How to Stop Being Selfish in a Relationship: 27 Tips

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Starting a relationship is like planting a garden. It requires constant nurturing, attention, and the occasional pruning to bloom beautifully. However, when one partner acts selfishly, it’s akin to a gardener only watering their favorite flowers, neglecting the rest. 

Such behavior can stifle the growth of a relationship, leading to discontent and disconnection. This brings us to the crucial question of how to stop being selfish in a relationship. 

In the following article, we will explore some actionable tips designed to help individuals cultivate self-awareness, foster mutual respect, and encourage a balanced and healthy partnership. 

By implementing these tips, partners can ensure that their relationship garden flourishes with equality and shared happiness.

What does being selfish mean in a relationship?

If you’re given a chance between choosing what makes only you happy and what makes you and others happy, which would you pick? If you said you’re picking the one that makes only you happy (who cares about other people?), you’re being selfish.

While it can be a simplistic hypothetical, relationships can get quite messy. Would you willingly spend a weekend with your in-laws just for your partner’s happiness? 

Selfish partners tend to see their relationships only through their perspective. If this sounds like you, it might be time to learn how not to be self-centered.

How to stop being selfish in a relationship: 27 ways

Overcoming selfishness in a relationship is a positive step towards building a healthier and more fulfilling connection with your partner. Here are some suggestions to help you become less self-centered and learn how to be less self-centered:

1. Learn to empathize

If you’re not someone who is good at understanding other people, this can be a little difficult in the beginning. But learning how to empathize with someone is very important if you’re trying to stop being self-centered.

Thinking about what you would do and feel if you were in the shoes of others is a great way to develop this.

According to Licensed clinical social worker Maggie Martinez:

Practice reflective listening to ensure you are understanding how that person feels.

Think about what you would want your partner to do for you — and do the same for them. 

• Pro tip: Practice empathy by setting aside specific times to discuss feelings with your partner. Use exercises like role reversal where you express each other’s views to deepen understanding.

2. Ask your partner questions and listen

A common characteristic of a self-centered person is that they tend to live in their own heads. Learning to care and think about others can be challenging. You can develop this skill slowly, which can significantly impact the happiness of your relationship.

Giving your partner an opportunity to talk while you’re actively listening to them can make your partner feel cared for and help you learn how to become less self-centered. Furthermore, your partner may also try to learn how to deal with a self-centered person. 

• Pro tip: Make it a habit to ask your partner at least one thoughtful question each day and listen actively to their response, showing engagement through nodding and verbal affirmations.

3. Learn to make your partner a priority

If you’re a self-centered person, you might realize that you hardly ever choose your partner over your work. 

It can be very upsetting for your partner and disastrously affects your relationship. When you’re forced to make an effort to choose something that will make your partner happy, so they feel like they are a priority in your life.

• Pro tip: Schedule regular date nights or moments where your partner’s preferences lead the activities, ensuring they feel valued and prioritized.

4. Do nice things for your partner

Being a nice person is high on the list of things to do to stop being self-centered. It can be small acts of kindness like making your partner a cup of coffee or helping them reorganize their office. Doing nice things for your partner can help you grow out of being selfish.

• Pro tip: Create a weekly plan to perform small acts of kindness for your partner, like preparing their favorite meal or leaving a loving note, to gradually decrease self-centered behaviors.

5. Engage in your partner’s interests

Learning to engage in and appreciate your partner’s interests is essential if you’re trying to change your self-centered behavior. Doing the things your partner likes can make them feel important and bring the two of you together. It can also help you come out of your comfort zone and help you grow.

• Pro tip: Commit to participating in an activity your partner enjoys at least once a week, even if it’s outside your comfort zone, to show investment in their happiness.

6. Acknowledge your partner’s life beyond just you

Self-centered men in relationships tend to think that the world revolves around them. You can’t expect your partner to do things for you constantly. Acknowledging your partner has a life outside of caring for you is crucial. This can prevent lots of conflicts and make it easy on your partner. 

