How to Stop Self-Harm in Your Relationship: 13 Ways

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Confusion, confrontation, fear, and a crushing sense of helplessness might ensue when dating someone who self-harms. You don’t have to try to figure out why this is happening. Sometimes, we can’t provide for the ones we love the way we’d like to. The fact is we might still be insufficient. 

Dionne Eleanor, Relationship & Empowerment Mentor, says

In relationships, our desire to fix can sometimes overshadow the power of simply being present.

It must not be very comforting for both you and your partner. No matter how difficult their situation is, you can always do something to comfort your partner. You are not obligated to alleviate their suffering or attempt to alter the emotions that are causing it. 

It’s not broken, so there’s no need to fix it. No matter how much you might want to help if, for instance, your partner cuts herself or you are dating someone who self-harms, you might not be able to help. 

Dionne Eleanor comments,

Healing doesn’t come from taking the pain away—it comes from standing with someone in the storm.

You can’t heal someone else for them, but your presence is crucial. As long as you are kind and provide gentle support that keeps things steady and makes the world a little less painful while they heal, that is more than enough. 

With that said, let’s try to understand how to stop self-harm in your relationship and how to talk to someone about self-harm.

What is self-harm in relationships?

Self-harm in relationships refers to behaviors where individuals inflict physical harm on themselves as a way to cope with emotional pain or distress. These actions are a sign that someone is struggling and needs support and understanding. 

While discussing self-harm and relationships, it’s essential to address the question, “Is self-harm normal?” Though it’s a coping mechanism for some, self-harm is not a healthy response to emotional distress and indicates the need for compassionate intervention and professional help to develop healthier coping strategies.

Dionne Eleanor suggests,

Acknowledging a person’s pain without judgment is the first step toward creating a safe space.

Why do people self-harm?

There are many potential reasons for self-inflicted wounds, none of which can be pinpointed with absolute certainty. The experiences of different people can vary substantially. Specific individuals use self-harm as a coping, often related to a recent or past event.

Research highlight: Research from the Zurich Project on Social Development from Childhood to Adulthood involving 1,482 adolescents found that self-injury is often linked to acute stressful events across various social contexts, particularly in peer relationships. While female adolescents showed increased self-injury risk with multiple stressors, especially in school and intimate relationships, males exhibited different patterns.

The rest of us don’t always have such a crystal-clear understanding of the causes, making it more challenging to comprehend what’s happening.

Dionne Eleanor adds here,

Pain often seeks expression in the only language the heart believes it can speak.

You may not always understand what led to your injuries in the first place. Even if you don’t know why you hurt yourself, there are ways to get help. You can also get help to recognize if your partner is self-harming. 

Signs your partner might be self-harming

Although it’s impossible to generalize about any one combination of symptoms, certain ones are typically present in situations where the individual is at risk of hurting themselves.

• Behavioral signs

• • • Putting on clothes that aren’t suited for the season, like long sleeves when it’s hot outside.
    • Stopping practices that expose one’s body, such as swimming.
    • Having less success in social, academic, or occupational settings.
    • Being injured but without plausible explanations for such wounds.
    • Keeping weapons or other potentially harmful items out of sight.
    • Hiding self-harm through clothing garments

• Psychological signs

• Showing signs of anxiety
• Showing signs of depression

• Psychosocial signs

• • • Loss of enthusiasm for past interests
    • Isolating oneself from other people
    • Shifting emotions drastically
    • Shifts in the regular pattern of their eating and sleeping

• Physical signs

• Overdosing on medicine when it’s not needed
• Evidence of self-injury, such as cuts or wounds
• Hiding self-harm or any evidence linked to them

So, now the question is what to do if your partner is self-harming. Don’t worry, as there are effective ways that can help you and your partner in dealing with self-harm. 

How to stop self-harm in my relationship: 13 ways

You are now aware of why some people inflict self-harm, and you know the signs when someone is going through it. What should you do if you see all the signs in your partner? To save your partner and your relationship, how do you comfort your partner?

If your partner shows such signs, here are 13 things you can do if you want to know how to stop self-harm in your relationship and how to improve your partner’s self-control.

1. Ask your partner out for a date

Changing the environment could help your partner learn how to stop self-harm. Leaving the usual surroundings can provide a warm diversion and buy your partner some much-needed time away from self-harming implements. 

