issues at hand and contemplate your own thoughts and ideas. Perhaps then you can enjoy a friendly debate with your mate.

4. Begin with a gentle confidence

Take your confidence for a test drive by beginning with gentle examples with your partner since this is the person you can feel most safe with. 

Once comfortable, you can progress to close friends and ultimately reestablish it thoroughly, so you no longer need to discern, “Why am I so insecure?”

5. Self-reflection can be a guide

When contemplating why I am so insecure, self-reflection is an excellent way to try to understand where the self-doubt began and why it’s taking control. Making those determinations can lead to a conversation with a partner who can help develop a plan for managing the issues.

6. Learn optimism

Insecurity begets a pessimistic attitude. You feel down about yourself and as though you have no value or worth. 

The way to beat that is to develop optimism to battle those misconceptions so your mate does not continually need to reassure you. This will allow you to develop yourself and become self-assured.

7. Leave fear at the door

Insecurity consists primarily of fear. Most people avoid opportunities because they have an intense fear of failure. Their standards are overextended to the point that their goals are not achievable. 

Even relationships are scary because mates might leave. It’s vital to pursue the opportunities and not allow fear to motivate you.

8. Journal

Journaling is one of the most cathartic methods for overcoming many unhealthy emotions. If you’re not big on writing about your experiences with insecurity or how it might be affecting your partnership and life in general, record it. You can always tape over it each day.

9. Progress yourself as a comparison

Instead of comparing yourself to other people who are vastly different from you, choose to compare how you progress each day, your transformation in appearance, your transitions in who you are, and your reflections on your partnership. 

You can ask your mate to have this discussion so you can see yourself in their eyes, perhaps once a week or once a month. This will help you learn about yourself, your quirks, your uniqueness, and what makes you you, and avoid looking at everyone else as your competition.

10. Let go of personal offenses

There can be numerous reasons for insecurity, including rejection or past traumas. Because of these things, people tend to believe that everything is about them, but it’s not. 

When a mate says or does something innocent, and you take it personally as an offense, that’s usually an overreaction based on one of these experiences that can lead to an argument that is often avoidable if you look at it rationally.

11. Send baggage return to sender

In that same vein, a mate doesn’t want to be held responsible for past partners who might have walked away or the treatment they might have been guilty of.

Everyone has old baggage. Some of it can be tough to handle alone, with partners needing to be supportive and comforting in their roles. However, holding them accountable for others’ mistakes is going too far. 

That can ultimately result in the loss of the relationship. Instead, it’s wise to seek counseling to help you determine why you’re so insecure and the after-effects of whatever those reasons might be.

12. Trust can be earned

Again, an issue a mate needs to contend with is earning trust. An answer to the question “Why am I so insecure?” is someone breaking a trust, whether a parent or another family member, perhaps a close friend, but someone close. 

Instead of being open and vulnerable in communication, the insecure person is more closed and guarded. While a partner shows themselves as vulnerable, it will be a matter of time before the one with self-doubt finally reveals their insecurities. But with patience, it will happen.

13. Please yourself as a priority

When you have self-doubt, you beg the question, “Why am I so insecure?” especially when you have trouble saying no to everyone in your circle, especially your significant other. 

You feel a need to people-please, an exhaustive and frustrating effort, but all you need to do to resolve the problem is say “no.” 

14. Allow input for self-growth

Instead of getting feedback from a partner or anyone close, it’s better to cut them off before they can offer their opinions. It goes back to perhaps a fear of rejection or maybe possible criticism that was endured.

It’s better not to know than hear what you perceive will be bad news. It’s good to get input to grow as a person. No one would intentionally hurt your feelings. Presume the feedback will be constructive.

15. Start to believe in your purpose

Everyone has a purpose in the world and belongs in their space for a reason. It’s up to you to realize those reasons. 

A mate often motivates and encourages, but they’re not responsible for chasing your dreams for you. It would help if you recognized where you stood out and followed those qualities to your success.