• Pro tip: Encourage your partner to spend time on their hobbies or with friends without you, and show interest in their experiences afterward to acknowledge their life beyond the relationship.

7. Stop demanding favors

You might be wondering if being self-centered is a bad thing. While it might not seem a big deal to you, the people around you tend to suffer. Demanding big, unreasonable favors from your partner can put a lot of strain on your relationship.

Demanding favors is also a way to exploit your partner’s love for you. So, you can try to minimize this if you are trying to learn how to not be self-centered in a relationship. 

• Pro tip: Instead of asking for favors, focus on what you can give. Reflect on the balance of give and take in your relationship and adjust your behavior to be more giving.

8. Make compromises

Do you expect everything in your life to go the way you want? 

If you find yourself blaming your partner when things don’t go your way or when they want to do something you want, stop and recognize that this is a selfish response. Relationships are a give and take. So, learning how to compromise is essential if you want to have a healthy relationship.

• Pro tip: Implement a “give and take” jar where both partners can drop notes of their needs and wants, then regularly discuss how to meet these in a balanced way.

9. Pay attention to your partner

Many times, relationships fall apart because partners don’t pay attention to each other. Self-centered relationships like this block communication since both partners are expecting the other to pay attention to them, while they don’t make an effort to do the same.

• Pro tip: Dedicate technology-free time each day to fully engage with your partner, showing them your full attention and presence.

10. Stop treating your partner like your property

One common self-centered trait in a person is that they treat their partner like they belong to them. 

Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you can lord over them; to change your self-centered behavior, be conscious of how you treat your partner, and ensure you don’t make their decisions for them.

• Pro tip: Regularly check in with your partner to ensure they feel free to make their own choices, and consciously step back in decisions to give them space.

11. Do something thoughtful

You might be wondering why I am so selfish and self-centered. This could be because you tend to focus only on yourself. To stop feeling this way, try to do something thoughtful for your partner, like getting them the dress they’ve wanted for a long time or taking them on a surprise date.

• Pro tip: Keep a list of things your partner mentions wanting or enjoying, and surprise them with something from this list once a month to show thoughtfulness.

12. Ask and value your partner’s opinions

Typical self-centered behavior is to speak for your partner. By diminishing your partner’s voice, you’re controlling them. To change this behavior, stop yourself when you’re talking too much and give that space to your partner. 

Encourage them to share their thoughts by asking questions and showing them you listen. This can answer your question, “How can I stop being selfish?”

• Pro tip: During discussions, practice saying, “What do you think?” and genuinely consider your partner’s opinions, showing respect for their thoughts.

13. Be aware of your selfish actions

A key part of stopping being self-centered is recognizing when you’re being selfish. Be aware of when this behavior comes out, and make a conscious effort to hold yourself back. Being conscious of your actions can help you change them. 

• Pro tip: Keep a journal of instances when you catch yourself being selfish, and review this weekly to identify patterns and set goals for improvement.

14. Be generous in your relationship

Selfish and self-centered behavior comes out when you’re stingy- with money, time, and effort. Take a moment to think about whether you’re treating your partner right. 

Do you provide them with the things that they need? Do you spend quality time with them? Do you put in effort to make your partner happy? If you’re not doing any of these things, it’s time to start.

• Pro tip: Plan weekly activities where you can show generosity, like sharing your time or resources with your partner without expecting anything in return.

15. Cater to your partner’s needs

A good way to stop being self-centered is to care for other people. When caring for people, you need to think about what they want or might need or what makes them happy. This can help you make connections with another person on an intimate level.

• Pro tip: Create a “needs and wants” board at home where each person can post their needs, and make an effort to fulfill at least one of your partner’s needs weekly.

16. Stop displacing your anger

When things don’t go your way, you get angry. And when you get angry, you might’ve noticed that you get into more fights with your partner or that your relationship worsens. This is probably because you’re displacing your frustrations on your partner.

