9 Signs of Cushioning in Relationships and Why It Happens

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The world of modern relationships can be tricky, and with it comes new terms and behaviors we never thought we’d need to decode. Enter ‘cushioning’.

Much like a cushion provides a soft landing, cushioning in relationships is the act of keeping a roster of potential romantic interests on the back burner, just in case one’s primary relationship doesn’t work out. 

It’s like having a safety net in the dating world, ensuring you won’t be left alone if things go south. 

While it might sound harmless, it might raise various ethical questions and can signal underlying issues in a relationship. Why do people engage in cushioning? Is it a sign of insecurity, a lack of commitment, or simply a modern dating strategy?

What is cushioning in a relationship? 

Cushioning in a relationship refers to the practice of maintaining flirtatious connections with multiple individuals while still being in a committed relationship. The cushioned meaning implies having a safety net or backup options if the primary relationship doesn’t work out.

To define cushioning, it’s the act of keeping potential romantic interests on standby, ensuring one has a soft landing in case of relationship troubles. This behavior can stem from various motives, including fear of being alone, insecurity, or hedging bets against potential heartbreak.

Cushioning in relationships: 9 signs and reasons

At its core, cushioning means maintaining connections with potential romantic interests while in a committed relationship. But why do people do it? What are the signs, and how does it impact the other individuals involved?

1. Secretive behavior

What it looks like: If your partner always seems to guard their phone or evade questions about recent conversations, they might be practicing cushioning. This doesn’t only manifest in hiding physical evidence like text messages but can also show their hesitance to share details about certain people or events.

Why it happens: The need for secrecy stems from the fear of getting caught. Cushioning, by nature, is a covert activity. The secretive behavior is a protective measure to keep their ongoing conversations or flirtations hidden.

2. Constantly talking about others

What it looks like: Mentioning names of specific “friends” repeatedly without clear context or spending a significant amount of time talking or texting about them can be a sign. It’s one thing to talk about friends and another to frequently and perhaps unnecessarily bring up certain individuals.

Why it happens: By constantly talking about these individuals, the person might be trying to normalize their presence in life, making it less suspicious. On another level, they might subconsciously voice their growing interest or connection with these “friends.”

3. Being distant

What it looks like: Emotional distance can be as hurtful as physical distance. Even if your partner is physically present, they might seem lost in thought, distracted, or less engaged in your shared activities.

Why it happens: This distance might arise from the guilt of cushioning or an emotional shift toward the other prospects. The individual might also be wrestling with confusion about their feelings or choices.

4. Overprotective of personal devices

What it looks like: A sudden change in behavior toward personal devices, such as changing passwords unexpectedly or becoming nervous when you approach their phone, can be a sign.

Why it happens: With digital communications being the primary mode of connection today, cushioning often involves a lot of texts, DMs, or calls. Guarding their devices means safeguarding evidence of their outside connections.

5. Vague about their whereabouts

What it looks like: Increasingly unclear explanations about how they spend their free time or avoiding questions about their whereabouts can be concerning.

Why it happens: They might be spending time with their “cushions” or fear that being truthful might lead to suspicion or conflict.

6. Lack of intimacy

What it looks like: A decrease in emotional and physical intimacy and feelings of growing apart can be indicators.

Why it happens:  As their attention divides, emotional resources might get channeled elsewhere, leading to reduced intimacy in the primary relationship.

7. Overly defensive

What it looks like: Defensive responses to simple questions about their day or new people can be a red flag.

Why it happens:  This defensiveness can arise from guilt or the fear of being discovered. Your partner might overreact as a defense mechanism.

8. Change in communication patterns

What it looks like: Once warm, lovely, frequent, and personal interactions turn cold, infrequent, or impersonal, it can indicate something’s amiss.

Why it happens:  As they invest time and emotional energy elsewhere, communication with the primary partner might naturally diminish.

9. Flirtatious behavior

What it looks like: If you observe them being notably flirtatious with others, especially on platforms like social media or messaging apps, it can be cause for concern.

Why it happens:  Cushioning, in essence, involves nurturing potential romantic interests. Flirtation is a way to keep these prospects interested and close.

Watch Stephan Labossiere, a certified relationship coach, explaining the keys to achieving better communication in a relationship:

Reasons and impact of cushioning in relationships

Cushioning in relationships can stem from a combination of factors. These might include a fear of commitment, where individuals are wary of putting all their emotional eggs in one basket.

With its swiping and constant availability of potential matches, modern dating culture can also make cushioning seem like a tempting strategy. At its core, it might be about a deep-seated insecurity or a need for constant validation and attention.

However, the effects of cushioning are profound. The primary relationship suffers as trust is eroded. The person on the receiving end might feel deceived, questioning the authenticity of the connection.

Meanwhile, those who are kept as backup options can also feel hurt, especially if they’re under the impression that they’re moving toward a meaningful relationship. Conversely, cushioning while dating complicates the emotional state, making genuine connections harder to nurture.

Commonly asked questions

Cushioning in relationships has become a prevalent term in today’s dating lexicon. Here, we break down some common questions on the topic to provide clarity.

• What does it mean to cushion someone?

Cushioning someone refers to the act of maintaining flirtatious contact or emotional connections with other individuals while still in a committed relationship.

Essentially, it’s like having a backup plan; if the current relationship ends, there are others ready to “cushion” the emotional blow. This behavior reflects a certain level of insecurity or uncertainty about the current relationship’s stability.

• What is cushioning in the dating world?

In the dating world, cushioning in relationships signifies the act of keeping other romantic interests on the back burner, even when one is already involved with someone.

These “cushions” are often individuals one can turn to for emotional or romantic support should the primary relationship falter. It’s akin to having a safety net, ensuring one doesn’t face the loneliness or emotional turmoil of a breakup alone.

• What is an emotional cushion?

Within the context of cushioning in relationships, an emotional cushion pertains to an individual someone turns to for emotional support or validation while still in a committed relationship with someone else.

The person provides comfort, assurance, or an ego boost, helping to alleviate feelings of insecurity, doubt, or dissatisfaction in the primary relationship.

• How can you tell if someone has a cushion?

Detecting cushioning in relationships requires vigilance to subtle behavioral changes. Signs might include secretive behavior, especially regarding personal devices, decreased intimacy, vague explanations about their whereabouts, and increased mentions of certain “friends” without a clear context.

Additionally, shifts in communication patterns, becoming distant, or being overly defensive about specific topics or individuals can also hint at the presence of a cushion.

In conclusion

Cushioning in relationships highlights the complexities and uncertainties present in modern dating. While it’s essential to respect personal boundaries and trust one’s partner, it’s also crucial to communicate openly about any concerns or insecurities.

Recognizing the signs and understanding the dynamics of cushioning can pave the way for healthier, more transparent relationships.