7 Telling Signs of Toxic Monogamy & How to Cope

In a relationship, imagine one partner dictating who the other can see, using jealousy as a barometer of affection, and demanding constant access to personal communications. These scenarios illustrate toxic monogamy, a distortion of what should be a supportive partnership. 

Toxic monogamy involves unhealthy behaviors and beliefs that prioritize the exclusivity of the relationship at the expense of individual well-being. It’s vital to recognize that while many relationships thrive on mutual exclusivity, some can foster dynamics that undermine trust and respect. 

This article delves into the realm of toxic monogamy, highlighting its signs, underlying causes, and strategies for addressing these harmful patterns.

What is toxic monogamy?

Toxic monogamy refers to a relationship where one or both partners are controlling, possessive, or emotionally abusive. It is characterized by behaviors such as jealousy, isolation, gaslighting, and threats.

In such relationships, one partner often feels trapped or suffocated, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. 

Toxic monogamy can have a significant negative impact on both individuals involved, as well as their relationships with others.

7 signs of toxic monogamy

Monogamous relationships are generally seen as the default relational norm in many cultures. However, certain patterns within these relationships can become unhealthy, leading to what is known as toxic monogamy. This term refers to dynamics that prioritize the relationship in harmful ways, adversely affecting personal growth and happiness. 

Here, we look at the signs of toxic monogamy in more detail.

1. Jealousy as a measure of love

Jealousy, often viewed romantically in the media, can be toxic when seen as an indispensable sign of affection. In toxic monogamy, extreme jealousy is misinterpreted as deep love or care, leading to controlling behaviors where one partner monitors or restricts the other’s interactions under the guise of concern.

• For example: 

Alex: “Why were you laughing so much with Sam at the party? You must find them attractive.”

Jordan: “Sam just told a funny joke. It’s normal to laugh with friends.”

Alex: “Well, I don’t like it. If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to laugh with anyone else that much.”

2. Isolation from others

This sign involves one partner limiting the other’s interactions with friends, family, or colleagues. It often starts subtly but can escalate to a point where the isolated partner loses their support network, increasing their dependence on the relationship and diminishing their personal freedom.

 

• For example: 

Taylor: “I was thinking of going to see my family this weekend.”

Casey: “Again? You just saw them last month. I thought we could spend some time alone. You don’t need to see your family so often.”

Taylor: “But they’re important to me, too.”

Casey: “Seems like they’re more important than us, then.”

3. Indispensability

When partners in a monogamous relationship feel that they cannot possibly enjoy life or face life’s challenges without each other, it can signal an unhealthy level of co-dependency. This belief that they are indispensable to each other often prevents personal growth and independence.

• For example: 

Morgan: “I’m going to take that job offer in the new city. It’s a great opportunity for me.”

Riley: “But what about me? You can’t just go off and leave. We’re supposed to be in this together, you can’t manage without me.”

4. Sacrifice as a norm

In toxic monogamy, excessive personal sacrifices are often expected and demanded, sometimes without appreciation or reciprocation. One partner may give up their dreams, careers, or hobbies, believing that such sacrifices are mandatory for proving their love and commitment.

 

• For example: 

Jamie: “I got accepted into my dream art program! It starts next fall.”

Drew: “You’re not seriously considering that, are you? What about our plans to start a family? You need to give up on these hobbies for our future.”

5. Unlimited forgiveness

This involves the expectation that any behavior should be forgiven if the partners are “truly” in love, including repeated breaches of trust or acts of disrespect. This can perpetuate a cycle of mistreatment, with the forgiving partner often feeling trapped under the weight of commitment.

• For example: 

Sam: “I know I messed up again, but we’re meant to be together, right? You have to forgive me.”

Alex: “It’s the third time this has happened. I don’t know if I can.”

Sam: “But love means never giving up on each other. You can’t hold this against me forever.”

6. Complete transparency

While honesty is crucial in relationships, demanding complete access to all personal communications, like texts, emails, or social media, crosses into toxic territory. This level of surveillance undermines trust and suggests a lack of privacy and autonomy.

• For example: 

Chris: “Why is your phone locked? You shouldn’t have secrets from me.”

Pat: “It’s just my phone, Chris. I’m allowed to have some privacy.”

Chris: “If we’re truly honest with each other, you wouldn’t need to hide anything. Show me your texts now.”

7. Criticizing different relationship models

Toxic monogamy often includes a disdain for other relationship configurations, such as polyamory or open relationships, viewing them as inferior or flawed. This not only stifles personal freedom but also promotes a narrow view of what love and commitment should look like, often ignoring the diverse nature of human relationships.

• For example: 

Dana: “My brother and his partner have decided to try an open relationship.”

Lee: “That’s just weird. Why can’t people be satisfied with one person? If you love someone, you shouldn’t need anyone else.”

Dana: “There are many ways to love, Lee. It’s not the same for everyone.”

Lee: “Well, I just think it’s wrong.” 

5 reasons that can make monogamy toxic

Monogamy is often idealized, but certain dynamics within it can become detrimental, leading to what is known as toxic monogamy. Here we look into the deeper reasons that can sour this relationship model.

