Knowing Whether You Are Married and Lonely

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for the growth that no other human relationship can equal; a companionship that is promised for a lifetime.

Within the circle of its love, marriage encloses all of life’s most important relationships. A wife and a husband are one another’s best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and supporter.

The emptiness inside your heart

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Loneliness changes how we see other people and makes us devalue our relationships.

We view others as less caring and less committed than they actually are. We assume our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than they may really be.

A lot of people discuss a feeling of loneliness within their marriages. Often their partners look at them with confusion or contempt. They usually question how it’s possible to feel alone when they are in the same house or even the same room much of the time.

When you feel lonely within your marriage, you feel left out, like you’re not a part of anything. You feel alone, and usually “we”becomes only you and your spouse as completely separate entities.

You realize that you and your spouse are worlds apart on some basic values, which scares you and makes you wonder why you married them at all. Your spouse seems to have a different opinion from you most of the time and you wonder if this was always the case and you were too young, stupid or infatuated to notice.

You may feel like your spouse doesn’t pay attention to you

You feel as if your spouse wouldn’t be able to answer basic questions about what’s important to you or what your opinion is about things generally. You yourself have very little idea what he or she thinks about all day, either.

You may try to communicate but the conversations seem to go nowhere. Your partner may feel confused and annoyed, wondering what you want.

You argue about foolish things that are stand-ins for deeper issues

Sometimes you argue because it’s the only way to seek attention from your spouse.

You try to put yourself out there emotionally, but your spouse continues to make sarcastic, mean, or cold remarks, which ultimately makes you more and more cautious of taking any emotional risks. Slowly you are reluctant to talk about yourself, and the majority of your conversations become about the kids, work, or the house.

When there is this feeling of loneliness inside you-you tend to take up many outside interests, occupy yourself with work, or make lots of friends in order to show yourself that life can go on easily without being close to your spouse.

You prosper in all these environments, but grow more detached at home. What hurts the most is that sometimes you have the feeling that your partner might feel the same way that you do.

What to do in order to avoid this situation?

If you feel this way then you should try to find a couples therapist, and explore various ways to work on your relationship. Many couples who feel disconnected, sometimes find their way back to each other with effective counseling, even if only one person goes.

Here are some other effective ways of rekindling your bond with your spouse :

1. Take the initiative

If you’re lonely, it’s highly likely that is your partner is, too. But they are also trapped in a cycle of emotional detachment and feel helpless to break it. The suitable thing to do is to try and initiate conversations that are not about transactional details.

Ask them for their opinion about something they take interest in and make sure to demonstrate you’re listening and involved. Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away, as it takes time to change habits, but after a few gestures of kindness, they will likely return the favor.

2. Create shared experiences

Try to create and share moments where you both can connect.

You can suggest taking part in certain activities that require little effort such as cooking a meal together, taking a walk in the park, watching your wedding video or your children’s videos reminding yourselves of more connected times or going a photo album together.

3. Practice taking their perspective

The longer we’re married, we usually tend to assume that we know what the other person is thinking. But research clearly indicates otherwise.

Figuring out another person’s perspective is not an easy task as it is not always visible to you by their actions or expressions. Gaining a deeper understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings will allow you to convey more sympathy and understanding toward them, which would eventually strengthen your bond.

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Sample Question

When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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