Due to this diversion, the temptation to self-harm may pass. It’s advisable to take things slowly at first and gradually build momentum, but refrain from forcing your partner to do anything.

Getting some exercise together can be a welcome diversion from negative thoughts and a release from the stress they can cause to your partner. One reliable source says that many people who self-harm use sports and other forms of physical activity to help them control their impulses.

Of course, going to the gym may be the last thing on their mind when they don’t feel like doing anything at all. Crowded places can be intimidating at first, but after a while, they may find that the constant buzz of other people makes them feel more at ease. 

Even temporarily, being in the company of others can be enough to reduce the urge to hurt themself.

Dionne Eleanor comments,

Sometimes, a simple shift in scenery can become the backdrop for profound healing.

2. Please encourage them to talk to their closest friend

There are numerous benefits to receiving emotional support from close ones. Whenever they’re feeling suicidal, you can encourage them to talk to their friends or even to you as their partner. Talking to someone about self-harm is essential for their happiness and yours. 

It can be challenging for them to talk about their feelings, but confiding in a single person who will listen without judgment can be an excellent first step. A therapist or counselor can be a great choice in such cases. 

3. Listen to music with them

Listening to music often serves as a momentary respite from intense emotions. Putting on the music you both enjoy can distract your partner from the temptation to self-harm, think about what’s bothering them, and devise different coping strategies. 

Music can affect anyone’s mood, so listen to music that fits their mood and might be comforting when they feel depressed, overwhelmed, or lonely. 

It can be useful in some situations if your boyfriend or girlfriend cuts himself or tries to self-harm. Listening to mournful or nostalgic music may assist if they’re grieving the loss of a loved one, friend, or pet.

Nonetheless, listening to music that shares feelings of pain may not always help. Listening to gloomy music could worsen things if they’re already feeling down.

4. Please help them to experiment with guided imagery

If your girlfriend or boyfriend is suicidal and is struggling to deal with uncomfortable or distressing thoughts, meditation can help them. However, not everyone will benefit from meditating.

If they are already feeling down, it can make them feel even worse, increasing their propensity to self-harm. One possible alternate strategy that you can use to help your partner is guided imagery. 

Making up nice mental scenes is one way to practice this visual method of relaxing. For stress relief, a distraction from thoughts of self-harm, and a sense of inner serenity and quiet, try to make them imagine a rich scene with sensory elements.

5. Do something creative together

Turning to art can help communicate feelings and divert destructive impulses when words fail. The therapeutic benefits of art extend well beyond that. So, having your partner do something creative together can be a big help.

The term “flow state” describes the mental and emotional condition one enters when thoroughly absorbed in an activity. When in the zone, the other sensations, like hunger, weariness, pain, fear, and emotional anguish, tend to melt away. 

The pleasant emotions of inspiration and contentment can also be increased in a flow state. 

6. Hide anything that your partner can use to harm themselves

Anything you think could lead your partner to do self-harm, hide it. Put the key to your tool chest in a place where your partner won’t be able to find it easily.

Even the sharp things around the place should be where they can’t reach or lock all the drawers and hide the key where they will never find it. 

So, if you want to learn how to improve your partner’s self-control, it all comes down to hiding all equipment and tools they can use to hurt themselves. 

7. Please don’t force them to say they won’t do it again

Most of the time, if your boyfriend or your girlfriend is suicidal, asking someone to stop engaging in self-harm is futile since it has become a habit.

Putting such emotional pressure on them can make them even worse, as they may start to worry that you’ll be disappointed in them if they repeat the behavior. Remember that this has nothing to do with you or your bond with them.

Your boyfriend or girlfriend who self-harms needs to figure out why they do it and devise alternatives. Try to look past the actual acts of self-harm and into the motivations and feelings beneath them.

8. Stay away from fights and unreasonable demands

It would help if you didn’t frighten them away by confronting them even while discussing their self-harming behaviors with them. 

It’s essential to keep in mind how the other person must be feeling even though it’s likely that you are unhappy, puzzled, or even angry about the situation and would like to complain to them about it. 

Take your time and demonstrate how compassionate you can be by carefully listening and refraining from passing judgment. This will prevent you from leaping in and making things much more difficult. It’s in everyone’s best interest to avoid conflict and avoid making demands, as doing so is never helpful. 

