15+ Effective Ways to Stop Constant Fighting in a Relationship

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Do you feel like you are always fighting with your partner?

Whether you’ve been with someone for years or are just getting to know a potential partner, arguments arise, and constant fighting in a relationship can be hard. 

If you feel like you are always fighting in the relationship, it not only leaves you feeling tired, drained, and questioning your value but also leaves you not wanting to see your partner. You may want to learn how to stop fighting in a relationship as an alternative.

According to a survey by Lana Kilner, “Couples bicker an average of 2,455 times a year. About everything from money to not listening, to laziness, and even what to watch on TV.”

The number one reason couples argue constantly is the factor of overspending. But also, the list includes parking the car, getting home late from work, when to have sex, not closing cupboards, and not answering calls/ignoring texts.

Fighting a lot in a relationship happens, but constant fighting shouldn’t. If this is happening, you can learn how to stop fighting and use it in a positive way to help your relationship grow. Keep reading for more information on how to stop fighting in a relationship.

What does fighting in a relationship mean?

Before we talk about ways to stop fighting in a relationship, let’s take a look at what fighting is. While most people think of yelling, screaming, and name-calling, and for some couples, it could even become physical violence, these are all significant signs of a fight.

These are the ways the couples fight and describe what happens during a fight. These are things that may seem harmless or may not even be something we realize happens that, over time, lead to pent-up hostility and hurt.

• Constant correcting
• Backhanded compliments
• Making faces when their partner says something
• Ignoring your partner’s needs
• Passive-aggressive huffing, mumbling, and comments

Often, the best way to stop constant arguing in a relationship is to nip the fights in the bud and be aware of how you and your partner pre-fight.

What do couples fight about?

Have you wondered to yourself, “My husband and I fight all the time?” If this is the case, then maybe it is time to take a step back and observe the nature of your fights. 

Every couple argues about one thing or the other in their relationship, and it is not necessarily a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes, fighting in a relationship is necessary to bring things into perspective.

Let’s look at the things couples mostly fight about in their relationship:

• Chores

Couples often fight about chores in their relationship, especially if they are living together. At the starting phase, the division of chores can take time, and one partner might feel they are doing all the work.

• Social media

Fights over social media could be for a variety of reasons. One partner might feel that the other one is addicted to social media, giving the relationship less time, or someone might get insecure about their partner’s friendships over social media.

There is also the challenge of comparison to others that social media sometimes encourages.

• Finances

Finances and how to spend money can be the reason for fighting. Everyone has a different spending nature, and it takes time to understand each other’s financial behavior.

• Intimacy

The reason for fighting could be when one partner might want something, and the other is not able to fulfill that. The balance of sexual chemistry happens over the course of the relationship.

Related Reading: How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship

• Work-life balance

Different partners might have different work hours, and this could create tension as one might feel they are not getting enough time as the other one is constantly busy. This can be a big reason why you might be always fighting in a relationship. 

• Commitment

At what stage would one partner want to commit to the relationship to see a future while the other one is still figuring out their priorities and when they want to settle down? 

Well, it completely depends on each individual, and this can be a reason to fight when one is ready, and the other is not.

• Infidelity

When one partner is cheating in the relationship, it can be a major reason to fight and can lead to a breakup if the situation is not taken care of with proper communication.

• Substance abuse

When one partner is involved in any kind of substance abuse, it can affect the health of the relationship with another partner, constantly suffering. This is likely to cause a fight. This could be smoking cigarettes or even different perspectives on alcohol or other substances.

• Parenting approach

Because of the difference in the background, there could be a difference in the way both want to raise their children and at times, they might not agree with each other.

• Distance in the relationship

At one point or the other, there could be a distance between the partners, which can only be fixed when they talk about it. If one of the partners is paying heed to it while the other isn’t, this can lead to a fight.

What causes constant fighting in a relationship?

Constant fighting in a relationship can stem from various sources, such as poor communication, unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and differing values or priorities. Lack of trust, insecurity, and stress can also contribute. 

