What Is a High-Conflict Personality? Types & How to Deal

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Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where disagreements seem more intense than the norm, where every conversation has the potential to turn into a conflict? This could be a sign of a high-conflict personality at play. 

What exactly does this term mean, and how does it manifest in our closest relationships? Understanding the characteristics and types of high-conflict personalities can be a crucial step in addressing the challenges they bring into interpersonal dynamics. 

Dealing with such conflicting personalities can require patience, strategy, and a deep understanding of what drives their behavior. 

Whether it’s in a romantic partnership, a friendship, or a familial bond, recognizing the signs and learning how to manage these interactions effectively can transform a potentially volatile relationship into a more harmonious connection. 

But what strategies can be most effective in dealing with high-conflict personalities, and how can you apply them to improve your relationship dynamics?

What is a high-conflict personality?

A high-conflict personality is characterized by a consistent pattern of intense reactions, poor impulse control, and a bias toward conflict in interactions with others. Individuals with such personalities can exhibit a heightened sensitivity to criticism, a deep-seated fear of rejection, and a tendency to see situations in black and white.

In relationships, this can lead to recurring disputes and emotional turmoil, making high-conflict relationships particularly challenging to maintain. 

High-conflict people may struggle to maintain lasting, positive relationships without recognizing their behaviors and seeking strategies for change, highlighting the importance of understanding and addressing these dynamics for healthier interactions.

According to Grady Shumway, a licensed mental health counselor:

A high-conflict personality is marked by persistent, intense reactions, poor impulse control, and a predisposition toward conflict. These individuals often react strongly to criticism, harbor deep fears of rejection, and view situations in an all-or-nothing manner.

This can result in frequent disputes and emotional instability in relationships, making them difficult to sustain. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial for fostering healthier and more stable interactions.

10 types of high-conflict personalities

High-conflict personality discovery is a broad spectrum that encompasses different kinds of behavior. You may realize that a particular attitude is dominant with the high-conflict person you are dealing with. Learn about them below:

1. The verbal attacker

As the name implies, this type of high-conflict personality disorder capitalizes on attacking their partner with hurtful words. When an issue occurs, they resort to blaming, judging, and assassinating people’s characters.

A conflictive person with this personality finds it difficult to take responsibility. The fault always lies with others.

2. The stonewaller

What this high-conflict personality does best is to evade events that might bring solutions during an argument. 

They shut down during disputes and refuse to communicate. This behavior is to protect the ego of a conflicting person. Therefore, the receiving partner gets frustrated over their spouse’s inability to cooperate.

3. The submissive

A person with this personality type admits they are at fault, but only to avoid elongating the argument or avoiding another fight.

4. The antisocial

Antisocial high conflict disorder can be deceptive, even though it looks attractive. Individuals try to manipulate things to get what they want. However, when they don’t get their desired outcome, they blame others and act cruelly.

5. The manipulator

Watch out for this personality trait as they focus on manipulating people and making a mole out of a mountain.

6. The paranoid

They are suspicious of the people around them and often think of fights that have yet to happen. They may also hold a grudge for a long time.

7. The fixer

Such type of person is concerned about seeking solutions to problems. They don’t like to leave a problem hanging for long.

8. The borderline

In these types of high conflict, people in relationships cling to their relationships and blame their partner for misperceived abandonment. They also exhibit dangerous emotions and physical behavior.

9. The narcissistic

A person with a narcissistic, high-conflict personality sees themselves as superior to others. They believe their feelings come first before others.

They blame others for their mistakes and manipulate them into thinking they have a problem. Also, they are likely to criticize their partners outside.

10. The avoider

They find safety in not communicating whenever there is an argument. An avoiding high-conflict personality will do anything to avoid confrontation with you. Also, an avoided will often digress and distract during an argument or discussion to solve an issue.

What causes a high-conflict personality?

Unfortunately, it is hard to pinpoint the causes of high-conflict personalities in individuals. There is research that has linked high personality disorder to childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. But it’s hard to tell on the surface.

One fact is particular: temperament has a huge role in developing a high-personality disorder. That’s why a conflictive person makes a big deal out of a minor situation. 

In addition, events that often cause emotional stress and anxiety, such as divorces, heartbreaks, trauma, and relationship difficulties, can trigger high-conflict personalities. Nonetheless, these are just scientific speculations considering the similarities of these circumstances with HCP.

It’s important to know that a high-conflict personality has nothing to do with genetics or psychological conditions. However, individuals, especially children, can emulate an older person. 

Regardless of the causes of conflict in personality types, couples should devise means of resolving conflict as quickly as possible. If the conflictive person proves adamant, the other person may approach the issue by considering the individual’s background and needs. 

As Grady Shumway further explains:

The causes of a high-conflict personality are complex and not easily pinpointed. Research suggests links to childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect, though these factors are not always visible. Temperament plays a significant role, as individuals with high-conflict personalities may blow minor issues out of proportion.

Emotional stressors like divorces or heartbreaks can also exacerbate these traits. While genetics and psychological conditions are not directly responsible, emulation of behavior from influential figures can impact personality development.

Regardless of the underlying causes, it’s crucial for couples to find effective conflict resolution strategies and consider the individual’s background and needs when addressing ongoing conflicts.

4 red flags of a high-conflict partner

When it comes to high-conflict personality traits, people in relationships tend to have some patterns of red flags behavior. In order to know how to deal with a high-conflict personality, it’s crucial to watch out for some signs.

That will tell you whether to stick with your partner and help them or leave. Here are 4 red flags of a high-conflict personality:

1. Blaming others 

One of the red flags you may find with a high-conflict person is the need to blame others. It’s always others’ fault for errors or mistakes. 

