How to Stop Being an Enabler in a Relationship: 5 Ways

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Enabling behavior in relationships can be harmful and counterproductive, often resulting in a vicious cycle of dependency and dysfunction. If you constantly support unhealthy behaviors in your partner, it may be time to step back and learn how to stop being an enabler.

In this article, we will explore five practical ways to break free from the cycle of enabling and fostering healthier relationships based on mutual respect and accountability.

What does it mean to be an enabler?

Understanding the meaning of an enabler and recognizing enabling behavior is crucial. Enabling behavior refers to actions that allow or encourage someone to continue unhealthy or harmful behaviors, such as addiction or codependency.

So, what does it mean to enable someone?

As an enabler, you may unintentionally contribute to the problem rather than helping, says clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus, PsyD.

10 signs or characteristics of an enabler

Enabling behavior can often be subtle and may go unnoticed, but it can have severe consequences in relationships. It’s important to recognize the signs and take steps to learn how to stop being an enabler. Here are 10 common signs of an enabler:

1. Ignoring or minimizing the problem

Enablers often downplay the severity of the issue at hand, whether it’s addiction or other harmful actions. They may make excuses or justify the behavior, preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions.

Related Reading: 30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

2. Rescuing or fixing

Enablers may have a strong urge to rescue their loved ones from the consequences of their actions. In a medically reviewed article by Granite Recovery Centers, it’s said that they may constantly step in to fix problems, preventing them from taking responsibility for their behavior.

3. Overcompensating

Enablers may compensate for the other person’s shortcomings or failures by overcompensating in other areas. 

One of the examples of enabling is covering up a partner’s addiction by micromanaging their life.

4. Sacrificing personal boundaries

Enablers often sacrifice their own needs and boundaries to accommodate the other person. They may neglect their well-being, finances, or values to avoid conflict or keep the peace.

Sacrificing for your partner can be a positive trait but should not cross certain limits. Moderation is essential when it comes to undermining your interests for your partner. 

5. Avoiding confrontation

Enablers may avoid confronting the person about their harmful enabling behavior, fearing that it may upset them or damage the relationship. They may tiptoe around the issue rather than addressing it directly and setting healthy boundaries.

6. Enabling through financial support

Enablers may provide financial support to the person, even if it enables their unhealthy behavior. This can include bailing them out of financial troubles caused by their irresponsibility or constantly lending them money without any accountability.

Related Reading: 55 Financial Questions You Need to Ask Your Partner

7. Denial or enabling through denial

They may deny or ignore the reality of the situation, even when it’s evident that the person is engaging in harmful behavior. They may dismiss concerns raised by others or rationalize the behavior to protect the person from facing the consequences.

Related Reading: How to Deal With Someone in Denial: 10 Ways

8. People-pleasing

Enablers often have a strong need to please others and may go to great lengths to avoid conflict. This can lead to enabling behavior by constantly accommodating the person’s wishes or trying to keep them happy at the expense of their own well-being.

9. Codependency

Enablers may have a codependent relationship with the person they’re enabling, where they become overly dependent on each other in an unhealthy way. This can make it difficult for the enabler to set boundaries and break free from the enabling behavior.

10. Allowing excuses and manipulation

Enablers may be easily swayed by their pleas for sympathy, promises to change, or threats of adverse consequences if they don’t enable them, says a licensed marriage and family therapist, Darlene Lancer.

5 ways to stop being an enabler in a relationship

If you recognize that you’ve been enabling someone in a relationship, taking proactive steps is important to break free from this harmful pattern. Here are 5 ways how to stop being an enabler in a relationship:

1. Set clear and healthy boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries is crucial in stopping enabling behavior. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate these boundaries with your loved one.

Related Reading: 6 Types of Boundaries in Relationships & How to Maintain Them

2. Stop rescuing

Resist the urge to rescue or fix the person’s problems. Allow them to face the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes.

3. Encourage accountability

Encourage the person to take responsibility for their behavior and hold them accountable for their actions. This may mean refusing to cover up for them or bail them out of trouble.

Related Reading: 15 Easy Ways to Take More Accountability in Relationships

4. Seek support

It can be challenging to learn how to stop enabling someone on your own. Seek support from a relationship counseling therapist to help you navigate the process.

An expert can help you identify problematic traits and actions and suggest ways to address these healthily. 

5. Practice self-care

Taking care of yourself is crucial in breaking free from enabling behavior. Set aside time for activities that bring you joy, prioritize your physical and mental health, and establish a support system for yourself.

In a “View From the Top Speaker” series at Stanford Graduate School of Business, Oprah Winfrey emphasized the significance of self-care in a compelling talk.

Some commonly asked questions

Here, we answer some frequently asked questions about enabling, and we hope you find them helpful.

• What is an enabler personality?

An enabler personality refers to someone who habitually engages in enabling behavior, such as rescuing, covering up, or supporting unhealthy behaviors or habits of others, often to the detriment of their own well-being.

• How do I know if I am enabling someone?

You may be enabling someone if you consistently cover-up, rescue, or support their unhealthy behaviors or habits and neglect to set boundaries or hold them accountable for their actions, despite harmful consequences.

Final thoughts 

Being an enabler in a relationship can have detrimental effects. Recognizing enabling behavior and taking action are essential steps in learning how to stop being an enabler and fostering healthier relationships based on mutual respect and accountability.

Remember, breaking free from enabling patterns and creating positive change is never too late.