13 Ways to Combat Feeling Unappreciated in a Relationship

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Imagine tirelessly planning a special anniversary dinner for your partner, only to have them barely acknowledge your effort. This sinking sensation is the epitome of feeling unappreciated—a common but distressing experience in many relationships. 

Feeling cherished and acknowledged is fundamental to any healthy partnership. When appreciation diminishes, it not only sours individual moments but can also create a ripple of discontent that affects the entire relationship. 

In this guide, we’ll delve into the signs that you might be feeling unappreciated and provide actionable steps to reclaim the respect and acknowledgment you deserve.

What does it mean to feel unappreciated?

Feeling unappreciated is like offering a gift and having it ignored. It’s the painful realization that your efforts, contributions, or simply your existence are overlooked. This emotional neglect erodes self-esteem, creating a chasm between your perceived value and the recognition received. 

As per Vicki Botnick, LMFT

Sometimes two people have very different needs for feedback. If you are getting less appreciation than you feel you deserve, it could be that your partner is not used to noticing or expressing his or her gratitude. A simple reminder can be helpful.

For instance, consistently supporting someone without acknowledgement can be deeply disheartening. It’s not just the absence of a “thank you,” but the implied message that your efforts are expected and unimportant. 

This invalidation fosters isolation and resentment, gradually dampening your spirit. Over time, relationships can strain as trust erodes and communication becomes strained.

What is the importance of appreciation in a relationship?

In relationships, the feeling of being appreciated is fundamental. It not only enhances love and respect but also ensures longevity and happiness between partners.

• Appreciation fosters emotional intimacy

When partners regularly express appreciation for each other, it builds a deeper emotional connection. This connection is essential for long-term intimacy and can make both partners feel more secure and connected in their relationship.

• Appreciation encourages positive reinforcement

Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s actions can serve as a positive reinforcement, motivating them to continue those behaviors. This can lead to a cycle of kindness and generosity between partners, enhancing the overall quality of the relationship.

• Appreciation helps to build mutual respect

Appreciation signals respect for the other person’s contributions, both big and small, to the relationship. When both partners feel respected, it creates a foundation of trust and admiration, which are critical components of a successful partnership.

• Appreciation reduces resentment

Regularly acknowledging and appreciating your partner’s efforts can prevent feelings of being taken for granted, which often leads to resentment. When both partners feel valued, they are less likely to harbor negative feelings towards each other, maintaining a more harmonious relationship.

• Appreciation promotes relationship resilience

Couples who actively appreciate each other are more likely to weather difficult times. Appreciation can act as a buffer against stress and conflict, helping partners maintain a positive outlook on their relationship during challenging periods.

• Appreciation increases satisfaction

Feeling unappreciated in a relationship can significantly impact one’s emotional well-being. However, when appreciation is present, it greatly increases satisfaction, making each partner feel cherished and valued, and significantly enhancing the quality of the relationship. 

Why is it not okay to feel unappreciated?

Feeling unappreciated in a relationship not only diminishes self-esteem but also affects overall well-being. It’s crucial to address this issue as its impacts can be deeply harmful, leading to long-term emotional consequences.

Vicki Botnick, LMFT, highlights,

In most couples, each partner feels at times that they are giving more than they are receiving. Scorekeeping is almost never helpful, but communicating openly about your hurt feelings is a good start to feeling heard and understood.

Here are some reasons why being unappreciated is not okay:

• Emotional distress: It can lead to feelings of loneliness and sadness.
• Lowered self-esteem: Constant neglect can make you question your own worth.
• Relationship imbalance: Lack of appreciation can create resentment and imbalance in the relationship.
• Decreased motivation: You may lose motivation to invest in the relationship.
• Mental health impact: Prolonged feelings of being undervalued can affect your mental health.

9 signs of being unappreciated in a relationship

If you feel that you are not being appreciated, it can be helpful to understand some of the signs of feeling unappreciated in a relationship.

If you start to notice some of the following signs you are not valued in a relationship, there is a good chance that your feelings are valid:

1. No gratitude

Your partner never says thank you, no matter what you do. This means your partner is so used to the good treatment you give that they no longer take time to acknowledge all that you do. Your spouse or significant other simply expects your behavior and takes it for granted.

• Example: You spend hours preparing a special dinner for your partner’s birthday, and they eat without commenting or thanking you for the effort.

