15 Dangers of Excessive Self-Preservation in a Relationship

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Have you ever felt the urge to protect your heart so fiercely that it becomes second nature?

Self-preservation in a relationship might seem like a shield against pain, but what happens when that shield turns into a wall?

It is natural to guard yourself when emotions run deep, but too much of it can leave love gasping for air.

Small hesitations to share feelings, pulling away when things feel uncertain… they all add up, don’t they?

Imagine two people standing close but never quite touching, each holding back for fear of being hurt. Over time, this can create a distance that feels impossible to bridge.

The irony is that while self-preservation seeks safety, it can lead to the very loneliness it tries to prevent. Love thrives on trust and connection; without it, even the strongest bonds can start to fray.

What is self-preservation in a relationship?

The “self-preservation meaning” in relationship dynamics often revolves around protecting oneself emotionally, mentally, or even physically. It is that instinct to shield your heart from potential hurt, to hold back when things feel too vulnerable or risky.

Maybe it is avoiding difficult conversations, withdrawing affection during conflict, or hesitating to express true feelings… all in the name of staying safe.

One of the self-preservation examples is choosing to stay silent rather than risk an argument, even when something is bothering you deeply. While it comes from a place of caution, it can unintentionally create emotional barriers, leaving both people feeling unseen or misunderstood.

15 risks of too much self-preservation in a relationship

When you are wondering whether being guarded in a relationship is okay, the answer is that it depends on the situation. Protecting your emotions is sometimes necessary, especially when boundaries are crossed, or trust is repeatedly broken.

However, when self-preservation becomes the default response to every challenge, it can slowly chip away at intimacy, trust, and connection.

Here’s a look at 15 ways self-preservation in a relationship can be a bad idea.

1. You may hurt others

Anytime you try to self-preserve too much, you could hurt others. You may not allow someone to get close to you because you are trying to be too independent.

Think of how you would feel if you were interested in someone and thought they were also interested in you, but when you went out with them, they acted like they couldn’t care less. This may be how your partner is viewing your behavior.

2. You may be too independent

Another reason self-preservation in a relationship may be too much is that you may act too independently. In other words, your partner may feel like there isn’t a place for them in your life.

If you care about someone, do what you can to incorporate them into your life in any way you can. You can do things together, try new things, and share some of your favorite things with them.

Dionne Eleanor, Relationship and Empowerment Mentor, states,

Independence in a relationship should be a dance, not a solo performance.

3. You may be afraid for nothing

If you define self-preservation psychology, you are trying to save your own life. While you may have a good reason for doing this in your day-to-day life, it may be for no reason in a relationship.

Again, if a person has shown that they want to have a relationship with you and has given you no reason to doubt this, you may be afraid to put yourself out there for no reason.

You owe it to yourself to start to open up more with another person when you care about them.

4. You aren’t allowing yourself to be vulnerable

It can be scary to be vulnerable, especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but the act of falling in love causes you to be vulnerable. When another person accepts you for who you are, you will know that you are in a healthy relationship.

However, as Dionne Eleanor, Relationship and Empowerment Mentor, states, 

Vulnerability is the gateway to intimacy; it’s the courage to be seen in our truest form.

If you care about someone, try to be a little vulnerable when this is possible. When you don’t see yourself being able to, you may want to stop and think about why this is the case.

Is there something wrong you are ignoring, or is it just difficult for you to relax in a relationship?

5. You might become resentful

When you try to be too independent in your relationship, you could become resentful of your partner. They may not have given you a reason to feel this way, but since you have walls between you and them, you may think they are acting coldly toward you and upset with you.

Consider whether your partner is trying to meet you halfway when spending time with each other and bonding. This can tell you whether you have a legitimate reason to feel resentful.

6. You could be doing things just for you

You may need to consider the other person when trying to self-preserve too much. Perhaps you are only buying things to please yourself rather than taking your partner into account.

When you buy your favorite dinner and never eat your mate’s favorite, they may be hurt and think that things aren’t fair.

Take the other person into account when you are in a relationship. It would help if you allowed them to be who they say they are.

7. You may be putting up walls

Dionne Eleanor, Relationship and Empowerment Mentor, highlights, 

Walls can protect us, but they can also imprison us.

Anytime you have been hurt repeatedly, it may be hard to let anyone get to know you better.

However, if someone is willing to and you think they may be someone you could have a meaningful relationship with, you should consider trying to take down some of the walls you have up.

You can begin trusting your mate, and when they continue to prove themselves as trustworthy, you may feel it is okay to tell them personal things you might not have shared with many people in the past.

8. You may be looking for signs that aren’t there

Are you waiting for your partner to mess up, even if they haven’t in the past?

It would help if you gave someone a chance to be who they are without worrying that you will leave the first time they make a mistake.

It is okay to make mistakes or have disagreements now and then. If you like someone, it is worth it to take the time to work these issues out so you can grow together.

9. You might act unfairly

If you have ever noticed that you hold your partner to a higher standard than others, you should try to change this. You cannot expect anyone to be perfect, and perfection is essentially an unattainable goal.

