Should You Be Sexually Intimate With Your Ex Wife?

You and your ex-wife are divorced.  It could be fairly recent. It could have been ages ago. Both of you are going through a streak of singlehood.  You are still attracted to her. And you wonder…would she be open to a friends with benefits type relationship?

You start reflecting on why this might work.  You both know each other intimately. You know what turns her on.  You were always good together on a sexual level. So, sex with your ex.  Why not?

Why have sex with your ex-wife?  

There is not a lot of research out there that addresses sex with an ex.  This is probably because most people indulging in this carry a sense of shame.  It’s a dirty little secret they aren’t willing to boast about in public. After all, if you are still having sex with your ex, why are you divorced?  

But the reason that drives most people to have sex with an ex is pretty simple.  You know each other. Since you are now divorced, there is no longer a climate of tension and fighting.  All that is behind you now. And she is so familiar to you.

Actually, since the divorce she’s been taking better care of herself.  Dresses a bit more sexily. Got a new haircut. What’s that nice perfume she’s wearing now?  

And you fear you might never have sex again

It’s a common fear for newly-divorced people that they will never have sex again. The divorce has taken a toll on their self-esteem and they cannot imagine someone being attracted to them, at least not enough to sleep with them.  

So sex with your ex sounds like a good way to still be sexually active, and with someone who is no-risk.  No risk of unknown diseases, no risk of them falling in love too fast or making you commit to a relationship when you aren’t ready.  

Sex with your ex-wife is easy.  It’s predictable. There’s no anxiety about getting naked with a new partner and worrying about what they might think about that old beer belly.   And at least it’s sex!

If you are in favor of sex with your ex-wife

There is a bit of research that shows that sex with your ex may not have a negative impact on one’s psychological state.  “Those pining after their ex were more likely to seek out sexual activity with them, and those folks didn’t report feeling more upset after the fact; actually, hooking up with their ex left them feeling more positive in the day-to-day”, states one of the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Stephanie Spielmann.

That doesn’t mean sex with your ex-wife a good idea

While some people may think that there is nothing wrong with  having sex with your ex-wife , this is not a universal feeling.  The majority of people who have sex with an ex, whether it is a one-time thing or a repetitive situation, have mixed feelings about it.  It can stop you from moving forward and finding a new, better-suited partner.  

It can stir up any feelings that are not resolved about the divorce and what lead to it.  Your ex-wife may not be on the same page as you as to what you want out of the situation. Is she having sex with you because she thinks you might get back together?

Ask yourself why you are interested in continuing a relationship?

Ask yourself why you are interested in continuing a relationship, even just a sexual one, with your ex-wife.  And ask her the same question. You both need to be brutally honest about what you want out of this sexual relationship.  Is it just for physical release?

Is either of you hoping that this will spark an old feeling, perhaps bringing you back together?  

If either of you still has romantic feelings, having sex will deepen those, and perhaps give false hopes to the partner who is having trouble letting go of the marriage.

Make sure both of you have a clear understanding of what you are each looking for from this arrangement.

Licensed Mental Health Counselor Grady Shumway points out,

Proceed with caution when considering maintaining an intimate relationship with an ex, as it can complicate emotional boundaries and potentially hinder the ability to move on. Have clear communication, boundaries, and self-reflection to ensure both individuals prioritize their emotional well-being and respect each other’s boundaries.

Why sex with your ex-wife can be so hot

Men who admit to having sex with their ex-wives say that the sex is super hot.  First, there is the element of the forbidden. Society says you aren’t supposed to have sex with your ex-wife, so the fact that there you are between the sheets with her makes things ultra-exciting.  

Secondly, your divorce has freed you of all the baggage the bad marriage was weighing you down with.  Because no one is harboring any resentment any longer, you can both be wild and crazy, just like in the old days.  

Want to try some new kink?  With an ex, you can go there…you know each other so well.  So for many men, sex with the ex-wife is amazingly spicy. No wonder a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that of the 137 previously married adult participants, one-fifth still had sex with their ex after their divorce.

Most experts will dissuade you

Licensed clinical social worker, Sherry Amatenstein, warns against any type of sexual encounter with an ex. She believes that it just leads to a long and drawn-out pain over the breakup or divorce.  

So think about that the next time you see your ex-wife looking so very hot and seductive.  While having sex with her may seem like a good idea, ultimately you’d be better off moving on and finding a new partner.  Sure, it may sound like more work, but it is better for your mental health.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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