Licensed clinical social worker Maggie Martinez explains that:

Displacement is the choice to become angry with the people closest to you because you are angry with someone or something else.

Displacement is a very selfish  thing to do because you’re ruining your partner’s mood and making them feel bad for something they didn’t do.

• Pro tip: Practice calming techniques such as deep breathing or taking a walk when upset, and discuss your feelings with your partner once you’re calm.

17. Take on additional responsibilities

The best tip on how to stop being selfish in your relationship is to take on some of your partner’s responsibilities to ease their burden. This can involve doing some chores around the house, picking up the kids, or fixing broken household equipment. 

Taking on responsibilities can also make you more aware of what your partner goes through and can help you empathize.

• Pro tip: Volunteer to take over certain chores or tasks that your partner typically handles and make it a regular part of your routine.

18. Celebrate your partner’s special days

If you’re a self-centered person, it’s probably characteristic of you to forget important dates like birthdays or anniversaries. Trying to keep track of these days and celebrating them with your partner can help you be more involved in your relationship.

• Pro tip: Set reminders for important dates like birthdays or anniversaries, and plan special celebrations that show your partner they are a priority.

19. Compliment your partner everyday

You might think this is unnecessary because your partner already knows how you feel about them, but if you’re trying to stop being self-centered, complimenting them can make them more special and help you think about other people, not just yourself.

• Pro tip: Set a daily alarm as a reminder to give your partner a sincere compliment, focusing on different aspects of their personality or actions.

20. Don’t use your partner

If you’re looking for ways to change your personality and how to stop being selfish, it’s time to assess your relationship. Are you in a relationship with your partner because you like them, or can you use them for your benefit?

Maybe you’re using your partner for their money or their connections. This is a typical self-centered personality. And if you think you are simply using them, it’s best to cut things off before you hurt your partner.

• Pro tip: Reflect on your motivations in the relationship, and if you find any element of using your partner, seek to rectify it by focusing on mutual support and respect.

21. Leave your ego at the door

A common self-centered trait is self-indulgent behavior. You might be very egoistic in your social circles, or your job role might demand a certain level of confidence. But when you’re with your partner, it’s time to put that aside. 

Be intimate and vulnerable with your partner- it might also be a great relief for your emotional health.

• Pro tip: Before interacting with your partner, remind yourself to set aside pride and engage with openness and vulnerability.

22. Don’t be selfish in bed

Self-centered people tend to only care about themselves, including their personality in bed. Remember that engaging in sex is something that both you and your partner should enjoy. 

So try to be less demanding and look towards pleasuring your partner more than being focused on yourself.

• Pro tip: Initiate conversations about sexual preferences and desires, ensuring both you and your partner feel satisfied and valued.

23. Listen to non-verbal cues

When people feel their partners don’t care about them, they tend to close up and not express themselves openly. So, if you want to help them open up, reading their non-verbal cues is essential. 

• Pro tip: Educate yourself about non-verbal communication and spend time observing your partner’s body language to better understand their unspoken feelings.

24. Don’t keep talking about yourself

One of the characteristics of a self-centered person is that they constantly talk about themselves. If you’re trying to be a better person, free up space for your partner to talk. 

Catch yourself when you’re ranting about something that happened to you, and change the topic to your partner instead.

• Pro tip: Monitor your conversations to ensure a balance between talking about yourself and focusing on your partner, redirecting the conversation towards them when necessary.

Watch the TED Talk featuring Billy Ward, a licensed professional counselor, as he emphasizes the significance of both giving and receiving love. He illustrates this point through the story of one of his students:

25. Show affection

Showing affection and being intimate with your partner is a perfect way to overcome your selfish personality. Showing affection means that you’re actively caring about someone. 

It can not only increase your and your partner’s happiness but can also help you develop characteristics of kindness, vulnerability, and empathy.

• Pro tip: Make a daily habit of showing physical affection, whether it’s through a hug, kiss, or simply holding hands, to strengthen your emotional connection.