Sometimes, underlying personal challenges or past traumas may be the reason why you are always fighting with your husband or wife. Additionally, external factors like financial pressures or work-related stress can strain a relationship. 

It’s crucial to identify the root causes, communicate openly, and work collaboratively to address issues. Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating persistent conflicts in a relationship.

How to stop constant fighting in a relationship

Here’s a simple five-step plan for you and your partner to work on that will allow you to stop constant fighting with a spouse, as well as learn how to communicate in a way that will allow the relationship to become stronger than ever.

1. Learn your communication styles & love language

About two years ago, I sat in a car with my friend as she fumed over the fact that she had gotten into another fight with her boyfriend over the state of the house. I’d just been there- the house was spotless, but I didn’t say that; instead, I listened.

“He never apologizes.”

I knew that wasn’t all she had on her mind, so I didn’t say anything.

“He just stands there and stares at me. It’s been two days, and he still hasn’t apologized to me. I came home yesterday, and the house was spotless; there were flowers on the table, and still, he won’t even say he’s sorry.”

“Do you think maybe his actions were his apology?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter. I want him to apologize.”

Do you see the point of the story?

When couples argue constantly, this might have a lot to do with the fact that they don’t know how to communicate. Sure, they know how to say, “You’re being a jerk.” or “I didn’t like when you did that.” but that isn’t communicating!

That is the kind of communication that leads to constant fighting in a relationship, and no one wants that.

That’s saying something hurtful, something that will inspire your partner to come back with a rebuttal. This is what happens when couples communicate based on their communication styles.

How to apply this step: Understand your communication styles and love language. 

Note: When you and your partner exchange love languages, it is important that you remember they may be different. This means that you may have to make a conscious effort to show your partner love in the way that they need.

2. Learn your trigger points & discuss them

In this day and age, a lot of people hear the term trigger, and they roll their eyes. They associate it with being fragile, but the truth is, we all have trigger points that tug at something, most often past trauma.

When we are aware of what triggers us, we can communicate it to our partners so that they understand.

How to apply this step: Write a list of your trigger points/words/actions/events. Ask your partner to make the same and exchange lists. If you two feel comfortable doing it, discuss them. If not, that is okay.

3. Create time for each other to focus on improving the relationship

If there is constant fighting in marriage, it’s important to realize that there may be more going on than you realize.

There may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

This means that you need to take time to focus on each other as well as improve your relationship, and this should be fun.

How to apply this step: Schedule dates, schedule time together, surprise each other with some intimate time, have a bubble bath, or even just spend the day in bed. Work to repair your relationship at home- but also consider that therapy may be a benefit as well.

4. Have a safe word

If you have watched the show HIMYM, you’ll know Lily and Marshall always stop a fight when one of them says, “Pause.” A lot of people think it may be silly, but it can work.

When you are used to constant fighting early in the relationship, sometimes it’s the best answer to how to stop fights before they start.

How to apply this step: Talk to your partner about using a safe word to let them know that what they did hurt you. Once you agree on this word, make sure that you both understand that this is not a word that should trigger a fight. 

It is a word that should end a potential fight or let you know that you did something hurtful, and it will be discussed later, but right now, it’s time to be there for your partner.

5. Schedule time to fight

We live in a day where we benefit from scheduling. Scheduling not only means we make sure we have time for them, but it also allows us to prepare for them and have a fuller presence during the discussion or fight

For a lot of people, when they hear the suggestion to schedule flights in advance, they tend to discard it right off the bat. Still, scheduling fights in advance has a lot of benefits, especially if there is already constant fighting in a relationship.

Not only does this allow you to cut down on constant fighting in a relationship, but you also have time to think about your needs as well as how to express them (and potentially write it out if that helps), as well as take the time to decide if something is worth fighting about.

How to apply this step: While it’s not likely that you are going to schedule a fight a week in advance, it is okay to put something off by asking if you guys can talk about a topic or event in a couple of hours or once the kids are put to bed.