Instead, you should give them a clean slate and allow them to show their true character. If you like what you see, treat them like you would want to be treated.

10. You may not be acting like yourself

Besides just putting up walls, you may only be doing some of the things you normally do when you are with your partner.

For instance, if you like to drink a lot of coffee when you are alone, but when you are with them and claim you don’t like it, this can be a lie that causes problems later in the relationship.

It is okay to act like your authentic self at all times. This is the only way another person can tell if they like the real you.

11. You might not be fully committed

Do you have one foot out of the relationship?

This could make your mate feel like they will never be good enough for you. If you are in a relationship with someone, you owe it to both of you to be fully committed to them.

Stop looking for your way out unless there is a reason why you may need one. You may be closing the door on a relationship that makes you happy.

12. You could be doing what you want

Yet another self preservation definition is that you are trying to ensure you survive. This means you may go through your entire relationship doing only what you want.

Dionne Eleanor points out, 

Some people behave like they would prefer a Pet rather than a partner. Even then, a pet animal would still require sharing in the relationship to a degree. A relationship flourishes when both partners contribute to the shared experience, not just their individual desires.

However, when you are with someone, you need to do things that they want to do as well. Think how you would feel if you were your partner. Try to incorporate things you both like into your quality time together.

13. You may be distrustful of your partner

There may have been events that happened in the past that have caused you to be distrustful of others. However, it would help to consider whether your partner has given you a reason to distrust them. 

If they have been upfront with you about things, you need to try to change your behavior.

When someone shows you they are trustworthy, it is a good idea to trust them. This can help you relax more around them and know that you can lean on them if you need to. It is also an important aspect of a healthy relationship.

Watch this video to learn more about the role of trust in a relationship:

14. You might not be spending time together

Yet another of the self-preservation examples you may be exhibiting is that you are not spending enough time together. You may not allow your relationship to grow when you aren’t spending quality time with each other.

It is necessary to give your partner adequate time so you can get to know one another and increase your bond. Plan a date or spend a night in and do something fun together.

15. You may be ready to leave

If you are trying to define self-preservation in your life, you may be thinking that it allows you to be ready to leave if you have to.

However, what if you don’t need to leave a relationship?

When you are enjoying a relationship with your partner, you may not need to keep yourself prepared if you break up. While you can have a plan in place if this happens, it may be more beneficial to see how the relationship plays out.

How to deal with self-preservation in a relationship: 7 tips

Self-preservation in a relationship can feel like a safe harbor during storms, but staying anchored there for too long can create distance and misunderstanding.

Letting go of constant defense takes courage and effort, but it paves the way for deeper trust and connection. Here are 7 thoughtful tips to help manage this journey:

1. Reflect on your fears

Take a moment to explore what drives your self-protective instincts.

Are you afraid of rejection, judgment, or vulnerability?

Understanding these fears can help you identify the root of your behavior. It is not about blaming yourself; it is about gaining clarity so you can approach the relationship with more openness.

2. Communicate your feelings

Expressing why you feel guarded can be a game-changer. Let your partner know what makes you pull back and what you need to feel safe.

Honest conversations create understanding and show that you care enough to work on strengthening the bond between you both.

3. Practice small acts of vulnerability

You do not need to open the floodgates all at once! Start with small steps, like sharing a personal thought or admitting when you feel uncertain.

These moments build trust and remind you that letting someone in does not have to be overwhelming or risky.

4. Focus on building trust

Trust takes time, but it grows with consistent effort. Show your partner that you value their honesty by matching it with your own.

When trust feels solid, the need for constant self-preservation naturally lessens, and it becomes easier to let your guard down.

5. Reevaluate your boundaries

Boundaries are important, but are yours too rigid?

Ask yourself if your limits protect your well-being or simply prevent deeper intimacy.

Adjusting overly strict boundaries to allow for more closeness can help you strike a balance between self-preservation and emotional connection.

6. Challenge negative thoughts

Guardedness often stems from fear-based thinking. Notice when you assume the worst or expect rejection and question whether these thoughts are rooted in reality.

Replacing them with more balanced perspectives can help you feel safer opening up.

Watch this video where Dr. Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist, shares two steps to manage negative thoughts:

7. Seek support if needed

Sometimes, dealing with self-preservation alone can feel overwhelming. A trusted friend, counselor, or therapist can provide guidance and tools to help you let go of excessive defense.

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness; it is a powerful step toward creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

In a nutshell

Finding the balance between protecting yourself and opening up in a relationship is not always easy, is it?

Dionne Eleanor, Relationship and Empowerment Mentor, says,

The shield of self-preservation may protect you from pain, but it can also keep you from the warmth of connection.

But it is worth it. Self-preservation has its place—it helps you recognize boundaries and avoid unnecessary hurt. Yet, when it takes over, it can quietly erode the closeness you truly crave.

It is not about tearing down all your walls at once but about lowering them brick by brick with care and trust.

With reflection, communication, and a willingness to grow, you can create a space where both love and safety thrive. After all, true connection happens when you let someone see the real you—even the vulnerable parts.