2. Doesn’t seek your counsel

Your significant other never asks for your advice about major decisions, suggesting they don’t appreciate your input or role in their life.

In fact, when your partner makes plans or commitments without consulting you, this is usually a sign of being unappreciated because it suggests your partner assumed you would be okay with whatever plans were made. They didn’t consider your schedule or wishes.

• Example: Your partner decides to buy a new car without discussing the financial implications with you, even though it affects both of your budgets.

3. Imbalance in sharing responsibilities

You may feel that you are doing more than your fair share of housework or taking care of the majority of the responsibilities within the household or relationship. This situation can lead you to feel unappreciated by your husband or wife. 

• Example: You find yourself always doing the laundry, cooking, and managing the kids’ schedules while your partner rarely helps or only takes on less demanding tasks.

4. No gestures that showcase care

You feel upset that your partner doesn’t acknowledge special occasions like birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries, even though these occasions are important to you. Your partner cannot even make small romantic gestures to make you happy or feel loved.

You may also notice that your partner rarely asks you how your day was, or they don’t show any interest in hearing about your day.

• Example: On your anniversary, your partner doesn’t make any plans or even mention the occasion, despite knowing it’s important to you.

5. Inconsiderate towards your feelings

It can sometimes be obvious that your partner doesn’t consider your feelings. For example, they may willfully do something they know upsets you or just generally be cold or rude to you. Your partner doesn’t consult with you about how they spend their time.

• Example: Knowing that you’re allergic to smoke, your partner chooses to smoke near you during an outdoor event, disregarding your health.

6. Lack of emotional support

You often encounter challenging times, but your partner doesn’t offer emotional support or understanding. They may dismiss your feelings or struggles, leaving you feeling isolated and unappreciated in your moments of vulnerability. 

It’s essential to have a partner who can empathize and provide emotional comfort during difficult periods.

• Example: When you receive disappointing news about a job application, your partner brushes it off and changes the subject instead of listening to your concerns.

7. Disregard your personal growth and goals

Your partner doesn’t show any interest in your personal aspirations, goals, or self-improvement efforts. They don’t encourage you to pursue your dreams or help you achieve them. 

Instead, they might be indifferent or discouraging, making you feel unappreciated and unsupported in your personal development journey. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be invested in each other’s growth and happiness.

• Example: When you express a desire to go back to school for further education, your partner dismisses it as unnecessary and discourages you from pursuing it.

8. Rare compliments

When you feel unappreciated, it often shows in the lack of compliments or recognition from your partner. 

Even when you achieve something notable at work or make personal improvements, these efforts go unacknowledged. This disregard can make you feel invisible and unvalued, encapsulating the underappreciated meaning in your daily interactions.

• Example: You’ve recently lost weight and feel great about it, but your partner has not made a single comment about your new appearance or the effort you’ve put into achieving this goal.

9. Communication breakdown

You often find that your partner is unresponsive or minimally responsive to your attempts to communicate, whether through text, call, or face-to-face conversation. 

The lack of engagement can indicate that they do not value your need for interaction or deem your shared communication as important, further contributing to feelings of being underappreciated in the relationship.

• Example: You send your partner multiple texts about needing to discuss something important, but they only reply many hours later with a vague “ok” without engaging further in the conversation.

Is your partner taking you for granted?

If feeling unappreciated is a common theme in your relationship, it might be that your partner is taking you for granted. Recognizing this pattern is crucial as it can often lead to further emotional distance.

Learn more about this issue here.

13 ways to handle feeling unappreciated in a relationship

Feeling unappreciated in a relationship can leave you questioning your value and place within your partnership. Recognizing and addressing this sentiment is crucial to restoring balance and ensuring emotional fulfillment. 

As per Vicki Botnick, LMFT

After “Consider if it’s time to move on,” it can be helpful to ask yourself if this is a pattern in your relationships. If you find yourself feeling unappreciated and overworked in many situations, including at work and with friends, you might want to focus on asserting your needs more and setting more boundaries.

Here’s a detailed guide on what to do when you feel unappreciated, providing practical steps to communicate your needs and reclaim your happiness.

1. Communicate openly

Initiate a calm, honest conversation with your partner about your feelings of being unappreciated. Explain specific instances where you felt overlooked and discuss possible reasons behind these feelings. Effective communication can help clear misunderstandings and set the stage for improvement.