How to use fights in a positive way

A lot of times, couples end up picking fights in a relationship.

While you may meet two or three couples that have been together for decades without a single raised voice, they are not the norm. However, constant fighting in a relationship is not either.

In a relationship, conflicts can be constructive when approached with empathy and communication. Use disagreements as opportunities to understand each other better, fostering emotional growth and intimacy. 

Practice active listening, express feelings honestly, and seek compromise rather than dominance. Embrace conflict as a chance to strengthen your connection and find solutions together. 

Remember, it’s not about winning but understanding and growing as a couple. Constructive fights can deepen trust, enhance communication skills, and ultimately fortify the foundation of a healthy relationship.

How to stop having the same fight over & over again

To stop constant fighting in a relationship, start by applying this article, of course! 

Once you’ve read all of this, you have taken in so many options and techniques. If you have applied everything listed above, the chances are you won’t need to worry because you and your partner will have already dealt with this, but if not-

• Schedule a day to talk about the fight. Do not have the fight. Instead, talk about what happens during the fight, when it happens, and what causes it, and use your new communication styles to rephrase your hurt and how it triggers you.
• Break down the topic and use it as a way to spend time with each other- looking at the fight as a way to strengthen your relationship.
• When you are struggling with constant fighting in a relationship, most of all, it takes time and commitment to change. It takes work, and it takes two people who are committed to making things work.
• Give yourself time and be gentle, but stay hopeful that constant fighting in a relationship is something that can be overcome.

Dos and don’ts for after a fight

After a fight, it’s understandable that you just want to forget all about it. But sometimes you can’t do that. Here are a few things you shouldn’t do after a fight and the things you must do.

Know these dos and don’ts to stop constantly fighting in a relationship and move forward after a fight in the healthiest way you can.

• Don’t give them the cold shoulder

After a fight, it can be understandable to want space and to be hurt by something your partner said. But if you resort right to the cold shoulder, it’s just going to make things worse.

When someone gets the cold shoulder, they are normally inclined to give it back, and an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

• Don’t go tell everyone about it- and never post it on social media

While it is okay (and encouraged) to have a friend or two that you can confide in, it’s important to remember that some things you and your partner experience should remain between just the two of you.

And it should go without saying that you should never post your drama on social media for everyone to see.

Remember that you would want your partner to respect your privacy during (and after) the fight. Give them the same respect, even if you are constantly fighting with your partner. 

• Don’t memorize parts of the fight to use in the future

I believe everyone is guilty of this. When our partner says something that we find overly hurtful, it gets burned into our memory for us to use next week, next month, or twenty years from now.

You should never bring these things up during a future argument. If your partner said something that hurt, it should be calmly discussed.

But, just like giving the cold shoulder can easily turn into you and your partner not talking for months, bringing up the past is an easy way to start a “one-up” contest.

• Do make sure you apologize if you said something hurtful

After a fight, it might not occur to you because you guys have already discussed everything that happened, after all. But if you said or did something that you know was hurtful, make sure to take a second and acknowledge that you know it hurts them and that you are sorry for that.

• Do offer to give them space

Everyone needs different things when they are struggling mentally. And everyone needs different things after a fight with their partner. Make sure you check in on your partner’s needs (and express your own) after a fight.

They may need you to hold them, they may need to have you in the same room without talking, or they may need some time to themselves. Remember that if they do (or if you are the one who needs space), this doesn’t mean that the fight isn’t over or that there are leftover hostile feelings.

It just means that they may need time to decompress alone.

• Do something kind for your partner

Small acts of kindness can go a long way. Often, we think in order to remind our partner they are important, we have to plan an over-the-top, expensive gift or surprise. But what a lot of people forget is that small actions add up. This could be as simple as:

• Writing a love letter to them
• Making their morning coffee
• Making a nice dinner
• Complimenting them
• Buying them a small gift (like a book or a video game)
• Giving them a massage or back rub

Not only are small actions a thoughtful way to apologize, but small, loving habits performed often are going to be what help you have and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

15 ways to stop constant fighting in a relationship

Anytime you are wondering how to stop fighting in a relationship, these ways may be able to make a difference.