You may hear statements like, “The breakup was all her fault because she ignored me.” “We would have been together if he had not left for his new job.” “My neighbors make a whole mess every time.”

While others may be genuinely at fault, a repeated pattern may be pointing the finger at the ones who are blaming others. Confirm if the person usually attributes faults to others. If it’s true, you should be a little concerned.

2. Not finding solutions

Once again, conflicts are normal in relationships. The best way to keep the partnership growing is to find solutions together. Sadly, when you are dealing with a high-conflict person, you will realize that they might not be cooperative. 

For example, you may hear, “Let’s just take a break then.” Or “Divorce is a great option at this point.” Statements like these are disastrous to any relationship.

3. Unprocessed feelings and emotions

Another standard red flag of a high-conflict personality disorder is unmanaged emotions. You may be surprised that your partner is still holding on to a fight you had months ago. 

Your partner may suddenly burst out and flare up over some minor problem or perceive the issue. You then wonder, “Could my behavior cause this backlash?” “Could there be something wrong with me?” “Maybe I am at fault.” 

These are statements and questions people say or ask themselves when dating a high-conflict person.

While these statements and questions are signs of healthy self-reflection, you should only work on yourself if they are true. However, suppose the other person’s behavior clearly shows that they are at fault. In that case, it is a red flag about their attitudes.

4. Extreme behavior

Another red flag of a conflicting person is a display of extreme behavior. As time goes on, you will see some aggressive or extreme behavior patterns in a high-conflict person. 

For example, a person with a high-conflict personality disorder may leave their house for days because of an argument. 

Then, they give excuses that they were angry or needed the break to calm themselves down. While their reason may work, you may need to ask yourself if you would do the same thing to them. Another extreme behavior to watch out for is a threat.

For instance, statements like, “If you try that again, I will leave this marriage.” Or “You will never see the kids again if you cut me off.” “I’m going to destroy everything you hold dear if you challenge me.” You shouldn’t take these statements lightly.

9 ways to deal with a high-conflict personality in relationships

Indeed, dealing with someone who has HCP can be daunting. You might not know what to say or do around them anymore. 

However, suppose you still value your relationship and believe in your partner. In that case, there is a solution to dealing with a high-conflict personality. These include:

1. Stay calm

When you have an issue with your partner, ensure you remain calm. It can be tempting to confront your partner during a disagreement, but don’t.

You will only aggravate the situation. The calmer you are, the calmer your partner will soon be when they realize you aren’t reacting like them.

Grady Shumway highlights that:

When facing an issue with your partner, it’s essential to remain calm. Confronting them during a disagreement can escalate tensions, so it’s best to approach the situation with a composed demeanor.

By staying calm, you help de-escalate the conflict and encourage a more measured response from your partner, making it easier to resolve the issue effectively.

2. Don’t apologize

Unless you have a convincing reason, you shouldn’t apologize during an argument with your partner, especially when they accuse you wrongly.

Apologizing means admitting to the mistake, but that won’t solve the problem. Instead, it gives your partner more power.

3. Don’t beat around the bush

In the heat of a disagreement, clarity becomes your most powerful tool. Being direct and honest about your feelings and thoughts is crucial, especially when dealing with a high-conflict personality. This approach can help minimize misunderstandings and prevent the escalation of tension.

4. Understand your partner’s perspective

One of the best ways to settle a dispute is to put yourself in another person’s shoes. Regardless of how your partner might have acted in the past, try to see from their point of view.

5. Consult a relationship coach

If your efforts to manage the challenges of a high-conflict personality feel fruitless, turning to a relationship coach can be a transformative step.

These professionals specialize in conflict resolution and can offer tailored advice and strategies to improve communication, understanding, and empathy within your relationship.

6. Set clear boundaries 

Establishing clear boundaries with your partner is essential. Clearly communicate your limits and the consequences of overstepping them. This can help create mutual respect and understanding, even in the midst of conflict.

7. Use “I” statements

When discussing issues, focus on how the situation makes you feel rather than accusing your partner. Statements like “I feel upset when…” can foster a more constructive conversation and reduce defensiveness.

8. Focus on solutions, not problems

Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, direct your energy toward finding a solution. This positive approach can shift the dynamic from conflict to collaboration, making it easier to overcome challenges together.

Learn to handle conflicts in your relationships and communicate well by watching this video where licensed psychotherapist Terri Cole shares her insights:

9. Practice empathy

Try to understand the underlying reasons for your partner’s behavior. High-conflict personalities often stem from deep-seated fears or insecurities. Showing empathy can diffuse tension and lead to a deeper connection.

Grady Shumway highlights that:

Try to understand the underlying reasons for your partner’s behavior, as high-conflict personalities often arise from deep-seated fears or insecurities.

Practicing empathy can help diffuse tension and foster a deeper connection, creating an environment where both partners feel heard and understood.

FAQs

Relationships with high-conflict individuals or those with narcissistic traits can be challenging. Below are insights into common questions regarding these dynamics.

• Can a high-conflict person change?

Yes, a high-conflict person can change with self-awareness, a genuine desire to improve, and professional guidance. Change involves recognizing their patterns, understanding the impact of their behavior on others, and learning healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.

• Are narcissists in high conflict?

Narcissists often find themselves in high-conflict situations due to their heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism and strong need for admiration. Their lack of empathy and tendency to manipulate or belittle others can exacerbate conflicts, making it difficult to maintain harmonious relationships.

Takeaway

A high-conflict personality is constantly involved in endless arguments without hope of resolution. Dealing with such a person is frustrating, as you are on the receiving end most of the time.

Nonetheless, knowing the conflict personality types and how to deal with high-conflict personalities can help you manage your relationship well. You may also consult a relationship therapist or expert for more guidance.