Being the Family Scapegoat: Signs, Causes and How to Cope

Listen to this article

The scapegoat is the child who grows up thinking they’re the problem when in truth, they’re often the only one brave enough to challenge the dysfunction.

Does it feel like you’re always the one blamed when things go wrong in your family? Do you find yourself carrying guilt and shame for issues you didn’t create? 

Being a scapegoat in the family can feel isolating, confusing, and deeply unfair.

Imagine constantly being criticized for your choices, held to impossible standards, or treated like the “troublemaker” despite your best efforts. 

This dynamic, known as scapegoating, often masks deeper family dysfunctions. But what does scapegoat mean in this context, and how do you recognize the signs you are the family scapegoat?

In this article, we’ll explore the signs, causes, and solutions to help you understand and cope with this role. From recognizing the patterns to reclaiming your worth, this guide offers actionable insights to break free from the scapegoat cycle and heal.

Who is a family scapegoat?

A family scapegoat is someone consistently blamed for the problems within the family unit. This individual often bears the brunt of criticism or negative outcomes, making them a convenient target for various issues. 

Characteristics of a family scapegoat can include feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unfairly judged. The scapegoating process not only diverts attention from the real issues needing resolution but also perpetuates a cycle of family scapegoat abuse. 

This abuse can manifest as emotional, psychological, or even physical mistreatment, stemming from the family’s refusal to address the underlying causes of their problems. The scapegoat’s role is deeply ingrained in family dynamics, making it challenging for them and other members to recognize and break this harmful pattern.

Lori L Ellison’s study titled Scapegoating explains all you need to know about this concept. You will learn how scapegoating occurs in families, friendships, etc. 

5 worrying signs of a family scapegoat

When it comes to being the family scapegoat, it suggests that you would most likely be blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family. 

Sometimes, the scapegoat might be the most sincere and truthful person in the family, but other family members might come together to paint them in the dark light.

Here are some family scapegoat signs:

1. You get punished for telling the truth

One of the ways to tell the characteristics of the family scapegoat is that when they say the truth, they get punished for it. Most times, the family might need to look into the veracity of their claims. 

Instead, they get punished because they are labeled as the source of the problem.

2. You are left out

Another way to identify that you are the family scapegoat is when the family excludes you from conversations, events, etc. They might not see any reason to invite you because you’re not on the same page as them. Interestingly, if you deliberately decide not to be involved, you’ll get blamed.

3. You don’t receive praise

It is typical for the family scapegoat not to get praise or commendations. If they do something good, everyone tends to overlook it because it doesn’t excite them. However, if someone in the family achieves a similar feat, everyone celebrates them.

4. You are blamed for problems in the family

To know when you’re the family scapegoat, observe if you’re regularly blamed when there are shortcomings in the family. Usually, the scapegoat of the family will get blamed when anything goes wrong.

5. You are placed on a different pedestal

When it comes to being the family scapegoat, you get held to a different standard. For instance, if you give an opinion on something, it may be ignored. However, if someone else in the family shares a similar idea, they celebrate the person.

J David Arnold gave an in-depth inquiry into the concept of scapegoating in families. His study titled Family Scapegoating and Adolescent Development contains all you need to know about how it occurs in families.

5 causes why you are being a family scapegoat

It is important to mention that the family scapegoat is not randomly chosen. Instead, it can be based on factors that might not entirely be their fault. Here are some of the causes of scapegoating in families.

1. Past mistakes

If someone in the family has made mistakes in the past, they are likely to be the family scapegoat, especially if these mistakes are similar. The person might try to atone for their mistakes, but the family might ignore their efforts and still label them scapegoats.

2. Intelligence

Being on both ends of the intelligence spectrum can make someone the family scapegoat. This means that the family might fault someone who is too intelligent or doesn’t have the desired mental capacity, because they’re an easier target.

3. Role of the protector

When someone tries to protect others in the family, they can attract the scapegoat child characteristics. Other family members might pick them as scapegoats because they always try to defend others.

4. Appearance

Sometimes, people become the scapegoat child or adults in their families because of their appearance. For instance, if someone in the family has a different hair color from others, they might be the scapegoat because they might look unrelated to others in the family.

Watch this video to learn what you should understand before you judge someone:

5. Parenting anxiety

When parents experience anxiety while bringing up children, they might inadvertently tag any children as the scapegoat family role, and the label might live with them forever.

Related Reading: https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/how-to-stop-the-blame-game-in-relationship/

How does being a scapegoat affect a person in the long term?