1. Try to get your point across

Do your best to get your point across to your mate so you are able to stop arguing. Try not to just argue with them because you are upset or you feel that they are wrong. 

When there is a reason to argue, it should be front and center while you discuss it. This is one of the first tips on how to stop fighting in a relationship that is vital to think about.

2. Think about what you want to say

To help you get your point across, it may be necessary to think about what you want to say. Taking some time to consider your words could be a major way to stop fighting in a relationship, and it could keep you from saying something you regret.

3. Consider your partner’s point of view

At the same time, you need to consider your partner’s point of view as well. There may be things that you do that upset them, which they are not saying anything about. 

Think about how they treat you and if it is fair for you to yell at them for a certain behavior or action. These actions may be minor in some cases.

4. Try not to raise your voice

When you often fight in your relationship, it can be difficult to remain calm. However, you should try your best to do just that since it may be able to help you talk to your mate in a way that is productive. If you both start yelling at each other, you may not be able to come to a resolution.

5. Don’t try to win the fight

There are many reasons for constantly fighting with a husband or wife, but you should do your best. You don’t always have to win the fight to get the thing you want. Instead, try to focus on communicating as effectively as possible, which could prevent future fights.

6. Listen to your partner

Be sure to listen to what your partner has to say. They may be saying something valid, but when you are in a fight, it can be difficult to hear and agree with them. However, it is necessary to give them respect and the ability to talk to you, even if you are upset with them.

7. Make sure your expectations are clear

Does your mate know what you expect from them? Make sure they know what you need before you get upset and start an argument with them. You should be open and honest with your partner about these things and allow them to do the same, too.

8. Don’t leave things in the air

If you are arguing with your partner, one of the worst things that you can do is to not be able to clear the air. You may have heard that you shouldn’t go to sleep angry, and this is something that is true. 

Try to come to an agreement so you won’t have hard feelings for one another.

9. Take time to cool off

There are times when you may be very angry with each other and are afraid that you may do or say things that you could regret. 

When this is the case, it is important that you take the time you need to cool off and calm down before you finish discussing things with your partner.

10. Forget about old fights

It isn’t fair if you bring up old fights when you are in an argument with your partner. This can leave them feeling like they will never be good enough, and you may not want them to do the same to you.

11. Apologize when you need to

During the course of a fight, sometimes you may feel like you made a mistake or you are sorry for saying something. At these times, you should apologize when it is the appropriate thing to do. Tell your spouse how you feel and that you don’t expect them to be perfect.

12. Remember why you like them

Another way that may help you learn how to stop fighting in a relationship is to remember why you like your partner. Think about the things that you admire about them and consider if the little things that are upsetting you are that big of a deal.

13. Try to communicate better

Always try your best to communicate with your partner, which may be able to prevent fights from occurring. Talking to them regularly about how you feel may not lead to a point where you argue with each other.

Watch this video by Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert Terri Cole, where she talks about how to effectively communicate during conflicts:

14. Do your own thing

If the ways to learn how to stop fighting in a relationship don’t work for you, it may be time to do your own thing. 

You can take some time away from your partner and decide how you feel and how you want to proceed with your relationship. You may want to continue fighting for a relationship, and you might not.

15. Talk to a therapist

You can also choose to talk to a therapist about the fighting that is taking place. This could come in the form of individual counseling or relationship counseling. Either way, a professional should be able to talk to you about all the issues you are experiencing and offer helpful advice.

Takeaway

A healthy relationship is far less likely to have consistent high-intensity fights, and most importantly, you are more likely to be happy in a relationship where you don’t feel constantly in conflict

By reading this, you are showing that you want to make your relationships work and are ready to make amends. Try the tips above on how to stop fighting in a relationship to see if they will work for you. Also, you can talk to a therapist if needed for more personalized advice that can tailor to your unique challenges