It might be impossible to convince someone to cease self-injuring by coercion if your girlfriend or boyfriend self-harms. It could help if you did not take it personally that they are hurting themselves because it’s not because of you in any way, shape, or form.

9. Maintain open communication

Communication is extremely important in any relationship, but it’s vital in a partnership where one person engages in self-harm. Suppose you do not feel comfortable discussing the topic of self-harm with them. 

In that case, you may find it preferable for them to talk to a mental health professional or someone with more experience dealing with self-harm. Remember that intentionally hurting oneself is nothing more than a coping strategy that your loved one has acquired.

10. Motivate them to seek out professional advice

It’s wonderful that they have confided in you, but because you are not trained in mental health, you can only provide limited assistance to them. They may also seek support from a therapist or another professional in the field of mental health. 

When you’re wondering what to do when someone cuts themselves, always encouraging someone to seek the assistance of a professional is a great starting step. They should be encouraged by the fact that you are supporting your partner throughout the entire process.

11. Develop a joint safety plan

Creating a safety plan with your partner can offer a proactive approach to managing moments of crisis. This plan should detail the steps to take when the urge to self-harm emerges, including recognizing early warning signs, listing healthy coping mechanisms, and identifying supportive individuals to reach out to. 

Collaboratively working on this plan can not only empower your partner by giving them control during vulnerable moments but also strengthen your bond by establishing trust and understanding. It’s a tangible expression of commitment to each other’s well-being, reinforcing the message that they are not alone in their struggles.

Want to support your partner’s self-harm recovery but unsure where to start? Watch this video to learn how you can support your partner during the recovery journey:

12. Encourage consistency in daily life 

Stability and predictability can be comforting for someone dealing with the urge to self-harm, making a structured daily routine invaluable. 

Encourage your partner to set regular times for meals, sleep, and activities they enjoy or find relaxing. This consistency can help in managing anxiety and reducing the overwhelming feelings that might trigger self-harm.

By supporting your partner in establishing and maintaining a routine, you’re helping them build a framework that fosters a sense of normalcy and control over their environment, which can be particularly grounding during times of emotional turmoil.

13. Work on enhancing self-esteem together

The relationship between self-esteem and self-harm is significant, with lower self-esteem often serving as a catalyst for harmful behaviors. Focus on activities and conversations that highlight your partner’s strengths and achievements. 

Celebrate their successes, no matter how small, and encourage pursuits that promote a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. This strategy is about shifting the narrative from self-criticism to self-appreciation, helping your partner to view themselves in a more positive light. 

Your role in reinforcing their value and capabilities can be a powerful counterbalance to the negative self-perceptions that contribute to self-harm.

FAQs

Dealing with the challenges of self-harm within relationships can require understanding, communication, and compassion. Here are answers to some frequently asked questions on the subject:

• What are the common causes of self-harm in relationships?

Self-harm in relationships can stem from emotional distress, including feelings of inadequacy, unresolved conflict, or trauma. The strain of these emotions can lead individuals to harm themselves as a coping mechanism or a way to express deep-seated pain.

• How important is open communication when dealing with self-harm in relationships?

Open communication is crucial. It creates a safe space for expressing feelings and concerns, which is essential for understanding and support. Effective communication can help address the underlying issues leading to self-harm and nurture a supportive environment for recovery.

• What are some common misconceptions about self-harm in relationships?

Common misconceptions include the belief that self-harm is solely attention-seeking behavior or that it only affects certain types of relationships. In reality, self-harm is a complex issue that can emerge from various emotional struggles, and it can affect anyone, regardless of the relationship’s nature.

The takeaway

While coping methods to stop self-harm might sometimes reduce the need to engage in self-destructive behavior, they rarely address the underlying issues causing the suffering. This indicates that you may experience recurring thoughts of hurting yourself later.

So, when it comes to learning how to stop self-harm, a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist’s assistance is frequently essential in bringing about good long-term transformations. 

In a therapeutic environment, it’s possible to initiate the process of working toward long-term solutions to problems such as the cycle of self-harm and other unpleasant feelings. So, if your girlfriend or boyfriend self-harms, it’s best to encourage them to seek professional help.