• Try this: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner, such as “I feel unappreciated when…” This approach can minimize defensiveness and foster a more open dialogue.

2. Set boundaries

Determine what behaviors you can accept and which ones you cannot. Communicating your boundaries clearly to your partner can help prevent feelings of being taken for granted and ensure that your needs are respected.

• Try this: Be specific about your boundaries. Instead of a vague “I need space,” specify what that means for you, like “I need an hour alone after work to unwind.”

3. Seek understanding

Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Sometimes, a lack of appreciation can stem from stress, distractions, or misunderstanding about what you need to feel valued.

• Try this: Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Questions like “What’s been on your mind lately?” can open up the conversation.

4. Express your needs

Be clear about what actions or words make you feel appreciated. Sometimes partners may not realize what specific gestures mean the most to you, leading to feelings of being unappreciated in a relationship.

• Try this: Write down what makes you feel appreciated and share it with your partner. Seeing it in writing can help them remember and understand your needs better.

5. Focus on self-care

Invest in activities that make you feel good, whether it’s pursuing a hobby, exercising, or simply taking time for yourself. Feeling good about yourself helps you address relationship issues more positively.

• Try this: Schedule regular “me-time” into your calendar as you would any important appointment. Treat these moments as non-negotiable for your well-being.

6. Counseling

If communication and personal efforts don’t lead to improvement, consider seeking help from a couples therapist. Professional guidance can provide new strategies and insights for both partners.

• Try this: Choose a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and commit to the process. Regular sessions can provide continuous support and guidance for both partners.

7. Reevaluate the relationship

Consider why do I feel unappreciated in my relationship and whether it is truly serving your emotional needs. Sometimes, ongoing unappreciation can indicate deeper issues that might not be resolvable.

• Try this: Make a list of pros and cons about your relationship to help clarify your feelings and decisions. Sometimes seeing things on paper can provide a new perspective.

8. Practice self-appreciation

Recognize and celebrate your own achievements and qualities, regardless of your partner’s acknowledgment. Building self-esteem will help you assert your worth in the relationship.

• Try this: Start a daily gratitude journal focused on things you appreciate about yourself. This can help shift your focus from external validation to internal satisfaction.

9. Request reciprocity

Encourage a more balanced dynamic where both partners contribute equally to the relationship. This might involve discussing specific changes in chores, emotional support, or decision-making.

• Try this: Suggest weekly relationship check-ins where you both discuss what went well and what could be improved, ensuring ongoing dialogue about balance and reciprocity.

To learn more about reciprocity and how it works, watch this video:

10. Reduce your efforts

If overextending yourself isn’t being acknowledged, pulling back can sometimes make your partner recognize and appreciate the things you do.

• Try this: Gradually scale back your efforts rather than stopping abruptly. This gives your partner time to notice and adjust to the changes without feeling overwhelmed.

11. Stay social

Maintain strong connections with friends and family. A supportive social network can provide emotional validation and perspective outside your romantic relationship.

• Try this: Join groups or activities that align with your interests. This not only expands your social network but also enriches your personal growth and independence.

12. Educate on appreciation

Share resources such as articles, books, or videos about the importance of appreciation in relationships. This can help your partner understand the significance of showing gratitude and respect.

• Try this: Share a particularly impactful article or book on appreciation in relationships during a relaxed moment, perhaps during a shared meal or quiet evening.

13. Decide what you deserve

If your efforts to foster appreciation are unmet, it may be necessary to consider if this relationship aligns with your needs for respect and happiness. Remember, your well-being should be a priority.

• Try this: Consult with trusted friends or family members about your situation. Sometimes, external perspectives can help validate your feelings and help you see clearer paths forward.

Final thoughts

Take action today if you’re feeling unappreciated in your relationship. It’s essential to communicate your feelings and seek change. 

Remember, appreciation is fundamental for a fulfilling partnership. 

If you continuously find yourself feeling unappreciated despite efforts to address it, consider the health of your relationship. 

Assess whether your emotional needs are being met and if the partnership aligns with your values. Your well-being and happiness are paramount, and you deserve a relationship where you feel valued and respected. 

Encourage open dialogue and mutual respect with your partner, and don’t hesitate to seek external support if needed. Your satisfaction and emotional health must always come first.