Funny Marriage Advice for Him

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Affection is not grabbing your wife’s boobs and smacking her ass

There’s certainly a time and place for grabbing your wife by the ass, picking her up, and slamming her on your bed to show her a good time. But let’s face it, some of you are confusing “a time and place” for every night in your bedroom. You’ve signed on for a lifetime with this woman, so you have to vary your approach when it comes to sex and intimacy. Chances are she wouldn’t mind a back rub, some foreplay, or simply cuddling with you when you two lay down at night.

Stop honking your wife’s lady bits like they’re a car horn and show them some tender loving care. It wouldn’t hurt to put on a little TLC in the background to set the mood, either. You can thank me later.

Don’t try to have a serious conversation during “This is us”

Seriously, just don’t do it. I’ll admit, I even watch this show. It’s a good one, mainly because it feels so human and relatable. No matter if you enjoy the show or not, your wife probably loves it. You run the risk of some serious backlash if you try to cut in on her time with the Pearson family. For one thing, stepping in on her indulgent time of just sitting back and watching TV won’t do you any good. She won’t be engaged with whatever it is that you have to say, and she’ll almost certainly get more upset with you than if you’d just zipped your lip until the credits rolled.

Secondly, and most importantly, by comparison you are probably a schmuck next to Jack Pearson, the patriarch of the Pearsons. Trying to have “The Talk” while he’s on TV is only going to shine a light on your inferiority. Just sit back, watch the show (maybe take some notes from Jack), and wait to communicate your feelings until after the show has ended. It’s the best for your ego and the quality of the conversation that you intend to have.

When budgeting, just leave some room for your wife to splurge

If you’re anything like me, you probably could care less about your seasonal decorations, pillow selection, or plate and bowl collection. In general, guys tend to be more plain and simple, and our ladies are more interested in making our homes aesthetically pleasing.

To avoid a budgetary headache, just leave some room in there for your wife to indulge in some decorations, throw pillows, or new curtains. I know the rational mind within you is screaming, “BUT WE DON’T NEED THOSE THINGS!” I know, I know. We may not need them, but your wife will probably want them. And once she works her magic and paints the blank canvas of your house with her pallette of new decor, you’ll be happy you let her. My wife is the one that makes this house a home. She brings in these random knick knacks and decorative pieces all the time, and I’m oblivious to what they are or where they’ll go. But most of the time, she makes good use of the purchase and brings out the best in our home.

Financial issues are one of the biggest struggles for married couples, so do your relationship a favor and give your wife a little wiggle room when you draft up the next budget.

Create a “Possession arrow” system in your marriage

For those of you not familiar with college basketball and it’s infamous possession arrow, let me break it down for you. When the two teams are hustling after and struggling for possession of the ball, only to come up with a stalemate, the possession arrow decides who gets to take control of the ball. So, if on one struggled stalemate Team A is rewarded the basketball, Team B will get the opportunity to take possession if there is another undecided tussle for the ball.

In your marriage, use the principle of the possession arrow to help decide arguments that you just can’t come to agreement on. Let’s say your wife wants to renovate the kitchen, and you don’t think it’s a good idea. If, after laying out both of your arguments, you still can’t agree, let the possession arrow decide. If it is currently in your favor, then the kitchen doesn’t get redone. The next time you have an argument that doesn’t reach a compromised conclusion, your wife will get final say. It will keep your arguments and disagreements interesting, but it will also create a standardized rule that everyone will have to play by. Happy arguing!

Listen, fellas, marriage is hard work. I know it’s cliche, but it really is. Saying “I Do” on your wedding day won’t keep the love alive until the day that you die. You need to find what works for you, reject what doesn’t, and consistently show up for each other. And above all, laugh a little. It’s a long road to travel with a straight face, so don’t be afraid to take yourself and your marriage less serious. Keep it light, fun, and enjoy yourself!