1. Insecurity

Insecurities can lead to controlling behaviors as individuals attempt to manage their anxieties about the relationship’s stability and their own self-worth.

• For instance: 

Partner: “Why do you need to go out with your friends again? Don’t you spend enough time with them? I just need to know you prefer being with me.”

2. Cultural expectations

The societal pressures surrounding relationship monogamy often promote a possessive dynamic, discouraging independence and promoting a skewed view of commitment.

• For instance: 

Partner: “Everyone I know shares their phone passcodes with their partners. If you don’t share yours, it feels like you’re hiding something from me.”

3. Past experiences

Individuals’ past relational models can influence their current expectations and behaviors, perpetuating a cycle of toxic monogamy if those models were unhealthy.

• For instance: 

Partner: “My ex cheated on me because I wasn’t paying enough attention. I can’t go through that again, so I’d rather we check in with each other more often.”

4. Lack of boundaries

Without clear personal boundaries, partners may feel obligated to merge their identities and responsibilities, which can suppress individual growth and lead to resentment.

• For instance: 

Partner: “Since we’re together, it’s normal that we should have no secrets or personal space. You shouldn’t mind me reading your emails.”

5. Fear of abandonment

This deep-seated fear can compel individuals to adopt manipulative behaviors to secure their partner’s fidelity and presence, undermining trust and autonomy in the relationship.

• For instance: 

Partner: “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t keep making plans that don’t include me. I need to feel like I’m your top priority.” 

7 ways to deal with toxic monogamous behaviors

Recognizing toxic monogamy within a relationship is the first step toward healing and improvement. This guide explores practical strategies to dismantle unhealthy patterns and foster a supportive, loving partnership.

1. Open communication

To effectively get rid of toxic monogamy, establishing open communication is essential. This involves honest discussions about each partner’s feelings and experiences, ensuring both feel heard and valued.

• Start with this: Schedule regular check-ins with your partner where both of you can talk about your feelings and relationship dynamics without distractions. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming, which encourages openness and understanding.

2. Personal therapy

Addressing personal contributors to toxic behaviors through therapy can significantly impact the health of the relationship. It aids in resolving personal issues that feed into toxic dynamics, promoting better interactions and emotional health.

• Start with this: Identify a therapist who specializes in relationship issues and commit to regular sessions. It’s beneficial to journal your thoughts and feelings to discuss them during therapy, helping you to uncover and address deep-seated issues more effectively.

3. Couples counseling

Couples counseling can be a transformative tool in dealing with toxic monogamy. A counselor helps both partners understand the toxic elements of their relationship and develop strategies to overcome them together.

• Start with this: Together, choose a counselor who has experience with addressing dynamics similar to yours. Prepare for each session with specific issues or incidents you want to discuss, making the most of the time you have with your counselor.

4. Educate yourself

Educating yourself about healthy relationships can shift perspectives and inspire change. Learning about different relationship dynamics can be incredibly eye-opening, helping both partners to see beyond the confines of toxic monogamy.

• Start with this: Pick a book or an online course about healthy relationship practices and commit to reading or participating in it together. Discuss what you learn with each other, and identify one key takeaway to implement in your relationship each week.

5. Set boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is crucial in any relationship but is particularly important in addressing toxic behaviors. Boundaries help define safe and respectful ways to interact, protecting the emotional well-being of both partners.

• Start with this: Write down your personal limits and share these with your partner. Discuss why these boundaries are important to you and how they contribute to your well-being. Be clear about the consequences of not respecting these boundaries to ensure they are taken seriously.

6. Support systems

A robust support system can play a pivotal role in overcoming the challenges of toxic monogamy. Friends and family provide emotional support and can offer a fresh perspective, helping partners maintain a healthy balance between their personal and shared lives.

• Start with this: Make a conscious effort to reconnect with friends and family by scheduling regular outings or calls. Encourage your partner to do the same and discuss the positive impacts these interactions have on your emotional health.

7. Time apart

Taking time apart to pursue individual interests allows for personal growth, which is essential in combating the dependencies that arise in toxic monogamous relationships. This supports a healthier, more independent, and ultimately more respectful relationship dynamic.

• Start with this: Start a new hobby or revisit an old one that you can do independently. Allocate specific times during the week for this activity. Share your experiences with your partner afterwards, which can help foster a sense of individuality and personal growth within the relationship. 

Watch this video to learn more about why do we go cold on our partners:

Final thoughts

Recognize the signs of toxic monogamy in your relationship and take action today. Embrace open communication and professional guidance to transform your partnership into a nurturing and respectful union. 

Understanding and addressing the patterns of toxic monogamy is essential for fostering a healthy relationship where both partners feel valued and supported. By acknowledging these behaviors, you can proactively work toward eliminating them and redefining what commitment means in your life.

Remember, a truly loving relationship promotes independence, respect, and growth within the safety of commitment. Let’s choose to cultivate relationships that lift us up and allow us to thrive as individuals.