16. Happy in your skin

Self-esteem begins with being happy in your skin. An essential part of learning why you’re so insecure is finding peace within your body, in who you are in your mind, as well as the spirit that you carry.

When you become familiar and comfortable with these elements, you can feel confident and establish your self-esteem.

17. Let someone else have the glory

The life of the party is generally natural. It isn’t forced, and everyone gathers around because they want to and not out of obligation.

When you crave the spotlight with forced eagerness, it’s apparent that those around you feel embarrassed yet required to support you in your effort. 

Stay in the background and let the people who are meant to play their part do so. You have your specialty, and that’s not it. It can only hurt self-esteem rather than help.

18. Overstating is lost on companions

Discerning why you’re insecure can be difficult. One reason may be that you were critiqued for performance from a young age. Now, as an adult, you need to overstate your abilities or position to get praise and validation. 

Remember that a companion and close friends love you for who you are, not what you can accomplish or how you perform. None of them need to validate you; only you can do that.

It’s okay to discuss what you do, but not necessarily to blow it up more than it is or glorify your talent. Your best friends and mates care about you.

19. Make a few confident friends

While you are asking yourself, “Why am I so insecure?” most of your friends are asking that as well. That doesn’t help you become confident and self-assured.

It’s wise to get to know one or two of your mate’s more confident friends. Maybe that will make you feel a bit more secure within yourself.

20. Reach out for assistance

There’s no harm in seeking individual counseling when you are uncertain how to answer “Why am I so insecure?” especially if it damages your partnership. 

Your mate may even want to attend couples’ therapy to help salvage the relationship. A professional will get to the root of the problem and help you work through the underlying issue. 

Until you do that, you can’t resolve the lack of confidence since the insecurity is merely the result of an actual problem. 

Watch this insightful video on “Learning To Love Your Insecurities” and who you are with Makayla Pearce:

21. Cultivate self-compassion

Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a good friend in distress. Insecurities often stem from a harsh internal critic that magnifies your flaws and shortcomings. 

By practicing self-compassion, you can learn to be more accepting of your imperfections and understand that everyone has their struggles. This approach encourages a healthier perspective on your self-worth and capabilities, helping to alleviate feelings of insecurity over time. 

Engage in practices such as mindfulness, which helps you become aware of the present moment without judgment, and positive self-talk that reinforces your intrinsic value and strengths.

FAQs

Insecurities can often feel overwhelming and impact various aspects of our lives, including personal well-being and relationships. Here are some insights into understanding and managing insecurities:

• How can you stop being so insecure?

Focus on self-awareness by identifying triggers of insecurity. Practice positive affirmations daily and seek supportive relationships that boost your confidence. Engaging in therapy can also offer personalized strategies to build self-esteem.

• How can insecurity affect a relationship?

Insecurity can strain relationships by promoting mistrust and dependency, leading to excessive reassurances and stifling freedom. It might trigger jealousy or overly critical behavior, causing partners to feel suffocated or undervalued, potentially weakening the bond between them.

• Is insecurity a mental health issue?

Insecurity itself is not classified as a mental health disorder but can be a symptom of underlying issues such as anxiety or depression. Persistent, intense feelings of insecurity should be addressed with a mental health professional to determine their origins and appropriate treatment options.

• How do insecure people behave?

Insecure individuals may exhibit neediness, seek constant validation, or express jealousy. They might also avoid taking risks due to fear of failure or rejection, leading to missed opportunities and personal growth. Such behaviors can be managed through therapy, improving communication skills, and boosting self-confidence.

Final thoughts

Insecurity is a feeling that one has less value and worth in oneself than one genuinely has. It leaks over into relationships to the point that partners need to reassure their mates that they are loved, accepted, and constantly appreciated until it reaches a degree that is too demanding.

That ultimately ends the relationship, bringing to fruition the initial fear of the individual with self-doubt.

In reality, counseling is a beneficial tool for identifying the root of insecurity and resolving that underlying issue so that the lack of confidence and self-esteem can be overcome. 

You can put a bandaid on insecurity, but until you correct the cause, the insecurity will continue to rear its head.