Being the family scapegoat can have long-lasting emotional and psychological effects on a person. Over time, the constant blame and criticism can shape how they view themselves and their relationships with others, often leading to deep-seated issues that may persist well into adulthood.

How to cope with being a family scapegoat: 9 helpful ways

Being designated as the family scapegoat can be a painful and isolating experience. This role involves bearing the blame for family issues, often leading to significant emotional distress. The scapegoat role in family dynamics is complex and deeply embedded, making it challenging to face and overcome. 

Here are seven helpful ways to address and transform the experience of being a family scapegoat.

1. Recognize the scapegoat role

The first step in coping is acknowledging that you’ve been cast in the scapegoat role in your family. 

Understanding why family scapegoats become lifelong victims can help you begin to see the patterns of behavior and the dynamics that have contributed to your situation. Recognition allows you to separate your identity from the role imposed upon you.

Dr. Jenni Schulz, PhD in Psychology, explains

The family scapegoat role exists when family interactions become dysfunctional.” She further states, “When families become dysfunctional, they may blame one person for all the problems, rather than each person taking a look at their individual contributions to negative family patterns.

So, the bottom line is that being a family scapegoat isn’t a personal problem; it’s a problem belonging to the entire family, and it’s not your issue alone.

2. Set healthy boundaries

Setting clear and healthy boundaries is essential. It involves communicating your needs and limits to family members and sticking to them, even if it leads to conflict. Establishing boundaries can help protect you from further scapegoat family therapy and abuse, reducing the impact of negative behaviors on your well-being.

3. Seek external support

Finding support outside the family circle, such as friends, support groups, or professional counselors, can provide you with the validation and perspective needed to cope with your situation. External support offers a safe space to express your feelings and receive unbiased advice.

4. Engage in self-reflection

Take time to reflect on your experiences and feelings. Self-reflection can help you understand the impact of the scapegoat role on your self-esteem and relationships. It’s also an opportunity to recognize your strengths and the resilience you’ve developed in coping with challenging family dynamics.

5. Focus on personal growth

Investing in your personal development can help shift the focus from your family’s scapegoating to your own growth and happiness. Pursue interests, hobbies, and goals that bring you joy and fulfillment. Personal growth fosters self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment, counteracting the negative effects of scapegoating.

6. Consider therapy

Scapegoat family therapy can be particularly beneficial. A therapist familiar with family dynamics and scapegoating can offer insights, coping strategies, and emotional support. Therapy provides a space to heal from past traumas and work towards breaking the cycle of being scapegoated.

Dr. Schulz states,

Family therapists are skilled in operating from the systems perspective, which considers families as being cohesive units in which one member affects all other members and vice versa. A family therapist can provide valuable insights into family dynamics, including the dysfunctional patterns leading to scapegoating.

7. Educate yourself and others

Learning more about the scapegoat role and examples of scapegoating in families can empower you to navigate your situation more effectively. Sharing your knowledge with sympathetic family members or friends can also help them understand your perspective and potentially change the dynamics.

In Patricia Jones’s book Are You the Family Scapegoat, you will learn how to stop being the family scapegoat and find peace in your life. 

8. Practice self-compassion

Being constantly blamed can lead to self-criticism, but it’s essential to practice self-compassion. Recognize that you are not responsible for your family’s issues, and you don’t deserve the blame. Offer yourself the same kindness and understanding you would give a friend in a similar situation. 

For example, when negative thoughts creep in, remind yourself that your worth is not defined by others’ perceptions. Self-compassion can help you break free from self-blame and restore emotional balance.

9. Reframe your narrative

Shift the way you perceive the situation by reframing the narrative. Instead of seeing yourself solely as the victim, recognize that you have the strength to endure and the power to change your future. 

For example, if you’ve always been blamed for family conflicts, remind yourself that you are not the source of the issues. Rewriting this story allows you to reclaim your power and take control of your emotional well-being, paving the way for healing and growth.

By embracing these additional strategies along with the others, you can break free from the cycle of scapegoating and create a healthier, more fulfilling path forward.

No more a scapegoat

Filling the role of a family scapegoat can be a difficult and often disheartening experience, as attempts to improve the situation may seem unappreciated or outright rejected. 

It’s crucial to recognize the toll this can take on your mental health and to proactively seek support from friends, professionals, or support groups. ‘

For parents finding themselves in the scapegoat position, exploring options like marriage therapy can offer valuable guidance and help in addressing and mitigating the impact of scapegoating dynamics within the family. 

Remember, prioritizing your well-being and seeking constructive pathways forward is a sign of strength, not defeat.