26. Practice gratitude

A self-centered mindset often overlooks the positive aspects of a relationship. Take time to reflect on and appreciate your partner’s qualities, efforts, and positive contributions to the relationship. 

Expressing gratitude can shift your focus from self-centered tendencies to a more appreciative and positive outlook on your partner and the relationship.

• Pro tip: Keep a gratitude journal focused on your relationship and share entries with your partner to highlight and appreciate their positive impacts on your life.

27. Seek feedback and be open to change

Self-awareness is crucial in overcoming self-centeredness. Actively seek feedback from your partner about your behavior and be open to constructive criticism. 

Use this feedback as an opportunity for personal growth and make a genuine effort to implement positive changes in your actions and mindset.

• Pro tip: Regularly ask your partner for feedback on your behaviors and show openness to making adjustments based on their suggestions.

What does being selfish mean in a relationship?

In a relationship, selfishness is like focusing only on your own needs and wants, forgetting about your partner’s. It’s basically neglecting to nurture that garden of love you both planted together! Here are some signs of selfishness:

• Always putting yourself first: Decisions are constantly made without considering your partner’s feelings or desires. Date nights always revolve around your interests, conversations focus on you, and compromises are hard to come by.
• Stonewalling and blame games: When conflicts arise, you shut down communication or refuse to take responsibility for your actions. It’s always your partner’s fault!
• Taking your partner for granted: You don’t appreciate the things your partner does or show them affection. You might even expect them to cater to your every whim.
• Keeping secrets or being dishonest: Honesty and trust are crucial in relationships. If you’re hiding things or being deceitful, that’s a red flag.

5 possible causes of selfish behavior in a relationship

Self-centeredness can hinder healthy relationships, lead to conflicts, and limit personal growth. Understanding what causes self-centeredness can shed light on its origins and potentially help individuals develop self-awareness and promote more empathetic and considerate behaviors. 

So, what makes people selfish? Here are five common causes of selfishness in relationships:

1. Insecurity

Individuals lacking self-confidence or deep-seated insecurities may resort to self-centered behaviors as a defense mechanism. They attempt to shield themselves from rejection or criticism by placing their needs at the forefront.

2. Upbringing

Parenting styles that overly prioritize a child’s needs and desires can contribute to the development of self-centeredness. When children grow up accustomed to having their every whim catered to without learning about empathy and consideration for others, they may continue this pattern into adulthood.

3. Cultural influences

Certain cultures or societal norms emphasize individualism, competition, and personal achievements. In such contexts, individuals may be encouraged to prioritize their own interests above all else, cultivating a self-centered mindset.

4. Lack of perspective-taking skills

Some individuals struggle to understand or empathize with the experiences and emotions of others. This can be due to limited social exposure, emotional intelligence, or underdeveloped perspective-taking skills, leading to self-centeredness.

5. Emotional immaturity

Emotional immaturity, such as an inability to regulate emotions or respond appropriately to others, can contribute to self-centered behavior. Individuals with emotional immaturity may struggle with controlling impulses and lack the emotional capacity to consider the needs of others.

It is important to note that self-centeredness exists on a continuum, and most individuals may sometimes exhibit self-centered behaviors. However, cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and understanding the causes behind self-centeredness can guide individuals toward developing healthier and more balanced interpersonal relationships.

To sum up

Reducing selfishness in your relationship is essential for creating a thriving, mutually supportive partnership. The tips provided offer practical avenues for self-improvement and better relational dynamics. 

Now is the time to act—evaluate your behaviors, apply these strategies, and commit to making the necessary changes. 

Embrace this opportunity to learn how to be less selfish in a relationship, strengthen your bond, and enhance your connection. 

Start today, and take proactive steps towards building a more loving, equitable, and fulfilling relationship. Your efforts will not only benefit your partnership but also enrich your personal growth and happiness.

Let’s make every moment count for both of you!